Saturday, February 19, 2011

Who the BLEEP did I marry?

I find shows like this interesting to watch. Most recently I saw the wife of the Green River Killer who was accused of killing over 40 women over a 20 year span and during the time they were married. From all accounts he was the nicest guy, the perfect husband, the best thing that had ever happened to Judith.

How can someone have a completely separate identity and the person living with them see them as one thing when others see them as another? Because the mask he wore was on so tight. He grew up with a domineering mother who made fun of his bed wetting in front of his family. Embarrassed and belittled by his mother, the one person who is supposed to love unconditionally, made him feel un-loved and un-attached.

It has been reported that he started showing signs of being a bit off during High School. He had scored low on an intelligence test, stabbed a classmate just to see what it would be like to kill someone and faded to the back of the class when it came to women.

Gary Ridgway had been married twice before he found Judith. Those wives have reported being choked by him, which was the primary way he killed his victims. However, he never laid a hand on Judith. Never rose his voice or gave her any concern to think he was something different than what she thought. Judith is a mild mannered soft spoken woman. She fell in love with her Prince Charming and was living the dream life with her dream prince.

I think in Judith he found someone who nurtured him, who wasn't loud or aggressive or challenging. She believed what he told her. She had little reason to be concerned that he was anything but perfect. She provided the motherly unconditional love he had been robbed of. Did he love her? He continued to write her while in prison confiding in her some of his secrets always professing his deep love for her.

In the short interview they played on TV, he stated that he would get angry if the prostitutes wanted to hurry up or rolled their eyes, anything that showed a disrespect toward him. He wanted to be in control. He said he would act like this caring guy even though he didn't care in the least about their hard luck stories. He said he would make them feel comfortable and talk to them making them think he was such a 'Nice Guy' but as they were talking he was only thinking about how to get them into his truck and kill them.

Once he had control killing was easy. If some of the murder victims were aggressive, he became more aggressive. He had to be in control of the situation. He controlled his marriage by portraying himself as the person Judith believed he was. His self image was produced by her and because she did not confront him he allowed her to continue her fairytale. It must have felt good to him, having all of that unconditional love. While he was with her, he didn't feel like a murderer, he didn't feel shamed or humiliated, he felt at ease with himself. But the other side to Gary Ridgway, the side that was filled with anger, resentment, hate, embarrassment, bubbled to the surface. It had to.

He probably liked the attention of a prostitute but despising them at the same time for their profession. He had an idea of what a woman was supposed to be. Quiet, nurturing, non confrontational. But he never felt like he deserved a woman like that, like Judith.

Did he love Judith? No. Gary Ridgway is a psychopath. But the feeling he had when he was with Judith made a comfortable spot that he craved. The feeling was so strong he could control his rage around her. She once found condoms in the barn and assumed he was having sex with other women. She was so upset and rather than confront him, she got out her ax and chopped them all up, crying hysterically while she did so. She did not want to confront him because confronting him took a piece of her fairytale away. She could handle it herself because after all, he was a good husband, a good provider and she justified it all in her mind. Her need for the happy ending was just as powerful as his need for a maternal figure.

Judith said "I love the man I knew," she said, "and I hate the man that took him away." (Taken from the news story link above) It's as if she is talking about a 'death' of the first man. When they portray themselves as something they are not, it is natural to grieve for them, miss them, long for them. It is a very difficult thing to process. You want answers but they often won't give them up. If you get answers often times they don't make sense or they are more lies trying to keep you sucked in. As women we want to know why things went wrong, we take responsibility where we shouldn't and forgive too easily to keep the feelings we want, ie, love, companionship, security...and we believe it when they blame their shortcomings on us.

From Judith's perspective she knew one man and didn't know the man who could sleep next to her and then go kill an innocent girl, come home and eat dinner as if nothing monumental had happened that day. It really is a mind fuck when you think about it.

This is just such a sad story of a woman who wanted love and wound up with confusion-why would he do this? , questions-is he a monster? or a loving husband?, guilt-why didn't I see this?, depression-thinking I could never trust another man again.

Judith, like so many victims of Sociopaths/Psychopaths, are left the task of picking up the pieces of the life they knew and the one they face alone. Alone because for much time after, they will not be letting a man into their life. Gary had once said that killing for him was his career. We can only speculate to the deep mean those words hold.

Does this sound like a familiar story, perhaps minus the killings? The patterns are the same. The outcomes are different. When someone is murdered it leaves an erie, ominous fear behind for those who knew the killer. When you go back and analyze the details you realize you were alone with this person, maybe left your kids with this person? Closed your eyes and fell asleep next to this person, left yourself at a very vulnerable spot with this person. All the while, could they have had murderous thoughts about you too?

The victims have to make sense of a puzzle that has several missing pieces. The minute Judith Mawson decided to STOP writing to Gary after he was convicted was the day she became strong enough to walk away completely.

I hope this article helps you understand the psychology and mind inside a psychopathic personality. They only do things to keep their feelings alive in themselves. The urge to keep those feelings alive (control, power, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathing, fear, abandonment and on and on...) proves to be a destructive one to the people who cross their paths. And you never know when you are sitting next to one on a subway, working with one, or meeting them on an online dating site.

You have to look inside yourself and figure out what type of person you are to determine what type of person you need. This requires some thought provoking questions, maybe some you don't want to address. The more you know about your own self, the less you will fall victim to a predator. I thought I knew myself pretty well but come to find out, I didn't. I have learned to realize my vulnerabilities, my flaws, assessed my child hood, my behaviors around men and why I gravitate to a particular type of man who preys upon the negative emotion I carried around in my self.

I don't feel sorry for men who don't get enough attention from their wives/girlfriends, or those who can't budget their financial life, or who need daily instructions just to function, or get pulled away from doing something important to listen to something unimportant, or be the one to pick them up when the outside world is being mean to them. A real man can function in the world, balance a checkbook and accept responsibility for their actions. Real men don't need to be rescued and real woman don't either.

My life is filled with more friends, more time to myself, a better relationship, a rewarding work life and activities that I would have never had time for in my old life.

I welcome all comments. I love hearing from the readers of my blog. Be Safe!