Monday, March 4, 2013

The Evil that Narcissists Do

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-weiner/6-ways-to-recognize-and-s_b_2754804.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce


I was reading the above article at the Huffington Post (Divorce section) by Sandy Weiner and I thought the author broke this down in digestible pieces. Ladies and Gentlemen, her points are clear and true. If you are in a relationship marked by these attributes, run. Being selfish and immature is one thing, being a narcissist is something completely different. While there is discussions in the Psychiatric community on whether Narcissists are also Sociopaths/Psychopaths, their symptoms being very similar. So, let's address these 6 points she makes.

1. Narcissists are defensive. Think about this. Defense is a natural response to thwart off an attack right? So the more 'defensive' a person is the more shallow, hollow they are. Narcissists wear a mask that seemingly says they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. They tell you that but mostly they tell themselves. If your partner has to remind you how great they are, needing adulation or adoration, chances are they need to feel like they are those things. Picture a small child curled up in a corner afraid of everything. More times than not, a narcissist flashes a confident smile but they are really just the child curled up in a corner. If you approached the child in the corner you might think he/she would trust you or shy away from you but they only see another person coming to attack them. If they become defensive, they can thwart the attack by lashing out. It's always all about them. If you bring up a problem you've discovered with your partner and they immediately become defensive you have to ask yourself why. If they do not apologize or listen to your side, they are probably not that concerned with how you feel. They feel pretty bad all of the time because they are so empty, so it doesn't really matter to them if you feel like that every now and then.

2. The crisis. Whatever is going on in your life is not important to them. You care about your partner and you expect the same treatment from them. If you are in a mutually giving relationship this is natural. If you want to have a 'serious' talk with your partner and they bolt, they can't handle the emotions you are throwing at them. To them it is like nails on a chalkboard. They have to run. Why are they like this? More than likely because one of their parents acted like that during a fight or emotionally charged talk. Parents inadvertently teach their children how to handle situations by their own reactions. A narcissist can only keep the act up long enough to get to what they want. They have no idea how to handle your emotions because they don't have any.

3. The rages. They have paper thin skin. The author mentions a key element of all healthy relationships and that is that we should feel safe when bringing an issue to light. IF you are often on the receiving end of behavior that goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat you are in a relationship that cannot stand criticism without a knock down drag out fight. It could be the smallest of criticism that sets them off. If you are feeling rages (and you all know what I mean when I say rages) directed at you when you bring up a point of question or the other party feeling inadequate, you need to run as fast as you can from the other person. IT will not get better, it will get worse and you will be the punching bag for these rages.

4. Crazy making. Does your partner make you constantly crazy by sending you mixed signals? Why do they do this? Number one, to keep you unstable and make you feel unstable. Why would someone who says they love you want to do this? Because it gives them control and power and when you are constantly second guessing yourself, you can't very well criticize them or point things out to them. Special Occasions, good topic. Let's say it's your birthday. A few weeks ago, they were planning this day to be the most perfect for you. You are enamored with how much care they show to you. However, on your birthday, they arrive late, don't have a present and are loaded with excuses and if you sound a tiny bit upset over it, they will twist and turn until it is your own fault your birthday is a mess. They might come back to you and promise to make it up to you but that never happens right? It all gets pushed to the back burner in light of their own needs.

5. Exclusivity. Narcissists need so much adoration and adulation that getting it from one source is hardly enough. It's like blowing up a balloon. The narcissist starts every day as an UN-blown balloon. It is your job to blow it up and make sure it can stay afloat. The only problem is they need an entire freakin' bouquet. Do you see how exhausting it is to blow up one balloon every day? When it comes to complimenting you or listening to you, they won't deliver it with equal thought. Can you see how exhausting it is to just keep them inflated? They will want you to be exclusive though, giving you the pouty face when you start hinting around at the possibility of dating or going out with someone that isn't them.

6. Actions won't match words. This is a telling sign for any relationship. When you realize that the actions do not match the words you are probably in too deep with this person. You're probably in it exclusively and have spent so much time with them that you feel like you have to stay. My best advice to anyone in a relationship regardless of narcissism is if the actions do not match the words, run. Your inner sense knows. Deep down you know you won't ever change them. Run.

Again, check out the main article @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-weiner/6-ways-to-recognize-and-s_b_2754804.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

11 comments:

  1. Awesome so damn true, been there done that ,for a moment i thought you had got a hold of my many journals of a five year nitemare!!

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  2. I love the simplicity of the explainations in this :)

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  3. this is ALL so exact... I look back now and see so much more of his insane behavior. For 5 years, I tried everything in my power to understand the behavior, and I did question my own sanity at one point..of course, with his prodding. The final straw was him injuring me during a rage of his that was so unfounded and unexpected....I still have the injury after 5 months and cannot work because of it. It infuriates me to know he has just moved along with no repercussions, while I sit at home and heal...emotionally and physically. He moved on very quicly to a new fascination...that only lasted a month....and of course, he tells everyone I injured my own self in a manic episode. What is sad is his daughter was there to witness the rage and injurious action, and she agreed to lie for him if I called the police. It was a no win for me....and YET...2 minutes later, after he realized I was indeed really hurt, he morphed into the good guy...asking if I was ok, did I hurt myself?...like alien from another planet. It was staggering to witness the slide into the other fake persona .With such ease and familiarity. I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM SINCE THE EPISODE, AND HAVE STRUGGLED TO REGAIN MY SENSE OF WELL BEING, LET ALONE SELF LOVE OR SELF FORGIVENESS for allowing myself to endure all that is mentioned above. Why did I not ACKNOWLEDGE the signs? I SAW them...I HEARD them...I ignored them...... and tried desperately to make him love me. To no avail. What is the most sad thing for me is to truly KNOW that , in 5 years, he NEVER loved me..only used and abused me and my love. THAT is the tough one for me. I cannot fathom wasting his time under such falsem pretenses. But today, I DO know he is ill...wounded..narcisstic....and no freakin good...BUT!!.. all was not in vain. This whole thing brought me to look at my own issues, heal some, deal with others, and I regained my personal relationship with GOD back. It was...and IS..a huge gift and today, I can look forward to living a good life with real love in it. Not a fake future, fake man or fake love....REAL love and life. I have healed quite a bit and encourage anyone else like me to hang in there, hold on, and allow yourself to begin the healing process. Educate yourself on the disorders and finally, realize that what you went through or are going through is NOT YOUR FAULT! They are the sickness and evil that prevailed....NOT YOU!! I pray for recovery to continue and for anyone who has endured this type of relationship ...for recovery to begin. IT CAN be DONE!!!!....YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT!!!! XOXOXOX

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    1. OMG this was my life in a nutshell. I am so thankful to be out of it also. I was really second guessing myself. He almost had lost my job for me like he did to several other women. WOW Like you said STAY FAR FAR AWAY!!

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  4. After living the hell of being with a pyschopath, I can honestly say.. Never again!
    I didn't trust my instincts before, which is crazy because I always have a " feeling" about people. I had an uneasy feeling about him. His trick was doing something completely unexpected to throw me off of that uneasy feeling. After, I put my uneasy feeling aside, gradually he started acting out all of the signs of this mental disorder! Lies, the rage, keeping track of everything I did and out of the blue crying when I tried to break up with him several times!
    Somehow, WE decided he should go to Texas for a job, and medical help( he has ADHD), of course I'm paying for the plane ticket, and I'll follow him later because I'm suppose to quit my job. BUT once, he leaves I'm going to disappear from his life for ever! I just have to hold on for 2 more weeks!

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    1. That is the "I hate you! Don't leave me!" attitude. Someone might try to rely on you for help, and since you have provided them with help they view you as a resource which they must keep a handle on and control. Think about someone who is walking along a path, and then they see a horse in a meadow, so they walk over to the horse, speaking gently, then they come up to the animal, stroke it's mane, and before too long they have got a saddle on it's back, a bit in it's mouth, and they are high in the saddle and holding firm on the reins. That is the same basic attitude which a narcissist holds towards a codependent. Buck the narcissist, and it won't be long before they are yelling, hollering, or whining about their poor hurting feet...

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  5. great simplicity.......awesome explanations.....so exact....so true to the bone! Awesome site! I will recommend you!

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  6. unfortunately i married one...and have no way out ...short of living on the street.

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  7. OMGGGGGGG I lived this too for 3 years and really consider myself self a good judge of character they are very very slick and good I am still trying to heal myself of tormenti put myself thri.ibecame very very physicLly. ill

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  8. I think I'm married to a narcissist. He was adopted at 6 weeks and i've always though that was the reasn for his emotional shallowness, albeit his adoptive family were stable and nice. I've recently caught him our living a parrallel life with a mistress half his age. Part of me recognises that he's lost and I want to rescue him but the main part is angry, hurt and feeking sick thinking of the upheaval in ur lives beacuse of his actions. I don't know what I'm going to do- we are a pillar of our local community and have 3 kids. I cannot bear to even think of how this will affect them to the point that I'm trying to move on and convince myself that, with afew concessions such as deleting contact details for his mistress and cocaine supplier, that maybe we can work through this. It's early days but it's making me sick and disappointed with myself. Is he a narcissist or is he just 50 and having a mid life crisis? At what point do I bail out?

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  9. it is all true, every bit of it. what sucks is what it actually does to us. this man broke me and my family. robbed me of my dreams and my health, stole my innocence with love and trust and damn near killed me mentally. this is no joke, they do rob your soul. luckily for me; it was only temporary.. but that didnt lessen the pain xoxo keep fighting, the other side is closer than you think!

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