Sunday, December 8, 2013

Is the one you love a Psychopath?

Another Great Huffington Post Article on Psychopaths! This one is written by Kari Blakely. This one is on the money. #4 and #6 really hit home for me. The psychopath I dealt with would constantly say, "you know if they ever got me in a mental hospital, they would lock me up" and then I found out one of his user names was 'cukoo' (ie, crazy) which just gave me chills. I can't tell you how many illnesses he had from time to time and it reminds me of Ted Bundy. I love hearing your comments, so feel free to write one. I hope this article helps you, it is well done. I also love her advice for dealing with an ex who might be a Psychopath, minimum contact to deal with the needs of the children is the best avenue. Stay safe everyone!

Written by Kiri Blakeley on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir .

Are you in a relationship with a psychopath? You might think that's something you'd know right away by the red tint of evil in the person's eyes, the swastika tat on the forehead, or the insistence on discussing serial killers over dinner. But nope! Psychopaths can be extremely charming and come across like Prince Charming at first. So unless you know the signs, you'd probably get sucked into the life of a psychopath and not know who he or she really was until you are completely sucker punched. Here are 10 signs you should look out for to quickly identify a psychopath.

1. Flattery like you've never heard before. Psychopaths move extremely quickly. On the first date, he'll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and uproariously witty. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have. If you think you're fat, he will tell you how much he loves your body. If you think you're shy, he will laugh at every lame attempt at a joke and tell you you should have been a comedian. This is called "love bombing." It's the idealization phase he gets you hooked on, and it's the phase you will spend the next however-many months or years trying to get back once he abruptly shuts it off.

2. He is just like you. Psychopaths will try to convince you that you are soul mates, just alike. He loves all the things you love and you have all of the same interests. If you had a tough childhood, he will say something like, "We both had it rough. That's why we understand each other." If there's an obscure book you love, he will make sure he loves it too. What he's doing is called "mirroring." He has no real identity, so he sucks yours up and mirrors it back to you.

3. Pity plays. Pay careful attention to what a psychopath says on the first few dates about his exes and other people in his life. Is his ex girlfriend crazy and stalking him? Did another girlfriend rob him blind? Is his mother controlling and horrible? Does he seem like he's had a tough time with people, who always use and abandon him? Whatever he says about the other people in his life is pretty much exactly what he'll be saying about you at some point, so listen carefully.

4. Illnesses and injuries. Psychopaths absolutely love pity, so pay attention to how many illnesses and injuries he's had. Did he miraculously beat cancer but it could come back at any minute? Does he break his foot on your second date and has to cancel? (But strangely is okay for the third date?) Did he lose his first wife in a car accident that left him with brain trauma (yet he talks fine and seems fine)? Try to check out his stories -- call hospitals if you need to -- but don't be surprised if he has an excuse for why you can't find any record of any of his traumas.

5. Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath often say it's the best thing they've ever experienced. A psychopath goes out of his way to please you. It's just another way of getting you hooked. Once he has you hooked, you'll find yourself begging for sex because he suddenly won't want it anymore.

6. Cracks in the mask. A psychopath will sometimes blurt out something odd about himself, apropos of nothing. Like you might be cooking dinner and suddenly he blurts, "I'm crazy you know." Or "I'm cheating on you." He will then either deny he said it or play it off as a joke. A form of keeping you off balance -- but also possibly an unconscious slip of the mask of his persona.

7. Silent treatment. Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet. In reality, he is off sizing up his next target somewhere.

8. Triangulation. Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In the psychopaths mind, everyone else wants him, so you better be on your best behavior, or he will move on to one of his adoring fans.

9. Discard. The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After he sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, he will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless to him. He will usually move on to another target at this point.

10. "Hoovering." Although a psychopath will discard you, he doesn't quite want you moving on either. If he senses you are done with him, he will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. He will try to "Hoover" (named after the vacuum cleaning company) you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on his absolute best behavior. It's all an act so he can get you back into the fold.

The only way to get rid of a psychopath is to completely go no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't fuel his games and ego. He will make that difficult for you -- some psychopaths will stalk you, most will Hoover. But to engage him in any way, even just to tell him off, only leaves you open to more mind games, which he will win, because he has no feelings. (Those who have children with psychopaths must develop low contact, and keep in touch only as much as absolutely needed as regards the children.)

Of course, nobody is perfect, and some people are just immature and go through periods of giving the silent treatment, or "devaluing" you with critical comments. Other people may triangulate to create jealousy because they're insecure or bored or don't even quite realize they're doing it. There are also plenty of garden-variety jerks out there who will engage in a lot of "psychopathic" behavior without being clinical psychopaths. But if your lover engages in much or all of this behavior, then he or she is likely psychopathic, and you should run for the hills!

Have you ever been with a psychopath?

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Evil that Narcissists Do

I was reading the above article at the Huffington Post (Divorce section) by Sandy Weiner and I thought the author broke this down in digestible pieces. Ladies and Gentlemen, her points are clear and true. If you are in a relationship marked by these attributes, run. Being selfish and immature is one thing, being a narcissist is something completely different. While there is discussions in the Psychiatric community on whether Narcissists are also Sociopaths/Psychopaths, their symptoms being very similar. So, let's address these 6 points she makes.

1. Narcissists are defensive. Think about this. Defense is a natural response to thwart off an attack right? So the more 'defensive' a person is the more shallow, hollow they are. Narcissists wear a mask that seemingly says they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. They tell you that but mostly they tell themselves. If your partner has to remind you how great they are, needing adulation or adoration, chances are they need to feel like they are those things. Picture a small child curled up in a corner afraid of everything. More times than not, a narcissist flashes a confident smile but they are really just the child curled up in a corner. If you approached the child in the corner you might think he/she would trust you or shy away from you but they only see another person coming to attack them. If they become defensive, they can thwart the attack by lashing out. It's always all about them. If you bring up a problem you've discovered with your partner and they immediately become defensive you have to ask yourself why. If they do not apologize or listen to your side, they are probably not that concerned with how you feel. They feel pretty bad all of the time because they are so empty, so it doesn't really matter to them if you feel like that every now and then.

2. The crisis. Whatever is going on in your life is not important to them. You care about your partner and you expect the same treatment from them. If you are in a mutually giving relationship this is natural. If you want to have a 'serious' talk with your partner and they bolt, they can't handle the emotions you are throwing at them. To them it is like nails on a chalkboard. They have to run. Why are they like this? More than likely because one of their parents acted like that during a fight or emotionally charged talk. Parents inadvertently teach their children how to handle situations by their own reactions. A narcissist can only keep the act up long enough to get to what they want. They have no idea how to handle your emotions because they don't have any.

3. The rages. They have paper thin skin. The author mentions a key element of all healthy relationships and that is that we should feel safe when bringing an issue to light. IF you are often on the receiving end of behavior that goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat you are in a relationship that cannot stand criticism without a knock down drag out fight. It could be the smallest of criticism that sets them off. If you are feeling rages (and you all know what I mean when I say rages) directed at you when you bring up a point of question or the other party feeling inadequate, you need to run as fast as you can from the other person. IT will not get better, it will get worse and you will be the punching bag for these rages.

4. Crazy making. Does your partner make you constantly crazy by sending you mixed signals? Why do they do this? Number one, to keep you unstable and make you feel unstable. Why would someone who says they love you want to do this? Because it gives them control and power and when you are constantly second guessing yourself, you can't very well criticize them or point things out to them. Special Occasions, good topic. Let's say it's your birthday. A few weeks ago, they were planning this day to be the most perfect for you. You are enamored with how much care they show to you. However, on your birthday, they arrive late, don't have a present and are loaded with excuses and if you sound a tiny bit upset over it, they will twist and turn until it is your own fault your birthday is a mess. They might come back to you and promise to make it up to you but that never happens right? It all gets pushed to the back burner in light of their own needs.

5. Exclusivity. Narcissists need so much adoration and adulation that getting it from one source is hardly enough. It's like blowing up a balloon. The narcissist starts every day as an UN-blown balloon. It is your job to blow it up and make sure it can stay afloat. The only problem is they need an entire freakin' bouquet. Do you see how exhausting it is to blow up one balloon every day? When it comes to complimenting you or listening to you, they won't deliver it with equal thought. Can you see how exhausting it is to just keep them inflated? They will want you to be exclusive though, giving you the pouty face when you start hinting around at the possibility of dating or going out with someone that isn't them.

6. Actions won't match words. This is a telling sign for any relationship. When you realize that the actions do not match the words you are probably in too deep with this person. You're probably in it exclusively and have spent so much time with them that you feel like you have to stay. My best advice to anyone in a relationship regardless of narcissism is if the actions do not match the words, run. Your inner sense knows. Deep down you know you won't ever change them. Run.

Again, check out the main article @

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

From How to Spot Psychopaths: Speech Patterns Give Them Away

This is an interesting article from Live Science.

If we all took a moment to really understand the people around us we would see some very unique and scary things about human nature. While there are only a percentage of people who are truly psychopathic, it is common to run across narcissists, manipulators and liars. The signs are always there and we are either too busy or too afraid to listen to our gut instincts.

I welcome your comments. I read all of them and publish the ones compliment the topic at hand. Some of you just left relationships and are still in shock while others have escaped and able to look back without fear. For all of you, I am 4 years away from my experience and I am here to say, I am a different person. I do things on my terms. I've run into people who have tried to latch on and if their demands keep me from doing what I want to do, then it goes no further. Period. I am educating myself daily and I read a lot of articles on Psychopathy. It does get better. There is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Will you trust again or should you put your trust in someone again? No. To put trust in other people is wrong. It will only lead to disappointment. But if you put trust in yourself and set your boundaries and only do what YOU want, then you won't find yourself again at the mercy of a psychopathic personality or other emotional vampire.

You have to trust your gut and listen to your instincts. That means you have to get your self esteem healthy, your body healthy, your mind healthy and your spiritual self healthy. When you are in control of what YOU think, what YOU eat, how YOU feel and what YOU believe in, then YOU can't get caught up in someone else's drama or rescue a complete stranger from themselves. You do not need a charity case in order have a purpose in this life. Be strong and you will get there too! Love getting your comments, please keep them coming!


Friday, January 20, 2012