Friday, July 10, 2009

Do they ever change?

The answer to this is a simple, NO. They do not change. Period. In order to 'change' they must realize there is a problem. More than likely, your psychopath will not take responsibility for their actions. They will never apologize and they will tell you in long winded speeches why they shouldn't have to apologize. Apologizing would mean they understand their fault against you and feel 'remorse' for upsetting/hurting you. An apology after the fact, thrown at your face without sincerity is NOT an apology.

I know there are women (and men) out there right now believing that their psychopath can change. (Or, they do not truly believe their mate of choice is a psychopath.) I love this one! The reason they don't believe is because their psychopath is so good at telling them/convincing them they are not the 'monster' their friends and families describe.

This is the main reason why it is hard to break the cycle of psychopathy. How did you end up with a psychopath? First of all, you allowed it. First and foremost you are in control of you. You are the only person you are in control of. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions and do not wallow in the 'how' did I get here. Did you fall for the manipulation? Did you think YOU would be different? Did they abuse/mentally/physically and wear you down to where you could not do anything about it out of fear? Or worse, because it was just 'easier' to be in your relationship. Maybe you were abused by your caregivers, parents, etc. Maybe your self esteem wasn't built on a solid foundation. There are many more reasons and situations why we end up in the same line of victims, because we allowed it.

Love should not equal PAIN. If you are in a painful relationship whether it be physical or emotional, it is not a healthy place. My advice to you is to get out however you can, whether that be to plan your way out, stay with relatives, etc. Cutting off communication with the psychopath is key to leaving and eventually healing. I've heard all of the stories before. You can't leave, what would he do without you? You are the only person who understands him/her? You are the only person who loves him/her? You have kids and have no family support? You need him because you don't make an income? What if he comes to your job, your family's/friend's house? He's promised he will change? These are all questions that have eclipsed our thinking. Leaving a destructive, controlling, demeaning relationship is a hard hard thing to do.

First of all, those of you who are reading this are either in, have been in or know someone who is in an abusive relationship. It's an epidemic. Understand that if you have children, they will learn the same behavior. They will view love as pain and they will seek out that type of relationship in the future. You are an adult, you are in control of you, make the decision to stop the cycle. You are the only one who can. If you have been in a relationship with a psychopath, you will know what I mean when I say, it's a secret. Most of us don't go around talking about how we had a wonderful night of fighting, yelling and crying with the person we love. We mask it, we pretend it didn't happen, we hide it. As long as you hide this type of information from family and friends, you are keeping their secret. Their dirty little secret.

The reason we keep the secret is because we have to protect the abuser. I mean, no one has given them a fair shot in life right? The world is against them. They have lots of negative viewpoints on most things, why they can't keep a job, why they have had a string of failed relationships, why they don't speak to their own family members, etc. So, by hiding the bruises, the tears, the pain, you are keeping the secret. It's the only way the cycle continues. The minute you tell your best friend the truth about your relationship, they will say....UMMM, GET OUT! And then where are you? Well, you have to do something about it, right? Because the next time they see a bruise they will look at you like, WHY don't you do something about it? After awhile you become the boy who cries wolf. And people will start to avoid you because they think well, if she/he is so absolutely 'stupid' to stay, they get what they deserve. And so you shield yourself from this type of rejection too.

Most people don't understand the psychological workings of abuse, narcississm, psychopathic personalities, etc. People tend to think in terms of black and white. If the stove is hot, don't put your hand on it. And if you keep putting your hand on it, then something is wrong with you. In a way, they are right, something is wrong. Seriously wrong. You've been hard wired to believe this is what you deserve. In order to heal and not make the same choices again in your relationships you have to recognize and change the way you see love. Many people in abusive relationships don't want to do this. It is exhausting and it brings up more pain from the past. So, it's hard for the outside world to really understand which is why we hear, "Well, if they are so bad, just leave." Hard to do, easy to say.

If there is property damage, broken bones, black eyes, screaming, etc...more than likely the police were called. Most women won't press charges and those that do will often go right back to the abuser thinking it is a one time occurence or that they blew the situation out of proportion. The police, the legal system isn't set up to handle this massive problem. If you get the strength and courage to leave, you may find yourself being stalked. Stalking laws don't do much. We've had stalking laws since 1987 and hundreds of victims die each year due to relationship violence. If you have children you are obligated under the law to adhere to visitation with the biological father. 18 years worth of time. The best way to avoid this issue: make better choices when it comes to the father of your children. The law is NOT on your side and often the psychopath makes it look like you are the stalker or 'crazy' one. They are great at blame shifting.

So, do they ever change? NO. They never change. They will never change. They will never live up to their 'promises' to never hurt you again. They will hurt you again, it is in their nature. Living with a psychopath is like living with a BOA constrictor. No matter how nice they seem, how good looking, how educated....etc...when it is time to squeeze the life out of you for their own purpose, they will.

Guys like Thomas J. Capano, Darren Mack, Robert Chambers, Matt Matthews think they are so smart. They have convinced their attorneys they are innocent, that it was somehow the victim who perpetrated them. They have their communities convinced, their new girlfriends, their childhood friends, their parents. However if you look at these people, listen to what they are really saying, you can see they are lying. They are chameleons. They will change their colors to fit any situation they find themselves in. If they need to appear helpless they will. If they need to appear rich, they will. If they need to appear educated, they will. Those are the only changes this type of personality will make.

I know that you will read this and perhaps not believe what is written that somehow your relationship is different. If you are being manipulated, caused emotional or physical pain, lied to, etc, just know that as long as you allow it, it will continue. They need you in the same way a parasite needs a host.

My psychopath recently contacted me to tell me that I was keeping him from moving on with his life. What he meant was that I was keeping him from being able to prey on other females that may have googled his name. He even offered to 'apologize' to me if I would just meet him. As if. No responsibility. No remorse. I'm sure he is out there, preying on other women with his poor me routine, or his up and coming voice acting career, or his job as a talented musician, or whatever lie happens to work for him at the time. They won't ever change their need to humiliate, manipulate, control you, etc. You are the only one who can change how you respond to the manipulation, the control, etc. You are in control of you. Period.


  1. I would love to see you on my 'chopping board', you dumb bitch. As the victim, your knowledge of the working mind of a psychopath, such as myself, is based purely on Stockholm-syndromic affects.

    Talk soon.

  2. Well isn't the "world is against me" routine actually accurate? Just read what you have written and what you make others believe. While we may be deluding ourselves, you are not giving people who were born with this condition a chance to have a semblance of a normal life. This counts as a form of discrimination.

  3. Anonymous, you don't even make sense. Even if you were speaking the truth, you don't command any respect - why should anyone believe a liar?

    I don't care where her knowledge of such animals come from, at least she is alerting other people not to waste their pearls on swine. And she's doing a good thing for humanity. Pity psychopaths are so distorted they can't even see the value in that.

  4. These creeps are pathetic! They are all same & should not be allowed to reproduce! You can't explain anything to a P because they just don't get it...DUH!

  5. They come into peoples lives and completely and utterly destroy them!!! I don't know how...or when...but I'll be recovering for a long time after being with one for two and a half years.

    1. I was with my P for 3 years. As each day passes that I am not in contact with him, I am starting to feel further and further away from him. He already has another victim living with him now and I do feel that I was so easily replaced. that is what brought me to this page. I need to remember that it was not me that he was replacing... It was me that decided I deserved to be with a normal human being and I am much better off. 2-3 years is a long time and I thought this guy was my knight in shining armour. But I need to move on....Time will heal and we will be much better off as soon as enough time passes....Good Luck to you!!

  6. Peter Eugene Born is a psychopath and he is everything you are describing and more! Horrible!

  7. I have been in a 12 year relationship with an on and off again, up and down, turned inside out roller coaster ride. I did not understand what was going on with this man that I have loved so much. He has come in and out of my life and each time up till now, (He is 59 years old,) I truly believed that surely he was all grown up now and was ready for a faithful relationship. I WAS WRONG!!!!! I actually have had the priviledge to get to know a former girlfriend of his because while with me for 12 years, he has been with her off and on for 37 years and we found out about one another because he was seeing us at the same time as well as many other women and constant lies.His life is always one big secret that you are always questioning the stories he makes up. She is a wonderful woman and in our communication with each other we have discovered the horror that this man is a true psychopath, in ever single detail. OH WOW, we were both devastated and only thought of a psychopath as someone that murders people. NOT TRUE, only 4% of psychopaths kill others in death, but everyone one of them destroy anyone in their lives. We have both been so hurt and wounded from him and could not figure out how he could hurt people the way he does. Psychopaths hurt everyone in their lives because it is all about the GAME AND WINNING. Once they have that conquered, the game is NO LONGER FUN!!!! Then they discard you like a bag of trash but they will eventually come back to play the game again. You will never be completely out of their lives because they love to play you like a cat plays with a mouse and they will always come back again and again to bat you around and see if the old charm still works. Don't ever think they come back because of LOVE. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AND THINK OF LOVE AS WEAK. You are the game for them as they actually laugh while they continue to destroy you. You feel broken and they feel no remorse or ever acknowledge they have done anything wrong. Rare, but because I met one of the other women and we became wonderful friends and almost each others sanity to some degree. We had the same story and we researched and read books and came to the SHOCKING TRUTH THAT WE WERE WITH A PSYCHOPATH. BY THE WAY ANY ONE OUT THERE READING THIS, THEY DON'T CHANGE BECAUSE THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A PART OF THE BRAIN THAT IS MISSING AND THEY DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO UNDERSTANDING OR CARING IF THEY HURT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE ENOUGH BUT THE PSYCHOPATH WILL EAT YOU ALIVE AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD AND LAUGH WHILE THEY DESTROY YOU. GET OUT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HELP THEM AND WHEN YOU STAY LONG ENOUGH THEY WILL TAKE YOUR SOUL AND YOU WILL NOT EVER GET PAST ALL OF THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR LIFE. THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED, THEY LIKE WHAT THEY DO, BUT REMEMBER THIS: WHEN THEY ARE DONE, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WILL DESPERATELY NEED HELP BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO DEVASTATED YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE. LEAVE THEM AS SOON AS YOU CAN BECAUSE WE ALL DESERVE BETTER.

  8. Hi Anon,August 13- 2012, I was passionately in LOVE with a guy, it became very apparent that he was an Alcoholic and that his behaviour was v strange, he lied from day one but I let it go as really had the 'Hots' for him. The problem was I wasmarried but he said on first meeting that he would get me off my husband, anyway I lead a double life for over a year until my husband followed me one day and found out, it was a horrible time as he wanted to ,,,,,,, and it scared me, I wished that I hadn't ever married as I knew that I was in love with this Psycho but he wasn't mAn enough to deal with it, I was scared of me and him getting beaten up. This is how I would have dealt with Situation if I were him: I would have moved, he was only renting,he instead started (behind my back) to have sex with his neighbour across the corridor from him, They are so fickle, I was prepared to leave my husband for him but how can u trust such a person, he ticked all the boxes for a Psycho, sob story about a horrible childhood, so had I, they seem to speak your language and home into one's vunerable side, we cried a lot together, I felt so at ease with him but it was always tense as he was putting enormous pressure on me to leave my husband, he was drinking v heavily and I was doubtful as to his commitment to me, I went to a Counsellor for advice, to be continued...... ELIZABETH

  9. I REALLY WELCOME YOUR CONTRIBUTION AND ACCOUNT OF WHAT CONSTITUATES A psychopath, they are very charming at the start and wheel one in(reel even) before you know it, day one even, u are besotted, they are very touchy-feely people that make one feel sooh special and I was immediately 'Iurned on', incredible as I HAD BURIED THAT SIDE (SEX) I told him I was married but yhe fact that I met him in a pub during the day (on my own) he interpreted as a sign that I WAS NOT HAPPY. He kissed me in the pub on that day, I felt flattered and it was so nice I left feeling wonderful, I was on cloud nine. I told my husband that night that I had met my new Best Friend, he hadn't a clue what I was about......... to be continued as need to sleep


  11. Scott peter garry woodard, residing hackbridge, surrey is a psychopath. The things this creep has said and done are like something from a movie. Not a nice guy as he would love the world to believe.

  12. They never, ever, ever change. I learned this with my psychopathic father.
    Over the years, growing up, my mother sacrificed 20 years, thinking he would eventually change. They only got married because they had a baby (me). The red flags were waving all over him from the very start with his temper tantrums and bad behavior. Nothing was ever, ever his fault. The first paragraph of this blog is spot on. The long winding speeches about how he is right, and you are wrong and he has no reason to apologize, but for some reason you should, because it's your fault for what?

    He would have some insane freak out moments and become incredibly violent, and then not even remember it. When he did remember it, he described his actions as if my mom did it, or I did it. This really messed with my brain was a kid. My psychopath had some really bad drug problems, that he would try to cover up. Smoking Pot, Crack, Cocaine, Meth, you name it. We caught him with everything imaginable. All washed down with Alcohol at the same time.

    They never change at all. Mine in particular was a scum bag, that liked hanging around trashy crack heads and wife beaters. My mother had another kid when I was 5, and she sacrificed 20 years to raise us, and she tried EVERYTHING to straighten my old man up and get him off drugs and stop being a jerk all the time. Nothing it ever worked. In his mind, he was innocent, it was always her, and us that were doing things to him.

    To be told you are nothing but a burden and how much your father hates your guts when you refuse to smoke dope with him as a 17 year old, it hurts you deep down if you have feelings. We all have bad childhoods. Mine, LOVED to tell us how bad he had it growing up so he was justified in creating a mirror image of his own psychopathic parent. The only person I can think of that is worse than my father, is HIS OWN father that he described, who sounded exactly like him. His own mother personally admitted to me, she abandoned him when he was only 16 because he acted just like his father (Lucky her, she dropped the scum bag and RAN as far as she could)

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  14. yep, my sister is a psychopath. she hurts and tries to ruin everyone she comes in contact with. She's charming alright, with a lot of sob stories and manipulation. They do not change, I've tried to understand her, forgiven her and tried to accept her as she is, but nope, a lot of things said on this thread is true, they'll keep coming back because you're a game and they'll try to destroy you over and over again. The best thing to do is stay far away and cut them off from your life completely. there's too much negativity in the world already, leave that psychopath behind and never look back.