Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Blown Away

I'm not sure where to start. Except to say I've been harboring resentments towards my BF for a few weeks. And sadly, I believe it is finally over. He did something in which made me look at him in a different light. I got laid off or fired from the job that brought me to Boston. I made decent money for what I was doing. However, now I am on unemployment and making a fixed amount per week. I've had some dental emergencies lately and those are expensive. I have to have a root canal and a crown on at least three teeth. In addition to having three kids to support, Life is expensive.

So, one day a few weeks ago, he called me up telling me wasn't feeling so well but that his boss had pulled him aside and told him on his last paycheck in June, he was going to receive a 10k bonus. I was honestly very happy for him. He works hard, has a hard commute and really put in a lot of extra effort on his work. I can tell you, our relationship hasn't been always financially equal. He came to me in January 07 and asked to borrow $200 dollars. I gave it to him without hesitation. From there, he steadily borrowed money from me until last Monday. Now, he makes 52k per year, plus his bonus each November. I know this because I did his taxes last year. Now, he didn't always come out and ask me for money. Many times he would say things like, " Well, I don't have any lunch today. I'm low on funds." I would offer to give him money so he could eat lunch. When his phone would be shut off, I would offer to pay for it. I ended up giving him my laptop because when his phone got shut off, he had no way to contact me. At the very least, he could IM me. When he and his ex gf broke up, she asked him to come and get his car out of her dad's storage unit. He was frantic and had no idea how to go about getting the car out, finding storage, etc. I helped him locate a tow, a storage unit and said I would help him out with the payment until he got back on his feet This payment was around $200 per month.

In addition to this, I have to go and meet him in New London, CT, get a hotel paid for by me, take us to dinner, buy everything for the evening just to see him. I used to go all the way to his house but recently I've had some health problems and I get tired really easy. He has a brand new car, same as I do, but he will not drive it up to Boston or get on the ferry with it. So, if I want to see him, it's meet in New London, come to my house (which incurs an 8 hour car ride in 24 hours) or go to his house (which is about a 10 hour commute in a 24 hour period). My point being, it can be tiring traveling. I don't understand why I have to go and get him. He's 35 years old. Surely he can drive his Altima up to my house with a map and GPS unit.

Ok, so back to why I'm upset. Since I've been on unemployment, money has been tight. I've got my own bills, I've got student loans, I've got kids to feed. With my dental issues, money has been scarce. So, after he got his bonus I waited for a few days to see if he would offer to help with the storage payment. He didn't. I finally brought it up to him. June was overdue, I couldn't afford it and now July was also due. Rather than just telling me not to worry about it, he asks me one day if I am still planning to pay for June? OMG, OMG OMG. He knows it's my last 200 until the next week. Sadly I say, YEAH. But in the process I've lost all respect for him. At the time, I think, ok at least I paid it now he's off of my back. So, after paying it he tells me about all the things he's purchased, CDs, DVDs, etc. That to me just put the knife in deeper. It's like, ok, you make 52k per year, plus bonus, then you just got a 10k bonus and you take my last $200 bucks and you are buying shit with it? It didn't leave me with a very good feeling. I was supposed to see him this weekend but yesterday we got into a fight.

He called me up. We made small talk. I was updating my ipod while we were talking. He mentions a CD and says he wants all of the songs on the album, not just a mix. I told him I only had 3-4 songs and he reponds with, "Why didn't you buy the entire fucking album?" There was something about the way he said it that really bothered me. I replied, "Because I didn't If you want it that badly, you go buy it." He shoots off, "Oh, now you think since I have a 'few bucks' I should go and spend it? I said, "Well, you want me to buy it?" "With what?" His tone changed. When he gets his feelings hurt, his voice goes up a notch. So, I say, "Hey what's wrong?" He said he was fine. I say well, you sound different to me. He then says, "I'm sorry I"m not living up to your expectations for this conversation." IE, controlling statement. As if I have an expectations for the conversation. Usually my expectation is to get through a phone call without getting into a fight. So, I have to mention that the phone call is sounding strange and headed for a fight. I'm like, "Do you want to talk to me?" "If I didn't, I wouldn't have called you," he says. Silence. Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Finally I say, "Ok, what is wrong?" He says, "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes." REALLY? What do you mean I wonder. He's like, "You just assume I have money when in reality I don't have that much." I say, "Well, you have more than me." Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't make that much money at his job and that I have more in savings than he does." I've been doing some under the table work for a friend. He points this out. Saying, "In November you will get a big check from him." I am floored and blown away at this point. I said, "My savings is for my kids' education, not for me to live daily on it." "I've already dipped into it at times and besides, that's not your concern." So, he proceeds to tell me that he's never asked me for anything. OMG, OMG, OMG. Are you serious? This is where it really gets heated between us. I feel there's nothing to loose as he has pissed me off beyond belief. I asked him, "Is that how you see it?" He says, "Yes." While he is correct, he's not always come out and been blunt about asking for money. He knows how I am, I'm generous and he knows how to say it in a way that will produce results. Whether that is concious or sub conscious I don't know. For him to be that adamant that he has never asked me for anything just pissed me off. I've been paying on his storage for his car since November. He says, "Well, I'm going to just sell it." REALLY? So, let me get this straight. You will keep the car if I am paying for it but you will sell it if you have to pay for it? WOW. So, the money I frantically sent you last week? Just gone? I told you last week you were going to have to make the storage payments. Why didn't you say last week that you were going to sell it? I could have had extra money. He's like, "Fine, I'll give you your $200 when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?" His tone was ugly, full of hate and spite. I said, "I don't want to see you this weekend." Then I hung up. He then tries to IM me. I wouldn't talk to him at all. He said things like, "If I don't get an apology, it's over" "You call yourself an adult but you hang up on me when you don't want to hear something you don't like" "You are a piece of work" All of this on IM. I never responded.

I'm not sure at this point I will respond. I'm upset but I'm not going to let some controlling lunatic get me involved in his own view on how things are. It's funny how he sees things. It's ok to have you GF pay for your storage? I suppose. He gets a nice bonus each November. Two years ago he bought a car. Last year he bought an HD TV. The first Xmas he didn't get me anything until Feb. I bought him a digital camera. The second Xmas he said he bought me a purse. I got it in Feb. For my birthday the first year he brought me a dozen roses. Told me he wanted to take me to NYC and go to the Empire State Building. He never did. Said he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but he hasn't. This year he bought me a Jade pendant for my Birthday, I got it in June. My birthday is in April. For his birthday, I bought him two signed Transformers, got him a cake, took him to dinner and a movie and some other odds and ends. For Xmas I got him an HD DVD Player. I don't think relationships should always be equal, I don't think the man should have to pay always and I don't think gifts should always be equal.

However, I should get my Birthday presents on time. I should get my Xmas present in December. I should be treated to a nice dinner every now and then and a movie. I should get gifts from my BF even if they are small, "I'm thinking of you" gifts, cards, mementos. I have never judged our relationship on any of this until now. Until I think back to all the times I have been so generous with gifts and money. He says whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. He's always telling me. "Oh, I'm going to get you X." But to date, nothing has ever shown up.

What I've realized is, bottom line, he is selfish. I don't have much, more than most, not as much as some. But what I do have, I share with the people I love. When he came to visit, I had his favorite drinks, made his favorite dinner, everything with the guest in mind. When I would go to visit him, no drinks even in the fridge. I like to be a good host. I think it's good manners.

So, back to my story, he's had money. He's choosen what he spends money on, no one holds a gun to his head. He spends it on himself and only himself. He's not a generous person. I thought it was only because he didn't have the money. He's had the money, he's just chosen to spend it on beers, weed, CDs, DVDs, Video games.

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