Sunday, June 29, 2008

New Jersey, Crazy Behavior and a Kiln

I had asked my boyfriend Jay to come along with me on a day trip to New Jersey to pick up a Kiln I had won on Ebay over the weekend. I'm not so sure what to think after this trip. I'm confused.

He spent the night on Friday and we had planned to go and pick it up on Saturday. This was going to take most of a morning and afternoon. He knew this. He is not someone you can spring news on he must know up front. I've already been told (by him) how he operates. He was given at least a week's notice.

We leave the NY State Line and he starts to get nervous. He constantly asks me if I know where I am going, if I have directions and what will we do if we get lost. Since obtaining adulthood awhile ago, I had already taken these things into consideration. I had my baby girl with us so of course I had taken all precautions. Plus I travel all the time. I am not great with directions so I always prepare myself as I don't like to be lost either.

The last time we had gone out for a long trip he would get worried I was going to run out of gas. He made several comments on this and honestly it was stressful for me. How do you convince an adult male that having 1/2 tank of gas is good enough? In addition to this he is constantly giving me a hard time when I am driving. If he disagrees with something I've done, he will freak out in the car. I have never met someone so absolutely uptight. If I don't stop or go as he would, he will say something. If I pull up too close to a car in a parking lot, he will make a comment. If I turn on the AC, he will comment on that too.

So, things were fine, we were talking and he had calmed down. Until........I missed an exit. You would have thought the gates of hell had broken loose. In an effort to calm him down, I stopped at a gas station to ask directions. However, this only made him more frantic. He did not want to get out and ask for directions so I did. When I got back on the right track, he starts in again to the point where I can't drive. He is berrating me in a way that I do not condone. I stopped the car and he gets out. He says he is going to walk home. We are probably a good 3 hours from where he lives and he has no money. I've got a baby in the car and I am not going to chase after him. What do you do in a situation like that?

My first instinct was, fine, crazy nut, walk back home, see if I care. But the more empathetic side to me got out of the car and asked him to sit on this rock and cool down. He did. I watched him in the side door mirror. He was gesturing to himself, talking to himself, rocking back and forth, seriously acting like a crazy person. I was afraid. He disturbed me, he acted as if he were crazy.

A woman in a truck stopped and asked him if he was ok, sick or something or needing help. Soon after he got back into the car and told me that he was sorry and that he doesn't like to get lost because when he was younger he ran out of gas with no money and it upsetted him. HUH? You just said you were going to get back home on your own and already knowing he had no money, how was that going to happen? That made no sense as did his other behavior.

He then asked me if I thought the lady in the truck was flirting with him. WHAT? How could someone not understand that she was only stopping to ask to see if we needed help. How could he think she was flirting? What actually goes through his head? None of this makes sense to me.

Once we picked up my kiln and got back on the road, he seemed to calm down. However, upon getting on the LIE (Long Island Expressway) he started to become angry again, nervous, needing to go to the bathroom. He would not talk to me as he was so distraught he could not relax. I've never seen anyone act like this. Was he agoraphobic? Hardly, he's out and about all the time. Ok, not true, I've seen one other person act like this.

We got back to my house, he unloaded the kiln into the basement and then he left. It was the most stressful time I've had in a very long time and one I do not wish to repeat, ever. He acts so strangely a lot of the time. If you don't jump up and down enough when you see him he thinks you are not excited to be with him. If you do pull off all of the stops, he says that I don't have to go to so much trouble. I am not happy when he is late to see me. He is constantly telling me how ON TIME he is but not with me. He is full of excuses. So, after telling him to be on time and then him not be on time, I'm not always enthusiastic to see him. I'm not sure why he does not understand this.

When he comes over to my house on the weekends, he only likes to do certain things. He likes to watch his UFC fights or watch music videos that HE suggests. It seems that everything is about him. If I suggest something he will sit through it and then immediately change it to something he wants to see. Even in some of the tiffs we've had he somehow turns it all back to him. It's very frustrating. I see him once or twice per week and I think that's probably too much. I'm just not sure I want to have a relationship that is so odd and filled with these angry outbursts and moments of crazy behavior. I feel like he is a child incapable of having an adult relationship.

He apologized and he did seem back to "normal" once the kiln was safely in the basement. He was supposed to stay longer but he said he wasn't feeling well and would prefer to go home and lay down. Honestly, that was fine with me. I didn't really want to be around him anyway. When he acts as if he has an ulcer or stomach pains constantly, I feel like his nurse. He's constantly asking me to check his temperature. Is he just a hypochondriac? I've never seen a grown man have so man ailments who wasn't assigned to 24 hour care. He should just check himself into a retirement home. At least there, they will take your temperature whenever you want and you don't even have to get out of bed on most days. He acts like he's 80 at times. He moves very slow. He does everything slow. I can see there will be no spontaneity. Even after sex he complained how his legs would hurt and how he couldn't walk. WTF? You are a young man in the prime of your life. How can sex be that debilitating?

I am here to take a break from my life. I'm here to figure out what I want to do. I don't need to get sucked into something that will only leave me exhausted. I am here to breath and re-engergize. Not be someone's nurse or mother.

Sometimes I think, can Jay really be this handicapped? Can he really be this helpless? One look at his apartment and you could probably tell the answer to that. Is he lazy? It think the answer to that is yes. He's just so helpless. Like a child or a puppy. I almost feel responsible for him.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Jason Capozello's Angry Side

Today I was working and my boyfriend Jay called me up. We had the normal amount of time to talk about things but I happen to live in a noisy part of town where the train frequently goes by during the day. I work from home. We were discussing seeing each other this weekend. He really likes to come to my place in Boston as he feels like he can get away.

The only problem with this is I go and pick him up and then drive him back. He doesn't like the idea of getting his car on the Ferry and then driving up, nor does he like the idea of driving all the way. So, to remedy this, I usually meet him 1/2 way and we get a motel room and we hang out. I've had some health issues lately that make me more tired than I should be at my age and I've told him about this on several occassions.

However, he had it in his mind that he would come up this weekend. I asked him about staying more than just one day and he said he wasn't sure if he could. He said he had things to do, cleaning his apartment, cleaning his car, etc. Now, keep this in mind, I am his GF and I only see him maybe once per month. So, I am thinking, you are on vacation all week and you can't devote more than one day at my house?

I didn't say anything because not knowing how he would take it, it might start a fight. It just makes the trip easier for me to digest if I can break it up over two days. So, I felt sad because he never seems to have much time for me. He works in NYC and in the two years I have known him, he's never said, "Hey, let's take some time off just you and I and go do something fun." Our relationship has only been a day here, a day there, etc.

When I moved to Boston, we said we would try to keep it together, but now I wonder. I really thought he would take into consideration my drive and say, "Yeah, let me stay the extra day." Now, there is something I haven't said. He has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a form of autism and he doesn't see how his condition really limits him from life. He may be nervous about being out of his environment for more than 24 hours. Even when I lived close, I only saw him once, maybe twice (rarely) per week.

So, back to our conversation. We had a bad connection and I asked him to repeat himself. I asked him to repeat himself a few times. I honestly couldn't hear him. Rather than saying, "Hey, let's talk when you have a better connection." He starts yelling at me with such verocity, I started to cry. It really came from nowhere. So, in addition to being hurt from the weekend talk, now I was hurt by his tone. He says he doesn't like to repeat himself and that it makes him very upset. Rather than looking inward to himself to correct the behavior, he looks to me to move to a different part of the room (for better reception) or for me to tell him that we should talk later. So, I told him I didn't like him yelling at me, he said a few things and I just said goodbye and hung up.

About 5 minutes he called back with his "I'm sorry." I didn't feel like he was really sorry. I was still crying when he called back and I needed time for the hurt to pass. While I know he doesn't like to repeat himself, and due to his Syndrome, he doesn't (or can't) take a step back to realize how the other person would feel. It's like he has no ability to relate to anyone. He can't empathize.

Just like he can't make a decision on what we were going to do this weekend. He now has to contemplate and think what he wants to do. So, knowing this, I tell him it's no big deal if we see each other, meaning, no pressure, just let me know. Rather than saying, "I demand you see me, and tell me right now what we are doing." I just left it as no big deal. So he takes that and acts like I don't want to see him. I tell you, I can't win with him. If I try to be nice, he takes it as me not caring. If I start demanding, he doesn't like that either. Many times he confuses me and it leaves me sad and distant. I wish he would get help and medication for this disorder. But of course, he sees no issue with these things. I'm sure if you asked him, he would say, "It's her."

Just the other day he got really upset with me because of my tone. I quickly apologized. In fact, I apologized profusely. He didn't want to talk to me. So, when he called me up this afternoon the second time, I told him I can't just not be upset. Just like he. He needed his cool down time. Of course, that's not how he thinks of it. He has a huge sense of entitlement.

He lacks empathy. I wonder about his previous relationships and how he communicated with them and vice versa. I know he didn't see much of his last GF. But since they were together for 5 years, he was comfortable in that relationship. Even though from what I gather, it wasn't that great of a relationship. He said they never had sex and they had grown to be friends. He said he did not love her anymore but that she was a good person. Which confuses me because if you have a GF who is a nice person why wouldn't you discuss the lack of sex with them?

Anyway, I decided to post this blog for me. So, that I can write my feelings. Know that I am not going crazy. It helps me to write how I feel. I just needed a place where I can write and not feel judged. I need a safe place. My feelings are all over the place. I am not sure what to feel. I love this person but the more I know, I get the feeling it will always be this way. I'm not sure if I can handle it. He's very nice and sweet but when he is cross, he is full of anger and rage. I don't like that person. Rather than taking a step back and saying, "Hey, this is my GF, I love her. She didn't hear me but because I love her so much, I don't mind repeating myself." Is this too much to ask?