Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Sixth Sense

Everyone has seen The Sixth Sense. That's how I feel now. I'm at the end of the movie and the real story line was just revealed and Bruce Willis is DEAD! What? Now we have to go back and fill in the blanks of what we heard and saw and then the REAL reality of it all. We were fooled by this movie. I was fooled by this person. I went back to the early notes, IMs from the beginning, wondering if there was something I should have seen. And yes, the flags were Bright RED and waving to get my attention but I missed them. ALL of them. He acted like such a 'nice guy' a 'rare find' in his own words.

It's been almost month where I got pissed at Jay ended our relationship. It's been just 3 weeks since I confronted him about Amy (at the time I had no idea he was still seeing S.E. his GF of 7 years). As usual he tried to spin it back on me and start telling me about his grief. But if that's true, why did he have plans on going to the Slip Knot concert with S.E. on 2-5-09? Because they are just friends? No, because he was trying to get her back into his life and it was working. She (S.E.) found out they were getting married on Friday 2-6-09, even if I hadn't of called her two days prior, she would have read the article. Who knows if she would have allowed him to give her some BS excuse but my gut feeling is that she is too strong for that. Even if I hadn't broke it off with him, I too would have been reading the same news and thinking to myself, WTF?

I wonder if the people who knew him at work or his own family knew that he was engaged to Amy. I tend to doubt it because I think he is the one who told Amy's family this line so that they could have peace. Jay would tell me, there is a reason for my madness. Now I know what it was. To make yourself look like a good guy when in reality you are just a snake. From what S.E. said, he made it seem like Amy was some stalker who threatened to kill herself if he didn't pay attention to her. She even thought that Amy was psycho until she spoke to me. Then she realized that Amy was telling the truth more because my stories about how Jay would act were eerily similiar to Amy's.

A part of me knew I would never hear from him again. There was a part of me that was waiting for an explanation, an apology, something....but nothing. To get NOTHING. That was a slap in the face. Even if it were in email form, I would have read it, digested it and tried to make some sense of it. I would have tried my best to hear what the real Jay was saying. It would not have changed anything but I guess his admittance or accepting of the responsibility of wrong doing would have given me a sense that I could obtain closure.

I have to stick to my original conclusion, he is a psychopath. Someone who said they loved me so much, cared about me so much, who maybe just got caught up in something with another girl, well, they would have tried to apologize in some way. And it makes it very black and white. He didn't care at all. When he was eating Thanksgiving Dinner with S.E.'s family and opening Christmas gifts with her, he was telling me that he was all alone and he 'might' go to his friend's house. When he called me late at night to tell me that he was so in love with me, he was just bored and had no one else to talk to. When we went to see a movie, I had no idea he had seen the SAME movie two days prior with S.E. When he would come out to my house in Southampton, I had no idea he had just finished with having dinner with her. He never ate much and I always thought that was strange but it was because he had just finished eating with someone else.

And so, I have 3 years worth of 'these' fill in the blank memories. It will be awhile before I heal.
I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone else again. Ever. I had trust issues coming into this relationship but he worked so hard on telling me what a great guy he was and how I needed to trust him. For this? WHAT a FUCKING PRICK. ASSHOLE. COWARD. LIAR. PUSSY. BASTARD. CHEATING SON of A BITCH.

How can you be with someone for 3 years and then just not offer an apology or at the very minimum an explanation. He lied to me for 3 years about who he was, what he was, what his intentions were, what his motivation was.

Back in July 08 I really started to pull back due to the money issues and the consistent way he would talk to me, treat me, and then blame me for upsetting him. I guess in my mind I thought it would just work itself out. I thought we would part eventually and be friends. He told me he just stops calling a girl or seeing her as much when he wants to break up. I was waiting for that and I really thought that's what December was all about, distance. We had tried to make plans and he sounded genuine when we couldn't do it due to the weather or schedules or being sick.

Just to know that above the financial and time investment, I cared about him. I have always cared about him, very deeply, even if it wasn't love by definition. To realize that he didn't care about me at ALL, that was the biggest shock. Well, he cared when it was beneficial to him, when I was giving him sex or money or paying for our dates or giving him advice. When I became a regular person not doing any of these things, then he would toss me aside like a used Kleenex. He sounded so convincing.

I know this about Jay, he doesn't just part and remain friends, he can't do that. It's a big dramatic exit but he will take you back if you are the one that initiates the conversation. He would tell me it shows you are making an effort. Well, asshole, I made lots of attempts, more than I should have. But you, how many 'attempts' did you really make? I am thinking of two.

One after he threw me down on my back deck and then another time when I called to tell him about a 'contact' I had made for his voice acting, but as usualy Jay did not want to be bothered and just 'went off' on me. When he called back 30 minutes later, he made it a point to let me know he was truly sorry and that he was not just using me to pay for his storage. I asked him why he had said that as it hadn't come up. I thought what an odd thing to say but then Jay was always saying odd things. He probably thought, Ok, no one else is on the hook, I have to call back and act like I am sorry or else she will bail on me and I won't have anyone to pay for my storage.
Knowing now that's how he thought of me, well, I'm sick to my stomach. The very sad thing is this is different than a break up. And Jay will spin it to whoever will listen that I am some psycho GF he dated who can't get over him, who is stalking him. Remember he likes to play the 'victim'. Society will also think 'deal with it, you were dumped.' My friends don't even know what to say. I think it would be hard to know what to say. It's not like someone died, but the person I knew died, the part of Jay that I did know, the part of him he allowed me to see....that person died. I did grieve, for him, for me, for not trusting my gut more and for being such an idiot.

Revenge....oh how I want it, but not for reasons one would think. The next girl or girls to come along will go through this same pattern. He will be such a nice guy, they will get close and the girl will want more, they will fight, he will make her feel like it was all her. He will take her back because that is how he works. She will feel miserable inside. She will feel crazy herself because the relationship won't make sense, how can he be so nice and then so hateful?

I am convinced this is where Amy was when she died. I believe she was in turmoil. I think Jay was promising her more and more and telling her what she wanted to hear and she was becoming very possessive and had to do things to get his attention. Like taking too many Ambien, call him up and not say anything, to see if she could get a reaction out of him, just something so that she knew he still cared.

But he was working hard on getting S.E. back. He kept telling me that as soon as crunch was over, he would be spending more time with me. For all I know, crunch ended after GTA 4 came out. I think he couldn't handle how clingy and jealous she was. If she got too close, she would find out the truth. Jay doesn't like people getting too close.

I don't know if he was there before the fire broke out or not. He made some pretty incriminating remarks on the phone to me on 2-2-09. Could Amy have set the fire herself? Who knows, I guess it's possible. She was a smoker. Was she not paying attention? Was she trying to get his attention? Whether he knew anything or not, he treated her like shit and for that he does have some responsibility in her death. How is that fair?

Everything I've read about her made it sound like she was a happy and sweet girl. I believe this was correct. However, when she met Jay, I think she started to change. She started to change because she was falling in love with him. I can tell you from my own experience, there were times when we were together that I thought the same thing. He makes you feel like you are the only person in the universe. That feeling feels so good, who doesn't want more of it?

As one falls in love with Jay, you stop listening to your own instincts and listen to what he needs or wants because he is so good at telling you. AMY keyed S.E. car. Why would someone do that? Jealousy right? I think Jay needed so much attention that he told Amy that S.E. was the stalker and unstable and he was 'trying' to break it off with her. He sees Amy's actions as her proof of how she feels for illegal act, to show him he was hers. In his sick mind, he enjoyed this. He didn't care about S.E.'s car or Amy's criminal activity, either way he had two women vying for his attention.

So, why string me along? Because I was his financial and advice resource. Bottom line, I was just someone to use.

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