Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Personality

There is a lot of guilt on my end for allowing myself to get so enraged enough to send such a final email. Yet, dealing with someone who has Asperger's well, they don't understand what they did wrong and any sort of negativity will be met with resistence. So, I believed my only recourse was to cut ties with him quickly. He hurt me and he can't understand what he did wrong, therefore he won't apologize or realize how it has really been for me. All he has ever really cared about is how things affect him.

He has these very split personas. He can be very nice, sweet and caring. I only see that person every now and then. He is typically one step from boiling over. He can be very dismissive when he doesn't want to confront something. Which is why I never had the chance to tell him some of the things I should have. At the same time, he wouldn't have been receptive to them anyway. You saw how he reacted the last time I tried to explain my position and reason with him. The time before that was over the phone. He had mentioned to me several times that I didn't share with him certain aspects of my life. One day when he called, I did go into a few things of what had been going on in my life. At the end of the call he says, "Wow, I only called to say 'hi' I didn't realize that you were going to keep me on the phone for an hour." I hung up the phone and just sat there hurting by those words. I was hurting because he had recently told me that his ex had called him up and wanted to talk for hours, not just once but on a few occassions. So, hearing that he talked to her and then had a problem with me talking to him for an hour, well, you can see why I would be so hurt. At that point I just started to back off. In my mind and my heart. I can only take so much stress.

That's how I feel today. Hurt. Being an Aspie doesn't give you the right to treat people like shit. Aspie aside, YOU are just a JERK; JAY CAPZELLO. I brought information on his condition to him almost 2 years ago and he hasn't done anything to address it. Of course he thinks it's everyone else, everyone else has the issue but not him.

Now I just think about the times where he got upset because I had feelings. I didn't have the chance to get those feelings out. Now I just sit here and cry because either I should have known that no matter what I did for him, it would never be viewed the same way by him. My compassion, my empathy, or my tolerance. Nor would my anger, my hurt or my sadness.

He can't take the responsibility of a relationship. He still operates as if he is 13 years old in many facets of his life. He has no idea how to handle someone who has negative feelings towards him because of things he's said and done. His joking is not appropriate at times but he doesn't see how someone else would feel, lack of empathy. He has a hard time stepping out of his shoes and into the other persons for a different view point. This is why he rarely apologizes.

In this type of relationship, one person will do all the work. I feel like I've been completely used. His anger is such a big issue. I do wonder if he can feel anything at all. He said he loved me but I don't believe he understands love, give and take, compassion, concern. It's sad to me. He didn't ask to be this way, it was just the luck of the draw. I thought it would be helping him by sharing his condition with him, however, daily life is a struggle for him. He doesn't like curve balls.

In all honesty, I do feel better that things are done between us. It's a very hard thing to be in a relationship/friendship with an Aspie. I do care about him as a person but I can't be involved with him because it is too painful for me. If he only knew how many times the things he said or did had hurt me, I think he would be shocked. I didn't bring them up most of them. I knew he wasn't in any mental shape to handle them. I'm sure that's why over time, I just let them build and build.

Right now I feel like there has been a death in my family. I'm in shock, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm tired. I feel betrayed, the trust is all gone. I feel like a big idiot. A big sucker. I fell for it hook line and sinker.

Looking back I can see the comments like, "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you." The "punishment" for asking him questions was always "not talking to you right now" or "I am hanging up" or "why are you constantly up my ass" or "I'm busy and working" or "can't you see I just woke up?" or "I didn't do anything wrong" or "you are the one with the problem" or "I wished I had never met you." These were simple questions, questions that in a relationship that were valid.

He acted like my asking him about certain parts of his life were not acceptable. Like the camping trip, how dare I ask him why I haven't heard from him in 2 days, or even asking him why he didn't call me back. Even as recent as New Years Eve, we had planned to spend the night together but our communication was crossways and he had a party to go to and I told him I felt that it was good he was making friends. I was hurt because I had planned on seeing him but at the same time, I have always said to him it was good to have friends. However, suddenly it seems, he has more friends than I've ever heard about.

I was just surprised he picked them over me and admittedly hurt considering that in December he barely spoke to me. And it also looked like his life was moving further and further away from me, so I backed off. Then I put all of my hopes on this New Years Eve get together and they shattered as well. He sensed my change of tone and all of a sudden he said he had to go, that he felt that nothing he did was ever good enough for me. We didn't talk again for 2 days.

So, back to my life.....All of these statements were usually followed by at least 24 hours of no contact on his part and in many cases 48 hours. I would sit and wait for any indication that it was ok to approach the sleeping lion. And as much as I was hurt or angry I could never express it because he had to be approached with calmness, gentleness, acceptance or else he would just retreat back in his shell. So, everytime we had a disagreement, I had to keep my true feelings hidden. And that wasn't fair to me or to him in the long run.

So, now I see that I wasn't allowed to be disappointed because he couldn't take on the responsibility of disappointing me because his emotional maturity was like a teenager. So, any disappointment or negative feeling toward him or his actions were met with a shutdown or meltdown.

And even now, after all the anger and hurt, I do care about him and try to not pick up the phone to apologize.......but the urge was too strong this time. I knew he wouldn't answer his phone and I at least had the chance to leave a message with my regret and remorse over things on my end getting so out of hand. I feel so much guilt because in reality, he has a handicap, and I feel like I've taken a 13 year old's emotions and just sent them to hell. And for that I feel bad.

At the very minimum, I wanted to say that to him. If I never hear from him again, then I at least put it out there. At the same time, I never said I was a Saint. I have emotions and feelings and while what he did wasn't right, I should have been able to control my anger more rationally. For that, I feel like a failure.

3 comments:

  1. I can't believe this post was in 2009, and there have been no comments. I would love to share my Dr J, Mr H experience with you. I'll check back here later for a response to make sure you're still on this site.

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  2. Lots of things seem similar for me as well. Recently discovered my husband has Asperger's. I just read in many cases after an anger episode they won't even remember some of the cruel things they said. This is immensely relieving to me as...over and over I have witnessed a shift in character and felt so hurt and betrayed by things said, and my husband would reply that he had no memory of it or it never happened. I started writing down my feelings and memories right after they happened otherwise he would have be believe I imagined it all...crazy.

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  3. This post sums up my psychopathic father very well. You could replace Jay's name with his and it would be the exact same person minus the women. I have no clue at all if my father ever cheated on my mother while he was gone, but I didn't trust him at all. Normally he accused my mother of cheating on him, and as I learned growing up, he accused us of stuff all the time that we would find out he actually did. But even if he didn't cheat on my mom, he had a very very strange porn addiction, and made it quite clear growing up that he viewed women as objects and they weren't worth nothing but for sex. I've always suspected him of cheating on my mom, but the porn thing freaked me out growing up. I have never met anyone else in my life that will sit there and defend pornography and tell you that it is a "good thing" for society.

    I have to wonder if Jay did drugs. My psychopath was always on something, and every time he tried something new, he would go on a tirade claiming that we were on drugs and messing with him. He always smoked pot, I knew this, but I had no idea about the crack, or worst of all the METH he smoked later on. When he was on Meth, it was too obvious when he had so much energy to stay up for days at a time and go on multiple tirade rampages.

    Worst of all though, the most scary part is how you can't do anything about it. When you try to have these crazy people locked up, they are so manipulating, they make it out like you are the bad guy, and then you take the blame for their actions.

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