Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Sixth Sense

Everyone has seen The Sixth Sense. That's how I feel now. I'm at the end of the movie and the real story line was just revealed and Bruce Willis is DEAD! What? Now we have to go back and fill in the blanks of what we heard and saw and then the REAL reality of it all. We were fooled by this movie. I was fooled by this person. I went back to the early notes, IMs from the beginning, wondering if there was something I should have seen. And yes, the flags were Bright RED and waving to get my attention but I missed them. ALL of them. He acted like such a 'nice guy' a 'rare find' in his own words.

It's been almost month where I got pissed at Jay ended our relationship. It's been just 3 weeks since I confronted him about Amy (at the time I had no idea he was still seeing S.E. his GF of 7 years). As usual he tried to spin it back on me and start telling me about his grief. But if that's true, why did he have plans on going to the Slip Knot concert with S.E. on 2-5-09? Because they are just friends? No, because he was trying to get her back into his life and it was working. She (S.E.) found out they were getting married on Friday 2-6-09, even if I hadn't of called her two days prior, she would have read the article. Who knows if she would have allowed him to give her some BS excuse but my gut feeling is that she is too strong for that. Even if I hadn't broke it off with him, I too would have been reading the same news and thinking to myself, WTF?

I wonder if the people who knew him at work or his own family knew that he was engaged to Amy. I tend to doubt it because I think he is the one who told Amy's family this line so that they could have peace. Jay would tell me, there is a reason for my madness. Now I know what it was. To make yourself look like a good guy when in reality you are just a snake. From what S.E. said, he made it seem like Amy was some stalker who threatened to kill herself if he didn't pay attention to her. She even thought that Amy was psycho until she spoke to me. Then she realized that Amy was telling the truth more because my stories about how Jay would act were eerily similiar to Amy's.

A part of me knew I would never hear from him again. There was a part of me that was waiting for an explanation, an apology, something....but nothing. To get NOTHING. That was a slap in the face. Even if it were in email form, I would have read it, digested it and tried to make some sense of it. I would have tried my best to hear what the real Jay was saying. It would not have changed anything but I guess his admittance or accepting of the responsibility of wrong doing would have given me a sense that I could obtain closure.

I have to stick to my original conclusion, he is a psychopath. Someone who said they loved me so much, cared about me so much, who maybe just got caught up in something with another girl, well, they would have tried to apologize in some way. And it makes it very black and white. He didn't care at all. When he was eating Thanksgiving Dinner with S.E.'s family and opening Christmas gifts with her, he was telling me that he was all alone and he 'might' go to his friend's house. When he called me late at night to tell me that he was so in love with me, he was just bored and had no one else to talk to. When we went to see a movie, I had no idea he had seen the SAME movie two days prior with S.E. When he would come out to my house in Southampton, I had no idea he had just finished with having dinner with her. He never ate much and I always thought that was strange but it was because he had just finished eating with someone else.

And so, I have 3 years worth of 'these' fill in the blank memories. It will be awhile before I heal.
I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone else again. Ever. I had trust issues coming into this relationship but he worked so hard on telling me what a great guy he was and how I needed to trust him. For this? WHAT a FUCKING PRICK. ASSHOLE. COWARD. LIAR. PUSSY. BASTARD. CHEATING SON of A BITCH.

How can you be with someone for 3 years and then just not offer an apology or at the very minimum an explanation. He lied to me for 3 years about who he was, what he was, what his intentions were, what his motivation was.

Back in July 08 I really started to pull back due to the money issues and the consistent way he would talk to me, treat me, and then blame me for upsetting him. I guess in my mind I thought it would just work itself out. I thought we would part eventually and be friends. He told me he just stops calling a girl or seeing her as much when he wants to break up. I was waiting for that and I really thought that's what December was all about, distance. We had tried to make plans and he sounded genuine when we couldn't do it due to the weather or schedules or being sick.

Just to know that above the financial and time investment, I cared about him. I have always cared about him, very deeply, even if it wasn't love by definition. To realize that he didn't care about me at ALL, that was the biggest shock. Well, he cared when it was beneficial to him, when I was giving him sex or money or paying for our dates or giving him advice. When I became a regular person not doing any of these things, then he would toss me aside like a used Kleenex. He sounded so convincing.

I know this about Jay, he doesn't just part and remain friends, he can't do that. It's a big dramatic exit but he will take you back if you are the one that initiates the conversation. He would tell me it shows you are making an effort. Well, asshole, I made lots of attempts, more than I should have. But you, how many 'attempts' did you really make? I am thinking of two.

One after he threw me down on my back deck and then another time when I called to tell him about a 'contact' I had made for his voice acting, but as usualy Jay did not want to be bothered and just 'went off' on me. When he called back 30 minutes later, he made it a point to let me know he was truly sorry and that he was not just using me to pay for his storage. I asked him why he had said that as it hadn't come up. I thought what an odd thing to say but then Jay was always saying odd things. He probably thought, Ok, no one else is on the hook, I have to call back and act like I am sorry or else she will bail on me and I won't have anyone to pay for my storage.
Knowing now that's how he thought of me, well, I'm sick to my stomach. The very sad thing is this is different than a break up. And Jay will spin it to whoever will listen that I am some psycho GF he dated who can't get over him, who is stalking him. Remember he likes to play the 'victim'. Society will also think 'deal with it, you were dumped.' My friends don't even know what to say. I think it would be hard to know what to say. It's not like someone died, but the person I knew died, the part of Jay that I did know, the part of him he allowed me to see....that person died. I did grieve, for him, for me, for not trusting my gut more and for being such an idiot.

Revenge....oh how I want it, but not for reasons one would think. The next girl or girls to come along will go through this same pattern. He will be such a nice guy, they will get close and the girl will want more, they will fight, he will make her feel like it was all her. He will take her back because that is how he works. She will feel miserable inside. She will feel crazy herself because the relationship won't make sense, how can he be so nice and then so hateful?

I am convinced this is where Amy was when she died. I believe she was in turmoil. I think Jay was promising her more and more and telling her what she wanted to hear and she was becoming very possessive and had to do things to get his attention. Like taking too many Ambien, call him up and not say anything, to see if she could get a reaction out of him, just something so that she knew he still cared.

But he was working hard on getting S.E. back. He kept telling me that as soon as crunch was over, he would be spending more time with me. For all I know, crunch ended after GTA 4 came out. I think he couldn't handle how clingy and jealous she was. If she got too close, she would find out the truth. Jay doesn't like people getting too close.

I don't know if he was there before the fire broke out or not. He made some pretty incriminating remarks on the phone to me on 2-2-09. Could Amy have set the fire herself? Who knows, I guess it's possible. She was a smoker. Was she not paying attention? Was she trying to get his attention? Whether he knew anything or not, he treated her like shit and for that he does have some responsibility in her death. How is that fair?

Everything I've read about her made it sound like she was a happy and sweet girl. I believe this was correct. However, when she met Jay, I think she started to change. She started to change because she was falling in love with him. I can tell you from my own experience, there were times when we were together that I thought the same thing. He makes you feel like you are the only person in the universe. That feeling feels so good, who doesn't want more of it?

As one falls in love with Jay, you stop listening to your own instincts and listen to what he needs or wants because he is so good at telling you. AMY keyed S.E. car. Why would someone do that? Jealousy right? I think Jay needed so much attention that he told Amy that S.E. was the stalker and unstable and he was 'trying' to break it off with her. He sees Amy's actions as her proof of how she feels for illegal act, to show him he was hers. In his sick mind, he enjoyed this. He didn't care about S.E.'s car or Amy's criminal activity, either way he had two women vying for his attention.

So, why string me along? Because I was his financial and advice resource. Bottom line, I was just someone to use.

MySpace Tracker

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Thinking Errors

When I read this, I thought, wow, I wished I had seen this two years ago. The signs were always right there. I was the perfect bait. I lived far enough away that he didn't have to worry about me 'checking' up on him even though I am not like that. Not to say I didn't have my doubts because there were times I thought, I wonder if I drove out and sat in front of his house, what would I see? I would have seen the truth.

This article on Thinking Errors is too close to home. For each category listed, I will give an exact true to life example of how Jay fit into the psychopathic model.

Excuse Making

  • Babe, you know my schedule at work keeps me from having
    much down time, you know I would see you if I could.
  • Babe, I bring my clothes over here because if I didn't, I would have to spend this time at the laundry mat rather than being with you.
  • I know we just had a fight but I called you back to let you know I am sorry and that I am NOT just using you to pay for my storage.
  • Can you shoot me some bucks? I forgot my wallet.


  • You are a piece of work.
  • You are the one with the problem, everything was fine until you brought this up.
  • You are too sensitive, you need to relax, why can't you take a joke?
  • I can't believe you are talking to me like this.


  • Well, if everyone would just leave me alone, then I could finish this, I hate to be bothered.
  • The only reason I was driving with a suspended license is because I can never get time off from work to take care of it. I'm late because the traffic was horrible and the other drivers, well, they shouldn't be allowed to drive on the same highway with me. If it weren't for them, I would have been on time.
  • You took your time, now I am taking mine, so don't bother me.


Question from me to Jay: Why were you late in picking me up? Answer: Well, Ms. late to the ferry because I'm stuck in traffic.....

Question from me to Jay: So, you let those bartenders buy you drink after drink but you get mad at me if it happens when I go out? Answer: You know I am on limited funds.....relax, you get so jealous. I never get jealous or feel insecure with us, you shouldn't either.

  • Everyone loves my Aura, even babies, they can sense it.
  • Why are all of the girls looking at me?
  • I am going to be wealthy by my voice acting. I know, I can just feel it.
commission - making things up that are simply not true

  • I lived in Japan for 3 years. (not even remotely true)
  • I have a graduate degree. (i barely made it through high school)
  • My friend Gonzolo helped me move. (my gf Amy helped me move)
  • I went to the movies with my brother. (i went to the movies with my other gf)
omission - saying partly what is so, but leaving out major sections

  • I prefer animals to humans....(because they can't talk, bitch, demand).
  • Don't be silly, you are the only girl in my life....(but since I don't see you very often, I have to date other girls to get what I should be getting from you).
  • I got home at 7:30 PM and just went to bed early (but I didn't tell you that my other GF came over and spent the night).
assent - making believe that one agrees with someone else, or pretending, or approving of others ideas

  • You are right babe, I'm in complete agreeance with you.
  • You are the most intelligent woman I know.
  • I was never into politics until I met you.
  • You've shown me a different way to be.
  • I respect what you think and say.

Making Fools Of- Antisocials delight in making fools of professional people, such as therapists, lawyers, judges, etc

  • All of the guys in suits stare at me on the subway, I bet they are jealous of how I get to dress for my job. They are all losers.
  • I hate lawyers.
  • I don't need therapy, they might lock me up if I even got close.


  • You are not very excited to see me.
  • I can't believe that guy Flarherty, I said hi to him this AM and he didn't say anything to me, fuck that guy.


  • You don't love me anymore.
  • You are too busy for me.
  • When you say you are going out with 'friends' it makes me feel like other guys will be there.
  • Why don't you tell me you love me? It must mean you are losing interest in me.

"I'm Unique"

  • I'm a rare find.
  • I'm not like most guys.
  • Face it, you would miss me if I was gone from your life.


  • I appreciate you so much.
  • I truly thank you for coming into my life.
  • You are the best babe.
  • Thank you for all of your generosity.
  • No one has ever done these things for me before.
  • One day I'll tell God what a great person you are.

Fragmented Personality

  • I'll see Amy on Monday, Shaneqkua on Tuesday, Wed I will go to church, Thursday I'll see Amy again. Friday I will be with my real gf. Saturday and Sunday I will go to Boston to see my other gf.


  • I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I'm only human.
  • I don't know why you are so pissed off, I was only joking.


  • I'll have to wait to see what my schedule looks like after crunch is over.
  • We'll have to do that someday.
  • I might go the party after work, I'm not sure.


  • You know how to push my buttons.
  • I can't believe you called me an Asshole in my own home.
  • You know I am like this, I told you that when we met, I don't know what you would be shocked.

Power Plays (Jay was the MASTER at these!)

  • I'm hanging up now.
  • I'm gonna go now.
  • I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bitch at me.
  • I need to think.
  • I'm going home.
  • I'm busy go away.
  • Stop IM'ing me, calling me, emailing me-I'll let you know when I am done being pissed off at you, until then, you can just suffer.
  • I'll give you your money when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?

Victim Playing (He does this extremely well)

  • I don't know how to do that, no one ever showed me.
  • I was a late bloomer.
  • My mom died and I have no one to give me advice. I'm all alone. I miss her (cries for an hour) She died in 1998.
  • I can't clean my apartment, I'm too busy with work.
  • My girlfriend won't have sex with me anymore she's just not into it.
  • No one understands me but you.
  • I don't have any food in my place until next payday.

Drama-Excitement (He always had drama)

  • Can you believe the night I had last night?
  • I can't believe the things I have to put up with just to be with you.
  • You Asian women are all the same.
  • Well, maybe I'll just find someone to replace you with, a new model.
  • I'm sure there are lots of other girls out there who would do what I want.

Closed Channel (It is permanently stuck on Jay TV)

  • I'm smarter than everyone I work with.
  • I'm a good person.
  • I'm the best boyfriend, I treat you like gold.


  • You belong to me.
  • You will never escape me.
  • I will stalk you.
  • You will need to sign a contract to be with me.


  • I'm the best looking guy on this floor.
  • I almost had to kick someone's ass on the train today.
  • Don't worry flower, no one will ever harm you, I will protect you.


  • I'm the best.
  • No one can beat me on these games.
  • No one can write as many bugs as I can.
  • I'm going to be famous.


  • I don't want to think about that right now.
  • I don't have time to discuss that right now.
  • Oh you need me to call you now? Well, I'm really busy and I don't have much time so the call can only be a few seconds.
  • I don't want to clean my place tonight, I just want to relax.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

If I could write a letter to Jay it would say THIS.......Dear Jay, You are a fucking Psychopath!

I have so many things to say to you, so buckle up. I have refrained from using 7 year GF's name out of respect for her. You had my trust, my support, my friendship, my love, my insight, my heart. Those things together allowed me to give to you when I didn't have much to give as it was. You wanted my sympathy, my empathy and my financial support. I was always ready and happy to help. I only got upset when you took advantage of me or seemed uninterested in doing what I needed you to do, ie, pay me back, take me out for a nice dinner, pay for a hotel once in awhile, pay for some of the gas, not get mad at me and shut the conversation down when I asked for anything.... Gee, what a concept, being a real guy rather than some leech >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (picture to the right, LEECH) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

who has to take money and trust from a single mom. You took that money from me and my daughter. Always with the promise of paying it back. We are not talking about a few hundred bucks. We are talking about 6k. To me, that is a lot of money. When someone like your brother (Matt) failed to pay you back....You would turn around and bitch about what a loser he was for not paying you back $600. WTF? This is indicative of how you are. You selfish fuck. I wonder if you told Amy you gave $1000 and several gift cards to 7 year GF for Xmas 08??? Probably not. Did you mention to anyone that your own father disowned you over $160.00??? Pretty extreme but then again you are just like him.

I will do everything I can with the Suffolk County Court System to get back what you owe me. Luckily I have all of my emails, all of the many IMs where you asked for money, all of those stupid Western Union papers to document when I sent you money. In addition to this, I've asked you for my personal property back, my laptop, my camera, my dishes, my sweaters and my DVDs. You've ignored that request too.

Wake the hell up already. You live like you are 13 year old. You barely have a refrigerator in your new place and no stove. What man at 37 years old lives like that? You've never had a gas or electric bill in your name. I did hear that it wasn't you who negotiated when you got your car, it was 7 year GF. What a pussy you are. She told me how you loved to tell everyone what a great negotiator she was. But you put a different spin on it didn't you? You need so much attention from so many people. And, why did you have to get the same car I had? Really Jay? Same car, different color. And you spent so much time asking other people what they thought you should get when you knew all along.

Just like you did when I sent you all of the Ikea information. You still went out to Ikea and spent 4 hours walking around making a 'decision' with 7 year GF, when you had already made up your mind a week earlier.

This is similiar to how you would go and see movies with me or Amy and then sit through the same movie with 7 year GF and act like you had never seen it. That's about as psychopathic as you can get. You also went to the New Longon Aquarium with me and Bibbs in New London, CT a year before you went with 7 year GF and her parents! You acted as if you had never been there. Amazing!

You've said that 'when you are rich' will do X X and X for your family or friends, you know, the people who supported you during your 'rough' times. The thing I realize now is this....the type of person you are today is the type of person you will be tomorrow. Money doesn't change generosity. Money doesn't change selfishness.

You used to tell me that knowing me I had given you a new way to be, you wanted to feel pride and accomplishment. What a crock of SHIT. It came at a very high cost for me, my trust. If I had to put a price tag on trust, it would be sky high. You've messed up any chance that I will have at being able to trust someone else for a very long time.

And not just me, 7 year GF is going to have a hard time over all of this. Why? Because you were nice to her. Sure you had your issues but you played the perfect BF, you did what she wanted you to do. Make sure she always had flowers, make sure you saw movies every week and went to dinner, make sure you planned things and picked up your slack. It's harder to believe that someone so nice is really a wolfe in sheep's clothing. Luckily Amy had contacted her directly. Well, I'm not sure if you count keying her car as contact but it was contact nonetheless. And with my phone call to 7 year GF recently, I have filled in any blanks that may have existed and shown her a different side to you. The side that Amy told her about. When Amy told her in October 08, 7 year GF didn't believe her, she thought she was a psycho. I'm sure you are the one who told her all about Amy being a psycho.

So, I came along and really bursted the bubble for you. I sent her all of my receipts to prove you and I saw each other, all of the emails, IM's, photos. You said so many bad things about her. But, after speaking with her for hours, she really is a nice girl. Smart and geniune. She filled in the gaps for me as well. I have to tell you, February 4, 09 12:03 PM was a day for eye openers.

You called 7 year GF at 6:02 PM on the day you find out that Amy died? You called me at 7:35 PM. Your message sounded so rehearsed, staged. It wasn't even a good try at sounding like you even cared. Remember I was there for Yoshi? That was me who spoke to you when she died in your hands. I heard the grief in your voice and I'm sorry but the grief you had for Yoshi dying and the grief you had over Amy dying were very different. You had so much more emotion and sense of loss over Yoshi than you did over Amy.

You have a string of girls who either can't or won't talk to you and still you don't learn from that. Of course it is everyone else, not you. Right? Can't they see I'm grieving? No, they see but it's not grief we see, it's psychopathy at it's finest.

You were full of promises.....we'll just call them LIES. Promises (LIES) to everyone but at the end you were getting sloppy. You had to have known that those plates would one day come crashing down. In December you started to slip up and forget who you were talking to and cover it with "Oh didn't I tell you?" Or telling me it was me being forgetful. I mean you are forgetful but I would have expected more precision from you. Mr. Analyst.

You were going to move in with Amy remember? Do you even remember asking me what I thought about that? I mean, if the two of you were getting married per the Newsday article, you would think you would have gone to live with her when Cathy left. But if you lived with her, then you couldn't see your 7 year GF or anyone else. Living with Amy would have put a big crimp into your lifestyle. No, you never had any intention of this but you told me so that I would get suspicious and upset. Which I did. I'm supposed to believe you've known Amy for 3 years? If that's true, then why didn't she do your taxes, she worked at the IRS.

I know you know that she looked up your taxes and found my name as the person to contact and then she confronted you. Of course you told her I was just a 'friend.' That's how you refer to all of the girls you juggle around. Amy was smart. But she didn't buy it because I started getting those crazy emails.

You knew who had sent them but you acted as if you knew nothing or why someone would be sending me such emails. She was trying to tell me something back then. She did find my business card at your house...remember? When she copied your house key and then took some of your precious video games? Your 7 year GF told you that Amy was the one who took them in October 08. However, you started to bring up how you were livid that they were stolen as you began to unpack in your new place. You hinted around for me to buy them because you were broke. Sorry dude but you just got a 12k bonus from Rockstar and in a month it's all gone? WTFE Jay? Where did it go? Well, maybe you didn't really get 12k just like you didn't really get a 10K bonus in July 08. If you went through all of that money then you are just an idiot. But my guess is you still have most of it tucked away still.

You lied about working both days on the weekends so many times. Or you would say you had to work down on the 4th floor. For all I know, the 4th floor is some broom closet. When I came out to move from Southampton to Boston, I did a little drive by your house. There your car sat. When you thought I was at the Ferry, I was actually in Selden 'checking up' on you. You lied right to me. I assumed you just wanted another day off without me being right there. If I had any inclination you were lying so that you could shuffle around 5 other girls, I would have left you then. But you even deny when someone is staring at you with die hard proof.

You really have it down. Make them feel like they are crazy and then start messing with their head. Make them believe you are the nicest guy, the 'rare' find and make it all about their own insecurity, destabilize them and when they are almost down, kick them again so they won't get up so quickly and question you again. You do this with words because you are too much of a pussy to confront any of us.

This is why I don't worry about you driving up here and setting fire to my house. You are too lazy to get on the Ferry or drive up here just to hurt me. But you did always say you would stalk me. And that I could never escape you. That's why I had to get a restraining order. Plus you know that if you ever show up here, Will will kick your ass and not think twice about it. He is completely disgusted by you. He thought you were a nice guy. And don't you think he's pretty upset that you took money from Bibby's account? That's a pretty spineless thing to do.

Our last phone conversation on 2-4-09 was great wasn't it? I confronted you about Amy and you lied to me again but this time for the absolute last time. And true to form, you got angry and hung up on me. I notice you didn't answer my text that I sent after that hang up, nor the email with what your MySpace page should have said. Liar. Cheat. Thief. I can't think of one nice thing to say about you. Your name incites lots of emotions and none of them are good.

And now you suffer in your own way only because you, (Jay) didn't get what he wanted. But in reality, Jay you never knew what you wanted because you only lived for today, not tomorrow. Only for right now. What does Jay need? Sleep? Food? Sex? A friend? Whatever Jay needs at the time he needs it is what you want. Like a child.

Even my 2 year old can delay her own gratification for the things she demands. You even needed attention from a 2 year old. Those pics of you and her at the Aquarium, how sweet I thought they were. And the pic of all of us that I gave to you, well, I'm sure that went right into the trash on the Ferry ride home. All of your talk on how you missed us and how you couldn't wait to see her again and how you wished she was yours. Now it all makes sense. You only wanted her because she is so cute and people paid attention when she was around.

You don't care about anything but Jay. You have to make sure you tell everyone how great you are because you know deep down that you are not right in the head, you know you have issues that go beyond depression. You've known for awhile that something is wrong but to blame yourself is like putting a gun to your head. That's the issue with narcissists, they love themselves too much to kill themselves.

You told me on so many occassions, "You know me better than I know myself." I had no idea what it meant until now. You were blank, hollow, empty inside. You needed my personality to fool others. When I spoke to your 7 year GF, we found it odd that it was her that I dated and me that she dated (personality wise).

You might truly be a 'late bloomer' but that is no excuse for 'sucking' in bed (and that's not a compliment). First of all, you need to initiate sex with a girl, not the other way around. Secondly there is something called foreplay. And third, you don't have to act like all girls are fragile, you are not THAT big. But it was good sometimes only because you could hold your orgasm until after me. I heard it wasn't like that for the 7 year GF. Girls like to be a little aggressive and really get into SEX. She said you only did missionary though and that you couldn't hold your own erection. That was probably because you weren't in control in that relationship.

Your psychic visit. You left out the part that this was one of Amy's relatives that told you someone would betray you. Perhaps they really meant you were going to betray someone.

I hope someday Karma will intervene and bring you physical pain, because I know you know how that feels. Serious physical pain. A body cast of physical pain. It's the only way you'll even understand how your victims feel.

You told me, relationships never work out for you. Well, there is a reason why. When I saw you for the LAST time in mid January 09, you looked at me and said, "I love you, don't forget that ever." "I owe you so much." Yeah, you do...that's the understatement of the Millenium. But what about the other girls, what do you owe to them? Amy's gone. 7 year GF is gone, I am gone. Who else left you during your grief? Anyone who has any sense.

Oh and BTW-I have forgotten that you loved me sooooo much, it was fairly easy to forget. It's hard to love someone you don't respect and I began to loose respect for you in July 08. The reason was fairly simple, you morphed into your asshole stage and you remained that way.

You used me from the very beginning. You wanted to come to MY house in Southampton because it was really nice, you could use my washer and dryer, you could be away from your other GFs and you knew you would never get caught there.

You are the 'piece of work'...........but your game is 'over' they say in your line of work, your game environment is seriously derranged. If I could name a video game for you, I would call you 'Resident Evil.' The only hope I have for you is that you get your stint in the local mental hospital. It's where you belong. You are not one of us and you will never be. You will always feel that life is unfair, you will always blame everyone else, you will never accept normal responsibilities in life, you will be envious of what other people have.

You will always feel like you have to prove yourself to those around you. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't pity you. That would imply forgiveness of some type. You talk about your religious side and one day you will have to be accountable there. Maybe then you will find your justice in hell, where you belong.

You would plead with me through your drunk texts never to throw you away. That was only for attention. That was to show me that you were vulnerable. You were probably high off of your ass and watching UFC and smiling when you sent that message. The night before I met you, you had called me up drunk off of your ass and I remember clearly the nasty things you said to me. Of course you didn't remember them and wondered why I wasn't talking to you. You show up with this stupid Walmart Stuffed Animal as some sort of peace offering, well, you will see that again (when you are not even looking).

The person that you really were.....the one I am starting to see with eyes wide open, I am slam dunking this mother fucker right into the trash, without a blink.

A'ight Bitch?


This predator (Jay) will not take any responsibility in his actions. He will use these past situations to get him more of what he wants from other un-suspecting people, mainly women. He will handle things only if he is forced to deal with it like his suspended driver's license or his 17k judgment forced upon him by Suffolk County or his Tax Levy from the IRS from non filed tax returns years 2003-2008.

Before we had even met, he made me feel like no one did anything for his birthday. That it was never special. So, in August 2006, I sent him a $50.00 Best Buy GiftCard and a "cake" but the cake came to my house instead and he asked me if I was going to replace it. My very first gut feeling is, OMG, are you serious? I don't even know you and I just sent you a gift card and you have the nerve to ask me for something else? He kept on and on and I finally gave in with another $50.00 gift card to Best Buy. He used guilt and manipulation in the form of 'well, I guess I won't be having much a birthday without a cake' or 'maybe I don't deserve another gift, afterall, you did just get me a gift card.'

According to Jay, his cube-mate bought him a DVD for his Birthday, a trilogy set of the Raiders of the Lost Arc movies. Just a few weeks after this, he states he is upset with Mike and that he won't be speaking to him for awhile. I thought this was strange. You see this person most everyday, work in close proximity to him and you are just not speaking? He said Mike was immature and he needed to be punished.

Then when Mike's birthday came around, I asked Jay what he was doing for him and he said "NOTHING, FUCK that guy!" All because he was mad because Mike made a comment that Jay didn't like. WOW! GEE! Had I had my PSYCHOPATH ALERT HAT on I maybe could have spotted this big RED FLAG. This is how JAY treats everyone who pissed him off, does something he doesn't like, dissapoints him, etc.....

I sent him a cookie boquet for Valentine's Day in 2006 and when he took it home, he lied to his GF and said he found it on the break room table. I'm sure the card that came with it went into the break room trash can.

He came to me in December 2007 and told me that his sister Missy was having financial issues and she didn't work. (Come to find out, she works for his GF at Dave and Buster's) He said she was going to loose her house and that his niece would not have a very nice Xmas. Well, I have kids and who wants to think of a child going without for Xmas? Not me. I usually 'adopt' a Christmas Angel from the mall as I like to share this with my own kids so they will learn how to give back. I opted to help out his sister who I had never met. Jay asked me repeatedly, "When are you going to get those gifts down here, it's almost Christmas??"

In an effort to save time, I shopped in Selden, NY for the gifts and in effort to save time, I didn't wrap anything. I gave the bags to him directly. It is unclear if he actually gave her these gifts or if he took them back to the store since they still had their tags on them. The one thing I do know is that Missy had no idea I had been the one who gave these gifts. In fact, while I was on the phone with his GF, Missy walked into work. It is unclear to me if she even registered this as he may have just taken them back and gotten things for himself. That's my guess anyway.

One day he saw my 'change' collection at over $152.00 and he said repeatedly, "You can just give that to me..." I would roll my eyes and tell him to save his own. I chalked it up to him not understanding what is appropriate or not appropriate in social situations. He always wanted what I had. He always wanted the things I bought for my kids. Even toys. He would tell me to tuck him in or check his temperature. He was convinced he had a perpetual fever.

When I bought him an HD DVD player for Xmas in 2007 it did not come with the HD Cables. What did we do? We went right up to Best Buy where I shelled out $120.00 bucks so he could watch TV. He kept saying, "Well, you should have bought them or what good is giving a gift if you can't use it." I, of course felt guilty even though I had just spent money on the gift itself.

When I approached him about paying me back he would say, "I have never asked you for anything, everything you did and gave me was because you wanted to." This may be how he sees it but it's not how he said he would handle paying me back. Yet he complained that his brother Matt had borrowed money and never paid it back. Or that his own dad had dis-owned him over $160.00.

And so, how does this guy end up in at least 3 relationships? Because he didn't ask for the attention, people just came up and started giving it to him. This is how he never felt remotely responsible for sleeping with other girls.

Further, he could not understand it when they would get upset with him. After all, he was just standing there when a pretty girl came up and started talking and flirting, he is not responsible for what happened next.

And when he says he's sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, it only means, he's sorry he couldn't continue to lie so that he could get what he wanted/needed. He would talk about his co-workers going out and paying for girls in strip clubs but my gut says it was probably him doing this. He would tell me that his cube-mate Nathan had to pay for prostitutes just to have sex. I've seen Nathan and to me, he's a good looking guy. On the other hand he would say that Mike had lots of girls he was juggling. Looking back, it was probably Jay who paid for prostitutes. His MySpace page speaks for itself. Who puts call girls on their page?

He would call Nathan a big slacker, always talking to girls, always surfing the web but again, I have a strong suspicion that this was actually his own behavior he was speaking of. I think this is how he alleviated his 'responsibility.' and was able to justify his behavior.

My gut feeling says he has bi-sexual tendancies. He made too many comments about men or their 'dicks' and how they looked to be not at least curious. Especially from his cubemate, Nathan at work. He would tell me about the times he would go into the city and stay with him during crunch. He was convinced that Mike had a 'crush' on him and wanted him for sex. He talked about a dildo that he was sure Mike wanted to use on him. Jay was very delusional most of the time and he was constantly saying things that would make you think, what did he just say?

He needs male attention because he didn't get anything from his dad while growing up. He's afraid of most authority figures and he's not sure how he will handle criticism or take rejection from them. He would secretly say he had a crush on Johnny Depp. He would make comments about my ex and wondered if he would get 'into' watching us have sex. WTF? He was always 'joking' so I never took him to be serious. How many times did I ask for him and I to be friends or friends with 'benefits.' He would cry and tell me he could not have sex with me like that, just being friends. The issue was, he knew I would be less inclined to buy him shit if that were the case and more importantly he wouldn't have control over me.

Sadly, he believes his lies and delusions to the point they become his reality. I think he has to state things (as happening to other people) in a way to confess or put it out there his own deviant behavior. If he tells me Matt's GF is clingy maybe this is his way of telling me his other GF is clingy. Maybe in his mind he can justify his actions by making them someone else's actions.

When he told me I knew him best, I believe him. I believe that there were many times he 'confessed' things he had done by telling me it was someone he knew, or that he would let his guard down long enough for me to see and hear who he really was on the inside. The person I saw was truly frightening and damaged. I do believe he knows he is crazy and a psychopath. Maybe not to the degree or to the definition that non psychopaths understand but on some level, he knows what he is. He has moments of clarity and understands there is something wrong with him. He told me too many times for me to now think otherwise.

I was his 'mother' on some level. Someone to make him feel better, relieve him of guilt, provide unconditional love and understanding. But as it states in one of my other posts, a psychopath will stab you in the back at some point. It only took 3 years for him to do it to me. His GF of 7 years might never see a 'stab' in the back. She may only see his 'regret' and his 'sadness' over what he did, over his lies and manipulation. She will proabably hear the 'I'm sorry' and 'Forgive me' routines. He will do anything to get back in her good graces, maybe not now but soon he will. He will check up on her (another form of stalking) and act as if he only has her best interest at heart. However, we know these people will do anything for their own selfish needs.

Even now, I miss the good person he portrayed himself to be. I miss the person he never was.

Some interesting quotes.....and vomiting

There are some really good resources out there. I didn't specialize in Psychopathic Behavior during grad school and I'm pretty sure no one does early on. I believe they touch on it in 'abnormal' psych classes and since about 30% of men are truly some form of a psychopath, it would be good measure to start making it course for study.

As our society becomes more sectioned off due to rapid advancements in technology, the psychopathic personality will grow from 30% to 50% or more. Not overnight but over centuries. People need family and extended family and friends to know and judge how to react in situations. If there are a number of people who have a pre-disposition to psychopathy via environment, these numbers are sure to rise.

Some interesting quotes....All of these applied directly to the situations I dealt with during this relationship with Jay:

Psychopaths have a grandiose self-structure which demands "a scornful and detached devaluation of others" (Gacon et al 1992), in order to ward off envy toward the good perceived in people.

Guggenbuhl-Craig, writes in his book The Emptied Soul, that "Relationships (for psychopaths) are things of the moment. . .their motto seem(s) to be 'Out of sight, out of mind.' (41)

They have "an uncanny ability to spot and use 'nurturant' women -- that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others." (Hare, 149). As Hare recounts, a particular "nurturance-seeking missile" who had a local reputation for attracting a steady stream of female visitors seemed to have this talent. He was "not particularly good-looking or very interesting to talk to. But he had a certain cherubic quality that some women, staff included, seemed to find attractive. One woman commented that she 'always had an urge to cuddle him.' Another said that 'he needs mothering.' (Hare, 149).

Also, the psychopath can be very good at feigning love. Guggenbuhl-Craig recalls a few incidents about a psychopath who deluged his sweetheart with presents and affection. None of it was real even though the man acted like he cared for her. One of these psychopathic "romancers" later killed his partner and felt no remorse at all. The woman had merely been taken in by empty gestures. I suspect many women out there who are reading this will identify with this.

Lying is like breathing to the psychopath. When caught in a lie and challenged, they make up new lies, and don't care if they're found out. As Hare states, "Lying, deceiving, and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths...When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie. The results are a series of contradictory statements and a thoroughly confused listener." (Hare, 46).

Psychopaths may also sense that they are different and damaged when compared with others, which feeds further resentments.

Everyone who knows a psychopath will be stabbed in the back, sooner or later.

Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so.

The psychopath also appears not to be able to remember what they had said or committed to for very long. They seem to always be living in the present. That is why they are usually guilty of being big promise-makers who cannot live up to their word. Once again, it will be the victim who must deal with the aftermath of all the psychopath's twists and turns, and when he gets you angry enough, you will be discredited as "defective" by him, and the psychopath will often make himself out to be the real victim.

I wished I had trusted my gut back in 2006 when I first experienced the twinges from him over the phone or email. When he wouldn't talk to me for TWO days because he thought I dated a black guy, he told me directly that I was DEFECTIVE. Of course he got his facts wrong and misinterpreted what I had said but in his mind, this was how he saw me. What I had said was I had a good friend who was a doctor who took me out to dinner after my grandmother passed away. And yes, he was black. So? Who do you think you are to judge me for something that happened BEFORE meeting you? And even if it were a 'date' so what????

He talked about the black people he works with and how he hated them. One of the guys had had a baby and he was livid over having to give up $5.00 bucks as a donation! He called me up to bitch about this one day and how he didn't have any money and even if he did how he wouldn't pay it. He can get very twisted and bent out of shape when they do or say something to him. I don't comment on it and I should have picked up that he was a racist but he waffles so much, I could never tell if he was serious or not. He doesn't have a problem with black women as he had stated on several occasions that they really dig him. He seems to like this type of attention. But then again, he likes attention from ANYONE. There was a black guy who worked at the Best Buy close to his job and he just went off on the possibility of him getting a job at Rockstar. Citing that they better not hire him over his brother Matt. He was livid about this issue for days. Even ignoring one of the girls he had previously been friends with because she suggested he apply for a job. How silly is that? To be upset like he was? How mature? Not mature at all.

He gave me several indicators that I needed to be a non smoker, virginal, from a good parental structure, produce good looking kids, educated, submissive, etc. However upon learning more about Amy, I find out she had her issues. Smoker, had been raped, was taking pills to cope. This amazes me as the person I knew as Jay Capozello would have NEVER NEVER NEVER dated a girl like this. It just shows me what a mask he wore. How he lied and deceived to get what HE wanted.

This happened in all facets of his life, work, home, social, he lied to get what he wanted. Jay's boss Jeff was duped on so many occasions. Jay would tell him he had a dental appointment or had some 'other' appointment when in reality, he just didn't want to go work or he wanted to leave early. One day, he kept IM'ing me to ask me if he should stay at work or go home, as if the decision were up to me. Looking back, he'd always had issues. But since they work those guys to death during crunch, I just thought he needed a break. He told me on several occasions he was going to have a mental breakdown if he didn't get his time off. I believed him as he didn't handle stress very well. But as the picture becomes clearer he was probably stressed out about having so many lies and women to juggle all at once.

I should have picked up on the signs, the clues...the BIG CLUES. So, I sit here and wonder why I missed it. If I had been watching a scary movie, I would have said, "Wow, that poor idiot, she should have done this and not that....." I didn't even realize I was the poor idiot.

I'm sure he feels successful in hurting me the way he did. I'm sure there is a piece of him that revels in the glory of my tears and my need to rescue him. I'm sure my behavior was as predictable as snow in the winter. He knew if he said he was 'disappointed' in me I would try to make it up to him. As if he was a parental figure to me, my father. Now I have to step back and say to myself, was I prepped for this type of relationship my entire life? That's what I have to figure out.

I'm sure Jay sits in his apartment 'grieving' over his dead GF or fiance while he plays his video games, gets stoned and drinks himself into oblivion, pilled out on Vicodin, logging in to his MySpace page to see if there are any new victims to entomb...feeling quite happy with himself and his ability to lie, cheat and slither into a life like a virus, undetected. He may feel 'bad' that the three women who paid the most attention to him are 'dead' in a way to him, he may 'grieve' for us as one person because he won't be getting what he wants. He will have to start over with new, innocent and unsuspecting women and to him that is OK because in the meantime he will call out to the few women who don't know the truth, like Cathy his ex landlord, or Shannekqua from his MySpace page and get his basic needs met, food, sex and sympathy. He will hang his head and get teary when he goes back to work as if he is really hurting inside. He will milk Jeff, Nathan, Tamara, Sean, and whoever will take pity on him for every bit of attention they will throw his way. He will feel like life is so unfair, first his mom dies, then his precious bunny, now his fiance? He's estranged from his family, he has no one to lean on, no one who can understand what this new 'loss' means to him and he will use this excuse for years to come.

The sad part of all of this (besides the trail of victims) is that there is no cure for his psychopathy. Many people will look at him and feel like he's the victim of so many women who took advantage of him. It is like eradicating smallpox. You have to find it first, isolate it and then destroy it. Sounds easy enough but we all know how long it took to isolate smallpox and even now, it crops up from time to time.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hey Asshole, chew on THIS!

Just when I didn't think it could get any worse....who knew he was an apparent Psychopath. I mean, he would say sick things like, they should lock me up or if I get anywhere near a mental hospital, they will keep me forever. NO SHIT.I recently learned that he kept a profile on MySpace. OMG. WHAT A JOKE. I can't believe I fell for his crap. The signs were definitely there along the way. He actually said he would 'stalk' me if I weren't in his life and I thought it was a joke. He would say he was twisted, psychotic, crazy, mental....but all jokingly so as to not arouse suspicion. To think that I 'stayed' around to give him just more money. Gee, thanks Jay, that was really nice of you to not cut me loose or trade me in for a new model. What you mean to say was you had already traded me in when I stopped paying your storage bill.

So, here is a snippet in all it's glory and my response to it.

Jay's Blurbs

About me:I am Italian/Irish guy who's height is at 6 feet tall. I have a nice athletic build. I am very funny and sarcastic at times. I am very easy to talk to and laid back. I like to kick back every now and then, and have a few beers or Sake. I am an intelligent person with a great sense of humor. I have alot of passion in everything i do. I am a big animal lover (except for cats, which i dont like). I have a pet dog and rabbits. I like to cook (well i think im an excellent cook I love playing my guitar and singing too.

I have many interests. I am very into Asian culture. I lived in Japan for three years and i am currently learning how to read/write and speak Japanese. I am also into music. I write and record my own music. I've been playing the guitar for a number of years.

Maybe you should take another stab at writing your Blog:

I’m a complete dick and a total waste of time. I’m no where near 6 feet tall but I have to say that because I am so insecure I have to lie about this to impress others. I don’t have such a great body due to the constant ‘munchies’ due to getting stoned everyday. My other personalities think I am funny but the outside world looks at me like I am insane. And I am sarcastic but only to girls who allow me to treat them like shit. I’m fairly easy to talk to because while the girls are doing most of the talking, I’m pretty much thinking about how I can play on their emotions and take them along on my downward spiral. I kick back most everyday indulging in sex where ever I can get it and I mean WHERE EVER I can get it. However when I say BEER, I really mean all beer all the time. I’m a product of an alcoholic and I have to keep the tradition going.

Saying I’m laid back really means I am so lazy that I have to get multiple women to take care of me, in fact, I’m soooo lazy that I can’t even think for myself on most occasions. (And if you have to know the truth-I have a hard time composing a simple email). I’m intelligent in the way any predator is, I sit back and I watch people, I wait patiently for them to approach me (because it inflates my ego) and plan what lie I will use to get them to do what I want. BUT when they fail to do what I want, I become the opposite of laid back, I become violently cruel verbally and physically until they are backed down into submission.

Some of my favorite words are below and how I would use them in a sentence:

Work Ethnics- “Babe, you have an excellent work ethnic.”
Characteristic- “Babe, I play the guitar, it’s one of my characteristics”
Agreeance- “Babe, I am in total aggreeance.”
Intelligence Quotient-“Babe, you have no idea how high my intelligence quotient is.’

Behind my back, these are commonly whispered as ‘Jayisms’

My personality is pretty much void, I don’t understand most humor and tend to laugh during inappropriate times and say the wrong things. However, I’m funny in the way that I create drama in my life and those around me. As long as I have drama, who needs TV? I can watch my handiwork unfold which is better than any reality TV show.

My passion comes from the desire to please myself, so if something is worth it in my eyes, I will act appropriately to get what I want, at any expense, except my own. I am a big animal lover except that I can barely take care of myself. I actually don’t have a dog. I had to give him away to someone I don’t even know because my dad arranged it and I lost track of him over the years. Don’t fall for the rabbit trick, don’t let the innocence of a bunny let you think I must also be like that because if I could really show myself, I would be a python and eat the bunny without blinking an eye. As far as my cooking skills go, I can really only make one dish. When I say I think I’m an excellent cook I really believe it, just like I believe I am awesome in bed. Delusion is a wonderful mindset.

I own several guitars but rarely do I open them up and play. I’m way too busy inflicting guilt and manipulation on unknowing girls to worry about playing guitars. It’s very cool with the ladies especially when I tell them that I wrote them a special song when in reality I just burned it from something I had laying on my desk. I get tons of compliments (which I love) which equals some sick gratification for me but hey, they don’t know and really who cares. I’m just not very adventurous. I’d rather live through other people’s lives than live my own.

I tend to take on the personality of the people I date because I have a hard time even figuring out what I like. I’m polite to a T. Women really appreciate the good manners. Oh, and I do love the Asian girls. I’m very into treating these girls like shit because, well, after all, they are Asian. I think I’m better than everyone and I make no pretense about telling anyone who will listen. I will be learning Japanese until I die only because I have such a hard time with the English language, it will take me a lifetime to make it passed the ‘where’s the bathroom’ and ‘what time is it’ phrases.’ I rarely know the definitions of words I should have learned in grade school and my big dopey guy act really makes girl take pity on me and I love it when that happens because I can manipulate them to do exactly what I want.

Below are some things that have worked for me in the past. Parents beware….

1. Being Manipulative and Deceitful
Psychopaths lie easily and because they don’t feel anxious when doing so, many can pass lie detector tests. They manipulate those around them to get money, free places to stay, sexual favours and sympathy. Most psychopaths are very proud of their ability to lie convincingly, and in addition to lying to evade consequences, they lie to get sympathy. When caught in a lie, they simply move on, leaving shattered lives in their wake.

2. Being Impulsive and Lacking Self-Restraint
Inability to delay gratification combined with a lack of fear and other constraints on behaviour leads to impulsivity. This, along with a lack of empathy, causes psychopaths to be selfish and irresponsible. They are like infants in adult bodies, demanding that others gratify their immediate needs while not understanding that they should offer anything in return. They take what they want when they want it through manipulation, threats or force. Because they lack inhibition, psychopaths tend to be short-tempered, becoming emotionally abusive or even violent in response to minor frustrations, criticism and failure. Quick to take offense, they are inclined to blow up at people, but because their emotions are shallow, such outbursts are usually short-lived. Afterward, the psychopath will behave as though nothing has happened, leaving the victims of his tirade feeling hurt and bewildered.

3. Bragging
Because psychopaths think very highly of themselves, most are prone to bragging. Many psychopaths talk obsessively in an attempt to convey their toughness and importance to others.

4. Having Behavior Problems in ChildhoodHe lies continuously and appears unfazed when caught in a lie. Threats of punishment (and even actual punishment) don’t usually deter him from doing what he wants. Even if he comes from a good, nurturing family, the psychopathic child will usually steal, cut school, have sex, take drugs, start fires, vandalize and be cruel to animals and other children by the time he is just 12 years old.

So, I can’t WAIT to meet you and get this party started!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Lies, Lies, Lies and death...........

Well, how stupid do I feel? Pretty stupid. I've been assuming all along it's been Asperger's Syndrome solely and that undernearth of this all has been just lack of knowledge on my part and not listening to my insticnt.

Come to find out there are a few other issues going along with his Asperger's. These would include Covert Abuser and Pathological Liar. The latter one is the most scary to me.

Well over two years ago he made me a CD with 'music' on it that he claimed was 'his' own compilation and in fact, wrote a song for me. Wow, my very own song. Needless to say it was written and performed by Marc Rizzo. Lucky for me there is awesome technology these days and it was fairly easy to figure out. I mean, the clues were there. Hey that CD is awesome! Wow you are really talented! Compliment after Compliment. He beemed with delight and approval. But, I just happened to have a friend in the music biz so I mention this to Jay and he freaks out. Telling me he's very private about his work and even getting mad because I let it out of my sight...yeah, because it's stolen.

When I learned about this yesterday I felt intense fear. This one act two years ago tells me things about this person that scare me. It means he's hollow inside. That he has such little self confidence, self-image, self-esteem that he has to fake who he is just to impress people. The guy is pathetic.

However, a deeper and more insane issue is he didn't sound right yesterday. I immediately stopped him two seconds into the conversation and said, Ok, what's wrong? Cause I knew something was wrong. I have been talking online to this person for 3 years. I can just tell when he's not right. He complained about having to work the weekend, never having any time off, being tired etc. The same stuff I've heard daily for 3 years. I wanted to know what his 'big' decision was going to be since he made it clear there was to be one on Monday. But when I asked him this question, he acted as if he had no recollection of telling me he was making such a decision. And further, he said he was waiting on me to tell him what I was thinking. OK WHAT??? Exactly. Nothing with him makes sense. Not because he's forgetful, not because he has Asperger's, not because of anything except this: HE LIES. And he believes these lies when he can keep up with them.

At 7:35 PM I rec'd a VM on my work line stating that he needed me to call him and that it was a FUCKING Emergency. I thought, ok, another ploy to lure me back in by playing on my empathy/sympathy emotions. Now, two weeks ago, he told me his dad was in the hospital. So, I am thinking, Ok, good gosh, his dad may have passed away. So, I called him. Come to find out, it wasn't his dad but his friend Amy, who tragically died in a house fire yesterday AM. I looked it up online, and yes, there was a girl named Amy who died in a house fire. Very very sad! This is the second death to hit him in less than a year. So, I wonder, ok did you really know this girl who died in this fire? Or did you just see her name online and decide to use it as a ploy to get some sympathy out of me? I mean, at this point, who knows what his motivation is.

However upon closer inspection he makes some interesting slips:

He said her brother called him with the news. Then he said the dad called him. He told me her family was calm. Hard to believe because if I lost my daughter in a house fire, I would be a pile on the floor not able to call any of her friends. So, who is he to her that he gets a personal call from a family member? Good friends? Probably not. More than likely Girlfriend. So, now things start adding up. He mentions her to me in December 2008 for the first time. He asks if he should move in with her. Out of the blue, just like that, someone who cannot be in the same room with another human being for more than 5 hours is going to now have a female roomate? Someone I've never heard him mention? As if. He must really think I am stupid to buy that crock. I knew in December that she was more than a friend.

Now as I am talking to him he is extremely upset, anxiety stricken, like he's worried about something. He lost his mom years ago and then his favorite bunny rabit and I've 'heard' the desparation and grief/sadness.....THIS was different. I said, wow, she's just a friend but you act like you are in love with her. And you are taking time off from work because a 'friend' died? Wow, you must be a really good friend to her and her family. He neither confirmed or denied his feelings for her.

He originally told me that he spoke to her the night before last. REALLY? WOW! He hates to talk on the phone but now he is taking calls from her at night? Amazing. Then later in the conversation he said, Maybe I should have DRIVEN back out there. OK WTF? Driven BACK as in you were there earlier and you should have gone back? OMFG! Of course he says no, I only spoke to her on the phone and proceeded to tell me via more lies about what transpired.

She had an Ambien addiction apparently, according to him. And that on another previous occassion he had to pick her up from the hospital after she OD'd on some Ambien. Ok again, how is the hospital supposed to know to call YOU??? More than likely you took her there and waited while she recovered. Oh, and BTW when did this even happen? Because I never heard about this incident. He responds, a few months ago. REALLY? Wow, you tell me everytime you have a bowel movement. And you've somehow let this slip your mind? I don't think so. Then I bring up Starr and how he is always there when she needs something...but he has a retort for everything. But he used his standard, GUILT when it came to keeping me from asking too many questions. I mean, after all, isn't it fair that I be a 'nice' guy and help her out? I mean, what if I didn't have you to talk to, I'd really like it if she did the same for me....GUILT GUILT GUILT.

So, I'm just saying a lot of nothing because I have no sympathy for this predator. He tells me he wants to KILL himself. OK WHAT? Over a friend dying? This doesn't make any sense.

He tells me he was sort of rude to her over the phone and hung up on her cause she pissed him off. OMG, you are supposed to be a friend to this girl and then you just hang up on her and go on about your night. Let's just assume you aren't a liar and that you have been the person you said you were.......SHE did not deserve for you to hang up on her as if her feelings (which I am sure you caused) meant absolutely nothing to you. As if she were trash to be discarded by you. When you said she did not 'suffer'...............WTF? What planet do you live on? She was in a fire and then was still alive when they pulled her out. Maybe it makes you sleep better at night knowing she didn't suffer but wake up Jay, she suffered. She suffered for the time she knew you and when she died. For you not to even realize this or see it or even feel it, makes me wonder if there is not something more seriously wrong with you. Then you talk about your upcoming concert with your friends. A concert should be the last thing on your mind if you are as upset as you say you are. You talk about your mom as if she were a saint. I wonder what she would say now looking at you. Pathetic!

Maybe that was her making your legs tingle on Monday, maybe she's coming to get you.

Monday, February 2, 2009

OMG! Clarity is scary and precise.....

Have you ever been in a situation where you have escaped death? Like a car accident? Or sensed that gut wrenching fear when you are next to someone in the checkout line? You couldn't put your finger on it but the next day you see where he committed a crime? It's this sort of clarity that I speak of today. As of Thursday of last week, I had that sort of clarity and every day since then as I learn new things about the person I thought I knew.

I had been saying over and over that he acted like this because he had Asperger's Syndrome, but the bigger, scarier picture is he's controlling. Abusive. Predator, possible. Everytime I read something on any of these types, he does have the things that fit into the emotionally abusive category.

I was an abused child. But I have never thought of myself as a victim, far from it. I have a positive outlook on life. I try to see the best in everyone and myself. I have successfully achieved a lot in my life and have so much more to do. So, when he packaged his abuse under the guise of being a nice guy, I fell for it.

One of my friends told me that his behavior was abusive and pointed out to me some of the things I had said before. I then started doing research online and what do you know, there are more than just a few traits he possesses. So, all this time that I was trying to work around Asperger's, it's actually something more.....something more sinister, detrimental, and un-fixable.

After being in an abusive relationship, I swore I would never get 'suckered' in again. However, here I am. He packaged his as the 'nice guy'.....when in reality he was angry, passive-aggressive, selfish, a liar, controlling, abusive....etc....And sitting here now, I think, wow, I fell for it again. So, my feelings I've had in certain phases have actually been right on target. Believing that I was the root of most of the issues because I had my own insecurities.

But due to this last episode, I absolutely knew I had not done anything wrong. He had hurt my feelings by his comments and then made me responsible for making him mad. I haven't spoken to him for one week now. He's punished me for a week. Telling me on Friday that he did not want to speak to me and that he needed time to decide what he was going to do. As if there was any decision needed on his end. That showed me right there that the gut feelings were true, he was controlling me.

Even scarier was that I didn't see it. Why not? Because I figured out that this type of person is attractive to me, because I have a sick desire to please someone who is un-pleasable. If I called him up and offered him a million dollars, he would take it, but in two weeks he would find something else to bitch about. It would never be enough and the realization that I'm like this, made my stomach sick. Of course it goes back to the abuse from my parents.

So, in essence this situation has made me see some things about myself I didn't know were there and extremely scary things about him that I am just starting to see.