Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Personality

There is a lot of guilt on my end for allowing myself to get so enraged enough to send such a final email. Yet, dealing with someone who has Asperger's well, they don't understand what they did wrong and any sort of negativity will be met with resistence. So, I believed my only recourse was to cut ties with him quickly. He hurt me and he can't understand what he did wrong, therefore he won't apologize or realize how it has really been for me. All he has ever really cared about is how things affect him.

He has these very split personas. He can be very nice, sweet and caring. I only see that person every now and then. He is typically one step from boiling over. He can be very dismissive when he doesn't want to confront something. Which is why I never had the chance to tell him some of the things I should have. At the same time, he wouldn't have been receptive to them anyway. You saw how he reacted the last time I tried to explain my position and reason with him. The time before that was over the phone. He had mentioned to me several times that I didn't share with him certain aspects of my life. One day when he called, I did go into a few things of what had been going on in my life. At the end of the call he says, "Wow, I only called to say 'hi' I didn't realize that you were going to keep me on the phone for an hour." I hung up the phone and just sat there hurting by those words. I was hurting because he had recently told me that his ex had called him up and wanted to talk for hours, not just once but on a few occassions. So, hearing that he talked to her and then had a problem with me talking to him for an hour, well, you can see why I would be so hurt. At that point I just started to back off. In my mind and my heart. I can only take so much stress.

That's how I feel today. Hurt. Being an Aspie doesn't give you the right to treat people like shit. Aspie aside, YOU are just a JERK; JAY CAPZELLO. I brought information on his condition to him almost 2 years ago and he hasn't done anything to address it. Of course he thinks it's everyone else, everyone else has the issue but not him.

Now I just think about the times where he got upset because I had feelings. I didn't have the chance to get those feelings out. Now I just sit here and cry because either I should have known that no matter what I did for him, it would never be viewed the same way by him. My compassion, my empathy, or my tolerance. Nor would my anger, my hurt or my sadness.

He can't take the responsibility of a relationship. He still operates as if he is 13 years old in many facets of his life. He has no idea how to handle someone who has negative feelings towards him because of things he's said and done. His joking is not appropriate at times but he doesn't see how someone else would feel, lack of empathy. He has a hard time stepping out of his shoes and into the other persons for a different view point. This is why he rarely apologizes.

In this type of relationship, one person will do all the work. I feel like I've been completely used. His anger is such a big issue. I do wonder if he can feel anything at all. He said he loved me but I don't believe he understands love, give and take, compassion, concern. It's sad to me. He didn't ask to be this way, it was just the luck of the draw. I thought it would be helping him by sharing his condition with him, however, daily life is a struggle for him. He doesn't like curve balls.

In all honesty, I do feel better that things are done between us. It's a very hard thing to be in a relationship/friendship with an Aspie. I do care about him as a person but I can't be involved with him because it is too painful for me. If he only knew how many times the things he said or did had hurt me, I think he would be shocked. I didn't bring them up most of them. I knew he wasn't in any mental shape to handle them. I'm sure that's why over time, I just let them build and build.

Right now I feel like there has been a death in my family. I'm in shock, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm tired. I feel betrayed, the trust is all gone. I feel like a big idiot. A big sucker. I fell for it hook line and sinker.

Looking back I can see the comments like, "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you." The "punishment" for asking him questions was always "not talking to you right now" or "I am hanging up" or "why are you constantly up my ass" or "I'm busy and working" or "can't you see I just woke up?" or "I didn't do anything wrong" or "you are the one with the problem" or "I wished I had never met you." These were simple questions, questions that in a relationship that were valid.

He acted like my asking him about certain parts of his life were not acceptable. Like the camping trip, how dare I ask him why I haven't heard from him in 2 days, or even asking him why he didn't call me back. Even as recent as New Years Eve, we had planned to spend the night together but our communication was crossways and he had a party to go to and I told him I felt that it was good he was making friends. I was hurt because I had planned on seeing him but at the same time, I have always said to him it was good to have friends. However, suddenly it seems, he has more friends than I've ever heard about.

I was just surprised he picked them over me and admittedly hurt considering that in December he barely spoke to me. And it also looked like his life was moving further and further away from me, so I backed off. Then I put all of my hopes on this New Years Eve get together and they shattered as well. He sensed my change of tone and all of a sudden he said he had to go, that he felt that nothing he did was ever good enough for me. We didn't talk again for 2 days.

So, back to my life.....All of these statements were usually followed by at least 24 hours of no contact on his part and in many cases 48 hours. I would sit and wait for any indication that it was ok to approach the sleeping lion. And as much as I was hurt or angry I could never express it because he had to be approached with calmness, gentleness, acceptance or else he would just retreat back in his shell. So, everytime we had a disagreement, I had to keep my true feelings hidden. And that wasn't fair to me or to him in the long run.

So, now I see that I wasn't allowed to be disappointed because he couldn't take on the responsibility of disappointing me because his emotional maturity was like a teenager. So, any disappointment or negative feeling toward him or his actions were met with a shutdown or meltdown.

And even now, after all the anger and hurt, I do care about him and try to not pick up the phone to apologize.......but the urge was too strong this time. I knew he wouldn't answer his phone and I at least had the chance to leave a message with my regret and remorse over things on my end getting so out of hand. I feel so much guilt because in reality, he has a handicap, and I feel like I've taken a 13 year old's emotions and just sent them to hell. And for that I feel bad.

At the very minimum, I wanted to say that to him. If I never hear from him again, then I at least put it out there. At the same time, I never said I was a Saint. I have emotions and feelings and while what he did wasn't right, I should have been able to control my anger more rationally. For that, I feel like a failure.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ok, 5 months over due but IT"S OVER

So much has happened in just 5 months. I've finally taken that final step with my BF, I've ended the relationship. Why? There are several reasons as you know if you've read any of my blog so far. I actually have some drafts that I haven't posted but will post now as I am in the mood to purge.

I guess yesterday was the LAST straw. I've been 'breaking' for months. With every fight and lack of closure or communication, I become jaded and have a hard time believing someone who says they care about you can turn on a dime. The only word that comes to mind right now is TOXIC, he is TOXIC for me.

Just since I posted in August there have been at least 5 instances where I should have just ended it. That's even counting December where he rarely spoke to me for more than 10 minutes at a time. However those conversations were mostly about him, his ex gf and his new girl 'friend' who works at the IRS. I had pretty much given up in December as he just didn't seem interested in what was going on in my life because he was so busy with work and his move and his new friend and his ex gf talking to him on the phone for hours.

Everything is always about him. It always has been and it always will be. There is nothing anyone, including Ghandi, could do to change his mind. His Asperger's can get really bad at times.

Yesterday he made a comment, like he usually does in a 'joking' manner but it was one of those comments that hurt me. When I told him I was hurt, he basically said it was a joke and that I needed to relax. However, his comments about other women sting at times. It makes me think he doesn't understand what to do or say in a relationship. I was pretty straightforward with him telling him I wasn't in the mood to continue to talk about it. His behavior was a little defensive but I could tell he was getting upset. So, I told him I wasn't going to talk anymore and that there was nothing left to say, then I logged out of IM.

I sat at my desk crying for the better part of an hour. I was hurt. Hurt for so many reasons. I logged back on at lunch and saw he had sent me a few offline messages. It sounded like he was trying to justify his behavior by saying it was a joke. But regardless of it being a joke, it was not called for and very disrepectful. But he said he would give me my time and not bother me.

After being upset most of the day, I composed an email to let him know where I was coming from. It wasn't bitchy, it wasn't mean, it was just me saying how I felt. I didn't call him names or have any disrespect directed at him whatsoever. This was his response.

Now I am quoting him directly,
"Whatever, I really don’t give a fuck anymore because you had to be a baby, and not talk with me on the phone, so I didn even read half this e-mail."

WTF? I'm sorry but you say something offensive, I'm hurt by that, I send an email telling you why I was hurt and this is your response? OMFG!!!

Talk with him on the phone? At NO point yesterday did he call me or ask me to call him. When he told me he would give me my time, I didn't think there was a need to call him. I wasn't ready to talk to him.

So, about 8 PM last night I called him after reading that shitty response. He didn't pick up. So, I logged on to IM, I told him I did not like his response at all. I said I called him but he didn't pick up. He said that he wasn't in the mood to talk to me and that he was busy with work and for me to leave him alone. He told me that he wasn't going to talk to me until I apologized to him! WTF????? Apologize to him? OMG!

I told him I didn't owe him any apology but if he had read my email, there was one at the know, the one he stated he didn't read 1/2 of? So, if you are not picking up the phone and you shut me down on IM, how am I supposed to apologize? I mean, let's just use his own words....his response, you are a smart girl, figure it out. My head was spinning. Like I have said on many occassions, there is no winning with him, he is right and EVERYONE else is wrong. EVERYONE.

By now I am just furious over this asshole's behavior. He's acted like this on so many occassions. And then something clicked in me and I said FUCK YOU. Of course he starts to tell me that I'm a piece of work and to leave him alone and that I had my time, now he was taking his. Taking your time? Why? Why would you possibly need time? I did nothing to him! Of course that's not how he sees it. It never is. So, you have time to talk to your ex for hours about her problems but you can't take a few minutes out to address our issues? What is wrong with this picture?

NEWSFLASH-I tell you politely I am not going to talk to you right now and that I am hurt. You respond with your I'm sorry that you took my joke the wrong way, which is different than being sorry for your actions....and I'll leave you be, you know where to find me if you want to talk to me. So, when I decide to 'talk' to him at 4PM via email, he responds with the BABY comment. And at 8PM he is taking his time. So, this was my response to him via email at 8:30 PM.

Well guess what? Here’s how it I see it. We’re done. I’ve put up with your very strange behavior for too long. Grow the fuck up!

How dare you talk to me like that! YOUR TIME? WTF is that? Take your time, take your entire life. You never offered to talk to me on the phone today. And then to tell me that I’m a smart girl and to figure it out on how I am going to apologize to you? I can only deal with so much bullshit.

AND from PAST experiences with you, you tell me do not call cause I won’t pick up the phone…AND even better, how is this any different from you telling me YOU have to GO when we are on the phone fighting? IT’s not, except you only see what you want to see, how it effects you.

Let’s just see… get mad at me before I even met you because you thought I dated a black guy. YOU didn’t speak to me for 2 days. How was that fair? IT WASN’T. But I let it go because I wanted you in my life. You get your feelings hurt all of the time. You tell me that I’ve hurt your feelings so many times, then you take your time, which is typically a day or so. Then you are ready to talk to me. BUT when I do it, then it’s a complete other story. You used to call me up and then get mad at me cause you were in a bad mood. When I tried to tell you about it, you shut me down, telling me I was the one with the problem.

So, if you can’t see your part in this, then you have serious issues with communication. You haven’t really given a fuck for months, if I am being honest. I thought maybe, just maybe you were going to be mature about this since I did spend my time trying to explain but you shut it down, which is how you always act.

I’m pissed now because I’ve invested a lot of time and money into this 'relationship' and this is how you are going to treat me? NO, you’re not because I am NOT going to allow you to do this to me anymore. So, I have your taxes I will send them back to you. I have kept track of all of the money you owe me. I’ll send you a breakdown.

Since you didn’t give me the $150.00 bucks in ‘stuff’ then I would expect you to put that back my Netspend account ASAP. I’ve never been so absolutely sorry to have known you until now. I thought you were a good person but you suck at relationships.

Do not call me, IM me or email me. I am deleting you from my life.

This is just indicative of how he can be. When he's happy and no one is demanding accountability from him, he's great. However, when you start putting parameters on this or that, he freaks out. He has constantly said in every fight that it's me. I mean, how long can someone hear that before they just bail? Rarely does he apologize. Rarely! Yet he sees himself as the giver, the one who makes things right. But that's just not how it is, at least not with me.

I usually apologize first, just to get him to not be so upset with me. I would have like to have broken up in a much more civilized manner but I didn't feel like there was a choice. I've been nice, extremely nice to him, I've given him money when he needed it and not once has he paid me back. In addition to that, I did his taxes as they were all jammed up in a big mess, I've bought him a shitload of gifts since I met him, I've paid for dates, I've cooked him dinners, gave him nice backrubs, taken care of him when he's been sick, given him advice on everything, I go and pick him up when he wants to see me. Then I look to see what he's done for me. And it truly is sad because it's not very much. I haven't asked for anything from him. You would think he would have made it a point to get me a small gift or card even for Christmas but he didn't. He said that he wanted to take me to a store and let me pick something out because he didn't know what I he recently said this maybe a week ago, not before Christmas like you would expect. You've been with me for 3 years and you don't know what I like? That's a problem. The problem is he doesn't have the capacity for anyone but himself.

Just as recently as last December I gave him 150.00 bucks cause he was broke. Sorry but when you make 75k a year and you are single and you have to borrow money from your gf consistently, you have issues with money. And he got a 12k bonus in December. AS of yesterday he mentioned he was broke. I was on unemployment for months after loosing my job and I have 3 kids and he borrows money from me? And I was paying for his storage unit while I was on unemployment and he rec'd a 10k bonus and didn't offer to pick up a few payments??? WTF? I did a grand total just on my CC of how much I have given him and then added it to what I had written down. It's close to 6k.

I feel like I've been this punching bag from time to time, I feel bruised and shattered inside. It's not a nice place to be. His issues I can no longer take and I don't think anyone would blame me. He refuses to believe he has Asperger's, he won't get help for his moods, his anger, etc. So, you know what? Let him find someone else who can. Someone else who can put up with all of the shit he gives out.

Just last week when I had seen him for the first time in 6 months, he told me that I had changed his life and how I was the only who helped him grow up and that he was thankful for that. Thankful? And this is how you show me you are thankful? By calling me a baby? By insinuating I am the one with an issue? By having no tolerance for me but expecting me to have tolerance when it comes to him? And on many occassions he thanks me for always being there for him. So, inside he knows that I have been a good person throughout this mess. Why he doesn't treat me better, I don't know. My guess is he feels like he's good as gold to me. Newsflash-the behavior yesterday was not good and if it were just one time, I'd be able to say, forgive and forget, however now, two years later and several of these instances behind me, moving on is best for me.

He has consistently told me that he would never turn his back on me if I needed something. Well, I needed you to step up to the plate yesterday and apologize and you didn't, which to me is just like turning your back on me.