Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Temper Tantrum

Have you ever noticed the pattern the psychopath or sociopath uses when they don't get their way? Maybe you were too busy at work to 'pay' attention to their specific need, maybe you travel a lot, maybe you are in school or have kids, either way, you are focused on another task or heaven forbid you have your own life.

Have you noticed that when THEY need something they will interupt you without a thought but if you really need something from them, they are unreachable, ignore your messages or take their sweet time to address you or to reciprocate a need you may have? When you ask them what took so long, they get upset and angry to the point they don't even want to talk to you.

Their needs are urgent and important but yours are not. They somehow work in that they are busier than you, more tired than you, not as financially secure as you, etc. Everything is about them!

I've dealt with many psychopaths in my life, I just didn't know it until the Jay incident. I didn't realize that anyone who abuses you verbally, mentally or physical carries traits on the psychopathy scale. I just lumped them into the asshole category but it's much deeper and scarier than just being an ass or a jerk.

They are nice at first, so nice that you think to yourselves, "Wow, I AM the luckiest girl in the world." While you are dancing on cloud 9 with stars in your eyes they change. But ever so slowly that you don't realize the little gripes and complaints they had over something just a few months ago, they found 'cute' about you as a person.

I would say that in all honesty, Jay was 'nice' for about the first month after I met him in person. I never did feel 'taken' care of by him but rather the opposite, it was he who needed constant taking care of. One of the first times he came over to my house he had some issues with his stomach. I rushed to the store to load him up on antacids, Imodium, and Preparation H. He had no idea how to administer Preperation H to his own ass. I jumped in like an expert nurse to coddle and take care of him. He relished the attention. From that moment on, I was the go to person for all things medical in his eyes. It was exhausting for me to tell him constantly over and over how to take Imodium or try to 'diagnose' why he was having stomach trauma. Telling him to, "just read the instructions" and it didn't work as he didn't seem to make sense of them. He would shoot back, "Hey, be nice to me." "I told you, I'm a late bloomer."

He told me that being a late bloomer meant he did not have sex until he was 22. He said he was socially awkward which I completely believe but I'm not so sure about the "I was a virgin until I was 22." He also cited the death of his mom for his apparent stunted growth when it came time to understand the back of a pack of Imodium. However, when she died, he was 26. So, whenever I would try and put the responsibility of something simple (like reading the directions on the back of an over the counter medicine) he would think it was mean of me to do so.

He acted like a very timid rabit until he felt uncomfortable and then he turned into a spiteful python. His anger was always right below the surface. He could be talking about something as innocuous as a song and then get pissed off enough to ignore me for days at a time. However, if I showed any sign of questioning or discontent or unhappiness, I was not allowed to have those feelings. He made quite sure that I didn't show him any sort of emotion unless I was happy and content. Basically I could not demand anything of him. I had to wait for him to dole out the morsels of attention to me. He acted as if I should be glad to get them.

Even more important, I could not be mad at him, he did not allow it. If I was upset about something I would have to wait until he was ready to talk about it. By the time that came around, it almost seemed like I was the foolish one to even bring it up.

Jay had several different ways of throwing his temper tantrum if he did not like what you were saying. He used one or all of them in the same instance. It would depend on how quickly he wanted to get me to snap back into submission. He also knew that I did not like to be dismissed. He was the master at dismissing me and my feelings. I would often tell him I felt punished by him but he turned that back around on me and tell me he was NOT punishing me. He was taking 'his time' and that meant I had to give it to him. HIS TIME consisted of his silence. It was pure punishment.

1. Anger
2. Poor Me, Sympathy, Tears
3. Distance
4. Leaving
5. Limited to No Communication, ie Punishment
6. Excuses
7. Manipulation

Examples

Raised voice (Angry) or complete silence. If he was upset because he was questioned on something or if asked for something that he did not want to provide (typically just an answer about something that did not make sense to me) he would give me an excuse..."Wow, I am really tired, can we talk about this later?" If I pressed him it would turn to anger. In a heated voice, "I told you I didn't want to talk about this right now!!" Once I was hurt I didn't want to continue the conversation. Then he would say, "What's the matter, don't you want to talk to me?" I felt like an animal that had just been kicked around. I did not want to talk to him but If I didn't, he would get upset over that and he may shut down for a few days. I didn't want that to happen so I would just change the subject until I could get off of the phone. I would just say that I was busy with work for a few days until I didn't feel so hurt.

If I said something about going out with my friends he would act jealous and he would pout. If I pointed out how he went out with his friends then it was a different story. He would say, "Don't you trust me?" During an exchange like this, he would blurt out things like, "Maybe you are losing interest in me." He would need reassurance and somehow the conversation would end up on him, rather than why I called in the first place.

If I said something that he felt was critical (and this could have been anything-serious or funny) (example-He would ask me, "Do you want me to bring over my box set of Transformer Cartoons?" I would say, "That's ok. I'm good on all things Transformers." He would say, "Wow, that's mean." Then he would be silent for hours. No phone calls, no IMs, texts, etc. A few days later he would say to me on IM, "You hurt my feelings." "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. I expected more from you." I would not understand why something like that would 'hurt' anyone. He acted like a puppy who had been spanked by a newspaper. I got to the point where I really couldn't say anything around him. I kept so many things to myself.

Jay could be talking to you and not sound like he was 'there.' Whether that be on IM or on the phone, he would tell me he felt depressed and to not mind him if he seemed distant. This happened quite a lot. He may start off the day with "I don't feel very attractive today." "Don't be upset if I don't feel like talking today." He was available for the pleasantries but very distant and could not handle any heavy conversation that consisted of anything except the Hi's and Bye's during the day. He had these days often. So often that I spoke to him about taking anti depressants. He did not like the thought of having to take something to help stabilize his moods, he did not feel like anything was really wrong with him.

The angry silence. When we had planned to see each other on New Years Eve 2008, he said that he may have other plans. I did not want to be rude but I was a bit hurt since we had made previous plans. Rather than start a fight, I just said, "Oh good for you." Then it was "Oh you don't want to see me?" I might sigh or say something to show him I was frustrated and he would say, "I've got to go." I would say, "What? You just called me a second ago, why do you have to go?" "I have things I need to do." I didn't hear from him for a few days. He often acted as if nothing was wrong the next time we spoke or chatted and expected the same from me. He did not like to be 'reminded' that I was upset.

He would call me and ask me silly little questions about how to handle this or that. If I didn't answer or was too busy to call him back right away he would mention that down the road, "Well, you never pick up your cell, why do you even have one." He may even resort to, "I guess you are just too busy for me." (GUILT) It was extremely passive aggressive. He may say it as a joke or a digg. However, If I needed to call him and he did not pick up, he was upset with me to the point of telling me that he thought I was "up his ass all of the time." That was his most favorite thing to tell me. So, whenever I needed something it was me being demanding but his constant needs were seen as something I should be glad to do for him.

When Jay would be late to my house, I would tell him that I would appreciate him being on time. I'm not talking about 30 minutes or less. I'm talking 1-3 hours late consistently. He immediately went into hurt puppy mode, defeated mode. He may turn that defeat into the "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you" speech. If I didn't want to fight with him I would forgive him. If I was frustrated with his behavior, I might say, "Why do you always have to say that?" "What does it mean anyway?" From there he would talk about the traffic (EXCUSE) and that he was doing the best he could. Why wasn't that enough? He would say, "You don't act like you are happy to see me." I was angry. He would show up and bitch about this and that as though coming out to see me was such a hassle. At the point it became too much for me, I would sit down and start crying. I just couldn't believe he could be so mean. Then he would annouce he was leaving. (Punishment and Manipulation). If I asked him to stay, he would get angrier and act like my presence in my own house was bothering him. One time it did get violent when I went flying out of a door onto a deck as he pulled me with his right arm. Jay would say that I had caused his anger. That if I hadn't brought X up as a topic, then he wouldn't be forced to get angry. He would act as if it were my fault that he had to get upset. And this meant I had no right to be upset with him. He often said "I told you in the beginning this is how I am." As if this declaration was his 'disclaimer' on all future angry outbursts.

Jay was a master at the 'excuse' and he had them for everything. There was always an excuse. He can't clean his apartment because he's too tired. You are too tired for a year? He couldn't buy groceries because he worked long hours. He couldn't manage his money because he didn't make enough. He couldn't wash his own clothes because he was out of money and had no time. He couldn't buy something on Ebay because he wasn't sure how to search for it. He couldn't find the bathroom because the woman at the store was rude to him. It was always because of someone else or because of a situation that was out of his control. If only he had more time and money he could take care of the things that he should be doing anyway.

Jay used his tears like a nuclear weapon. The guy cried at any given moment. He knew that it made me feel bad and that it would stop whatever I was saying or doing and pay 100% attention to him. I thought he was depressed and he might have been but the tears he shed were a 'show' to endear me to him. The day Amy died he called me and used his 'fake' tears on the message. I really thought he was faking, he didn't sound like he was sad or upset. It sounded forced. He continued to use those same 'fake' tears with me when he wanted to talk about Amy. At this point I was doubting everything. Jay uses tears to get sympathy from women, men, people at his job, family and the limited amount of friends he has. He missed his mom. I could understand that. However, his mom died in 1998 and he still cried (like a baby) over it. As if it had just happened in the last year or so. He becomes severely depressed in August of each year because of his mom's date of death and birthday but he never goes out to visit her grave. Yet he will use this as the reason he will never leave Long Island.

He uses what is available to him. Words, silence, anger, his mom, Amy's death, his work hours etc to control what he wants, to obtain what he wants, guilt, everytime without fail. If he apologized, he did it to bring me back to something he needed or wanted not because he was truly sorry.

Dr. Robert Hare says this about psychopaths in his book Without Conscience:

Poor behavior controls

In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Although psychopaths have a "hair trigger" and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths "blow their stack" it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are "cold;" they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper.

It's not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation.



Saturday, June 6, 2009

Great Article from Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths

Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths posted this great article from this site: http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/ To read the entire article in addition to other very valuable information, please visit this site today.

This article specifically describes the experiences I had with Jay Capozello. He was a constant drain on my time, my attention AND my resources. He is absolutely diabolical and without empathy or remorse for any of his past actions. I will be posting chat logs soon so that you can tell from the way he wrote how he used the below points to feed his never ending ego and need for adoration and attention.

Jay Capozello is a cold and calculated predator who will get rid of you whenever you have served your purpose to him. His 'nice' guy ploy is just that, a ploy. He kept Amy on an emotional rollercoaster, pushing her away when he wanted to see his other girlfriend and then pulling her close when he was lonely or needed money or sex or food.

It's been 4 months since Amy's death. Today there is a benefit for her memory and to donate to the fund of the people affected by the fire.

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the e motional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming self comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The narcissist does not only feed of adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed. Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims. Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.

He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.

Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.