Thursday, July 17, 2008

Two Days Later

Well, it's been two days since the big fight. Much has happened on my end, however, I am not sure of what is happening on his end. I did offer up an apology for hanging up the phone. It is an immature thing that I do. It's not because I don't want to listen to the other person. It's because that person is yelling or angry or saying mean things. I don't handle anger well. I never have. My grandmother was such a huge focal point in my life, having been raised by her. She used guilt on all sorts of topics and I always reacted the way she wanted me to. I'm so used to reacting that way, I never realized it was apparent in my relationship with my BF. I don't think he really realizes that some of the things he says use guilt as the tactic or manipulation as the tactic. Therefore he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. So, how do you fix it? That's the question. Since I know little about his childhood, the life he had with his mom before she died, and what really goes through his head.

My grandmother was a generous person, that's where I learned it from. She was always giving money to strangers if they were down and out on their luck. I know she had be through hard times and knew what it was like to suffer. She never like to see anyone suffer. Hence the reason she adopted me. She couldn't handle me being beaten at the hands of my mom. She was a very good person and taught me many wonderful things about being a wonderful person.

It is hard for me to watch someone else that I care about have a hard time. Especially with money. I've had a good life. I've worked hard, I've had wonderful friends, I've seen amazing places, I feel very fortunate and very blessed. When I met my BF, he was moving in several different directions, none of them helpful. He was dating a girl who didn't appreciate him or really try to help him go in the right direction. At first I thought it was all her. But as with anything there are two sides to the story. Now I seem to understand why she distanced herself, maybe didn't always make herself available and criticized his behavior. Of course she had her own issues and they coupled around his and it just made a destructive relationship.

He has issues with initiating anything. He doesn't initiate sex, he leaves it to the woman. He doesn't initiate plans. He really only operates a day at a time. Therefore he can't really make plans because he doesn't see that far into the future. If it were up to him, he would stay home all the time. Life is stressful for him due to his Asperger's Syndrome. That's a challenge. He won't get on medication that might make his life less stressful. He refuses to see that he really has limitations and I know why, who wants to admit they have limits? However, if he would look at the way he does things, he would realize that it's because of his syndrome. So, even knowing this and understanding this makes the relationship between he and I stressful. Yet, he only sees how it stresses him out, not how it effects me. That's the part I wish he could change, have empathy for someone else.

He says a lot of things that sound like manipulative or controlling statements. I don't think he even realizes he is doing it. For example, he said this to me on IM.

"I was merley explaining how i felt and you didnt like that, then you hung up on me. I dont know where you come off saying that i was angry, because i wasnt, i just didnt want to talk about how you made me feel, but you wouldnt let it go.... Im just sad and dissappointed with you, on how you can be so angry at someone who your supposed to love and care for. "

But what he really means is that I wanted to talk about something and he didn't. Putting the blame back on me by saying it the way he did. He's disappointed with me. Why? Because he had expectations of me? To pay for his storage? To never expect anything from him? Even people who love and care for you get angry and frustrated. So, that means I can't ever be angry? That's the feeling I get. I get the feeling he feels like he's doing everything he can to make me happy and I'm the one with the big problem.

'i don't have enough money to eat lunch'
'so don't be upset with me if i sound cranky'
'it's just because i'm hungy'

'i'm eating reeses's pieces (his work has them in the snack bin) cause that's all i have until payday' (which could be 5 days away)

So, he says the above and knowing how I will react, knows how to phrase it so I will react. Who wants someone they care about to go hungry? Not me.

When he said that he's never asked for anything from me, well, that really pissed me off. That's how he sees it. I don't understand how he wouldn't think that would upset me. Because it's like he's saying, it's your fault for doing all of those nice things for me. I never asked you to, you did them all on your own. That hurt me, his comment. Does he even look at himself and wonder what he does for me? I'm sure just showing up on one of our weekend outings was enough in his mind, due to all of the stress it takes to drive to the ferry, park and ride it over to CT. He doesn't see why I would be upset. Even today, he doesn't understand why I would be upset and treat him this way. He doesn't see that how he is contributed to it. He has never really seen that. As I think back on many of our heated arguments, I see a pattern. He usually gets his feelings hurt about something I've said, didn't say or didn't do. I'm not a mindreader. If I act aloof he thinks I am loosing interest, if I start making plans for his time, then he views me as the aggressor. I can't win with him most of the time because he has unrealistic expectations on me.

In the past I've not given his "cool down time." I've had a hard time with it because of my own anxiety issues, it's like I have to know right then. I've tried to get better at this over the years and it is quite difficult to me. However, I've backed off from him yesterday and pretty much today. I asked him if this was 'his time' or something else? He replied that he didn't feel like he could talk to me because I hurt him. (Again, not able to empathize) And since I had my time yesterday, this was 'his time.' I didn't respond. I don't think I can anymore. The more time I have to think about things, the less I want or need to talk to him.

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