Thursday, March 11, 2010

Con Men, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Liars, Cheats.....can you trust anyone?

What do we call these people? What do other people call these people? What do they call themselves?

There seems to be some confusion about is this guy a psychopath? sociopath? liar? cheater? con man? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of these people, you are sure to lose.

A lot of people think that a con man is just a happy go lucky, live by the seat of your pants kinda person who may con you out of your money, your possessions, etc. You've been conned, duped, tricked and while you are still alive and breathing, no great harm has come to you. Right? Wrong.

A Con-Man is described as a Confident Man, using a trick to deceive. The movies have portrayed this character from a fun loving guy down on his luck just trying to score a buck to a villian who is out for much more. It's like a con is just trying to make an honest dollar and we should cut him/her some slack cause they are just trying to get back on their feet, play robin hood or provide for their family.

I love this: MOST people when they hear my story will say, "OH, you are a scorned woman, bitter, out for revenge, you were conned, duped, move on with your life." Even some of my best friends glossed over my feelings, saying "good riddance, you're strong you will bounce back," and the famous, "don't waste too much time thinking about him and all that has happened." As if one could just say, "Yes, you are right, how silly of me, two days of grieving and I should be back to my old self."

Trust is a funny thing. Trust perpetuates how we move along in life. Trust allows us to wake up, get in our car/taxi/subway and be assured we will not be in an accident. We do this routine so routinely the 'trust' part of our thinking is just there. We just know nothing will happen. (Unless you have OCD-which is another post entirely). But then something happens, car bombs, drive by shootings, plane crashes, 9-11, train derailments. Depending how close we are to these tragedies will actually decide how safe we feel. Feeling safe is a form of trust.

Forming a trust bond with a human is a basic human need. In order to perpetuate relationships, we have to trust the other person with our most valued asset, our hearts. When you delve into the trust of another person your confidence shows. Some people have to trust before they can love. So, what is trust? When someone knows something about you that would be embarrassing to you if the general public knew, it's trust. Or is it? You tell all of your secrets to someone, fears, hopes and dreams. Is it trust just to tell another person? Or does trust form from being in a vulnerable situation and the person who has the info on you does nothing with it. I'll give you an example. I've often told secrets to people I've trusted, negative things about myself or my perceived self. These have included hopes and dreams for my future. Let's say me and my boyfriend are play arguing about subject X and he jokes about something that I've secretly told him. I get offended. My feelings get hurt. Is this life threatening? No, probably not but it stung. A few days later we are in a heated argument and he throws back one of my secrets as if it's a negative. Now I am hurt and hurt more deeply than the sting. My realization is, can I trust this person? You have to go through good and bad to be able to answer this question, which is why it's a good idea to know someone for awhile to develop a real sense of security and trust.

Trust is built when our vulnerabilities are exposed and a person can take advantage of them by hurting us but chooses not to. Trust is a very mature emotion.

When women/men write to me, they will use this word TRUST a lot! I trusted him/her. Out of all of my friends, I put this person above all others and just knew they would never hurt me. Really?

If you are human expect some pain or hurt along the path of life. Someone will betray the trust you gave them. It could be anyone. A family member, a friend, a boss, etc. To think that someone could never hurt you surely is a mis-reprenstation of being human. I think when people talk about trust, they really mean how they allowed the trust they had in someone to be misplaced. Trust is earned. Too many people give it away freely. Most of these relationships where trust is blown to bits starts in a very quick way when things should be going incredibly slow. People move in with others, marry, have children etc with people they barely know. Then they are up in arms over how they got hurt and how they never thought this person was capable of hurt. My best advice is to slowly give out your trust when it is earned. When words match actions, for longer than a 6 month period you can start to give away some of your trust.

If you go back and find that point where you started having doubts in your relationship, chances are it is well within the 6 month mark. There were signs that you ignored. In some cases big red flags. The desire to have Mr. Perfect was too great to heed these danger signs. Everyone wants love, comfort, a safe place to let their emotions go. Just understand this only comes with time and placing yourself into situations where your trust is protected rather than violated. Put yourself first and do not settle for anything less than what you want. If you allow someone to talk you into something you really don't want, you will only berrate yourself down the road. Learn the signs of what to look for. At the minute of a bad feeling, run, don't walk, run!


  1. The people who say things like "you're just a bitter person, a victim, etc, get a move on..." are parroting the psychopaths - that's exactly what they say to victims. That's because they have no ability to care. They don't feel, so they wonder why you need to. They despise and have contempt for others. I would never tell my story to someone whom I suspect to be a psychopath. And anyone that parrots a psychopath should be made aware that unless he/she wants to be labelled one, he/she should stop that garbage because that's what it is, plain rubbish.

    1. I agree. My ex husband is a psychopath and I just figured it out! After a 12 year marriage and 3 year separation ending (thankfully) in divorce. All his secret lives and lies have fully come out and I cant believe it took me so long to find out. I think mainly because I would have NEVR expected it always chose the easy answer to my questions. The feeling of being duped and manipulated and like you have no sense of what was real is the worst part. I think many people find this hard to relate to unless it has happened to them and may say, "move on, good riddens, you're better off (which is all true)" and people like him including his mom "your just old and jealous, your ditzy, crazy bitter etc" leaves me trying to figure out how to cope with my anger at being sold a bill of goods that he never had any intention of filling. I wasted lots of years....and books you recommend?

  2. Hi LuckyGirl, I came across your blog site. Let me tell you, I had the very same thing happen to me by an online predator. We even went so far as marrying and having a little girl together. I realized the full blown reality too late, but I had plenty of the warning signs, red flags, and nagging bad feelings before it got too far, as well as concerned friends and family trying to warn me. Basically God did everything He could to show me the truth, but I just was so overwhelmed by the romance and draw of this guy. I was in a very vulnerable time of my life when I met him online. He is the typical womanizer, liar, cheat. My father even found a site where people said he was a con man, etc early on, but I refused to believe it because I had been duped so bad. Just like you, I never, ever thought I would fall prey to someone like this, I have found it otherwise and it is humiliating in a sense. And yes you are right, when you are lied to what hurts the most is the realization that we weren't worth the truth or respect. It blows my mind how easily he lies and how good at he is. He befriends women on the internet, lies about who is, his profession, financial status and then it just becomes a huge web of deceit, I have caught him doing this since we married. Because of my situation I couldn't just leave, but as soon as I'm finished with a degree program I am in I am gone. What you put about Jay I could just erase out his name and put in my own cyberpredator's name and it would all fit perfectly. People like this must have some kind of mental illness for them to be so eerily similar. I do feel that I have learned some valuable lessons about these type of men and will run like h-e-double sticks if I ever encounter another one like the one I've had the misfortune to encounter. I am so sorry you had to go through your horrible experience as I have too.

  3. Good Morning Ladies! so its not just me who got duped!!! This man took it all. Heart, soul and my health. Yes he left me with a disease. Nice.
    No question - he took it all. Will I get on with my life, you bet, but I cant hep but wonder will the same woman emerge once the grieving process is over? Until then, I sign off STUNG to the core...

    1. Im sorry and I feel the exact same way....Im lucky I did not get a disease but I did find out my husband was sleeping with hookers and trippers for years! Probably our entire marriage. Yuk. And this is terrible, but two weeks before a mastectomy for breast cancer I just learned that he called a hooker to out first family home before we even moved in while he was painting. Talk about complete lack of feeling, emotion, guilt. He still just claims he did these things with extreme casual demeanor as if it was nothing at all.

  4. Hi LuckyGirl: After reading your post, I feel that finally someone else in the Universe understands what I went through and I am still going through. It's amazing how much damage sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcs can cause. XYZ person from my life would lie, cheat, steal, covet others, project blame onto everyone else. Play mind-rape games, overspend, exploit women, exploit business partners, make fun of everyone. Live life like one big roller coaster or a big game. He views everyone like chess pieces to be used and discarded. Sad, but true. No remorse, not a care in the world. The other thing that would really jerk my chain was he pretends to have found God or Jesus or this religious cover up act. It's ridiculous. Do some of these guys really think they can be that bad in life, just repent, and think they can keep pulling the wool time and time again? Come on! Family members, friends, all say LET IT GO, GET OVER IT, MOVE ON, LIVE A BETTER LIFE THAT'S THE BEST REVENGE. Once these type of people enter your life, put a big stain on it, it's hard to ever be the same or trust again. Who knows? Maybe, someday I can put at least 10% trust in another human being. But, that's even a long stretch. Hopefully, they are held accountable to higher power someday. Thank you for letting me vent.