Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Mel Gibson and his rants...and blame...

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about Mel Gibson's rants against former girlfriend and mother of his child. I'm sure that most of you who have actually listened to the tapes felt deja vu all over again. If you haven't heard the tapes, you can find them at Radaronline.com

I'm not sure if Mel is a psychopath but he obviously has issues. Big ones. He's very easily angered for one. When I heard him say, "I own you" I had flashbacks. When he said,"I'm going to give you one more chance" I thought this is all so familiar. When he said, "You are nothing. You have no soul" perhaps he is reflecting on himself.

You are a C#$@, Whore, Bitch, etc he tells her endlessly. He elevates himself and lowers her to 'unworthy' status. This is no news, to those who have lived with a narcissist, alcoholic, abuser, we know all too well how familiar these words are.

When she retorts that she is a 'marionette' and has to 'walk on eggshells', well, we know what this means too. He made death threats to her, threatened to burn the house down, punched her in the face, gave her a concussion....how long before he snaps and does something worse? When she says she will call the police, he acts like most do, he tells her she is weak and he is strong and that he handles his own affairs. He admitted that she didn't have any friends, I'm sure by his design.

The media has crucified her too. Calling her a gold digger. Saying she had no right to have tapes like that without his knowledge. I disagree. I say she had every right. The legal system says that when you go to fight for custody you must have proof that you were battered, beaten or threatened. Most women do not call the police and file the report. If her medical records show what she alleges great but the tapes (to me) are icing on the cake. Again I love how the media make it the woman's fault and that he was just 'reacting' to her. She's a gold digger, it's her fault she got a concussion, and her teeth knocked out. She's the one pushing 'his' buttons. Blah blah blah blah blah.

His problems didn't start though with Oksana. He's had his tirades before. He's gone off on other non-white races. He views women as objects and that is evident when he says, "You should smile and blow me" "I deserve it".... or when he called a female office 'sugar tits' after she pulled him over. I can think of several things he deserves and a BJ isn't one of them. He's admitted he was Bi-Polar and an alcoholic. Bi-Polar behavior is certainly off the charts depending on how bad the disorder is and how often it is cycling. Bi-Polars need medication to help them stabilize their emotions. He's clearly in denial about having a mental disorder, needing therapy or medication. At this point, he should stop calling her but it will be his need to feel control that will keep these rants going.

For those people who have defended him in the past it is time to see who he really is. The religious conservatives. The pundits who have taken his side when it was clear he had disturbed thoughts. When people talk about killing other people in anger it needs to be taken seriously. Jay would always say similar things about African Americans and Jewish people in his rants. Look at Jesse James. Posing in pictures clearly denoting a 'Hitler' influence. Somehow this type of person thinks they are above the other races. That the other races are impure and 'deserve' to be treated as such. People who have 'race' issues usually have other issues. Anger, deep seeded anger and an inability to reason.

Of course people from all over and commenting on whether or not they will continue to see his movies. People are debating if she has set him up. People are saying men need to assert themselves and let the women know where they stand in a relationship. Incredible I know. The bigger picture is scary and a reflection of our society as a whole. People want to find excuses for the behavior and not really look at the real epidemic. They want to blame the victim and say she probably deserved it because she was out for his money. I'm sure people said the same thing about Nicole Brown Simpson.

If Mel is the victim of a gold digger, why didn’t he call it quits? In the second tape he tells he will give her one more chance. He tells her what a “blankety blank blank” she is and how she has destroyed him but HE will give her another chance. He admitted to hitting her and has not once apologized. IF he is the victim then why didn’t he just refuse to talk to her again, get his attorney and then support his child. End of story. He didn’t need to call her up and demand that she stop using the nanny, a lawyer could have done that. Does he not have any self control? Why didn’t he simply walk away?

It is quite clear that he needs to have control and exert his control via threats and physical harm. To me, that’s not a man, that’s a coward. The debate over what he has done is not about his ability as an actor or any talent he may possess as a director. This is how he treats his peers, this is what he thinks of his co workers. This is how he acts when he’s not acting. If I were Whoopi Goldberg, I’d be offended by his comments. If I were a female actress, I wouldn’t want to do a scene with him ever. If I were a Jewish movie producer, I wouldn’t finance another picture for him. This is how he acts when he thinks no one is listening.

Mel Gibson, OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen all have the same issue. They feel entitled to lie, abuse, berate, strike, verbally abuse, cheat (Tiger Woods and Jesse James) on their wives and girlfriends. How many more men fit this mold. Too many. Abuse is never OK. Ever.

Personally I hope Mel goes to jail for hitting her. Charlie Sheen got off easy. OJ got off too easy. Too many get off easy. Where is the justice? There is a place that men go who cannot control their emotions, prison.

To me, hearing these tapes, while difficult only shows me that there are men out there that act like rageful, vindictive, threatening ogres in private but in person they are the nicest people you'd ever meet. I guess in a way it's proof for all of the victims of rage that this is how it sounds, how it feels and how the backlash exists against the victims. Just having some proof makes me feel validated in a world where the victim too often gets the blame. And yes, there is a little smile on my face as I write this post. Just a tiny one, for all of the victims.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Getting lumped in with all the 'bad guys' 'jerk's' etc...

I get a lot of comments from men who think that sites like this are only for those women who were in a 'bad' relationship. This is beyond 'bad' for the record. This is beyond a few white lies and forgiveness. This is like emotional rape.

Understand there are several factors that go into determining whether or not someone is a sociopath or psychopath. Hollywood has thrown those words around to mean a serial killer. Society uses those words to describe someone who is crazy, mentally unstable or just plain weird. That's not what this site is. This site is dedicated to true psychopaths/sociopaths.

There is a difference between a bad relationship. A bad relationship can come from people who just don't mesh together once they really get to know each other. If one of them is co-dependent then it's harder to let go. If there are other mental illnesses in play, it may be even harder to break the push and pull that couples find themselves in when trying to leave a relationship. We all get comfortable, we second guess ourselves. We get jealous if we think the other person likes someone or pays more attention to other people. The differences are that when you feel unhappy about something in your relationship and you bring it to the attention of the other person they have a chance to either see where you are coming from or disagree. If they can 'empathize' with your position and let you know that it is not what they meant then things can be mended and life can go on. If they can't agree and think the entire problem is you then you may have a real problem. If they start berrating you, yelling at you, making you feel bad for having these feelings then it's time to move along because you will not get very far with this type of person.

People fight. Trust is broken. Sane people either make up or they break up with no issues other than the relationship didn't work out. Sure you may call each other jerks but when the emotions are in check you will be able to categorize the issues that were truly your fault and his. You will be able to place blame and accept responsibility for where you messed up or for where he messed up. The end of relationships with psychopaths are different. They will continue to find reasons to contact you. They will make it sound like they are even 'concerned' about you. They do this to get you to let your guard down. Once the guard is down, they will be back to their old tricks. It's a guarantee.

When you are with a psychopath you will continually be in a state of chaos, fighting, wondering if you can trust him when he's not with you. If you are a mentally stable person you will recognize the patterns well. If you are not mentally stable due to how the psychopath treats you or due to your own mental illness then you will need to have an unbiased third party to help you sort things out. A therapist or friend that you can count on is a good start. I promise, he will confuse the hell out of you and you won't know if he's a good person or a bad one. One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day.

When other people hear about these relationships they don't understand why someone wouldn't just leave. The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great. There is a key factor in people who allow psychopaths to control their lives. And it's not because they are not smart. Many smart women find themselves in the middle of relationships that are toxic but they know they can't leave. They lack the emotional strength it takes to actually leave. The psychopath will be baiting them and looking for ways to keep debilitating you. Things will seem normal for awhile. Then he will destabilize you. You will feel guilt or that you have to 'prove' to him you are worthy of him. You spend so much time trying to prove you are worthy that you become emotionally drained. This is why it's so much easier to just live with an abuser. They wear you down so much that you can't find the strength to leave them. They alienate you from your friends and family so that you don't have a support system or a place to go for protection. He will try all kinds of tricks. He will make you feel like he's so good to you or that no one will want you because you may be overweight, he will use whatever negative thing you think about yourself to crucify you with later. And the abusee will fall for it and stay. They will stop talking to their friends and family because after awhile someone will point out the obvious, 'why don't you just leave?' Scary thought. So if you end up NOT doing anything about the relationship eventually they will turn a deaf ear. Why should they care when you won't even help yourself? Pretty soon you will have cocooned yourself into a nice little ball where you are miserable with no relief in sight. You will wake up 8 years later and wonder how you got there.

So there is a big difference between a boyfriend who is a jerk and one who is a psychopath. Having a bad relationship and being a victim or someone's manipulation are two very different things. So, for all of the guys (or girls) out there who say this is just another bad relationship gone wrong, just another guy who didn't want you...I'm here to say differently. Read the entire blog, not just one entry before you decide.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Con Men, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Liars, Cheats.....can you trust anyone?

What do we call these people? What do other people call these people? What do they call themselves?

There seems to be some confusion about is this guy a psychopath? sociopath? liar? cheater? con man? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of these people, you are sure to lose.

A lot of people think that a con man is just a happy go lucky, live by the seat of your pants kinda person who may con you out of your money, your possessions, etc. You've been conned, duped, tricked and while you are still alive and breathing, no great harm has come to you. Right? Wrong.

A Con-Man is described as a Confident Man, using a trick to deceive. The movies have portrayed this character from a fun loving guy down on his luck just trying to score a buck to a villian who is out for much more. It's like a con is just trying to make an honest dollar and we should cut him/her some slack cause they are just trying to get back on their feet, play robin hood or provide for their family.

I love this: MOST people when they hear my story will say, "OH, you are a scorned woman, bitter, out for revenge, you were conned, duped, move on with your life." Even some of my best friends glossed over my feelings, saying "good riddance, you're strong you will bounce back," and the famous, "don't waste too much time thinking about him and all that has happened." As if one could just say, "Yes, you are right, how silly of me, two days of grieving and I should be back to my old self."

Trust is a funny thing. Trust perpetuates how we move along in life. Trust allows us to wake up, get in our car/taxi/subway and be assured we will not be in an accident. We do this routine so routinely the 'trust' part of our thinking is just there. We just know nothing will happen. (Unless you have OCD-which is another post entirely). But then something happens, car bombs, drive by shootings, plane crashes, 9-11, train derailments. Depending how close we are to these tragedies will actually decide how safe we feel. Feeling safe is a form of trust.

Forming a trust bond with a human is a basic human need. In order to perpetuate relationships, we have to trust the other person with our most valued asset, our hearts. When you delve into the trust of another person your confidence shows. Some people have to trust before they can love. So, what is trust? When someone knows something about you that would be embarrassing to you if the general public knew, it's trust. Or is it? You tell all of your secrets to someone, fears, hopes and dreams. Is it trust just to tell another person? Or does trust form from being in a vulnerable situation and the person who has the info on you does nothing with it. I'll give you an example. I've often told secrets to people I've trusted, negative things about myself or my perceived self. These have included hopes and dreams for my future. Let's say me and my boyfriend are play arguing about subject X and he jokes about something that I've secretly told him. I get offended. My feelings get hurt. Is this life threatening? No, probably not but it stung. A few days later we are in a heated argument and he throws back one of my secrets as if it's a negative. Now I am hurt and hurt more deeply than the sting. My realization is, can I trust this person? You have to go through good and bad to be able to answer this question, which is why it's a good idea to know someone for awhile to develop a real sense of security and trust.

Trust is built when our vulnerabilities are exposed and a person can take advantage of them by hurting us but chooses not to. Trust is a very mature emotion.

When women/men write to me, they will use this word TRUST a lot! I trusted him/her. Out of all of my friends, I put this person above all others and just knew they would never hurt me. Really?

If you are human expect some pain or hurt along the path of life. Someone will betray the trust you gave them. It could be anyone. A family member, a friend, a boss, etc. To think that someone could never hurt you surely is a mis-reprenstation of being human. I think when people talk about trust, they really mean how they allowed the trust they had in someone to be misplaced. Trust is earned. Too many people give it away freely. Most of these relationships where trust is blown to bits starts in a very quick way when things should be going incredibly slow. People move in with others, marry, have children etc with people they barely know. Then they are up in arms over how they got hurt and how they never thought this person was capable of hurt. My best advice is to slowly give out your trust when it is earned. When words match actions, for longer than a 6 month period you can start to give away some of your trust.

If you go back and find that point where you started having doubts in your relationship, chances are it is well within the 6 month mark. There were signs that you ignored. In some cases big red flags. The desire to have Mr. Perfect was too great to heed these danger signs. Everyone wants love, comfort, a safe place to let their emotions go. Just understand this only comes with time and placing yourself into situations where your trust is protected rather than violated. Put yourself first and do not settle for anything less than what you want. If you allow someone to talk you into something you really don't want, you will only berrate yourself down the road. Learn the signs of what to look for. At the minute of a bad feeling, run, don't walk, run!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A year to remember.....

It's been a year since I heard of the death of Amy Yeung and a year since my life was turned upside down, inside out and rightside up. It's been an interesting year and a year of healing. It's also been a year of cutting out all of the TOXIC people in my life, for good. Nothing has felt better than taking back my own voice and breath.I've moved to Chicago and I'm surrounded by my family. Life is finally what I say it is.

Most importantly it's been a year of introspection and honesty, brutal honesty. I am no longer the one who bends for the needs of others. I put my family and myself first. I can spot a user, an abuser, a psychopath, a narcissist a mile away. I refuse to work for a boss, have a friend or a family member with these traits. They will never change and there's nothing I can do to make them change. If I allow myself a relationship with one of these personalities, my life will be right back to where I was, an emotional mess. A ball of anxiety always doing and afraid of not doing.

I've learned this year that most 'average' people do not understand the term psychopath nor the inner workings of the damage one can do to a life. When I've tried to tell my family or a close friend, they may nod their head but until you've lived it, it's a hard concept to grasp. I can see where victims have probably thought their own friends, even their own counselors and psychologists don't 'get' it. And they probably don't. While the victim is healing they get pulled back in to the psychopath's needs, wants, etc. The minute they think they are strong enough to stand on their own, something happens and they are left vulnerable and weak. It's at these crucial moments that your brain has to kick in and make the logical decision, not the emotional one.

Everyone has heard the old story about the two women, a mother and daughter who cut the Christmas ham in half and used two pans. When asking the daughter why she did that, she did not know. She called her mother to ask her why it was necessary to cut the ham in half. Her mother laughed and told her, "Because, I never had a pan that was big enough for the entire ham." We often do things without realizing why we do them.

This is true with the pattern of behavior the psychopath they have erratic moods-we try to calm them. They have good days of love and care-we soak those up. They have days when they would just as soon spit on you-and we are left wondering why they are treating us like shit. Yet we come back for more. Why? Until you figure that out for yourself you will only find yourself in more degrading and abusive type relationships. Hopefully you are strong enough to see the emotional roller coaster they keep us on and realize they will never change and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to make them change. Nothing.

I read lots of articles with women asking the same questions over and over. He's cheating but he's apologized but then they see it's happening again. He's hit you but he's apologized and yet it happens again. He makes a promise to do something for you and then freaks out when you 'make a huge deal about it.' The women in these relationships are miserable and fake the smiles to their family and friends because they really don't know what to think. Some will think they are the problem and do everything and anything to fix it. It may even garner positive attention at first but soon things will float back to the way they were.

Men can be really hard headed and stubborn when they hear us women 'bitching' about our relationships. There are men who want to say, "Well, your just emotional because he hurt you, now you want revenge." Or "He broke up with you, just get over it already." My personal favorite from the psychopath himself, "She's lying, she just wants me back."

It is true that many women fall into the role of 'crazy stalker' after their love, their bf, husband was caught cheating, lying or stealing. I'm not saying that women are crazy stalkers but their behavior would indicate they are the one with the issue. Here's what lies beneath their actions.

1. Many women want explanations, closure. However, psychopaths are quick to dismiss you, tell you to get out, break up with you in voice mail, email, text message. Because they cannot take blame, they don't believe they are at fault, so whose fault is it? Anyone, just never them.

2. Women will hang out where they work (especially if they have been cheated on) to catch a glimpse of him and to see if he's with a new girl.

3. Women will drive by his house to see if his car is there or more importantly if someone else is.

4. Women will call incessantly in hopes they will pick up the phone. Women think if they can get just a few minutes of their 'time' then we can either change their minds about us or get some sort of explanation.

5. Women will barrage with emails, texts-especially if they are drunk and feel lonely.


If a woman finds any of these true, the more 'crazy' they will become. The less contact the psychopath gives them, the 'crazier' they will become in their actions. Many times the psychopath will file stalking charges against the true victim, victimizing them even more. The entire time manipulating the system that is supposed to deal with them ends up catering to and condoning their behaviors because this is how the psychopath operates.

If you are in a frenzy in your own relationship, the best advice I can give to you would be to get out. If you are in a toxic friendship, get out. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, but it will be the best for you. Afraid of being alone? That's the main reason women stay. That and the self esteem has been beaten to hell. You don't need to waste time on someone who won't even appreciate everything you do. Do whatever it takes, save your money, move out when he isn't home, save your own life.

Amy wasn't lucky. From what I have heard, her behavior bordered on 'crazy stalker' but I have a feeling she wasn't crazy or a stalker. She was being controlled and manipulated by a psychopath, which was making her question her own sanity. I heard about all of the things she bought for Jay Capozello. He just used her and threw her away when he was done. But when he needed something, attention, a free meal, a new video game, a PS3, he would call her up and talk about how much he missed her. She did anything for his attention. The day before she died, she called him up and begged him to come over, threatening suicide via Ambien. He went. The next day she was dead. He was the last person to see her alive.

Amy didn't have a year to reflect on her own life and to make changes. Don't become another lifeless victim at the hands of a psychopath. Change your life.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Letting go of the Toxic People

We all have New Year’s Resolutions, Revelations, and Revolutions. If yours is to let go of the TOXIC people in your life then you must realize that this is a very hard thing to do. You'll have to be 100% honest in your definition of TOXIC. Toxic people have a way of slithering into our lives when our radars are down and up. They can sneak by the most careful guard. They do this by finding out where you are weak. How do you decide who is toxic? If they drain you, make you feel bad about yourself, hurt you physically, emotionally, degrade you, demand from you, etc. If you see their number on your caller ID and your stomach turns, they are probably toxic. If you see an email from them pop into your inbox and you get anxious, they are probably toxic. If you try to get through a conversation without pissing them off, they are probably toxic. If you feel dread knowing you have to spend time with them, they are probably toxic. If you are doing all of the work, getting nothing in return except guilt, pain and feeling depressed then it's time to make a change. You are in control on how slight the change is. But you must remember to keep your boundaries set and only do what you want to do. The problem with allowing a psychopath into your life is they will never respect your boundaries but demand you respect theirs. Any time a relationship leaves you feeling like a child rather than an adult is toxic and changes need to be made. The first change begins with you. Be strong, be firm and keep the long term goal in sight. Take baby steps and know you will have days and nights where you have convinced yourself they are not that bad. Change is a gradual process as is healing. Be safe.