Who the BLEEP did I marry?

I find shows like this interesting to watch. Most recently I saw the wife of the Green River Killer who was accused of killing over 40 women over a 20 year span and during the time they were married. From all accounts he was the nicest guy, the perfect husband, the best thing that had ever happened to Judith.

How can someone have a completely separate identity and the person living with them see them as one thing when others see them as another? Because the mask he wore was on so tight. He grew up with a domineering mother who made fun of his bed wetting in front of his family. Embarrassed and belittled by his mother, the one person who is supposed to love unconditionally, made him feel un-loved and un-attached.

It has been reported that he started showing signs of being a bit off during High School. He had scored low on an intelligence test, stabbed a classmate just to see what it would be like to kill someone and faded to the back of the class when it came to women.

Gary Ridgway had been married twice before he found Judith. Those wives have reported being choked by him, which was the primary way he killed his victims. However, he never laid a hand on Judith. Never rose his voice or gave her any concern to think he was something different than what she thought. Judith is a mild mannered soft spoken woman. She fell in love with her Prince Charming and was living the dream life with her dream prince.

I think in Judith he found someone who nurtured him, who wasn't loud or aggressive or challenging. She believed what he told her. She had little reason to be concerned that he was anything but perfect. She provided the motherly unconditional love he had been robbed of. Did he love her? He continued to write her while in prison confiding in her some of his secrets always professing his deep love for her.

In the short interview they played on TV, he stated that he would get angry if the prostitutes wanted to hurry up or rolled their eyes, anything that showed a disrespect toward him. He wanted to be in control. He said he would act like this caring guy even though he didn't care in the least about their hard luck stories. He said he would make them feel comfortable and talk to them making them think he was such a 'Nice Guy' but as they were talking he was only thinking about how to get them into his truck and kill them.

Once he had control killing was easy. If some of the murder victims were aggressive, he became more aggressive. He had to be in control of the situation. He controlled his marriage by portraying himself as the person Judith believed he was. His self image was produced by her and because she did not confront him he allowed her to continue her fairytale. It must have felt good to him, having all of that unconditional love. While he was with her, he didn't feel like a murderer, he didn't feel shamed or humiliated, he felt at ease with himself. But the other side to Gary Ridgway, the side that was filled with anger, resentment, hate, embarrassment, bubbled to the surface. It had to.

He probably liked the attention of a prostitute but despising them at the same time for their profession. He had an idea of what a woman was supposed to be. Quiet, nurturing, non confrontational. But he never felt like he deserved a woman like that, like Judith.

Did he love Judith? No. Gary Ridgway is a psychopath. But the feeling he had when he was with Judith made a comfortable spot that he craved. The feeling was so strong he could control his rage around her. She once found condoms in the barn and assumed he was having sex with other women. She was so upset and rather than confront him, she got out her ax and chopped them all up, crying hysterically while she did so. She did not want to confront him because confronting him took a piece of her fairytale away. She could handle it herself because after all, he was a good husband, a good provider and she justified it all in her mind. Her need for the happy ending was just as powerful as his need for a maternal figure.

Judith said "I love the man I knew," she said, "and I hate the man that took him away." (Taken from the news story link above) It's as if she is talking about a 'death' of the first man. When they portray themselves as something they are not, it is natural to grieve for them, miss them, long for them. It is a very difficult thing to process. You want answers but they often won't give them up. If you get answers often times they don't make sense or they are more lies trying to keep you sucked in. As women we want to know why things went wrong, we take responsibility where we shouldn't and forgive too easily to keep the feelings we want, ie, love, companionship, security...and we believe it when they blame their shortcomings on us.

From Judith's perspective she knew one man and didn't know the man who could sleep next to her and then go kill an innocent girl, come home and eat dinner as if nothing monumental had happened that day. It really is a mind fuck when you think about it.

This is just such a sad story of a woman who wanted love and wound up with confusion-why would he do this? , questions-is he a monster? or a loving husband?, guilt-why didn't I see this?, depression-thinking I could never trust another man again.

Judith, like so many victims of Sociopaths/Psychopaths, are left the task of picking up the pieces of the life they knew and the one they face alone. Alone because for much time after, they will not be letting a man into their life. Gary had once said that killing for him was his career. We can only speculate to the deep mean those words hold.

Does this sound like a familiar story, perhaps minus the killings? The patterns are the same. The outcomes are different. When someone is murdered it leaves an erie, ominous fear behind for those who knew the killer. When you go back and analyze the details you realize you were alone with this person, maybe left your kids with this person? Closed your eyes and fell asleep next to this person, left yourself at a very vulnerable spot with this person. All the while, could they have had murderous thoughts about you too?

The victims have to make sense of a puzzle that has several missing pieces. The minute Judith Mawson decided to STOP writing to Gary after he was convicted was the day she became strong enough to walk away completely.

I hope this article helps you understand the psychology and mind inside a psychopathic personality. They only do things to keep their feelings alive in themselves. The urge to keep those feelings alive (control, power, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathing, fear, abandonment and on and on...) proves to be a destructive one to the people who cross their paths. And you never know when you are sitting next to one on a subway, working with one, or meeting them on an online dating site.

You have to look inside yourself and figure out what type of person you are to determine what type of person you need. This requires some thought provoking questions, maybe some you don't want to address. The more you know about your own self, the less you will fall victim to a predator. I thought I knew myself pretty well but come to find out, I didn't. I have learned to realize my vulnerabilities, my flaws, assessed my child hood, my behaviors around men and why I gravitate to a particular type of man who preys upon the negative emotion I carried around in my self.

I don't feel sorry for men who don't get enough attention from their wives/girlfriends, or those who can't budget their financial life, or who need daily instructions just to function, or get pulled away from doing something important to listen to something unimportant, or be the one to pick them up when the outside world is being mean to them. A real man can function in the world, balance a checkbook and accept responsibility for their actions. Real men don't need to be rescued and real woman don't either.

My life is filled with more friends, more time to myself, a better relationship, a rewarding work life and activities that I would have never had time for in my old life.

I welcome all comments. I love hearing from the readers of my blog. Be Safe!

Mel Gibson and his rants...and blame...

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about Mel Gibson's rants against former girlfriend and mother of his child. I'm sure that most of you who have actually listened to the tapes felt deja vu all over again. If you haven't heard the tapes, you can find them at Radaronline.com

I'm not sure if Mel is a psychopath but he obviously has issues. Big ones. He's very easily angered for one. When I heard him say, "I own you" I had flashbacks. When he said,"I'm going to give you one more chance" I thought this is all so familiar. When he said, "You are nothing. You have no soul" perhaps he is reflecting on himself.

You are a C#$@, Whore, Bitch, etc he tells her endlessly. He elevates himself and lowers her to 'unworthy' status. This is no news, to those who have lived with a narcissist, alcoholic, abuser, we know all too well how familiar these words are.

When she retorts that she is a 'marionette' and has to 'walk on eggshells', well, we know what this means too. He made death threats to her, threatened to burn the house down, punched her in the face, gave her a concussion....how long before he snaps and does something worse? When she says she will call the police, he acts like most do, he tells her she is weak and he is strong and that he handles his own affairs. He admitted that she didn't have any friends, I'm sure by his design.

The media has crucified her too. Calling her a gold digger. Saying she had no right to have tapes like that without his knowledge. I disagree. I say she had every right. The legal system says that when you go to fight for custody you must have proof that you were battered, beaten or threatened. Most women do not call the police and file the report. If her medical records show what she alleges great but the tapes (to me) are icing on the cake. Again I love how the media make it the woman's fault and that he was just 'reacting' to her. She's a gold digger, it's her fault she got a concussion, and her teeth knocked out. She's the one pushing 'his' buttons. Blah blah blah blah blah.

His problems didn't start though with Oksana. He's had his tirades before. He's gone off on other non-white races. He views women as objects and that is evident when he says, "You should smile and blow me" "I deserve it".... or when he called a female office 'sugar tits' after she pulled him over. I can think of several things he deserves and a BJ isn't one of them. He's admitted he was Bi-Polar and an alcoholic. Bi-Polar behavior is certainly off the charts depending on how bad the disorder is and how often it is cycling. Bi-Polars need medication to help them stabilize their emotions. He's clearly in denial about having a mental disorder, needing therapy or medication. At this point, he should stop calling her but it will be his need to feel control that will keep these rants going.

For those people who have defended him in the past it is time to see who he really is. The religious conservatives. The pundits who have taken his side when it was clear he had disturbed thoughts. When people talk about killing other people in anger it needs to be taken seriously. Jay would always say similar things about African Americans and Jewish people in his rants. Look at Jesse James. Posing in pictures clearly denoting a 'Hitler' influence. Somehow this type of person thinks they are above the other races. That the other races are impure and 'deserve' to be treated as such. People who have 'race' issues usually have other issues. Anger, deep seeded anger and an inability to reason.

Of course people from all over and commenting on whether or not they will continue to see his movies. People are debating if she has set him up. People are saying men need to assert themselves and let the women know where they stand in a relationship. Incredible I know. The bigger picture is scary and a reflection of our society as a whole. People want to find excuses for the behavior and not really look at the real epidemic. They want to blame the victim and say she probably deserved it because she was out for his money. I'm sure people said the same thing about Nicole Brown Simpson.

If Mel is the victim of a gold digger, why didn’t he call it quits? In the second tape he tells he will give her one more chance. He tells her what a “blankety blank blank” she is and how she has destroyed him but HE will give her another chance. He admitted to hitting her and has not once apologized. IF he is the victim then why didn’t he just refuse to talk to her again, get his attorney and then support his child. End of story. He didn’t need to call her up and demand that she stop using the nanny, a lawyer could have done that. Does he not have any self control? Why didn’t he simply walk away?

It is quite clear that he needs to have control and exert his control via threats and physical harm. To me, that’s not a man, that’s a coward. The debate over what he has done is not about his ability as an actor or any talent he may possess as a director. This is how he treats his peers, this is what he thinks of his co workers. This is how he acts when he’s not acting. If I were Whoopi Goldberg, I’d be offended by his comments. If I were a female actress, I wouldn’t want to do a scene with him ever. If I were a Jewish movie producer, I wouldn’t finance another picture for him. This is how he acts when he thinks no one is listening.

Mel Gibson, OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen all have the same issue. They feel entitled to lie, abuse, berate, strike, verbally abuse, cheat (Tiger Woods and Jesse James) on their wives and girlfriends. How many more men fit this mold. Too many. Abuse is never OK. Ever.

Personally I hope Mel goes to jail for hitting her. Charlie Sheen got off easy. OJ got off too easy. Too many get off easy. Where is the justice? There is a place that men go who cannot control their emotions, prison.

To me, hearing these tapes, while difficult only shows me that there are men out there that act like rageful, vindictive, threatening ogres in private but in person they are the nicest people you'd ever meet. I guess in a way it's proof for all of the victims of rage that this is how it sounds, how it feels and how the backlash exists against the victims. Just having some proof makes me feel validated in a world where the victim too often gets the blame. And yes, there is a little smile on my face as I write this post. Just a tiny one, for all of the victims.

Getting lumped in with all the 'bad guys' 'jerk's' etc...

I get a lot of comments from men who think that sites like this are only for those women who were in a 'bad' relationship. This is beyond 'bad' for the record. This is beyond a few white lies and forgiveness. This is like emotional rape.

Understand there are several factors that go into determining whether or not someone is a sociopath or psychopath. Hollywood has thrown those words around to mean a serial killer. Society uses those words to describe someone who is crazy, mentally unstable or just plain weird. That's not what this site is. This site is dedicated to true psychopaths/sociopaths.

There is a difference between a bad relationship. A bad relationship can come from people who just don't mesh together once they really get to know each other. If one of them is co-dependent then it's harder to let go. If there are other mental illnesses in play, it may be even harder to break the push and pull that couples find themselves in when trying to leave a relationship. We all get comfortable, we second guess ourselves. We get jealous if we think the other person likes someone or pays more attention to other people. The differences are that when you feel unhappy about something in your relationship and you bring it to the attention of the other person they have a chance to either see where you are coming from or disagree. If they can 'empathize' with your position and let you know that it is not what they meant then things can be mended and life can go on. If they can't agree and think the entire problem is you then you may have a real problem. If they start berrating you, yelling at you, making you feel bad for having these feelings then it's time to move along because you will not get very far with this type of person.

People fight. Trust is broken. Sane people either make up or they break up with no issues other than the relationship didn't work out. Sure you may call each other jerks but when the emotions are in check you will be able to categorize the issues that were truly your fault and his. You will be able to place blame and accept responsibility for where you messed up or for where he messed up. The end of relationships with psychopaths are different. They will continue to find reasons to contact you. They will make it sound like they are even 'concerned' about you. They do this to get you to let your guard down. Once the guard is down, they will be back to their old tricks. It's a guarantee.

When you are with a psychopath you will continually be in a state of chaos, fighting, wondering if you can trust him when he's not with you. If you are a mentally stable person you will recognize the patterns well. If you are not mentally stable due to how the psychopath treats you or due to your own mental illness then you will need to have an unbiased third party to help you sort things out. A therapist or friend that you can count on is a good start. I promise, he will confuse the hell out of you and you won't know if he's a good person or a bad one. One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day.

When other people hear about these relationships they don't understand why someone wouldn't just leave. The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great. There is a key factor in people who allow psychopaths to control their lives. And it's not because they are not smart. Many smart women find themselves in the middle of relationships that are toxic but they know they can't leave. They lack the emotional strength it takes to actually leave. The psychopath will be baiting them and looking for ways to keep debilitating you. Things will seem normal for awhile. Then he will destabilize you. You will feel guilt or that you have to 'prove' to him you are worthy of him. You spend so much time trying to prove you are worthy that you become emotionally drained. This is why it's so much easier to just live with an abuser. They wear you down so much that you can't find the strength to leave them. They alienate you from your friends and family so that you don't have a support system or a place to go for protection. He will try all kinds of tricks. He will make you feel like he's so good to you or that no one will want you because you may be overweight, he will use whatever negative thing you think about yourself to crucify you with later. And the abusee will fall for it and stay. They will stop talking to their friends and family because after awhile someone will point out the obvious, 'why don't you just leave?' Scary thought. So if you end up NOT doing anything about the relationship eventually they will turn a deaf ear. Why should they care when you won't even help yourself? Pretty soon you will have cocooned yourself into a nice little ball where you are miserable with no relief in sight. You will wake up 8 years later and wonder how you got there.

So there is a big difference between a boyfriend who is a jerk and one who is a psychopath. Having a bad relationship and being a victim or someone's manipulation are two very different things. So, for all of the guys (or girls) out there who say this is just another bad relationship gone wrong, just another guy who didn't want you...I'm here to say differently. Read the entire blog, not just one entry before you decide.