Monday, August 4, 2008

It's Over

It is over. I just can't handle the way he talks to me. I called him today to check on him and I questioned him. Why didn't he call me back last night? He got angry very quickly. He starts accusing me of bullshit. He can get so mad so quickly. He's a tyrant. I am not going to put up with him anymore. He's absusive. He yells at me on the phone and thinks he's completely in the right. He can never take a step back and say, Hey, let's fix this. He's got to show me that he's right and I'm wrong. I just think no one could have a relationship with him ever. He's too over the top. He's way to high strung. No one can ask him anything, question him on where he's been or where he's going. He considers it someone up his ass. He's a rude jerk.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Men are Decietful

I truly believe that the male species is decietful. I'm not sure when they learn how to lie or why it is even necessary. However, my theory is that if men didn't lie, women wouldn't have reason to suspect they were up to no good. Whether or not they think their lies are for protection, my guess is they can't deal with 'being in trouble' so they try to hide it. Not knowing that this only increases the status of being in the dog house when the woman finds out the lie. Not to say I haven't lied during my life time. I lie all the time. About everything. Mostly to myself though. But it's interesting to catch someone lying to you. Some people are really good at it.

I know my BF has lied to me. However, he would probably say otherwise. Not telling the entire truth is also lying, deceit. I've heard him tell me about this or that and then a day later say something entirely different. I've heard him talk about movies he's gone to see with his brother, and I question whether or not it's really his brother who he is really with. I used to let it bother me but now I just don't even think about it. On the flip side, I've heard him talk about movies we had planned to see, in which he never told me he saw, then after the fact I hear about them through our conversations. I've listened to the lies about his cell phone not working, rather than just telling me he didn't pay his bill. I remember when I first went to his house, there was a book by Oscar Wilde and some Golden Girls (who watches that shit) DVDs on the TV in his bedroom. I said, "Oh, you read Oscar Wilde?" He replies, "Oh yeah." I say, "Well, you don't look like the type who would read Oscar Wilde." He says, "There are a lot of unique things about me." Yeah, I think? Like watching the Golden Girls in your bedroom? That thought just makes me laugh. I knew he had probably never heard of Oscar Wilde, let alone read any of his work. I knew it belonged to his GF.

I have to say, I'm not entirely convinced that they are broken up. I do not believe they are having sex or any other type of intimate connection. But I do think they have been in touch since they parted ways last July/August. His mom's furniture is still in her house, can't just cut off contract, especially because he wants it back.

I've point blank asked him if he's talked to her or seen her and he's responded, NOPE. I'm not so sure I believe that 100%. Whether he has seen her as "friends", gone to movies, gone to dinner, caught up about old times, yet to be disclosed. It doesn't bother me. I know they didn't have a good relationship. But I know he gets lonely, and a friend, no matter how bad a relationship might have ended, is always a welcomed sight when one is lonely. I know, I've been there. I've been lonely to the point of seeing an old BF on a chance meeting and not feeling the anger that I might have felt because he cheated, lied or broke my heart. It's like after time goes by, you forget about the pain and remember only the happy times you shared. I wonder why memory forgets the pain and replaces it with solace and comfort. I mean, there are cases in which I don't feel solace and comfort, but my guess is, that's because I didn't really feel any connection or love to that person to begin with.

Like I can still IM one of my exes who lives in Texas and we chit chat about our families and there is absolutely no attraction, no nothing. It's just like two old friends catching up. We broke up and there were hurt feelings. I left him. He wasn't ready to commit and I didn't blame him. I was ready to move forward with my life and he wasn't. After a few months without me though, he did realize he had made a mistake and asked me to marry him. As much as I had wanted that when I left, three months had gone by and I no longer felt like that. It was a sad parting. He was really upset. I was upset also but I realized that people change. They can't help that they change. Life happens and it makes us all different.

I guess I know that he is faithful, no matter who he spends his time with. This I know. He isn't the kind of person who could be involved with someone for sex without any emotional investment in that person. He's very guarded and keeps to himself and doesn't act like a typical guy. Most of the time. He's very respectful of women and especially during sex. Nothing is degrading with him. It's very gentle and loving. I really love that about him.

If I could take one piece out of his personality it would be the side that can't rationalize and implant him with reason and rationalization skills. It does cause problems for a relationship. When he's normal (ie, not stressed out about anything), he's actually a lot of fun to be around. He's funny, he's warm, he's a great conversationalist. We discuss music and movies, sometimes politics and we get into very strange deep conversations. He's really looking for someone to take care of him. It's hard to take complete care of him when he lashes out. It makes me not like the person I know he is. That very fragile, sheltered person with a very large and genuine heart. So, don't get me wrong, when he is calm, he's great to be around. The problem with this is that he's moody. You never know what mood he will be in on what day. I don't think he realizes how to take care of a partner, a GF. I don't know that he realizes all of the emotional investment you have to put into a female to make her happy. I don't rely on that from him. I am fairly strong, so I just rely on myself for that. Sometimes he can barely take care of himself, let alone another person, yet he says he wants kids. That's another post entirely.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Vacation Do's and Don'ts

I sometimes sit back and wonder what is wrong with me? I really don't need a BF. I have a very full life. My BF decided to go camping with his brothers for a few days. The first night he called me and left a vm. I was at the movies and didn't pick up. The next day I woke up with a Migraine and was in no mood to work or do anything. However, I did text him and let him know how things were going on my end. I didn't hear from him for the entire day. No texts, no calls, etc. Then today he didn't text or call. So, I sent him a text that said, "Is there any reason why I haven't heard from you in two days?" Meaning, I sent him a fairly lengthy text on Friday, this one was short. My thought process was well, if he's hiking, then I don't want to have a long message in case he is in a spot where he can't take time to read a long message. So, I am trying to be nice. He returns from his trip and leaves me a hateful vm. He is obviously upset. He tells me never to text him such in such a manner ever again and that he doesn't feel like he has to check in with me. OMG. WTF? He gets like this from time to time. I used to practice law and I am a very direct person.

I think it was reasonable to expect a call or at the very minimum a text. For him to get upset and yell at me is insane. I think he is insane. He jumps to conclusions and makes determinations that are very far from reality. He used to talk about how I made him "feel" when I would ask certain questions. He said it sounded demanding. How dare anyone expect anything from him? You are in a relationship, be accountable. How is that being demanding? His reasoning is....verbatim mind you, "I'm on vacation. I shouldn't have to check in with you." I think, well, whether or not you are on vacation, you should be courteous of your partner. Of course he likes to turn it around and say, well just think if you were on vacation with your friends and I sent you a text like that? First of all, I wouldn't ignore the other person if they sent me a text or left me a message, I would respond. So, I'm not sure why he likes to turn the tables around. He was wrong to jump to conclusions. He was wrong to leave me a rude vm. He was wrong to give me an attitude about being up his ass. He has no idea that a normal girl is going to be up his ass. If I lived in the same city and he acted like this, I would no longer continue. Our relationship would have been very short to begin with. While I am on this subject let me just point out what a normal girl wouldn't put up with:

1. His messy apt. It's not even an apt, it's a garage turned into a 1 bedroom. It's no more than 500 square feet and it's a mess.

2. His selfishness. Usually guys take their GFs out for birthday, dates, special occassions. Not him, he has never taken me out for dinner. He's purchased a pizza here and there and taken me to eat at the local Boston Market but nothing really nice. He's never paid for a movie. He's always broke.

3. Gifts. Girls like to be spoiled. He's only gotten me two large items, a purse for xmas and a necklace, both very nice. However, they were late. I rec'd my xmas gift in Feb and my bday gift in June. (my bday is in april) He never sends me cards, flowers, nothing for valentine's day. He never makes me dinner or breakfast. He is just not thoughtful.

4. Vacations. He never has said, let's take a couple of days off and go out of town. Never. I'm sure he's never even thought of it. He uses his job as the excuse of why he can't plan or do anything like go out of town.

5. He sleeps with stuffed animals on his bed. He's 35, almost 36 and he has stuffed animals from probably every girl he's dated

6. Everything is always on his terms. I'll call you when I feel like talking to you, I'll see you when I want to see you. Wow, and you are single why?

7. His condition keeps him from being able to really have a meaningful relationship with someone. He doesn't see it.

8. He's very tender. For his weight, size, he acts like this fragile doe. Everything bothers him, everything annoys him, everything from humidity, to having to have sex more than once, to eating dinner.

I understand that everyone has their 'issues'....but my god. He has enough issues for 10 men.

I'm at the edge here with this person. He has no idea how to treat someone who cares about him. Even if that's what I was doing, ie, make him check in with me, I didn't deserve the reaction. However, I am a pretty direct person and he always seems defensive. It's like he reacts first, like Tarzan, me hurt, must lash out. He has no ability to reason and realize that I am not that sort of person. If it were me, I would take into account how this person acts and then make a determination on behavior. I just don't like the person he is when he acts like this. It doesn't make me want to see him or be around him. Just to even say that I think is a very selfish thing to say and to react like that only shows me he has absolutely no social skills. How dare you call me or text me or ask me questions while I am on vacation. His behavior is abusive. When he acts like that it makes me think he has something to hide.

I pointed out to him that I do not call 5 times per day, I do not text him asking him to tell me where he is on the weekends when we don't see each other. I've never been like that. So for him to think that I am so demanding makes me crazy. It makes me think that I can't ever ask him any questions or wonder something. I know he knows how strangely he acts when he gets bent out of shape. He did apologize, however, I still feel strange about our relationship.

After the last fight I was really going to give it my best shot. However, after this, I just don't think I can deal with his behavior. It's rude and self centered. It's not the way I would treat someone and I don't expect behavior like this. Who would? I got through the call. We made small talk for a few min. I wished him a good night and I hung up.

I need distance, more than the distance from Boston to NY.
I need some time off from this relationship.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Two Days Later

Well, it's been two days since the big fight. Much has happened on my end, however, I am not sure of what is happening on his end. I did offer up an apology for hanging up the phone. It is an immature thing that I do. It's not because I don't want to listen to the other person. It's because that person is yelling or angry or saying mean things. I don't handle anger well. I never have. My grandmother was such a huge focal point in my life, having been raised by her. She used guilt on all sorts of topics and I always reacted the way she wanted me to. I'm so used to reacting that way, I never realized it was apparent in my relationship with my BF. I don't think he really realizes that some of the things he says use guilt as the tactic or manipulation as the tactic. Therefore he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. So, how do you fix it? That's the question. Since I know little about his childhood, the life he had with his mom before she died, and what really goes through his head.

My grandmother was a generous person, that's where I learned it from. She was always giving money to strangers if they were down and out on their luck. I know she had be through hard times and knew what it was like to suffer. She never like to see anyone suffer. Hence the reason she adopted me. She couldn't handle me being beaten at the hands of my mom. She was a very good person and taught me many wonderful things about being a wonderful person.

It is hard for me to watch someone else that I care about have a hard time. Especially with money. I've had a good life. I've worked hard, I've had wonderful friends, I've seen amazing places, I feel very fortunate and very blessed. When I met my BF, he was moving in several different directions, none of them helpful. He was dating a girl who didn't appreciate him or really try to help him go in the right direction. At first I thought it was all her. But as with anything there are two sides to the story. Now I seem to understand why she distanced herself, maybe didn't always make herself available and criticized his behavior. Of course she had her own issues and they coupled around his and it just made a destructive relationship.

He has issues with initiating anything. He doesn't initiate sex, he leaves it to the woman. He doesn't initiate plans. He really only operates a day at a time. Therefore he can't really make plans because he doesn't see that far into the future. If it were up to him, he would stay home all the time. Life is stressful for him due to his Asperger's Syndrome. That's a challenge. He won't get on medication that might make his life less stressful. He refuses to see that he really has limitations and I know why, who wants to admit they have limits? However, if he would look at the way he does things, he would realize that it's because of his syndrome. So, even knowing this and understanding this makes the relationship between he and I stressful. Yet, he only sees how it stresses him out, not how it effects me. That's the part I wish he could change, have empathy for someone else.

He says a lot of things that sound like manipulative or controlling statements. I don't think he even realizes he is doing it. For example, he said this to me on IM.

"I was merley explaining how i felt and you didnt like that, then you hung up on me. I dont know where you come off saying that i was angry, because i wasnt, i just didnt want to talk about how you made me feel, but you wouldnt let it go.... Im just sad and dissappointed with you, on how you can be so angry at someone who your supposed to love and care for. "

But what he really means is that I wanted to talk about something and he didn't. Putting the blame back on me by saying it the way he did. He's disappointed with me. Why? Because he had expectations of me? To pay for his storage? To never expect anything from him? Even people who love and care for you get angry and frustrated. So, that means I can't ever be angry? That's the feeling I get. I get the feeling he feels like he's doing everything he can to make me happy and I'm the one with the big problem.

'i don't have enough money to eat lunch'
'so don't be upset with me if i sound cranky'
'it's just because i'm hungy'

'i'm eating reeses's pieces (his work has them in the snack bin) cause that's all i have until payday' (which could be 5 days away)

So, he says the above and knowing how I will react, knows how to phrase it so I will react. Who wants someone they care about to go hungry? Not me.

When he said that he's never asked for anything from me, well, that really pissed me off. That's how he sees it. I don't understand how he wouldn't think that would upset me. Because it's like he's saying, it's your fault for doing all of those nice things for me. I never asked you to, you did them all on your own. That hurt me, his comment. Does he even look at himself and wonder what he does for me? I'm sure just showing up on one of our weekend outings was enough in his mind, due to all of the stress it takes to drive to the ferry, park and ride it over to CT. He doesn't see why I would be upset. Even today, he doesn't understand why I would be upset and treat him this way. He doesn't see that how he is contributed to it. He has never really seen that. As I think back on many of our heated arguments, I see a pattern. He usually gets his feelings hurt about something I've said, didn't say or didn't do. I'm not a mindreader. If I act aloof he thinks I am loosing interest, if I start making plans for his time, then he views me as the aggressor. I can't win with him most of the time because he has unrealistic expectations on me.

In the past I've not given his "cool down time." I've had a hard time with it because of my own anxiety issues, it's like I have to know right then. I've tried to get better at this over the years and it is quite difficult to me. However, I've backed off from him yesterday and pretty much today. I asked him if this was 'his time' or something else? He replied that he didn't feel like he could talk to me because I hurt him. (Again, not able to empathize) And since I had my time yesterday, this was 'his time.' I didn't respond. I don't think I can anymore. The more time I have to think about things, the less I want or need to talk to him.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Blown Away

I'm not sure where to start. Except to say I've been harboring resentments towards my BF for a few weeks. And sadly, I believe it is finally over. He did something in which made me look at him in a different light. I got laid off or fired from the job that brought me to Boston. I made decent money for what I was doing. However, now I am on unemployment and making a fixed amount per week. I've had some dental emergencies lately and those are expensive. I have to have a root canal and a crown on at least three teeth. In addition to having three kids to support, Life is expensive.

So, one day a few weeks ago, he called me up telling me wasn't feeling so well but that his boss had pulled him aside and told him on his last paycheck in June, he was going to receive a 10k bonus. I was honestly very happy for him. He works hard, has a hard commute and really put in a lot of extra effort on his work. I can tell you, our relationship hasn't been always financially equal. He came to me in January 07 and asked to borrow $200 dollars. I gave it to him without hesitation. From there, he steadily borrowed money from me until last Monday. Now, he makes 52k per year, plus his bonus each November. I know this because I did his taxes last year. Now, he didn't always come out and ask me for money. Many times he would say things like, " Well, I don't have any lunch today. I'm low on funds." I would offer to give him money so he could eat lunch. When his phone would be shut off, I would offer to pay for it. I ended up giving him my laptop because when his phone got shut off, he had no way to contact me. At the very least, he could IM me. When he and his ex gf broke up, she asked him to come and get his car out of her dad's storage unit. He was frantic and had no idea how to go about getting the car out, finding storage, etc. I helped him locate a tow, a storage unit and said I would help him out with the payment until he got back on his feet This payment was around $200 per month.

In addition to this, I have to go and meet him in New London, CT, get a hotel paid for by me, take us to dinner, buy everything for the evening just to see him. I used to go all the way to his house but recently I've had some health problems and I get tired really easy. He has a brand new car, same as I do, but he will not drive it up to Boston or get on the ferry with it. So, if I want to see him, it's meet in New London, come to my house (which incurs an 8 hour car ride in 24 hours) or go to his house (which is about a 10 hour commute in a 24 hour period). My point being, it can be tiring traveling. I don't understand why I have to go and get him. He's 35 years old. Surely he can drive his Altima up to my house with a map and GPS unit.

Ok, so back to why I'm upset. Since I've been on unemployment, money has been tight. I've got my own bills, I've got student loans, I've got kids to feed. With my dental issues, money has been scarce. So, after he got his bonus I waited for a few days to see if he would offer to help with the storage payment. He didn't. I finally brought it up to him. June was overdue, I couldn't afford it and now July was also due. Rather than just telling me not to worry about it, he asks me one day if I am still planning to pay for June? OMG, OMG OMG. He knows it's my last 200 until the next week. Sadly I say, YEAH. But in the process I've lost all respect for him. At the time, I think, ok at least I paid it now he's off of my back. So, after paying it he tells me about all the things he's purchased, CDs, DVDs, etc. That to me just put the knife in deeper. It's like, ok, you make 52k per year, plus bonus, then you just got a 10k bonus and you take my last $200 bucks and you are buying shit with it? It didn't leave me with a very good feeling. I was supposed to see him this weekend but yesterday we got into a fight.

He called me up. We made small talk. I was updating my ipod while we were talking. He mentions a CD and says he wants all of the songs on the album, not just a mix. I told him I only had 3-4 songs and he reponds with, "Why didn't you buy the entire fucking album?" There was something about the way he said it that really bothered me. I replied, "Because I didn't If you want it that badly, you go buy it." He shoots off, "Oh, now you think since I have a 'few bucks' I should go and spend it? I said, "Well, you want me to buy it?" "With what?" His tone changed. When he gets his feelings hurt, his voice goes up a notch. So, I say, "Hey what's wrong?" He said he was fine. I say well, you sound different to me. He then says, "I'm sorry I"m not living up to your expectations for this conversation." IE, controlling statement. As if I have an expectations for the conversation. Usually my expectation is to get through a phone call without getting into a fight. So, I have to mention that the phone call is sounding strange and headed for a fight. I'm like, "Do you want to talk to me?" "If I didn't, I wouldn't have called you," he says. Silence. Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Finally I say, "Ok, what is wrong?" He says, "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes." REALLY? What do you mean I wonder. He's like, "You just assume I have money when in reality I don't have that much." I say, "Well, you have more than me." Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't make that much money at his job and that I have more in savings than he does." I've been doing some under the table work for a friend. He points this out. Saying, "In November you will get a big check from him." I am floored and blown away at this point. I said, "My savings is for my kids' education, not for me to live daily on it." "I've already dipped into it at times and besides, that's not your concern." So, he proceeds to tell me that he's never asked me for anything. OMG, OMG, OMG. Are you serious? This is where it really gets heated between us. I feel there's nothing to loose as he has pissed me off beyond belief. I asked him, "Is that how you see it?" He says, "Yes." While he is correct, he's not always come out and been blunt about asking for money. He knows how I am, I'm generous and he knows how to say it in a way that will produce results. Whether that is concious or sub conscious I don't know. For him to be that adamant that he has never asked me for anything just pissed me off. I've been paying on his storage for his car since November. He says, "Well, I'm going to just sell it." REALLY? So, let me get this straight. You will keep the car if I am paying for it but you will sell it if you have to pay for it? WOW. So, the money I frantically sent you last week? Just gone? I told you last week you were going to have to make the storage payments. Why didn't you say last week that you were going to sell it? I could have had extra money. He's like, "Fine, I'll give you your $200 when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?" His tone was ugly, full of hate and spite. I said, "I don't want to see you this weekend." Then I hung up. He then tries to IM me. I wouldn't talk to him at all. He said things like, "If I don't get an apology, it's over" "You call yourself an adult but you hang up on me when you don't want to hear something you don't like" "You are a piece of work" All of this on IM. I never responded.

I'm not sure at this point I will respond. I'm upset but I'm not going to let some controlling lunatic get me involved in his own view on how things are. It's funny how he sees things. It's ok to have you GF pay for your storage? I suppose. He gets a nice bonus each November. Two years ago he bought a car. Last year he bought an HD TV. The first Xmas he didn't get me anything until Feb. I bought him a digital camera. The second Xmas he said he bought me a purse. I got it in Feb. For my birthday the first year he brought me a dozen roses. Told me he wanted to take me to NYC and go to the Empire State Building. He never did. Said he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but he hasn't. This year he bought me a Jade pendant for my Birthday, I got it in June. My birthday is in April. For his birthday, I bought him two signed Transformers, got him a cake, took him to dinner and a movie and some other odds and ends. For Xmas I got him an HD DVD Player. I don't think relationships should always be equal, I don't think the man should have to pay always and I don't think gifts should always be equal.

However, I should get my Birthday presents on time. I should get my Xmas present in December. I should be treated to a nice dinner every now and then and a movie. I should get gifts from my BF even if they are small, "I'm thinking of you" gifts, cards, mementos. I have never judged our relationship on any of this until now. Until I think back to all the times I have been so generous with gifts and money. He says whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. He's always telling me. "Oh, I'm going to get you X." But to date, nothing has ever shown up.

What I've realized is, bottom line, he is selfish. I don't have much, more than most, not as much as some. But what I do have, I share with the people I love. When he came to visit, I had his favorite drinks, made his favorite dinner, everything with the guest in mind. When I would go to visit him, no drinks even in the fridge. I like to be a good host. I think it's good manners.

So, back to my story, he's had money. He's choosen what he spends money on, no one holds a gun to his head. He spends it on himself and only himself. He's not a generous person. I thought it was only because he didn't have the money. He's had the money, he's just chosen to spend it on beers, weed, CDs, DVDs, Video games.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

New Jersey, Crazy Behavior and a Kiln

I had asked my boyfriend Jay to come along with me on a day trip to New Jersey to pick up a Kiln I had won on Ebay over the weekend. I'm not so sure what to think after this trip. I'm confused.

He spent the night on Friday and we had planned to go and pick it up on Saturday. This was going to take most of a morning and afternoon. He knew this. He is not someone you can spring news on he must know up front. I've already been told (by him) how he operates. He was given at least a week's notice.

We leave the NY State Line and he starts to get nervous. He constantly asks me if I know where I am going, if I have directions and what will we do if we get lost. Since obtaining adulthood awhile ago, I had already taken these things into consideration. I had my baby girl with us so of course I had taken all precautions. Plus I travel all the time. I am not great with directions so I always prepare myself as I don't like to be lost either.

The last time we had gone out for a long trip he would get worried I was going to run out of gas. He made several comments on this and honestly it was stressful for me. How do you convince an adult male that having 1/2 tank of gas is good enough? In addition to this he is constantly giving me a hard time when I am driving. If he disagrees with something I've done, he will freak out in the car. I have never met someone so absolutely uptight. If I don't stop or go as he would, he will say something. If I pull up too close to a car in a parking lot, he will make a comment. If I turn on the AC, he will comment on that too.

So, things were fine, we were talking and he had calmed down. Until........I missed an exit. You would have thought the gates of hell had broken loose. In an effort to calm him down, I stopped at a gas station to ask directions. However, this only made him more frantic. He did not want to get out and ask for directions so I did. When I got back on the right track, he starts in again to the point where I can't drive. He is berrating me in a way that I do not condone. I stopped the car and he gets out. He says he is going to walk home. We are probably a good 3 hours from where he lives and he has no money. I've got a baby in the car and I am not going to chase after him. What do you do in a situation like that?

My first instinct was, fine, crazy nut, walk back home, see if I care. But the more empathetic side to me got out of the car and asked him to sit on this rock and cool down. He did. I watched him in the side door mirror. He was gesturing to himself, talking to himself, rocking back and forth, seriously acting like a crazy person. I was afraid. He disturbed me, he acted as if he were crazy.

A woman in a truck stopped and asked him if he was ok, sick or something or needing help. Soon after he got back into the car and told me that he was sorry and that he doesn't like to get lost because when he was younger he ran out of gas with no money and it upsetted him. HUH? You just said you were going to get back home on your own and already knowing he had no money, how was that going to happen? That made no sense as did his other behavior.

He then asked me if I thought the lady in the truck was flirting with him. WHAT? How could someone not understand that she was only stopping to ask to see if we needed help. How could he think she was flirting? What actually goes through his head? None of this makes sense to me.

Once we picked up my kiln and got back on the road, he seemed to calm down. However, upon getting on the LIE (Long Island Expressway) he started to become angry again, nervous, needing to go to the bathroom. He would not talk to me as he was so distraught he could not relax. I've never seen anyone act like this. Was he agoraphobic? Hardly, he's out and about all the time. Ok, not true, I've seen one other person act like this.

We got back to my house, he unloaded the kiln into the basement and then he left. It was the most stressful time I've had in a very long time and one I do not wish to repeat, ever. He acts so strangely a lot of the time. If you don't jump up and down enough when you see him he thinks you are not excited to be with him. If you do pull off all of the stops, he says that I don't have to go to so much trouble. I am not happy when he is late to see me. He is constantly telling me how ON TIME he is but not with me. He is full of excuses. So, after telling him to be on time and then him not be on time, I'm not always enthusiastic to see him. I'm not sure why he does not understand this.

When he comes over to my house on the weekends, he only likes to do certain things. He likes to watch his UFC fights or watch music videos that HE suggests. It seems that everything is about him. If I suggest something he will sit through it and then immediately change it to something he wants to see. Even in some of the tiffs we've had he somehow turns it all back to him. It's very frustrating. I see him once or twice per week and I think that's probably too much. I'm just not sure I want to have a relationship that is so odd and filled with these angry outbursts and moments of crazy behavior. I feel like he is a child incapable of having an adult relationship.

He apologized and he did seem back to "normal" once the kiln was safely in the basement. He was supposed to stay longer but he said he wasn't feeling well and would prefer to go home and lay down. Honestly, that was fine with me. I didn't really want to be around him anyway. When he acts as if he has an ulcer or stomach pains constantly, I feel like his nurse. He's constantly asking me to check his temperature. Is he just a hypochondriac? I've never seen a grown man have so man ailments who wasn't assigned to 24 hour care. He should just check himself into a retirement home. At least there, they will take your temperature whenever you want and you don't even have to get out of bed on most days. He acts like he's 80 at times. He moves very slow. He does everything slow. I can see there will be no spontaneity. Even after sex he complained how his legs would hurt and how he couldn't walk. WTF? You are a young man in the prime of your life. How can sex be that debilitating?

I am here to take a break from my life. I'm here to figure out what I want to do. I don't need to get sucked into something that will only leave me exhausted. I am here to breath and re-engergize. Not be someone's nurse or mother.

Sometimes I think, can Jay really be this handicapped? Can he really be this helpless? One look at his apartment and you could probably tell the answer to that. Is he lazy? It think the answer to that is yes. He's just so helpless. Like a child or a puppy. I almost feel responsible for him.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Jason Capozello's Angry Side

Today I was working and my boyfriend Jay called me up. We had the normal amount of time to talk about things but I happen to live in a noisy part of town where the train frequently goes by during the day. I work from home. We were discussing seeing each other this weekend. He really likes to come to my place in Boston as he feels like he can get away.

The only problem with this is I go and pick him up and then drive him back. He doesn't like the idea of getting his car on the Ferry and then driving up, nor does he like the idea of driving all the way. So, to remedy this, I usually meet him 1/2 way and we get a motel room and we hang out. I've had some health issues lately that make me more tired than I should be at my age and I've told him about this on several occassions.

However, he had it in his mind that he would come up this weekend. I asked him about staying more than just one day and he said he wasn't sure if he could. He said he had things to do, cleaning his apartment, cleaning his car, etc. Now, keep this in mind, I am his GF and I only see him maybe once per month. So, I am thinking, you are on vacation all week and you can't devote more than one day at my house?

I didn't say anything because not knowing how he would take it, it might start a fight. It just makes the trip easier for me to digest if I can break it up over two days. So, I felt sad because he never seems to have much time for me. He works in NYC and in the two years I have known him, he's never said, "Hey, let's take some time off just you and I and go do something fun." Our relationship has only been a day here, a day there, etc.

When I moved to Boston, we said we would try to keep it together, but now I wonder. I really thought he would take into consideration my drive and say, "Yeah, let me stay the extra day." Now, there is something I haven't said. He has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a form of autism and he doesn't see how his condition really limits him from life. He may be nervous about being out of his environment for more than 24 hours. Even when I lived close, I only saw him once, maybe twice (rarely) per week.

So, back to our conversation. We had a bad connection and I asked him to repeat himself. I asked him to repeat himself a few times. I honestly couldn't hear him. Rather than saying, "Hey, let's talk when you have a better connection." He starts yelling at me with such verocity, I started to cry. It really came from nowhere. So, in addition to being hurt from the weekend talk, now I was hurt by his tone. He says he doesn't like to repeat himself and that it makes him very upset. Rather than looking inward to himself to correct the behavior, he looks to me to move to a different part of the room (for better reception) or for me to tell him that we should talk later. So, I told him I didn't like him yelling at me, he said a few things and I just said goodbye and hung up.

About 5 minutes he called back with his "I'm sorry." I didn't feel like he was really sorry. I was still crying when he called back and I needed time for the hurt to pass. While I know he doesn't like to repeat himself, and due to his Syndrome, he doesn't (or can't) take a step back to realize how the other person would feel. It's like he has no ability to relate to anyone. He can't empathize.

Just like he can't make a decision on what we were going to do this weekend. He now has to contemplate and think what he wants to do. So, knowing this, I tell him it's no big deal if we see each other, meaning, no pressure, just let me know. Rather than saying, "I demand you see me, and tell me right now what we are doing." I just left it as no big deal. So he takes that and acts like I don't want to see him. I tell you, I can't win with him. If I try to be nice, he takes it as me not caring. If I start demanding, he doesn't like that either. Many times he confuses me and it leaves me sad and distant. I wish he would get help and medication for this disorder. But of course, he sees no issue with these things. I'm sure if you asked him, he would say, "It's her."

Just the other day he got really upset with me because of my tone. I quickly apologized. In fact, I apologized profusely. He didn't want to talk to me. So, when he called me up this afternoon the second time, I told him I can't just not be upset. Just like he. He needed his cool down time. Of course, that's not how he thinks of it. He has a huge sense of entitlement.

He lacks empathy. I wonder about his previous relationships and how he communicated with them and vice versa. I know he didn't see much of his last GF. But since they were together for 5 years, he was comfortable in that relationship. Even though from what I gather, it wasn't that great of a relationship. He said they never had sex and they had grown to be friends. He said he did not love her anymore but that she was a good person. Which confuses me because if you have a GF who is a nice person why wouldn't you discuss the lack of sex with them?

Anyway, I decided to post this blog for me. So, that I can write my feelings. Know that I am not going crazy. It helps me to write how I feel. I just needed a place where I can write and not feel judged. I need a safe place. My feelings are all over the place. I am not sure what to feel. I love this person but the more I know, I get the feeling it will always be this way. I'm not sure if I can handle it. He's very nice and sweet but when he is cross, he is full of anger and rage. I don't like that person. Rather than taking a step back and saying, "Hey, this is my GF, I love her. She didn't hear me but because I love her so much, I don't mind repeating myself." Is this too much to ask?