Thursday, February 4, 2010

A year to remember.....

It's been a year since I heard of the death of Amy Yeung and a year since my life was turned upside down, inside out and rightside up. It's been an interesting year and a year of healing. It's also been a year of cutting out all of the TOXIC people in my life, for good. Nothing has felt better than taking back my own voice and breath.I've moved to Chicago and I'm surrounded by my family. Life is finally what I say it is.

Most importantly it's been a year of introspection and honesty, brutal honesty. I am no longer the one who bends for the needs of others. I put my family and myself first. I can spot a user, an abuser, a psychopath, a narcissist a mile away. I refuse to work for a boss, have a friend or a family member with these traits. They will never change and there's nothing I can do to make them change. If I allow myself a relationship with one of these personalities, my life will be right back to where I was, an emotional mess. A ball of anxiety always doing and afraid of not doing.

I've learned this year that most 'average' people do not understand the term psychopath nor the inner workings of the damage one can do to a life. When I've tried to tell my family or a close friend, they may nod their head but until you've lived it, it's a hard concept to grasp. I can see where victims have probably thought their own friends, even their own counselors and psychologists don't 'get' it. And they probably don't. While the victim is healing they get pulled back in to the psychopath's needs, wants, etc. The minute they think they are strong enough to stand on their own, something happens and they are left vulnerable and weak. It's at these crucial moments that your brain has to kick in and make the logical decision, not the emotional one.

Everyone has heard the old story about the two women, a mother and daughter who cut the Christmas ham in half and used two pans. When asking the daughter why she did that, she did not know. She called her mother to ask her why it was necessary to cut the ham in half. Her mother laughed and told her, "Because, I never had a pan that was big enough for the entire ham." We often do things without realizing why we do them.

This is true with the pattern of behavior the psychopath they have erratic moods-we try to calm them. They have good days of love and care-we soak those up. They have days when they would just as soon spit on you-and we are left wondering why they are treating us like shit. Yet we come back for more. Why? Until you figure that out for yourself you will only find yourself in more degrading and abusive type relationships. Hopefully you are strong enough to see the emotional roller coaster they keep us on and realize they will never change and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to make them change. Nothing.

I read lots of articles with women asking the same questions over and over. He's cheating but he's apologized but then they see it's happening again. He's hit you but he's apologized and yet it happens again. He makes a promise to do something for you and then freaks out when you 'make a huge deal about it.' The women in these relationships are miserable and fake the smiles to their family and friends because they really don't know what to think. Some will think they are the problem and do everything and anything to fix it. It may even garner positive attention at first but soon things will float back to the way they were.

Men can be really hard headed and stubborn when they hear us women 'bitching' about our relationships. There are men who want to say, "Well, your just emotional because he hurt you, now you want revenge." Or "He broke up with you, just get over it already." My personal favorite from the psychopath himself, "She's lying, she just wants me back."

It is true that many women fall into the role of 'crazy stalker' after their love, their bf, husband was caught cheating, lying or stealing. I'm not saying that women are crazy stalkers but their behavior would indicate they are the one with the issue. Here's what lies beneath their actions.

1. Many women want explanations, closure. However, psychopaths are quick to dismiss you, tell you to get out, break up with you in voice mail, email, text message. Because they cannot take blame, they don't believe they are at fault, so whose fault is it? Anyone, just never them.

2. Women will hang out where they work (especially if they have been cheated on) to catch a glimpse of him and to see if he's with a new girl.

3. Women will drive by his house to see if his car is there or more importantly if someone else is.

4. Women will call incessantly in hopes they will pick up the phone. Women think if they can get just a few minutes of their 'time' then we can either change their minds about us or get some sort of explanation.

5. Women will barrage with emails, texts-especially if they are drunk and feel lonely.


If a woman finds any of these true, the more 'crazy' they will become. The less contact the psychopath gives them, the 'crazier' they will become in their actions. Many times the psychopath will file stalking charges against the true victim, victimizing them even more. The entire time manipulating the system that is supposed to deal with them ends up catering to and condoning their behaviors because this is how the psychopath operates.

If you are in a frenzy in your own relationship, the best advice I can give to you would be to get out. If you are in a toxic friendship, get out. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, but it will be the best for you. Afraid of being alone? That's the main reason women stay. That and the self esteem has been beaten to hell. You don't need to waste time on someone who won't even appreciate everything you do. Do whatever it takes, save your money, move out when he isn't home, save your own life.

Amy wasn't lucky. From what I have heard, her behavior bordered on 'crazy stalker' but I have a feeling she wasn't crazy or a stalker. She was being controlled and manipulated by a psychopath, which was making her question her own sanity. I heard about all of the things she bought for Jay Capozello. He just used her and threw her away when he was done. But when he needed something, attention, a free meal, a new video game, a PS3, he would call her up and talk about how much he missed her. She did anything for his attention. The day before she died, she called him up and begged him to come over, threatening suicide via Ambien. He went. The next day she was dead. He was the last person to see her alive.

Amy didn't have a year to reflect on her own life and to make changes. Don't become another lifeless victim at the hands of a psychopath. Change your life.