Friday, July 10, 2009

Do they ever change?

The answer to this is a simple, NO. They do not change. Period. In order to 'change' they must realize there is a problem. More than likely, your psychopath will not take responsibility for their actions. They will never apologize and they will tell you in long winded speeches why they shouldn't have to apologize. Apologizing would mean they understand their fault against you and feel 'remorse' for upsetting/hurting you. An apology after the fact, thrown at your face without sincerity is NOT an apology.

I know there are women (and men) out there right now believing that their psychopath can change. (Or, they do not truly believe their mate of choice is a psychopath.) I love this one! The reason they don't believe is because their psychopath is so good at telling them/convincing them they are not the 'monster' their friends and families describe.

This is the main reason why it is hard to break the cycle of psychopathy. How did you end up with a psychopath? First of all, you allowed it. First and foremost you are in control of you. You are the only person you are in control of. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions and do not wallow in the 'how' did I get here. Did you fall for the manipulation? Did you think YOU would be different? Did they abuse/mentally/physically and wear you down to where you could not do anything about it out of fear? Or worse, because it was just 'easier' to be in your relationship. Maybe you were abused by your caregivers, parents, etc. Maybe your self esteem wasn't built on a solid foundation. There are many more reasons and situations why we end up in the same line of victims, because we allowed it.

Love should not equal PAIN. If you are in a painful relationship whether it be physical or emotional, it is not a healthy place. My advice to you is to get out however you can, whether that be to plan your way out, stay with relatives, etc. Cutting off communication with the psychopath is key to leaving and eventually healing. I've heard all of the stories before. You can't leave, what would he do without you? You are the only person who understands him/her? You are the only person who loves him/her? You have kids and have no family support? You need him because you don't make an income? What if he comes to your job, your family's/friend's house? He's promised he will change? These are all questions that have eclipsed our thinking. Leaving a destructive, controlling, demeaning relationship is a hard hard thing to do.

First of all, those of you who are reading this are either in, have been in or know someone who is in an abusive relationship. It's an epidemic. Understand that if you have children, they will learn the same behavior. They will view love as pain and they will seek out that type of relationship in the future. You are an adult, you are in control of you, make the decision to stop the cycle. You are the only one who can. If you have been in a relationship with a psychopath, you will know what I mean when I say, it's a secret. Most of us don't go around talking about how we had a wonderful night of fighting, yelling and crying with the person we love. We mask it, we pretend it didn't happen, we hide it. As long as you hide this type of information from family and friends, you are keeping their secret. Their dirty little secret.

The reason we keep the secret is because we have to protect the abuser. I mean, no one has given them a fair shot in life right? The world is against them. They have lots of negative viewpoints on most things, why they can't keep a job, why they have had a string of failed relationships, why they don't speak to their own family members, etc. So, by hiding the bruises, the tears, the pain, you are keeping the secret. It's the only way the cycle continues. The minute you tell your best friend the truth about your relationship, they will say....UMMM, GET OUT! And then where are you? Well, you have to do something about it, right? Because the next time they see a bruise they will look at you like, WHY don't you do something about it? After awhile you become the boy who cries wolf. And people will start to avoid you because they think well, if she/he is so absolutely 'stupid' to stay, they get what they deserve. And so you shield yourself from this type of rejection too.

Most people don't understand the psychological workings of abuse, narcississm, psychopathic personalities, etc. People tend to think in terms of black and white. If the stove is hot, don't put your hand on it. And if you keep putting your hand on it, then something is wrong with you. In a way, they are right, something is wrong. Seriously wrong. You've been hard wired to believe this is what you deserve. In order to heal and not make the same choices again in your relationships you have to recognize and change the way you see love. Many people in abusive relationships don't want to do this. It is exhausting and it brings up more pain from the past. So, it's hard for the outside world to really understand which is why we hear, "Well, if they are so bad, just leave." Hard to do, easy to say.

If there is property damage, broken bones, black eyes, screaming, etc...more than likely the police were called. Most women won't press charges and those that do will often go right back to the abuser thinking it is a one time occurence or that they blew the situation out of proportion. The police, the legal system isn't set up to handle this massive problem. If you get the strength and courage to leave, you may find yourself being stalked. Stalking laws don't do much. We've had stalking laws since 1987 and hundreds of victims die each year due to relationship violence. If you have children you are obligated under the law to adhere to visitation with the biological father. 18 years worth of time. The best way to avoid this issue: make better choices when it comes to the father of your children. The law is NOT on your side and often the psychopath makes it look like you are the stalker or 'crazy' one. They are great at blame shifting.

So, do they ever change? NO. They never change. They will never change. They will never live up to their 'promises' to never hurt you again. They will hurt you again, it is in their nature. Living with a psychopath is like living with a BOA constrictor. No matter how nice they seem, how good looking, how educated....etc...when it is time to squeeze the life out of you for their own purpose, they will.

Guys like Thomas J. Capano, Darren Mack, Robert Chambers, Matt Matthews think they are so smart. They have convinced their attorneys they are innocent, that it was somehow the victim who perpetrated them. They have their communities convinced, their new girlfriends, their childhood friends, their parents. However if you look at these people, listen to what they are really saying, you can see they are lying. They are chameleons. They will change their colors to fit any situation they find themselves in. If they need to appear helpless they will. If they need to appear rich, they will. If they need to appear educated, they will. Those are the only changes this type of personality will make.

I know that you will read this and perhaps not believe what is written that somehow your relationship is different. If you are being manipulated, caused emotional or physical pain, lied to, etc, just know that as long as you allow it, it will continue. They need you in the same way a parasite needs a host.

My psychopath recently contacted me to tell me that I was keeping him from moving on with his life. What he meant was that I was keeping him from being able to prey on other females that may have googled his name. He even offered to 'apologize' to me if I would just meet him. As if. No responsibility. No remorse. I'm sure he is out there, preying on other women with his poor me routine, or his up and coming voice acting career, or his job as a talented musician, or whatever lie happens to work for him at the time. They won't ever change their need to humiliate, manipulate, control you, etc. You are the only one who can change how you respond to the manipulation, the control, etc. You are in control of you. Period.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Temper Tantrum

Have you ever noticed the pattern the psychopath or sociopath uses when they don't get their way? Maybe you were too busy at work to 'pay' attention to their specific need, maybe you travel a lot, maybe you are in school or have kids, either way, you are focused on another task or heaven forbid you have your own life.

Have you noticed that when THEY need something they will interupt you without a thought but if you really need something from them, they are unreachable, ignore your messages or take their sweet time to address you or to reciprocate a need you may have? When you ask them what took so long, they get upset and angry to the point they don't even want to talk to you.

Their needs are urgent and important but yours are not. They somehow work in that they are busier than you, more tired than you, not as financially secure as you, etc. Everything is about them!

I've dealt with many psychopaths in my life, I just didn't know it until the Jay incident. I didn't realize that anyone who abuses you verbally, mentally or physical carries traits on the psychopathy scale. I just lumped them into the asshole category but it's much deeper and scarier than just being an ass or a jerk.

They are nice at first, so nice that you think to yourselves, "Wow, I AM the luckiest girl in the world." While you are dancing on cloud 9 with stars in your eyes they change. But ever so slowly that you don't realize the little gripes and complaints they had over something just a few months ago, they found 'cute' about you as a person.

I would say that in all honesty, Jay was 'nice' for about the first month after I met him in person. I never did feel 'taken' care of by him but rather the opposite, it was he who needed constant taking care of. One of the first times he came over to my house he had some issues with his stomach. I rushed to the store to load him up on antacids, Imodium, and Preparation H. He had no idea how to administer Preperation H to his own ass. I jumped in like an expert nurse to coddle and take care of him. He relished the attention. From that moment on, I was the go to person for all things medical in his eyes. It was exhausting for me to tell him constantly over and over how to take Imodium or try to 'diagnose' why he was having stomach trauma. Telling him to, "just read the instructions" and it didn't work as he didn't seem to make sense of them. He would shoot back, "Hey, be nice to me." "I told you, I'm a late bloomer."

He told me that being a late bloomer meant he did not have sex until he was 22. He said he was socially awkward which I completely believe but I'm not so sure about the "I was a virgin until I was 22." He also cited the death of his mom for his apparent stunted growth when it came time to understand the back of a pack of Imodium. However, when she died, he was 26. So, whenever I would try and put the responsibility of something simple (like reading the directions on the back of an over the counter medicine) he would think it was mean of me to do so.

He acted like a very timid rabit until he felt uncomfortable and then he turned into a spiteful python. His anger was always right below the surface. He could be talking about something as innocuous as a song and then get pissed off enough to ignore me for days at a time. However, if I showed any sign of questioning or discontent or unhappiness, I was not allowed to have those feelings. He made quite sure that I didn't show him any sort of emotion unless I was happy and content. Basically I could not demand anything of him. I had to wait for him to dole out the morsels of attention to me. He acted as if I should be glad to get them.

Even more important, I could not be mad at him, he did not allow it. If I was upset about something I would have to wait until he was ready to talk about it. By the time that came around, it almost seemed like I was the foolish one to even bring it up.

Jay had several different ways of throwing his temper tantrum if he did not like what you were saying. He used one or all of them in the same instance. It would depend on how quickly he wanted to get me to snap back into submission. He also knew that I did not like to be dismissed. He was the master at dismissing me and my feelings. I would often tell him I felt punished by him but he turned that back around on me and tell me he was NOT punishing me. He was taking 'his time' and that meant I had to give it to him. HIS TIME consisted of his silence. It was pure punishment.

1. Anger
2. Poor Me, Sympathy, Tears
3. Distance
4. Leaving
5. Limited to No Communication, ie Punishment
6. Excuses
7. Manipulation


Raised voice (Angry) or complete silence. If he was upset because he was questioned on something or if asked for something that he did not want to provide (typically just an answer about something that did not make sense to me) he would give me an excuse..."Wow, I am really tired, can we talk about this later?" If I pressed him it would turn to anger. In a heated voice, "I told you I didn't want to talk about this right now!!" Once I was hurt I didn't want to continue the conversation. Then he would say, "What's the matter, don't you want to talk to me?" I felt like an animal that had just been kicked around. I did not want to talk to him but If I didn't, he would get upset over that and he may shut down for a few days. I didn't want that to happen so I would just change the subject until I could get off of the phone. I would just say that I was busy with work for a few days until I didn't feel so hurt.

If I said something about going out with my friends he would act jealous and he would pout. If I pointed out how he went out with his friends then it was a different story. He would say, "Don't you trust me?" During an exchange like this, he would blurt out things like, "Maybe you are losing interest in me." He would need reassurance and somehow the conversation would end up on him, rather than why I called in the first place.

If I said something that he felt was critical (and this could have been anything-serious or funny) (example-He would ask me, "Do you want me to bring over my box set of Transformer Cartoons?" I would say, "That's ok. I'm good on all things Transformers." He would say, "Wow, that's mean." Then he would be silent for hours. No phone calls, no IMs, texts, etc. A few days later he would say to me on IM, "You hurt my feelings." "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. I expected more from you." I would not understand why something like that would 'hurt' anyone. He acted like a puppy who had been spanked by a newspaper. I got to the point where I really couldn't say anything around him. I kept so many things to myself.

Jay could be talking to you and not sound like he was 'there.' Whether that be on IM or on the phone, he would tell me he felt depressed and to not mind him if he seemed distant. This happened quite a lot. He may start off the day with "I don't feel very attractive today." "Don't be upset if I don't feel like talking today." He was available for the pleasantries but very distant and could not handle any heavy conversation that consisted of anything except the Hi's and Bye's during the day. He had these days often. So often that I spoke to him about taking anti depressants. He did not like the thought of having to take something to help stabilize his moods, he did not feel like anything was really wrong with him.

The angry silence. When we had planned to see each other on New Years Eve 2008, he said that he may have other plans. I did not want to be rude but I was a bit hurt since we had made previous plans. Rather than start a fight, I just said, "Oh good for you." Then it was "Oh you don't want to see me?" I might sigh or say something to show him I was frustrated and he would say, "I've got to go." I would say, "What? You just called me a second ago, why do you have to go?" "I have things I need to do." I didn't hear from him for a few days. He often acted as if nothing was wrong the next time we spoke or chatted and expected the same from me. He did not like to be 'reminded' that I was upset.

He would call me and ask me silly little questions about how to handle this or that. If I didn't answer or was too busy to call him back right away he would mention that down the road, "Well, you never pick up your cell, why do you even have one." He may even resort to, "I guess you are just too busy for me." (GUILT) It was extremely passive aggressive. He may say it as a joke or a digg. However, If I needed to call him and he did not pick up, he was upset with me to the point of telling me that he thought I was "up his ass all of the time." That was his most favorite thing to tell me. So, whenever I needed something it was me being demanding but his constant needs were seen as something I should be glad to do for him.

When Jay would be late to my house, I would tell him that I would appreciate him being on time. I'm not talking about 30 minutes or less. I'm talking 1-3 hours late consistently. He immediately went into hurt puppy mode, defeated mode. He may turn that defeat into the "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you" speech. If I didn't want to fight with him I would forgive him. If I was frustrated with his behavior, I might say, "Why do you always have to say that?" "What does it mean anyway?" From there he would talk about the traffic (EXCUSE) and that he was doing the best he could. Why wasn't that enough? He would say, "You don't act like you are happy to see me." I was angry. He would show up and bitch about this and that as though coming out to see me was such a hassle. At the point it became too much for me, I would sit down and start crying. I just couldn't believe he could be so mean. Then he would annouce he was leaving. (Punishment and Manipulation). If I asked him to stay, he would get angrier and act like my presence in my own house was bothering him. One time it did get violent when I went flying out of a door onto a deck as he pulled me with his right arm. Jay would say that I had caused his anger. That if I hadn't brought X up as a topic, then he wouldn't be forced to get angry. He would act as if it were my fault that he had to get upset. And this meant I had no right to be upset with him. He often said "I told you in the beginning this is how I am." As if this declaration was his 'disclaimer' on all future angry outbursts.

Jay was a master at the 'excuse' and he had them for everything. There was always an excuse. He can't clean his apartment because he's too tired. You are too tired for a year? He couldn't buy groceries because he worked long hours. He couldn't manage his money because he didn't make enough. He couldn't wash his own clothes because he was out of money and had no time. He couldn't buy something on Ebay because he wasn't sure how to search for it. He couldn't find the bathroom because the woman at the store was rude to him. It was always because of someone else or because of a situation that was out of his control. If only he had more time and money he could take care of the things that he should be doing anyway.

Jay used his tears like a nuclear weapon. The guy cried at any given moment. He knew that it made me feel bad and that it would stop whatever I was saying or doing and pay 100% attention to him. I thought he was depressed and he might have been but the tears he shed were a 'show' to endear me to him. The day Amy died he called me and used his 'fake' tears on the message. I really thought he was faking, he didn't sound like he was sad or upset. It sounded forced. He continued to use those same 'fake' tears with me when he wanted to talk about Amy. At this point I was doubting everything. Jay uses tears to get sympathy from women, men, people at his job, family and the limited amount of friends he has. He missed his mom. I could understand that. However, his mom died in 1998 and he still cried (like a baby) over it. As if it had just happened in the last year or so. He becomes severely depressed in August of each year because of his mom's date of death and birthday but he never goes out to visit her grave. Yet he will use this as the reason he will never leave Long Island.

He uses what is available to him. Words, silence, anger, his mom, Amy's death, his work hours etc to control what he wants, to obtain what he wants, guilt, everytime without fail. If he apologized, he did it to bring me back to something he needed or wanted not because he was truly sorry.

Dr. Robert Hare says this about psychopaths in his book Without Conscience:

Poor behavior controls

In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Although psychopaths have a "hair trigger" and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths "blow their stack" it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are "cold;" they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper.

It's not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Great Article from Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths

Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths posted this great article from this site: To read the entire article in addition to other very valuable information, please visit this site today.

This article specifically describes the experiences I had with Jay Capozello. He was a constant drain on my time, my attention AND my resources. He is absolutely diabolical and without empathy or remorse for any of his past actions. I will be posting chat logs soon so that you can tell from the way he wrote how he used the below points to feed his never ending ego and need for adoration and attention.

Jay Capozello is a cold and calculated predator who will get rid of you whenever you have served your purpose to him. His 'nice' guy ploy is just that, a ploy. He kept Amy on an emotional rollercoaster, pushing her away when he wanted to see his other girlfriend and then pulling her close when he was lonely or needed money or sex or food.

It's been 4 months since Amy's death. Today there is a benefit for her memory and to donate to the fund of the people affected by the fire.

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the e motional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming self comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The narcissist does not only feed of adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed. Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims. Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.

He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.

Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

These people are sometimes called TOXIC....but

I was surfing this AM and found this article on I've read things like this before in regards to relationships and I have to say this has been the most accurate one to date. What the author is getting at is.......these are also traits of psychopathy. Most people think that psychopaths are only related to the nasty serial or stalker type personalities we see in the movies. If only it were so black and white.

I know so many women who make 'excuses' for the below behavior. I know! I was one of them. I'm not proud to say it but I had a problem...I wanted to please the unpleasable man. The more he resisted, the more I wanted to 'fix' the problem. What I recently realized is these type of people can never be pleased. A psychopath will carry more than just one of the below traits.

If you find yourself in a relationship with one of these 'type' of people, rethink your decision of why you stay. Love is a hard thing to define when you are in a toxic relationship. Being alone is no fun. However, when you live or date one of these 'type' of people, you will slowly lose your own identity. Most of you will already feel alone or worse......crazy. When you remove the fear of why you stay the logical process kicks in and you start to look at yourself in a different way. Stronger. If you can find the strength to get out you should. Being someone's emotional punching bag is not your job. Your job is to discover who you are and live for you.

Jay Capozello portrayed numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8.

8 Toxic personalities to avoid by Brett Blumenthal-Sheer Balance

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

Monday, April 6, 2009

Jay Capozello- Liars, Cheats, and Thieves OH MY!

Jay has so many things wrong that it is very hard to pinpoint the nuances of what makes him the way he is. He could get upset over the slightest thing, like someone parking too close to him at the 7-11 or if Jeff (his boss) didn't respond right away to an email he had sent. If someone gave him a 'dirty' look at work, he would obsess for hours over what it meant. He has such poor social skills, it's so hard to imagine how he was able to get by in life. Well, he got by because others made concessions for him. They made excuses. Myself included. I made SOOO many excuses for this lazy piece of shit.

Below are things that are indicative of psychopathic mindset and the examples as it related to Jay Capozello:

-Freudian slips of the tongue (indicative of mental conflict)- Jay would say that he told his friend Gonzolo that his 'friend' (ME) was looking for a web developer. When I questioned him on it why he used the term 'friend' he brushed it off as me analyzing everything he said. He told me that Gonzalo was recently back in his life and he didn't want him knowing his business. YEAH Right!

-Guilt feelings (covered up, but wants to be punished for something)-Jay constantly did this. He would get pissy with me if I didn't say 'HI' the right way. It was like he wanted to fight. Or, when he said, "I'm sorry if it's not good enough for you." We could be talking about something simple like the time we were going to meet. Then he would say, you put me in a bad mood so now I am not going to talk to you. So, he would get mad at me and punish me for something he had guilt over. Being around him was like walking on eggshells.

-Uses defense mechanism of projection (blaming others for own faults)- I can only think of one time that he ever apologized to me. He was upset when I logged online and wanted to talk to him on the phone. He got enraged. He was yelling and yelling and I just hung up. I was so upset. So, about 30 minutes later he called me back to tell me he was not just apologizing so I would pay for his storage. But that's exactly why he was calling me back. He was constantly telling me I didn't seem interested or that he felt ugly and that no one would love him.

-Uses defense mechanism of displacement (ditching, self-handicapping, settling for 2nd best, being own worst enemy, but feels entitled to something or being 1st)-OMG....he always felt entitled or that he was the best, 1st, etc. He told me everyday how great he was.

-Oral fixation (smokes or always has to have something in mouth)-Usually fixated on eating candies, Skittles, Reeses Pieces.

-Oedipus complex (or other love/hate relationship with parents)-YES! He sainted his mom and villified his dad.

-Comes from dysfunctional family or broken home (absent or abusive father)-YES! Abusive Father.

-Impervious to fear, anxiety, depression, or remorse (unremorseful)-High Anxiety, High Fear, Hi level of Depression.

-Superficially charming, a real cool cat (manipulative and conning)-He acted like he was Mr. Cool but inside he was afraid of everything.

-Inability to love or express emotions deeply, can't respond to kindness (cold)-Jay could not respond to kindness. Once he told me, "I've never asked you for anything." This after he asked me for a ton of money, food, my time and attention.

-Pathological lying (for no reason at all, can't help self)-Apparent for the 'song' he said he wrote for me. In additio

-No self-insight (doesn't reflect much upon own personality makeup)-Didn't have this at all. Did not possess the depth of understanding his own personality. He had to rely on what I liked in order to 'fake' liking it. He would tell his 7 year GF that he was going to start eating Oranges, Pomegrantes because I did. He would tell me he found a new album or movie because his brother recommended it to him.

-No self-humor (can't stand to be the butt of jokes or can't laugh at self)-Please see my YOU THINK I'M A JOKE post.....he did not like to be laughed at, ever.

-A fairly high IQ (good grades in school or disparity in achievement)- I didn't see a high IQ with Jay but rather a stunted knowledge base. He barely knew what state he lived in let alone typical facts you learn in High School. He has no knowledge of world events, politics, etc. He doesn't read but he tells you he loves to read a book from time to time. Maybe a comic book but nothing substantial. Intelligence from being book smart he didn't have. Street smart? I didn't see this either. He had a hard time finding his way around NYC. In addition to this, his emotional intelligence was low.

-Uses neologisms (makes up strange new words, abbreviations, or sayings)-OMG, this is so Jay. I called them Jayisms, or Yahooisms. OMG!! His work Ethnic....OMG!

-Fascination with fire (or death, or purified ways to destroy something)-Fascination to fire. He was obsessed with fire when he came over to my house. He would sit and stare at it for hours. He would beg me to get fire wood so he could light the fire. It was like he received orgasmic pleasure from it.

-Cruelty to animals (dislike of animals)-Jay spoke of how he loved dogs, diskliked cats. I had two dogs in Southampton that I watched. He never wanted them near him. My own dog he didn't want around. Yet, my cat, he let crawl up on him. I got two little mini dogs and he never even picked them up. Never wanted to know about them. But when one died, he would give me hell for not going to pick up her ashes at the vet. I just couldn't bring myself to do it at that time.

-Lack of probity, courtesy, or doesn't tolerate society's "niceties" or obligations-No, Jay was extremely courteous (AT FIRST). He was very polite. Once he asked our waitress if he could 'bother' her for salt and pepper. I've never had to hold back laughter as much as I did when she looked at him and said, "Yeah, it's right there on the table." But during a disagreement he was mean and cruel. He said hateful things, hardly the 'nice' person he started out to be. He had no idea how to do something for someone else. He was not a courteous person but rather selfish. Very selfish. Everything was about Jay. It was like the TV was permanently stuck on JAY TV.

-Moody, obsessive-compulsive, suffers from one or more phobias-Jay is OCD, he has a lot of phobias, MOODY!!! He can change moods like minutes on a clock.

-Does not tend to learn from mistakes unless immediate punishment given-

Correct, I gave Jay a lot of leeway. He acted the same way over and over. Then at times he would act as if he were a child, put his head on my shoulder and then want me to punish him as I would my kids.

-Lack of formal-operational thinking (tends to think in concrete, black-or-white terms)-Very black and white. There was no room for Gray with Jay. He either liked or hated you. There was no middle ground. You were the angel from heaven of the devil from hell.

-Identity conflict (often with delayed adolescence, hasn't grown up in certain ways)-Well, this is obvious by his apartment, his lack of bank account, his lack of planning for a future. At 36 he had no idea how to find the bathroom in the mall let alone plan for a future. He would often refer to himself as a "Late Bloomer."

-Preconventional morality (thinks things are wrong only because it might lead to punishment or it's not in his/her best interests right now, failure to understand disparities between own behavior and socially acceptable behavior, often in trouble with law)- Jay had several unpaid tickets which led to a warrant for his arrest. He also had a suspended license. This meant he was unable to drive yet he still did. He has a complete disrespect for the law, his responsibilities, paying bills, debts, etc. Yet he expects those who have borrowed money from him to pay it back.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Pink- Please Don`t Leave Me (OFFICIAL Music Video)

This clearly shows a song about a psychopath. There is so much depth and meaning to her songs and her videos. This is a great one for girls and guys of all ages all over the World.

Whether you are male or female, psychopaths are out there. You can see how the girl in this video doesn't 'connect' to the guy. She's abusive and controlling. Look beyond the 'funny' parts and realize that what she is saying is serious stuff.

You can see how she treats him as a 'possession' rather than a person. You can see her tilt her head after he falls because she is not even sure how to react but she knows she must react. She has an audience of dolls. Dolls are not real, they do not have emotions, she can relate to that.

When he tries to escape she pulls out all of the stops, crying, pleading and then to hurting him (debilitating him) and then to threatening to kill him with her AX. In the end, he may be 'free' of her but as we all know, we are never truly 'free' which is why she gets up at the end of the video.

Just listen to the words. When I first saw this I had chills and tears. I had some friends listen to the words first and then listen to the words along with the video. You get a much scarier view of their world. I've highlighted the ones that have specific meaning to how a psychopath will make you feel in any relationship.

You are not crazy. Be safe in your relationships.

Please Don't Leave Me Lyrics

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be........I am capable of really anything I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is....broken

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this.......Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest

But baby I don't mean it
I mean it,
I promise

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Baby please don't leave me

No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Sixth Sense

Everyone has seen The Sixth Sense. That's how I feel now. I'm at the end of the movie and the real story line was just revealed and Bruce Willis is DEAD! What? Now we have to go back and fill in the blanks of what we heard and saw and then the REAL reality of it all. We were fooled by this movie. I was fooled by this person. I went back to the early notes, IMs from the beginning, wondering if there was something I should have seen. And yes, the flags were Bright RED and waving to get my attention but I missed them. ALL of them. He acted like such a 'nice guy' a 'rare find' in his own words.

It's been almost month where I got pissed at Jay ended our relationship. It's been just 3 weeks since I confronted him about Amy (at the time I had no idea he was still seeing S.E. his GF of 7 years). As usual he tried to spin it back on me and start telling me about his grief. But if that's true, why did he have plans on going to the Slip Knot concert with S.E. on 2-5-09? Because they are just friends? No, because he was trying to get her back into his life and it was working. She (S.E.) found out they were getting married on Friday 2-6-09, even if I hadn't of called her two days prior, she would have read the article. Who knows if she would have allowed him to give her some BS excuse but my gut feeling is that she is too strong for that. Even if I hadn't broke it off with him, I too would have been reading the same news and thinking to myself, WTF?

I wonder if the people who knew him at work or his own family knew that he was engaged to Amy. I tend to doubt it because I think he is the one who told Amy's family this line so that they could have peace. Jay would tell me, there is a reason for my madness. Now I know what it was. To make yourself look like a good guy when in reality you are just a snake. From what S.E. said, he made it seem like Amy was some stalker who threatened to kill herself if he didn't pay attention to her. She even thought that Amy was psycho until she spoke to me. Then she realized that Amy was telling the truth more because my stories about how Jay would act were eerily similiar to Amy's.

A part of me knew I would never hear from him again. There was a part of me that was waiting for an explanation, an apology, something....but nothing. To get NOTHING. That was a slap in the face. Even if it were in email form, I would have read it, digested it and tried to make some sense of it. I would have tried my best to hear what the real Jay was saying. It would not have changed anything but I guess his admittance or accepting of the responsibility of wrong doing would have given me a sense that I could obtain closure.

I have to stick to my original conclusion, he is a psychopath. Someone who said they loved me so much, cared about me so much, who maybe just got caught up in something with another girl, well, they would have tried to apologize in some way. And it makes it very black and white. He didn't care at all. When he was eating Thanksgiving Dinner with S.E.'s family and opening Christmas gifts with her, he was telling me that he was all alone and he 'might' go to his friend's house. When he called me late at night to tell me that he was so in love with me, he was just bored and had no one else to talk to. When we went to see a movie, I had no idea he had seen the SAME movie two days prior with S.E. When he would come out to my house in Southampton, I had no idea he had just finished with having dinner with her. He never ate much and I always thought that was strange but it was because he had just finished eating with someone else.

And so, I have 3 years worth of 'these' fill in the blank memories. It will be awhile before I heal.
I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone else again. Ever. I had trust issues coming into this relationship but he worked so hard on telling me what a great guy he was and how I needed to trust him. For this? WHAT a FUCKING PRICK. ASSHOLE. COWARD. LIAR. PUSSY. BASTARD. CHEATING SON of A BITCH.

How can you be with someone for 3 years and then just not offer an apology or at the very minimum an explanation. He lied to me for 3 years about who he was, what he was, what his intentions were, what his motivation was.

Back in July 08 I really started to pull back due to the money issues and the consistent way he would talk to me, treat me, and then blame me for upsetting him. I guess in my mind I thought it would just work itself out. I thought we would part eventually and be friends. He told me he just stops calling a girl or seeing her as much when he wants to break up. I was waiting for that and I really thought that's what December was all about, distance. We had tried to make plans and he sounded genuine when we couldn't do it due to the weather or schedules or being sick.

Just to know that above the financial and time investment, I cared about him. I have always cared about him, very deeply, even if it wasn't love by definition. To realize that he didn't care about me at ALL, that was the biggest shock. Well, he cared when it was beneficial to him, when I was giving him sex or money or paying for our dates or giving him advice. When I became a regular person not doing any of these things, then he would toss me aside like a used Kleenex. He sounded so convincing.

I know this about Jay, he doesn't just part and remain friends, he can't do that. It's a big dramatic exit but he will take you back if you are the one that initiates the conversation. He would tell me it shows you are making an effort. Well, asshole, I made lots of attempts, more than I should have. But you, how many 'attempts' did you really make? I am thinking of two.

One after he threw me down on my back deck and then another time when I called to tell him about a 'contact' I had made for his voice acting, but as usualy Jay did not want to be bothered and just 'went off' on me. When he called back 30 minutes later, he made it a point to let me know he was truly sorry and that he was not just using me to pay for his storage. I asked him why he had said that as it hadn't come up. I thought what an odd thing to say but then Jay was always saying odd things. He probably thought, Ok, no one else is on the hook, I have to call back and act like I am sorry or else she will bail on me and I won't have anyone to pay for my storage.
Knowing now that's how he thought of me, well, I'm sick to my stomach. The very sad thing is this is different than a break up. And Jay will spin it to whoever will listen that I am some psycho GF he dated who can't get over him, who is stalking him. Remember he likes to play the 'victim'. Society will also think 'deal with it, you were dumped.' My friends don't even know what to say. I think it would be hard to know what to say. It's not like someone died, but the person I knew died, the part of Jay that I did know, the part of him he allowed me to see....that person died. I did grieve, for him, for me, for not trusting my gut more and for being such an idiot.

Revenge....oh how I want it, but not for reasons one would think. The next girl or girls to come along will go through this same pattern. He will be such a nice guy, they will get close and the girl will want more, they will fight, he will make her feel like it was all her. He will take her back because that is how he works. She will feel miserable inside. She will feel crazy herself because the relationship won't make sense, how can he be so nice and then so hateful?

I am convinced this is where Amy was when she died. I believe she was in turmoil. I think Jay was promising her more and more and telling her what she wanted to hear and she was becoming very possessive and had to do things to get his attention. Like taking too many Ambien, call him up and not say anything, to see if she could get a reaction out of him, just something so that she knew he still cared.

But he was working hard on getting S.E. back. He kept telling me that as soon as crunch was over, he would be spending more time with me. For all I know, crunch ended after GTA 4 came out. I think he couldn't handle how clingy and jealous she was. If she got too close, she would find out the truth. Jay doesn't like people getting too close.

I don't know if he was there before the fire broke out or not. He made some pretty incriminating remarks on the phone to me on 2-2-09. Could Amy have set the fire herself? Who knows, I guess it's possible. She was a smoker. Was she not paying attention? Was she trying to get his attention? Whether he knew anything or not, he treated her like shit and for that he does have some responsibility in her death. How is that fair?

Everything I've read about her made it sound like she was a happy and sweet girl. I believe this was correct. However, when she met Jay, I think she started to change. She started to change because she was falling in love with him. I can tell you from my own experience, there were times when we were together that I thought the same thing. He makes you feel like you are the only person in the universe. That feeling feels so good, who doesn't want more of it?

As one falls in love with Jay, you stop listening to your own instincts and listen to what he needs or wants because he is so good at telling you. AMY keyed S.E. car. Why would someone do that? Jealousy right? I think Jay needed so much attention that he told Amy that S.E. was the stalker and unstable and he was 'trying' to break it off with her. He sees Amy's actions as her proof of how she feels for illegal act, to show him he was hers. In his sick mind, he enjoyed this. He didn't care about S.E.'s car or Amy's criminal activity, either way he had two women vying for his attention.

So, why string me along? Because I was his financial and advice resource. Bottom line, I was just someone to use.

MySpace Tracker

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Thinking Errors

When I read this, I thought, wow, I wished I had seen this two years ago. The signs were always right there. I was the perfect bait. I lived far enough away that he didn't have to worry about me 'checking' up on him even though I am not like that. Not to say I didn't have my doubts because there were times I thought, I wonder if I drove out and sat in front of his house, what would I see? I would have seen the truth.

This article on Thinking Errors is too close to home. For each category listed, I will give an exact true to life example of how Jay fit into the psychopathic model.

Excuse Making

  • Babe, you know my schedule at work keeps me from having
    much down time, you know I would see you if I could.
  • Babe, I bring my clothes over here because if I didn't, I would have to spend this time at the laundry mat rather than being with you.
  • I know we just had a fight but I called you back to let you know I am sorry and that I am NOT just using you to pay for my storage.
  • Can you shoot me some bucks? I forgot my wallet.


  • You are a piece of work.
  • You are the one with the problem, everything was fine until you brought this up.
  • You are too sensitive, you need to relax, why can't you take a joke?
  • I can't believe you are talking to me like this.


  • Well, if everyone would just leave me alone, then I could finish this, I hate to be bothered.
  • The only reason I was driving with a suspended license is because I can never get time off from work to take care of it. I'm late because the traffic was horrible and the other drivers, well, they shouldn't be allowed to drive on the same highway with me. If it weren't for them, I would have been on time.
  • You took your time, now I am taking mine, so don't bother me.


Question from me to Jay: Why were you late in picking me up? Answer: Well, Ms. late to the ferry because I'm stuck in traffic.....

Question from me to Jay: So, you let those bartenders buy you drink after drink but you get mad at me if it happens when I go out? Answer: You know I am on limited funds.....relax, you get so jealous. I never get jealous or feel insecure with us, you shouldn't either.

  • Everyone loves my Aura, even babies, they can sense it.
  • Why are all of the girls looking at me?
  • I am going to be wealthy by my voice acting. I know, I can just feel it.
commission - making things up that are simply not true

  • I lived in Japan for 3 years. (not even remotely true)
  • I have a graduate degree. (i barely made it through high school)
  • My friend Gonzolo helped me move. (my gf Amy helped me move)
  • I went to the movies with my brother. (i went to the movies with my other gf)
omission - saying partly what is so, but leaving out major sections

  • I prefer animals to humans....(because they can't talk, bitch, demand).
  • Don't be silly, you are the only girl in my life....(but since I don't see you very often, I have to date other girls to get what I should be getting from you).
  • I got home at 7:30 PM and just went to bed early (but I didn't tell you that my other GF came over and spent the night).
assent - making believe that one agrees with someone else, or pretending, or approving of others ideas

  • You are right babe, I'm in complete agreeance with you.
  • You are the most intelligent woman I know.
  • I was never into politics until I met you.
  • You've shown me a different way to be.
  • I respect what you think and say.

Making Fools Of- Antisocials delight in making fools of professional people, such as therapists, lawyers, judges, etc

  • All of the guys in suits stare at me on the subway, I bet they are jealous of how I get to dress for my job. They are all losers.
  • I hate lawyers.
  • I don't need therapy, they might lock me up if I even got close.


  • You are not very excited to see me.
  • I can't believe that guy Flarherty, I said hi to him this AM and he didn't say anything to me, fuck that guy.


  • You don't love me anymore.
  • You are too busy for me.
  • When you say you are going out with 'friends' it makes me feel like other guys will be there.
  • Why don't you tell me you love me? It must mean you are losing interest in me.

"I'm Unique"

  • I'm a rare find.
  • I'm not like most guys.
  • Face it, you would miss me if I was gone from your life.


  • I appreciate you so much.
  • I truly thank you for coming into my life.
  • You are the best babe.
  • Thank you for all of your generosity.
  • No one has ever done these things for me before.
  • One day I'll tell God what a great person you are.

Fragmented Personality

  • I'll see Amy on Monday, Shaneqkua on Tuesday, Wed I will go to church, Thursday I'll see Amy again. Friday I will be with my real gf. Saturday and Sunday I will go to Boston to see my other gf.


  • I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I'm only human.
  • I don't know why you are so pissed off, I was only joking.


  • I'll have to wait to see what my schedule looks like after crunch is over.
  • We'll have to do that someday.
  • I might go the party after work, I'm not sure.


  • You know how to push my buttons.
  • I can't believe you called me an Asshole in my own home.
  • You know I am like this, I told you that when we met, I don't know what you would be shocked.

Power Plays (Jay was the MASTER at these!)

  • I'm hanging up now.
  • I'm gonna go now.
  • I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bitch at me.
  • I need to think.
  • I'm going home.
  • I'm busy go away.
  • Stop IM'ing me, calling me, emailing me-I'll let you know when I am done being pissed off at you, until then, you can just suffer.
  • I'll give you your money when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?

Victim Playing (He does this extremely well)

  • I don't know how to do that, no one ever showed me.
  • I was a late bloomer.
  • My mom died and I have no one to give me advice. I'm all alone. I miss her (cries for an hour) She died in 1998.
  • I can't clean my apartment, I'm too busy with work.
  • My girlfriend won't have sex with me anymore she's just not into it.
  • No one understands me but you.
  • I don't have any food in my place until next payday.

Drama-Excitement (He always had drama)

  • Can you believe the night I had last night?
  • I can't believe the things I have to put up with just to be with you.
  • You Asian women are all the same.
  • Well, maybe I'll just find someone to replace you with, a new model.
  • I'm sure there are lots of other girls out there who would do what I want.

Closed Channel (It is permanently stuck on Jay TV)

  • I'm smarter than everyone I work with.
  • I'm a good person.
  • I'm the best boyfriend, I treat you like gold.


  • You belong to me.
  • You will never escape me.
  • I will stalk you.
  • You will need to sign a contract to be with me.


  • I'm the best looking guy on this floor.
  • I almost had to kick someone's ass on the train today.
  • Don't worry flower, no one will ever harm you, I will protect you.


  • I'm the best.
  • No one can beat me on these games.
  • No one can write as many bugs as I can.
  • I'm going to be famous.


  • I don't want to think about that right now.
  • I don't have time to discuss that right now.
  • Oh you need me to call you now? Well, I'm really busy and I don't have much time so the call can only be a few seconds.
  • I don't want to clean my place tonight, I just want to relax.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

If I could write a letter to Jay it would say THIS.......Dear Jay, You are a fucking Psychopath!

I have so many things to say to you, so buckle up. I have refrained from using 7 year GF's name out of respect for her. You had my trust, my support, my friendship, my love, my insight, my heart. Those things together allowed me to give to you when I didn't have much to give as it was. You wanted my sympathy, my empathy and my financial support. I was always ready and happy to help. I only got upset when you took advantage of me or seemed uninterested in doing what I needed you to do, ie, pay me back, take me out for a nice dinner, pay for a hotel once in awhile, pay for some of the gas, not get mad at me and shut the conversation down when I asked for anything.... Gee, what a concept, being a real guy rather than some leech >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (picture to the right, LEECH) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

who has to take money and trust from a single mom. You took that money from me and my daughter. Always with the promise of paying it back. We are not talking about a few hundred bucks. We are talking about 6k. To me, that is a lot of money. When someone like your brother (Matt) failed to pay you back....You would turn around and bitch about what a loser he was for not paying you back $600. WTF? This is indicative of how you are. You selfish fuck. I wonder if you told Amy you gave $1000 and several gift cards to 7 year GF for Xmas 08??? Probably not. Did you mention to anyone that your own father disowned you over $160.00??? Pretty extreme but then again you are just like him.

I will do everything I can with the Suffolk County Court System to get back what you owe me. Luckily I have all of my emails, all of the many IMs where you asked for money, all of those stupid Western Union papers to document when I sent you money. In addition to this, I've asked you for my personal property back, my laptop, my camera, my dishes, my sweaters and my DVDs. You've ignored that request too.

Wake the hell up already. You live like you are 13 year old. You barely have a refrigerator in your new place and no stove. What man at 37 years old lives like that? You've never had a gas or electric bill in your name. I did hear that it wasn't you who negotiated when you got your car, it was 7 year GF. What a pussy you are. She told me how you loved to tell everyone what a great negotiator she was. But you put a different spin on it didn't you? You need so much attention from so many people. And, why did you have to get the same car I had? Really Jay? Same car, different color. And you spent so much time asking other people what they thought you should get when you knew all along.

Just like you did when I sent you all of the Ikea information. You still went out to Ikea and spent 4 hours walking around making a 'decision' with 7 year GF, when you had already made up your mind a week earlier.

This is similiar to how you would go and see movies with me or Amy and then sit through the same movie with 7 year GF and act like you had never seen it. That's about as psychopathic as you can get. You also went to the New Longon Aquarium with me and Bibbs in New London, CT a year before you went with 7 year GF and her parents! You acted as if you had never been there. Amazing!

You've said that 'when you are rich' will do X X and X for your family or friends, you know, the people who supported you during your 'rough' times. The thing I realize now is this....the type of person you are today is the type of person you will be tomorrow. Money doesn't change generosity. Money doesn't change selfishness.

You used to tell me that knowing me I had given you a new way to be, you wanted to feel pride and accomplishment. What a crock of SHIT. It came at a very high cost for me, my trust. If I had to put a price tag on trust, it would be sky high. You've messed up any chance that I will have at being able to trust someone else for a very long time.

And not just me, 7 year GF is going to have a hard time over all of this. Why? Because you were nice to her. Sure you had your issues but you played the perfect BF, you did what she wanted you to do. Make sure she always had flowers, make sure you saw movies every week and went to dinner, make sure you planned things and picked up your slack. It's harder to believe that someone so nice is really a wolfe in sheep's clothing. Luckily Amy had contacted her directly. Well, I'm not sure if you count keying her car as contact but it was contact nonetheless. And with my phone call to 7 year GF recently, I have filled in any blanks that may have existed and shown her a different side to you. The side that Amy told her about. When Amy told her in October 08, 7 year GF didn't believe her, she thought she was a psycho. I'm sure you are the one who told her all about Amy being a psycho.

So, I came along and really bursted the bubble for you. I sent her all of my receipts to prove you and I saw each other, all of the emails, IM's, photos. You said so many bad things about her. But, after speaking with her for hours, she really is a nice girl. Smart and geniune. She filled in the gaps for me as well. I have to tell you, February 4, 09 12:03 PM was a day for eye openers.

You called 7 year GF at 6:02 PM on the day you find out that Amy died? You called me at 7:35 PM. Your message sounded so rehearsed, staged. It wasn't even a good try at sounding like you even cared. Remember I was there for Yoshi? That was me who spoke to you when she died in your hands. I heard the grief in your voice and I'm sorry but the grief you had for Yoshi dying and the grief you had over Amy dying were very different. You had so much more emotion and sense of loss over Yoshi than you did over Amy.

You have a string of girls who either can't or won't talk to you and still you don't learn from that. Of course it is everyone else, not you. Right? Can't they see I'm grieving? No, they see but it's not grief we see, it's psychopathy at it's finest.

You were full of promises.....we'll just call them LIES. Promises (LIES) to everyone but at the end you were getting sloppy. You had to have known that those plates would one day come crashing down. In December you started to slip up and forget who you were talking to and cover it with "Oh didn't I tell you?" Or telling me it was me being forgetful. I mean you are forgetful but I would have expected more precision from you. Mr. Analyst.

You were going to move in with Amy remember? Do you even remember asking me what I thought about that? I mean, if the two of you were getting married per the Newsday article, you would think you would have gone to live with her when Cathy left. But if you lived with her, then you couldn't see your 7 year GF or anyone else. Living with Amy would have put a big crimp into your lifestyle. No, you never had any intention of this but you told me so that I would get suspicious and upset. Which I did. I'm supposed to believe you've known Amy for 3 years? If that's true, then why didn't she do your taxes, she worked at the IRS.

I know you know that she looked up your taxes and found my name as the person to contact and then she confronted you. Of course you told her I was just a 'friend.' That's how you refer to all of the girls you juggle around. Amy was smart. But she didn't buy it because I started getting those crazy emails.

You knew who had sent them but you acted as if you knew nothing or why someone would be sending me such emails. She was trying to tell me something back then. She did find my business card at your house...remember? When she copied your house key and then took some of your precious video games? Your 7 year GF told you that Amy was the one who took them in October 08. However, you started to bring up how you were livid that they were stolen as you began to unpack in your new place. You hinted around for me to buy them because you were broke. Sorry dude but you just got a 12k bonus from Rockstar and in a month it's all gone? WTFE Jay? Where did it go? Well, maybe you didn't really get 12k just like you didn't really get a 10K bonus in July 08. If you went through all of that money then you are just an idiot. But my guess is you still have most of it tucked away still.

You lied about working both days on the weekends so many times. Or you would say you had to work down on the 4th floor. For all I know, the 4th floor is some broom closet. When I came out to move from Southampton to Boston, I did a little drive by your house. There your car sat. When you thought I was at the Ferry, I was actually in Selden 'checking up' on you. You lied right to me. I assumed you just wanted another day off without me being right there. If I had any inclination you were lying so that you could shuffle around 5 other girls, I would have left you then. But you even deny when someone is staring at you with die hard proof.

You really have it down. Make them feel like they are crazy and then start messing with their head. Make them believe you are the nicest guy, the 'rare' find and make it all about their own insecurity, destabilize them and when they are almost down, kick them again so they won't get up so quickly and question you again. You do this with words because you are too much of a pussy to confront any of us.

This is why I don't worry about you driving up here and setting fire to my house. You are too lazy to get on the Ferry or drive up here just to hurt me. But you did always say you would stalk me. And that I could never escape you. That's why I had to get a restraining order. Plus you know that if you ever show up here, Will will kick your ass and not think twice about it. He is completely disgusted by you. He thought you were a nice guy. And don't you think he's pretty upset that you took money from Bibby's account? That's a pretty spineless thing to do.

Our last phone conversation on 2-4-09 was great wasn't it? I confronted you about Amy and you lied to me again but this time for the absolute last time. And true to form, you got angry and hung up on me. I notice you didn't answer my text that I sent after that hang up, nor the email with what your MySpace page should have said. Liar. Cheat. Thief. I can't think of one nice thing to say about you. Your name incites lots of emotions and none of them are good.

And now you suffer in your own way only because you, (Jay) didn't get what he wanted. But in reality, Jay you never knew what you wanted because you only lived for today, not tomorrow. Only for right now. What does Jay need? Sleep? Food? Sex? A friend? Whatever Jay needs at the time he needs it is what you want. Like a child.

Even my 2 year old can delay her own gratification for the things she demands. You even needed attention from a 2 year old. Those pics of you and her at the Aquarium, how sweet I thought they were. And the pic of all of us that I gave to you, well, I'm sure that went right into the trash on the Ferry ride home. All of your talk on how you missed us and how you couldn't wait to see her again and how you wished she was yours. Now it all makes sense. You only wanted her because she is so cute and people paid attention when she was around.

You don't care about anything but Jay. You have to make sure you tell everyone how great you are because you know deep down that you are not right in the head, you know you have issues that go beyond depression. You've known for awhile that something is wrong but to blame yourself is like putting a gun to your head. That's the issue with narcissists, they love themselves too much to kill themselves.

You told me on so many occassions, "You know me better than I know myself." I had no idea what it meant until now. You were blank, hollow, empty inside. You needed my personality to fool others. When I spoke to your 7 year GF, we found it odd that it was her that I dated and me that she dated (personality wise).

You might truly be a 'late bloomer' but that is no excuse for 'sucking' in bed (and that's not a compliment). First of all, you need to initiate sex with a girl, not the other way around. Secondly there is something called foreplay. And third, you don't have to act like all girls are fragile, you are not THAT big. But it was good sometimes only because you could hold your orgasm until after me. I heard it wasn't like that for the 7 year GF. Girls like to be a little aggressive and really get into SEX. She said you only did missionary though and that you couldn't hold your own erection. That was probably because you weren't in control in that relationship.

Your psychic visit. You left out the part that this was one of Amy's relatives that told you someone would betray you. Perhaps they really meant you were going to betray someone.

I hope someday Karma will intervene and bring you physical pain, because I know you know how that feels. Serious physical pain. A body cast of physical pain. It's the only way you'll even understand how your victims feel.

You told me, relationships never work out for you. Well, there is a reason why. When I saw you for the LAST time in mid January 09, you looked at me and said, "I love you, don't forget that ever." "I owe you so much." Yeah, you do...that's the understatement of the Millenium. But what about the other girls, what do you owe to them? Amy's gone. 7 year GF is gone, I am gone. Who else left you during your grief? Anyone who has any sense.

Oh and BTW-I have forgotten that you loved me sooooo much, it was fairly easy to forget. It's hard to love someone you don't respect and I began to loose respect for you in July 08. The reason was fairly simple, you morphed into your asshole stage and you remained that way.

You used me from the very beginning. You wanted to come to MY house in Southampton because it was really nice, you could use my washer and dryer, you could be away from your other GFs and you knew you would never get caught there.

You are the 'piece of work'...........but your game is 'over' they say in your line of work, your game environment is seriously derranged. If I could name a video game for you, I would call you 'Resident Evil.' The only hope I have for you is that you get your stint in the local mental hospital. It's where you belong. You are not one of us and you will never be. You will always feel that life is unfair, you will always blame everyone else, you will never accept normal responsibilities in life, you will be envious of what other people have.

You will always feel like you have to prove yourself to those around you. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't pity you. That would imply forgiveness of some type. You talk about your religious side and one day you will have to be accountable there. Maybe then you will find your justice in hell, where you belong.

You would plead with me through your drunk texts never to throw you away. That was only for attention. That was to show me that you were vulnerable. You were probably high off of your ass and watching UFC and smiling when you sent that message. The night before I met you, you had called me up drunk off of your ass and I remember clearly the nasty things you said to me. Of course you didn't remember them and wondered why I wasn't talking to you. You show up with this stupid Walmart Stuffed Animal as some sort of peace offering, well, you will see that again (when you are not even looking).

The person that you really were.....the one I am starting to see with eyes wide open, I am slam dunking this mother fucker right into the trash, without a blink.

A'ight Bitch?