Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Men are Decietful

I truly believe that the male species is decietful. I'm not sure when they learn how to lie or why it is even necessary. However, my theory is that if men didn't lie, women wouldn't have reason to suspect they were up to no good. Whether or not they think their lies are for protection, my guess is they can't deal with 'being in trouble' so they try to hide it. Not knowing that this only increases the status of being in the dog house when the woman finds out the lie. Not to say I haven't lied during my life time. I lie all the time. About everything. Mostly to myself though. But it's interesting to catch someone lying to you. Some people are really good at it.

I know my BF has lied to me. However, he would probably say otherwise. Not telling the entire truth is also lying, deceit. I've heard him tell me about this or that and then a day later say something entirely different. I've heard him talk about movies he's gone to see with his brother, and I question whether or not it's really his brother who he is really with. I used to let it bother me but now I just don't even think about it. On the flip side, I've heard him talk about movies we had planned to see, in which he never told me he saw, then after the fact I hear about them through our conversations. I've listened to the lies about his cell phone not working, rather than just telling me he didn't pay his bill. I remember when I first went to his house, there was a book by Oscar Wilde and some Golden Girls (who watches that shit) DVDs on the TV in his bedroom. I said, "Oh, you read Oscar Wilde?" He replies, "Oh yeah." I say, "Well, you don't look like the type who would read Oscar Wilde." He says, "There are a lot of unique things about me." Yeah, I think? Like watching the Golden Girls in your bedroom? That thought just makes me laugh. I knew he had probably never heard of Oscar Wilde, let alone read any of his work. I knew it belonged to his GF.

I have to say, I'm not entirely convinced that they are broken up. I do not believe they are having sex or any other type of intimate connection. But I do think they have been in touch since they parted ways last July/August. His mom's furniture is still in her house, can't just cut off contract, especially because he wants it back.

I've point blank asked him if he's talked to her or seen her and he's responded, NOPE. I'm not so sure I believe that 100%. Whether he has seen her as "friends", gone to movies, gone to dinner, caught up about old times, yet to be disclosed. It doesn't bother me. I know they didn't have a good relationship. But I know he gets lonely, and a friend, no matter how bad a relationship might have ended, is always a welcomed sight when one is lonely. I know, I've been there. I've been lonely to the point of seeing an old BF on a chance meeting and not feeling the anger that I might have felt because he cheated, lied or broke my heart. It's like after time goes by, you forget about the pain and remember only the happy times you shared. I wonder why memory forgets the pain and replaces it with solace and comfort. I mean, there are cases in which I don't feel solace and comfort, but my guess is, that's because I didn't really feel any connection or love to that person to begin with.

Like I can still IM one of my exes who lives in Texas and we chit chat about our families and there is absolutely no attraction, no nothing. It's just like two old friends catching up. We broke up and there were hurt feelings. I left him. He wasn't ready to commit and I didn't blame him. I was ready to move forward with my life and he wasn't. After a few months without me though, he did realize he had made a mistake and asked me to marry him. As much as I had wanted that when I left, three months had gone by and I no longer felt like that. It was a sad parting. He was really upset. I was upset also but I realized that people change. They can't help that they change. Life happens and it makes us all different.

I guess I know that he is faithful, no matter who he spends his time with. This I know. He isn't the kind of person who could be involved with someone for sex without any emotional investment in that person. He's very guarded and keeps to himself and doesn't act like a typical guy. Most of the time. He's very respectful of women and especially during sex. Nothing is degrading with him. It's very gentle and loving. I really love that about him.

If I could take one piece out of his personality it would be the side that can't rationalize and implant him with reason and rationalization skills. It does cause problems for a relationship. When he's normal (ie, not stressed out about anything), he's actually a lot of fun to be around. He's funny, he's warm, he's a great conversationalist. We discuss music and movies, sometimes politics and we get into very strange deep conversations. He's really looking for someone to take care of him. It's hard to take complete care of him when he lashes out. It makes me not like the person I know he is. That very fragile, sheltered person with a very large and genuine heart. So, don't get me wrong, when he is calm, he's great to be around. The problem with this is that he's moody. You never know what mood he will be in on what day. I don't think he realizes how to take care of a partner, a GF. I don't know that he realizes all of the emotional investment you have to put into a female to make her happy. I don't rely on that from him. I am fairly strong, so I just rely on myself for that. Sometimes he can barely take care of himself, let alone another person, yet he says he wants kids. That's another post entirely.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Vacation Do's and Don'ts

I sometimes sit back and wonder what is wrong with me? I really don't need a BF. I have a very full life. My BF decided to go camping with his brothers for a few days. The first night he called me and left a vm. I was at the movies and didn't pick up. The next day I woke up with a Migraine and was in no mood to work or do anything. However, I did text him and let him know how things were going on my end. I didn't hear from him for the entire day. No texts, no calls, etc. Then today he didn't text or call. So, I sent him a text that said, "Is there any reason why I haven't heard from you in two days?" Meaning, I sent him a fairly lengthy text on Friday, this one was short. My thought process was well, if he's hiking, then I don't want to have a long message in case he is in a spot where he can't take time to read a long message. So, I am trying to be nice. He returns from his trip and leaves me a hateful vm. He is obviously upset. He tells me never to text him such in such a manner ever again and that he doesn't feel like he has to check in with me. OMG. WTF? He gets like this from time to time. I used to practice law and I am a very direct person.

I think it was reasonable to expect a call or at the very minimum a text. For him to get upset and yell at me is insane. I think he is insane. He jumps to conclusions and makes determinations that are very far from reality. He used to talk about how I made him "feel" when I would ask certain questions. He said it sounded demanding. How dare anyone expect anything from him? You are in a relationship, be accountable. How is that being demanding? His reasoning is....verbatim mind you, "I'm on vacation. I shouldn't have to check in with you." I think, well, whether or not you are on vacation, you should be courteous of your partner. Of course he likes to turn it around and say, well just think if you were on vacation with your friends and I sent you a text like that? First of all, I wouldn't ignore the other person if they sent me a text or left me a message, I would respond. So, I'm not sure why he likes to turn the tables around. He was wrong to jump to conclusions. He was wrong to leave me a rude vm. He was wrong to give me an attitude about being up his ass. He has no idea that a normal girl is going to be up his ass. If I lived in the same city and he acted like this, I would no longer continue. Our relationship would have been very short to begin with. While I am on this subject let me just point out what a normal girl wouldn't put up with:

1. His messy apt. It's not even an apt, it's a garage turned into a 1 bedroom. It's no more than 500 square feet and it's a mess.

2. His selfishness. Usually guys take their GFs out for birthday, dates, special occassions. Not him, he has never taken me out for dinner. He's purchased a pizza here and there and taken me to eat at the local Boston Market but nothing really nice. He's never paid for a movie. He's always broke.

3. Gifts. Girls like to be spoiled. He's only gotten me two large items, a purse for xmas and a necklace, both very nice. However, they were late. I rec'd my xmas gift in Feb and my bday gift in June. (my bday is in april) He never sends me cards, flowers, nothing for valentine's day. He never makes me dinner or breakfast. He is just not thoughtful.

4. Vacations. He never has said, let's take a couple of days off and go out of town. Never. I'm sure he's never even thought of it. He uses his job as the excuse of why he can't plan or do anything like go out of town.

5. He sleeps with stuffed animals on his bed. He's 35, almost 36 and he has stuffed animals from probably every girl he's dated

6. Everything is always on his terms. I'll call you when I feel like talking to you, I'll see you when I want to see you. Wow, and you are single why?

7. His condition keeps him from being able to really have a meaningful relationship with someone. He doesn't see it.

8. He's very tender. For his weight, size, he acts like this fragile doe. Everything bothers him, everything annoys him, everything from humidity, to having to have sex more than once, to eating dinner.

I understand that everyone has their 'issues'....but my god. He has enough issues for 10 men.

I'm at the edge here with this person. He has no idea how to treat someone who cares about him. Even if that's what I was doing, ie, make him check in with me, I didn't deserve the reaction. However, I am a pretty direct person and he always seems defensive. It's like he reacts first, like Tarzan, me hurt, must lash out. He has no ability to reason and realize that I am not that sort of person. If it were me, I would take into account how this person acts and then make a determination on behavior. I just don't like the person he is when he acts like this. It doesn't make me want to see him or be around him. Just to even say that I think is a very selfish thing to say and to react like that only shows me he has absolutely no social skills. How dare you call me or text me or ask me questions while I am on vacation. His behavior is abusive. When he acts like that it makes me think he has something to hide.

I pointed out to him that I do not call 5 times per day, I do not text him asking him to tell me where he is on the weekends when we don't see each other. I've never been like that. So for him to think that I am so demanding makes me crazy. It makes me think that I can't ever ask him any questions or wonder something. I know he knows how strangely he acts when he gets bent out of shape. He did apologize, however, I still feel strange about our relationship.

After the last fight I was really going to give it my best shot. However, after this, I just don't think I can deal with his behavior. It's rude and self centered. It's not the way I would treat someone and I don't expect behavior like this. Who would? I got through the call. We made small talk for a few min. I wished him a good night and I hung up.

I need distance, more than the distance from Boston to NY.
I need some time off from this relationship.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Two Days Later

Well, it's been two days since the big fight. Much has happened on my end, however, I am not sure of what is happening on his end. I did offer up an apology for hanging up the phone. It is an immature thing that I do. It's not because I don't want to listen to the other person. It's because that person is yelling or angry or saying mean things. I don't handle anger well. I never have. My grandmother was such a huge focal point in my life, having been raised by her. She used guilt on all sorts of topics and I always reacted the way she wanted me to. I'm so used to reacting that way, I never realized it was apparent in my relationship with my BF. I don't think he really realizes that some of the things he says use guilt as the tactic or manipulation as the tactic. Therefore he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. So, how do you fix it? That's the question. Since I know little about his childhood, the life he had with his mom before she died, and what really goes through his head.

My grandmother was a generous person, that's where I learned it from. She was always giving money to strangers if they were down and out on their luck. I know she had be through hard times and knew what it was like to suffer. She never like to see anyone suffer. Hence the reason she adopted me. She couldn't handle me being beaten at the hands of my mom. She was a very good person and taught me many wonderful things about being a wonderful person.

It is hard for me to watch someone else that I care about have a hard time. Especially with money. I've had a good life. I've worked hard, I've had wonderful friends, I've seen amazing places, I feel very fortunate and very blessed. When I met my BF, he was moving in several different directions, none of them helpful. He was dating a girl who didn't appreciate him or really try to help him go in the right direction. At first I thought it was all her. But as with anything there are two sides to the story. Now I seem to understand why she distanced herself, maybe didn't always make herself available and criticized his behavior. Of course she had her own issues and they coupled around his and it just made a destructive relationship.

He has issues with initiating anything. He doesn't initiate sex, he leaves it to the woman. He doesn't initiate plans. He really only operates a day at a time. Therefore he can't really make plans because he doesn't see that far into the future. If it were up to him, he would stay home all the time. Life is stressful for him due to his Asperger's Syndrome. That's a challenge. He won't get on medication that might make his life less stressful. He refuses to see that he really has limitations and I know why, who wants to admit they have limits? However, if he would look at the way he does things, he would realize that it's because of his syndrome. So, even knowing this and understanding this makes the relationship between he and I stressful. Yet, he only sees how it stresses him out, not how it effects me. That's the part I wish he could change, have empathy for someone else.

He says a lot of things that sound like manipulative or controlling statements. I don't think he even realizes he is doing it. For example, he said this to me on IM.

"I was merley explaining how i felt and you didnt like that, then you hung up on me. I dont know where you come off saying that i was angry, because i wasnt, i just didnt want to talk about how you made me feel, but you wouldnt let it go.... Im just sad and dissappointed with you, on how you can be so angry at someone who your supposed to love and care for. "

But what he really means is that I wanted to talk about something and he didn't. Putting the blame back on me by saying it the way he did. He's disappointed with me. Why? Because he had expectations of me? To pay for his storage? To never expect anything from him? Even people who love and care for you get angry and frustrated. So, that means I can't ever be angry? That's the feeling I get. I get the feeling he feels like he's doing everything he can to make me happy and I'm the one with the big problem.

'i don't have enough money to eat lunch'
'so don't be upset with me if i sound cranky'
'it's just because i'm hungy'

'i'm eating reeses's pieces (his work has them in the snack bin) cause that's all i have until payday' (which could be 5 days away)

So, he says the above and knowing how I will react, knows how to phrase it so I will react. Who wants someone they care about to go hungry? Not me.

When he said that he's never asked for anything from me, well, that really pissed me off. That's how he sees it. I don't understand how he wouldn't think that would upset me. Because it's like he's saying, it's your fault for doing all of those nice things for me. I never asked you to, you did them all on your own. That hurt me, his comment. Does he even look at himself and wonder what he does for me? I'm sure just showing up on one of our weekend outings was enough in his mind, due to all of the stress it takes to drive to the ferry, park and ride it over to CT. He doesn't see why I would be upset. Even today, he doesn't understand why I would be upset and treat him this way. He doesn't see that how he is contributed to it. He has never really seen that. As I think back on many of our heated arguments, I see a pattern. He usually gets his feelings hurt about something I've said, didn't say or didn't do. I'm not a mindreader. If I act aloof he thinks I am loosing interest, if I start making plans for his time, then he views me as the aggressor. I can't win with him most of the time because he has unrealistic expectations on me.

In the past I've not given his "cool down time." I've had a hard time with it because of my own anxiety issues, it's like I have to know right then. I've tried to get better at this over the years and it is quite difficult to me. However, I've backed off from him yesterday and pretty much today. I asked him if this was 'his time' or something else? He replied that he didn't feel like he could talk to me because I hurt him. (Again, not able to empathize) And since I had my time yesterday, this was 'his time.' I didn't respond. I don't think I can anymore. The more time I have to think about things, the less I want or need to talk to him.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Blown Away

I'm not sure where to start. Except to say I've been harboring resentments towards my BF for a few weeks. And sadly, I believe it is finally over. He did something in which made me look at him in a different light. I got laid off or fired from the job that brought me to Boston. I made decent money for what I was doing. However, now I am on unemployment and making a fixed amount per week. I've had some dental emergencies lately and those are expensive. I have to have a root canal and a crown on at least three teeth. In addition to having three kids to support, Life is expensive.

So, one day a few weeks ago, he called me up telling me wasn't feeling so well but that his boss had pulled him aside and told him on his last paycheck in June, he was going to receive a 10k bonus. I was honestly very happy for him. He works hard, has a hard commute and really put in a lot of extra effort on his work. I can tell you, our relationship hasn't been always financially equal. He came to me in January 07 and asked to borrow $200 dollars. I gave it to him without hesitation. From there, he steadily borrowed money from me until last Monday. Now, he makes 52k per year, plus his bonus each November. I know this because I did his taxes last year. Now, he didn't always come out and ask me for money. Many times he would say things like, " Well, I don't have any lunch today. I'm low on funds." I would offer to give him money so he could eat lunch. When his phone would be shut off, I would offer to pay for it. I ended up giving him my laptop because when his phone got shut off, he had no way to contact me. At the very least, he could IM me. When he and his ex gf broke up, she asked him to come and get his car out of her dad's storage unit. He was frantic and had no idea how to go about getting the car out, finding storage, etc. I helped him locate a tow, a storage unit and said I would help him out with the payment until he got back on his feet This payment was around $200 per month.

In addition to this, I have to go and meet him in New London, CT, get a hotel paid for by me, take us to dinner, buy everything for the evening just to see him. I used to go all the way to his house but recently I've had some health problems and I get tired really easy. He has a brand new car, same as I do, but he will not drive it up to Boston or get on the ferry with it. So, if I want to see him, it's meet in New London, come to my house (which incurs an 8 hour car ride in 24 hours) or go to his house (which is about a 10 hour commute in a 24 hour period). My point being, it can be tiring traveling. I don't understand why I have to go and get him. He's 35 years old. Surely he can drive his Altima up to my house with a map and GPS unit.

Ok, so back to why I'm upset. Since I've been on unemployment, money has been tight. I've got my own bills, I've got student loans, I've got kids to feed. With my dental issues, money has been scarce. So, after he got his bonus I waited for a few days to see if he would offer to help with the storage payment. He didn't. I finally brought it up to him. June was overdue, I couldn't afford it and now July was also due. Rather than just telling me not to worry about it, he asks me one day if I am still planning to pay for June? OMG, OMG OMG. He knows it's my last 200 until the next week. Sadly I say, YEAH. But in the process I've lost all respect for him. At the time, I think, ok at least I paid it now he's off of my back. So, after paying it he tells me about all the things he's purchased, CDs, DVDs, etc. That to me just put the knife in deeper. It's like, ok, you make 52k per year, plus bonus, then you just got a 10k bonus and you take my last $200 bucks and you are buying shit with it? It didn't leave me with a very good feeling. I was supposed to see him this weekend but yesterday we got into a fight.

He called me up. We made small talk. I was updating my ipod while we were talking. He mentions a CD and says he wants all of the songs on the album, not just a mix. I told him I only had 3-4 songs and he reponds with, "Why didn't you buy the entire fucking album?" There was something about the way he said it that really bothered me. I replied, "Because I didn't If you want it that badly, you go buy it." He shoots off, "Oh, now you think since I have a 'few bucks' I should go and spend it? I said, "Well, you want me to buy it?" "With what?" His tone changed. When he gets his feelings hurt, his voice goes up a notch. So, I say, "Hey what's wrong?" He said he was fine. I say well, you sound different to me. He then says, "I'm sorry I"m not living up to your expectations for this conversation." IE, controlling statement. As if I have an expectations for the conversation. Usually my expectation is to get through a phone call without getting into a fight. So, I have to mention that the phone call is sounding strange and headed for a fight. I'm like, "Do you want to talk to me?" "If I didn't, I wouldn't have called you," he says. Silence. Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Finally I say, "Ok, what is wrong?" He says, "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes." REALLY? What do you mean I wonder. He's like, "You just assume I have money when in reality I don't have that much." I say, "Well, you have more than me." Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't make that much money at his job and that I have more in savings than he does." I've been doing some under the table work for a friend. He points this out. Saying, "In November you will get a big check from him." I am floored and blown away at this point. I said, "My savings is for my kids' education, not for me to live daily on it." "I've already dipped into it at times and besides, that's not your concern." So, he proceeds to tell me that he's never asked me for anything. OMG, OMG, OMG. Are you serious? This is where it really gets heated between us. I feel there's nothing to loose as he has pissed me off beyond belief. I asked him, "Is that how you see it?" He says, "Yes." While he is correct, he's not always come out and been blunt about asking for money. He knows how I am, I'm generous and he knows how to say it in a way that will produce results. Whether that is concious or sub conscious I don't know. For him to be that adamant that he has never asked me for anything just pissed me off. I've been paying on his storage for his car since November. He says, "Well, I'm going to just sell it." REALLY? So, let me get this straight. You will keep the car if I am paying for it but you will sell it if you have to pay for it? WOW. So, the money I frantically sent you last week? Just gone? I told you last week you were going to have to make the storage payments. Why didn't you say last week that you were going to sell it? I could have had extra money. He's like, "Fine, I'll give you your $200 when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?" His tone was ugly, full of hate and spite. I said, "I don't want to see you this weekend." Then I hung up. He then tries to IM me. I wouldn't talk to him at all. He said things like, "If I don't get an apology, it's over" "You call yourself an adult but you hang up on me when you don't want to hear something you don't like" "You are a piece of work" All of this on IM. I never responded.

I'm not sure at this point I will respond. I'm upset but I'm not going to let some controlling lunatic get me involved in his own view on how things are. It's funny how he sees things. It's ok to have you GF pay for your storage? I suppose. He gets a nice bonus each November. Two years ago he bought a car. Last year he bought an HD TV. The first Xmas he didn't get me anything until Feb. I bought him a digital camera. The second Xmas he said he bought me a purse. I got it in Feb. For my birthday the first year he brought me a dozen roses. Told me he wanted to take me to NYC and go to the Empire State Building. He never did. Said he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but he hasn't. This year he bought me a Jade pendant for my Birthday, I got it in June. My birthday is in April. For his birthday, I bought him two signed Transformers, got him a cake, took him to dinner and a movie and some other odds and ends. For Xmas I got him an HD DVD Player. I don't think relationships should always be equal, I don't think the man should have to pay always and I don't think gifts should always be equal.

However, I should get my Birthday presents on time. I should get my Xmas present in December. I should be treated to a nice dinner every now and then and a movie. I should get gifts from my BF even if they are small, "I'm thinking of you" gifts, cards, mementos. I have never judged our relationship on any of this until now. Until I think back to all the times I have been so generous with gifts and money. He says whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. He's always telling me. "Oh, I'm going to get you X." But to date, nothing has ever shown up.

What I've realized is, bottom line, he is selfish. I don't have much, more than most, not as much as some. But what I do have, I share with the people I love. When he came to visit, I had his favorite drinks, made his favorite dinner, everything with the guest in mind. When I would go to visit him, no drinks even in the fridge. I like to be a good host. I think it's good manners.

So, back to my story, he's had money. He's choosen what he spends money on, no one holds a gun to his head. He spends it on himself and only himself. He's not a generous person. I thought it was only because he didn't have the money. He's had the money, he's just chosen to spend it on beers, weed, CDs, DVDs, Video games.