Monday, June 16, 2008

Jason Capozello's Angry Side

Today I was working and my boyfriend Jay called me up. We had the normal amount of time to talk about things but I happen to live in a noisy part of town where the train frequently goes by during the day. I work from home. We were discussing seeing each other this weekend. He really likes to come to my place in Boston as he feels like he can get away.

The only problem with this is I go and pick him up and then drive him back. He doesn't like the idea of getting his car on the Ferry and then driving up, nor does he like the idea of driving all the way. So, to remedy this, I usually meet him 1/2 way and we get a motel room and we hang out. I've had some health issues lately that make me more tired than I should be at my age and I've told him about this on several occassions.

However, he had it in his mind that he would come up this weekend. I asked him about staying more than just one day and he said he wasn't sure if he could. He said he had things to do, cleaning his apartment, cleaning his car, etc. Now, keep this in mind, I am his GF and I only see him maybe once per month. So, I am thinking, you are on vacation all week and you can't devote more than one day at my house?

I didn't say anything because not knowing how he would take it, it might start a fight. It just makes the trip easier for me to digest if I can break it up over two days. So, I felt sad because he never seems to have much time for me. He works in NYC and in the two years I have known him, he's never said, "Hey, let's take some time off just you and I and go do something fun." Our relationship has only been a day here, a day there, etc.

When I moved to Boston, we said we would try to keep it together, but now I wonder. I really thought he would take into consideration my drive and say, "Yeah, let me stay the extra day." Now, there is something I haven't said. He has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a form of autism and he doesn't see how his condition really limits him from life. He may be nervous about being out of his environment for more than 24 hours. Even when I lived close, I only saw him once, maybe twice (rarely) per week.

So, back to our conversation. We had a bad connection and I asked him to repeat himself. I asked him to repeat himself a few times. I honestly couldn't hear him. Rather than saying, "Hey, let's talk when you have a better connection." He starts yelling at me with such verocity, I started to cry. It really came from nowhere. So, in addition to being hurt from the weekend talk, now I was hurt by his tone. He says he doesn't like to repeat himself and that it makes him very upset. Rather than looking inward to himself to correct the behavior, he looks to me to move to a different part of the room (for better reception) or for me to tell him that we should talk later. So, I told him I didn't like him yelling at me, he said a few things and I just said goodbye and hung up.

About 5 minutes he called back with his "I'm sorry." I didn't feel like he was really sorry. I was still crying when he called back and I needed time for the hurt to pass. While I know he doesn't like to repeat himself, and due to his Syndrome, he doesn't (or can't) take a step back to realize how the other person would feel. It's like he has no ability to relate to anyone. He can't empathize.

Just like he can't make a decision on what we were going to do this weekend. He now has to contemplate and think what he wants to do. So, knowing this, I tell him it's no big deal if we see each other, meaning, no pressure, just let me know. Rather than saying, "I demand you see me, and tell me right now what we are doing." I just left it as no big deal. So he takes that and acts like I don't want to see him. I tell you, I can't win with him. If I try to be nice, he takes it as me not caring. If I start demanding, he doesn't like that either. Many times he confuses me and it leaves me sad and distant. I wish he would get help and medication for this disorder. But of course, he sees no issue with these things. I'm sure if you asked him, he would say, "It's her."

Just the other day he got really upset with me because of my tone. I quickly apologized. In fact, I apologized profusely. He didn't want to talk to me. So, when he called me up this afternoon the second time, I told him I can't just not be upset. Just like he. He needed his cool down time. Of course, that's not how he thinks of it. He has a huge sense of entitlement.

He lacks empathy. I wonder about his previous relationships and how he communicated with them and vice versa. I know he didn't see much of his last GF. But since they were together for 5 years, he was comfortable in that relationship. Even though from what I gather, it wasn't that great of a relationship. He said they never had sex and they had grown to be friends. He said he did not love her anymore but that she was a good person. Which confuses me because if you have a GF who is a nice person why wouldn't you discuss the lack of sex with them?

Anyway, I decided to post this blog for me. So, that I can write my feelings. Know that I am not going crazy. It helps me to write how I feel. I just needed a place where I can write and not feel judged. I need a safe place. My feelings are all over the place. I am not sure what to feel. I love this person but the more I know, I get the feeling it will always be this way. I'm not sure if I can handle it. He's very nice and sweet but when he is cross, he is full of anger and rage. I don't like that person. Rather than taking a step back and saying, "Hey, this is my GF, I love her. She didn't hear me but because I love her so much, I don't mind repeating myself." Is this too much to ask?

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