Monday, February 2, 2009

OMG! Clarity is scary and precise.....

Have you ever been in a situation where you have escaped death? Like a car accident? Or sensed that gut wrenching fear when you are next to someone in the checkout line? You couldn't put your finger on it but the next day you see where he committed a crime? It's this sort of clarity that I speak of today. As of Thursday of last week, I had that sort of clarity and every day since then as I learn new things about the person I thought I knew.

I had been saying over and over that he acted like this because he had Asperger's Syndrome, but the bigger, scarier picture is he's controlling. Abusive. Predator, possible. Everytime I read something on any of these types, he does have the things that fit into the emotionally abusive category.

I was an abused child. But I have never thought of myself as a victim, far from it. I have a positive outlook on life. I try to see the best in everyone and myself. I have successfully achieved a lot in my life and have so much more to do. So, when he packaged his abuse under the guise of being a nice guy, I fell for it.

One of my friends told me that his behavior was abusive and pointed out to me some of the things I had said before. I then started doing research online and what do you know, there are more than just a few traits he possesses. So, all this time that I was trying to work around Asperger's, it's actually something more.....something more sinister, detrimental, and un-fixable.

After being in an abusive relationship, I swore I would never get 'suckered' in again. However, here I am. He packaged his as the 'nice guy'.....when in reality he was angry, passive-aggressive, selfish, a liar, controlling, abusive....etc....And sitting here now, I think, wow, I fell for it again. So, my feelings I've had in certain phases have actually been right on target. Believing that I was the root of most of the issues because I had my own insecurities.

But due to this last episode, I absolutely knew I had not done anything wrong. He had hurt my feelings by his comments and then made me responsible for making him mad. I haven't spoken to him for one week now. He's punished me for a week. Telling me on Friday that he did not want to speak to me and that he needed time to decide what he was going to do. As if there was any decision needed on his end. That showed me right there that the gut feelings were true, he was controlling me.

Even scarier was that I didn't see it. Why not? Because I figured out that this type of person is attractive to me, because I have a sick desire to please someone who is un-pleasable. If I called him up and offered him a million dollars, he would take it, but in two weeks he would find something else to bitch about. It would never be enough and the realization that I'm like this, made my stomach sick. Of course it goes back to the abuse from my parents.

So, in essence this situation has made me see some things about myself I didn't know were there and extremely scary things about him that I am just starting to see.

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