Monday, July 12, 2010

Getting lumped in with all the 'bad guys' 'jerk's' etc...

I get a lot of comments from men who think that sites like this are only for those women who were in a 'bad' relationship. This is beyond 'bad' for the record. This is beyond a few white lies and forgiveness. This is like emotional rape.

Understand there are several factors that go into determining whether or not someone is a sociopath or psychopath. Hollywood has thrown those words around to mean a serial killer. Society uses those words to describe someone who is crazy, mentally unstable or just plain weird. That's not what this site is. This site is dedicated to true psychopaths/sociopaths.

There is a difference between a bad relationship. A bad relationship can come from people who just don't mesh together once they really get to know each other. If one of them is co-dependent then it's harder to let go. If there are other mental illnesses in play, it may be even harder to break the push and pull that couples find themselves in when trying to leave a relationship. We all get comfortable, we second guess ourselves. We get jealous if we think the other person likes someone or pays more attention to other people. The differences are that when you feel unhappy about something in your relationship and you bring it to the attention of the other person they have a chance to either see where you are coming from or disagree. If they can 'empathize' with your position and let you know that it is not what they meant then things can be mended and life can go on. If they can't agree and think the entire problem is you then you may have a real problem. If they start berrating you, yelling at you, making you feel bad for having these feelings then it's time to move along because you will not get very far with this type of person.

People fight. Trust is broken. Sane people either make up or they break up with no issues other than the relationship didn't work out. Sure you may call each other jerks but when the emotions are in check you will be able to categorize the issues that were truly your fault and his. You will be able to place blame and accept responsibility for where you messed up or for where he messed up. The end of relationships with psychopaths are different. They will continue to find reasons to contact you. They will make it sound like they are even 'concerned' about you. They do this to get you to let your guard down. Once the guard is down, they will be back to their old tricks. It's a guarantee.

When you are with a psychopath you will continually be in a state of chaos, fighting, wondering if you can trust him when he's not with you. If you are a mentally stable person you will recognize the patterns well. If you are not mentally stable due to how the psychopath treats you or due to your own mental illness then you will need to have an unbiased third party to help you sort things out. A therapist or friend that you can count on is a good start. I promise, he will confuse the hell out of you and you won't know if he's a good person or a bad one. One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day.

When other people hear about these relationships they don't understand why someone wouldn't just leave. The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great. There is a key factor in people who allow psychopaths to control their lives. And it's not because they are not smart. Many smart women find themselves in the middle of relationships that are toxic but they know they can't leave. They lack the emotional strength it takes to actually leave. The psychopath will be baiting them and looking for ways to keep debilitating you. Things will seem normal for awhile. Then he will destabilize you. You will feel guilt or that you have to 'prove' to him you are worthy of him. You spend so much time trying to prove you are worthy that you become emotionally drained. This is why it's so much easier to just live with an abuser. They wear you down so much that you can't find the strength to leave them. They alienate you from your friends and family so that you don't have a support system or a place to go for protection. He will try all kinds of tricks. He will make you feel like he's so good to you or that no one will want you because you may be overweight, he will use whatever negative thing you think about yourself to crucify you with later. And the abusee will fall for it and stay. They will stop talking to their friends and family because after awhile someone will point out the obvious, 'why don't you just leave?' Scary thought. So if you end up NOT doing anything about the relationship eventually they will turn a deaf ear. Why should they care when you won't even help yourself? Pretty soon you will have cocooned yourself into a nice little ball where you are miserable with no relief in sight. You will wake up 8 years later and wonder how you got there.

So there is a big difference between a boyfriend who is a jerk and one who is a psychopath. Having a bad relationship and being a victim or someone's manipulation are two very different things. So, for all of the guys (or girls) out there who say this is just another bad relationship gone wrong, just another guy who didn't want you...I'm here to say differently. Read the entire blog, not just one entry before you decide.

3 comments:

  1. WOW, I stumbled on to your blog and everything you said just clicked with my experience: "One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day." What scares me the most about my guy is that he is that it turns out that he has a wife and kids in addition to an endless supply of women in his doll collection (as I've come to see it). He is an officer in the Air Force and travels frequently so he hunts all over the world as well as looking for vulnerable women on base like the wives of deployed men, those in troubled relationships, single mothers, etc. I know others had their hearts carelessly broken before me and some have tried to stop him by reporting him, but his wife is in denial and blows it off and the Air Force doesn't seem to care with everything being a he said / she said while he blame shifts and projects...it's like it is totally acceptable and nobody cares and people say- just stay away from him and forget about it...mentally I get it, I'm not stupid, but again, as you say: "The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great." It is dibilitating. Anyway, that you for sharing your experience. It is helful to know that I'm not alone and I hope that people with our experiences can heal.

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  2. I stayed with an abuser, maybe a psychopath, for many years. I sought help because of all the turmoil, crazy-making, chaos, etc. It's not true that people will eventually ask you to leave. Not at all. In fact, even after he got into trouble with the law, counselors still didn't say to leave. And when I wanted to leave, many protested. Finally I left, and now, nearly a year later, I still get people calling me - they are the ones he has cried on. MANY people get duped and do not see the danger. I'm afraid that the mediator and the judge will not see it either. My poor kids have to grow up spending a lot of time with him. The older one hates him and will not spend one moment with him. Pity the younger ones. I could have got into trouble with the child protection services for not protecting the older one, but now I will get into trouble with the court for trying to protect my other ones. Funny, huh - you can't fight with a psychopath and win because they are intent on winning. You can only walk away.

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  3. I just wanted to say you are absolutely correct when you say being with a sociopath is equal to emotional rape. I was with one for 6 1/2 years and Im not a weak minded woman, but they can be very charming and convincing. They will slowly but surely take over your life using false love and being the person you want them to be. They give you lil crap shortly after doing something bad, like cheating. In my case I know of 4-8 women my ex has screwed over. He left us all broken hearted and will bills you name it. It took my ex less than a month to find his next victim in some cases he had 2 or 3 lined up to pick from along the way. Mine actually tried to convince me, my family and our friends that I was crazy and needed to be institutionalized. His intent that he stated to my best friend was to get custody of my son, therefor have my sons income. We never married, I wouldnt marry him because of his financial problems. This guy has been slipping through the cracks of the system for so long its unbelievable. He hasn't filed taxes in about 8 years, hes been running a biz that was shut down in 2004 in 4 states, California Tax Board is looking for him, Child Support Services is after him, California labor board awarded his former employee over $12k. Myself and my family put out about $20K to help him get custody of his son, who he still has and is not taking proper care of, His sons mother hasnt seen him in almost 2 years even though theres a visitation order. AND to top it all off hes in his Masters Degree Program at NMSU and he got there due to my mom co-signing for student loans that he isnt paying. He now has a new victim we shall see if shes just another stepping stone but so far looks like shes falling for all the same crap. Oh he also claims to have been in the Marine Corp for 8 years and I found proof it was less than 3, he claims to have been in Desert Storm yet he never finished school, he got out on a medical discharge before they could charge him with fraud for claiming a wife and child and he was never married to her. So he gets VA benefits then takes the Pain meds and sells them on the street. All this and I cant do a damn thing about it because he assaulted me in a hotel room when the cops showed up he lied and said i attacked him and I was arrested and charged. So until the charges are dismissed which we are working on I cant do anything to him cause in the eyes of the Law HE is the "Victim" when in actuality myself, my son and my whole family have been victimized by him. He will keep hurting women and children no matter what he has no conscience and no feelings. His son is 9 and not in school, I was homeschooling both boys, but he sure as heck makes sure he gets his masters degree. A real loving parent would take care of their child first. So here I sit waiting and going through legal proceedings paying for a lawyer i cant afford and he just goes on with life. Now hes convinced all HIS Friends what a poor victim he is and they gave him a job as an apartment manager and a truck to drive you name it. As long as he holds his position as a Black Belt instructor at the local Taekwondo Studio he has plenty of people to mooch off of that feel sorry for him and plenty of victims to choose from. I wish someone could stop him but I cant even notify the IRS where he is or the VA that hes selling his meds...how do you stop a monster like this?

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