Inside the mind of a Psychopath

2012-01-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

Who the BLEEP did I marry?

2011-02-19T08:41:00.009-05:00

I find shows like this interesting to watch. Most recently I saw the wife of the Green River Killer who was accused of killing over 40 women over a 20 year span and during the time they were married. From all accounts he was the nicest guy, the perfect husband, the best thing that had ever happened to Judith.

How can someone have a completely separate identity and the person living with them see them as one thing when others see them as another? Because the mask he wore was on so tight. He grew up with a domineering mother who made fun of his bed wetting in front of his family. Embarrassed and belittled by his mother, the one person who is supposed to love unconditionally, made him feel un-loved and un-attached.

It has been reported that he started showing signs of being a bit off during High School. He had scored low on an intelligence test, stabbed a classmate just to see what it would be like to kill someone and faded to the back of the class when it came to women.

Gary Ridgway had been married twice before he found Judith. Those wives have reported being choked by him, which was the primary way he killed his victims. However, he never laid a hand on Judith. Never rose his voice or gave her any concern to think he was something different than what she thought. Judith is a mild mannered soft spoken woman. She fell in love with her Prince Charming and was living the dream life with her dream prince.

I think in Judith he found someone who nurtured him, who wasn't loud or aggressive or challenging. She believed what he told her. She had little reason to be concerned that he was anything but perfect. She provided the motherly unconditional love he had been robbed of. Did he love her? He continued to write her while in prison confiding in her some of his secrets always professing his deep love for her.

In the short interview they played on TV, he stated that he would get angry if the prostitutes wanted to hurry up or rolled their eyes, anything that showed a disrespect toward him. He wanted to be in control. He said he would act like this caring guy even though he didn't care in the least about their hard luck stories. He said he would make them feel comfortable and talk to them making them think he was such a 'Nice Guy' but as they were talking he was only thinking about how to get them into his truck and kill them.

Once he had control killing was easy. If some of the murder victims were aggressive, he became more aggressive. He had to be in control of the situation. He controlled his marriage by portraying himself as the person Judith believed he was. His self image was produced by her and because she did not confront him he allowed her to continue her fairytale. It must have felt good to him, having all of that unconditional love. While he was with her, he didn't feel like a murderer, he didn't feel shamed or humiliated, he felt at ease with himself. But the other side to Gary Ridgway, the side that was filled with anger, resentment, hate, embarrassment, bubbled to the surface. It had to.

He probably liked the attention of a prostitute but despising them at the same time for their profession. He had an idea of what a woman was supposed to be. Quiet, nurturing, non confrontational. But he never felt like he deserved a woman like that, like Judith.

Did he love Judith? No. Gary Ridgway is a psychopath. But the feeling he had when he was with Judith made a comfortable spot that he craved. The feeling was so strong he could control his rage around her. She once found condoms in the barn and assumed he was having sex with other women. She was so upset and rather than confront him, she got out her ax and chopped them all up, crying hysterically while she did so. She did not want to confront him because confronting him took a piece of her fairytale away. She could handle it herself because after all, he was a good husband, a good provider and she justified it all in her mind. Her need for the happy ending was just as powerful as his need for a maternal figure.

Judith said "I love the man I knew," she said, "and I hate the man that took him away." (Taken from the news story link above) It's as if she is talking about a 'death' of the first man. When they portray themselves as something they are not, it is natural to grieve for them, miss them, long for them. It is a very difficult thing to process. You want answers but they often won't give them up. If you get answers often times they don't make sense or they are more lies trying to keep you sucked in. As women we want to know why things went wrong, we take responsibility where we shouldn't and forgive too easily to keep the feelings we want, ie, love, companionship, security...and we believe it when they blame their shortcomings on us.

From Judith's perspective she knew one man and didn't know the man who could sleep next to her and then go kill an innocent girl, come home and eat dinner as if nothing monumental had happened that day. It really is a mind fuck when you think about it.

This is just such a sad story of a woman who wanted love and wound up with confusion-why would he do this? , questions-is he a monster? or a loving husband?, guilt-why didn't I see this?, depression-thinking I could never trust another man again.

Judith, like so many victims of Sociopaths/Psychopaths, are left the task of picking up the pieces of the life they knew and the one they face alone. Alone because for much time after, they will not be letting a man into their life. Gary had once said that killing for him was his career. We can only speculate to the deep mean those words hold.

Does this sound like a familiar story, perhaps minus the killings? The patterns are the same. The outcomes are different. When someone is murdered it leaves an erie, ominous fear behind for those who knew the killer. When you go back and analyze the details you realize you were alone with this person, maybe left your kids with this person? Closed your eyes and fell asleep next to this person, left yourself at a very vulnerable spot with this person. All the while, could they have had murderous thoughts about you too?

The victims have to make sense of a puzzle that has several missing pieces. The minute Judith Mawson decided to STOP writing to Gary after he was convicted was the day she became strong enough to walk away completely.

I hope this article helps you understand the psychology and mind inside a psychopathic personality. They only do things to keep their feelings alive in themselves. The urge to keep those feelings alive (control, power, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathing, fear, abandonment and on and on...) proves to be a destructive one to the people who cross their paths. And you never know when you are sitting next to one on a subway, working with one, or meeting them on an online dating site.

You have to look inside yourself and figure out what type of person you are to determine what type of person you need. This requires some thought provoking questions, maybe some you don't want to address. The more you know about your own self, the less you will fall victim to a predator. I thought I knew myself pretty well but come to find out, I didn't. I have learned to realize my vulnerabilities, my flaws, assessed my child hood, my behaviors around men and why I gravitate to a particular type of man who preys upon the negative emotion I carried around in my self.

I don't feel sorry for men who don't get enough attention from their wives/girlfriends, or those who can't budget their financial life, or who need daily instructions just to function, or get pulled away from doing something important to listen to something unimportant, or be the one to pick them up when the outside world is being mean to them. A real man can function in the world, balance a checkbook and accept responsibility for their actions. Real men don't need to be rescued and real woman don't either.

My life is filled with more friends, more time to myself, a better relationship, a rewarding work life and activities that I would have never had time for in my old life.

I welcome all comments. I love hearing from the readers of my blog. Be Safe!

Mel Gibson and his rants...and blame...

2010-07-14T09:07:00.007-04:00

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about Mel Gibson's rants against former girlfriend and mother of his child. I'm sure that most of you who have actually listened to the tapes felt deja vu all over again. If you haven't heard the tapes, you can find them at Radaronline.com

I'm not sure if Mel is a psychopath but he obviously has issues. Big ones. He's very easily angered for one. When I heard him say, "I own you" I had flashbacks. When he said,"I'm going to give you one more chance" I thought this is all so familiar. When he said, "You are nothing. You have no soul" perhaps he is reflecting on himself.

You are a C#$@, Whore, Bitch, etc he tells her endlessly. He elevates himself and lowers her to 'unworthy' status. This is no news, to those who have lived with a narcissist, alcoholic, abuser, we know all too well how familiar these words are.

When she retorts that she is a 'marionette' and has to 'walk on eggshells', well, we know what this means too. He made death threats to her, threatened to burn the house down, punched her in the face, gave her a concussion....how long before he snaps and does something worse? When she says she will call the police, he acts like most do, he tells her she is weak and he is strong and that he handles his own affairs. He admitted that she didn't have any friends, I'm sure by his design.

The media has crucified her too. Calling her a gold digger. Saying she had no right to have tapes like that without his knowledge. I disagree. I say she had every right. The legal system says that when you go to fight for custody you must have proof that you were battered, beaten or threatened. Most women do not call the police and file the report. If her medical records show what she alleges great but the tapes (to me) are icing on the cake. Again I love how the media make it the woman's fault and that he was just 'reacting' to her. She's a gold digger, it's her fault she got a concussion, and her teeth knocked out. She's the one pushing 'his' buttons. Blah blah blah blah blah.

His problems didn't start though with Oksana. He's had his tirades before. He's gone off on other non-white races. He views women as objects and that is evident when he says, "You should smile and blow me" "I deserve it".... or when he called a female office 'sugar tits' after she pulled him over. I can think of several things he deserves and a BJ isn't one of them. He's admitted he was Bi-Polar and an alcoholic. Bi-Polar behavior is certainly off the charts depending on how bad the disorder is and how often it is cycling. Bi-Polars need medication to help them stabilize their emotions. He's clearly in denial about having a mental disorder, needing therapy or medication. At this point, he should stop calling her but it will be his need to feel control that will keep these rants going.

For those people who have defended him in the past it is time to see who he really is. The religious conservatives. The pundits who have taken his side when it was clear he had disturbed thoughts. When people talk about killing other people in anger it needs to be taken seriously. Jay would always say similar things about African Americans and Jewish people in his rants. Look at Jesse James. Posing in pictures clearly denoting a 'Hitler' influence. Somehow this type of person thinks they are above the other races. That the other races are impure and 'deserve' to be treated as such. People who have 'race' issues usually have other issues. Anger, deep seeded anger and an inability to reason.

Of course people from all over and commenting on whether or not they will continue to see his movies. People are debating if she has set him up. People are saying men need to assert themselves and let the women know where they stand in a relationship. Incredible I know. The bigger picture is scary and a reflection of our society as a whole. People want to find excuses for the behavior and not really look at the real epidemic. They want to blame the victim and say she probably deserved it because she was out for his money. I'm sure people said the same thing about Nicole Brown Simpson.

If Mel is the victim of a gold digger, why didn’t he call it quits? In the second tape he tells he will give her one more chance. He tells her what a “blankety blank blank” she is and how she has destroyed him but HE will give her another chance. He admitted to hitting her and has not once apologized. IF he is the victim then why didn’t he just refuse to talk to her again, get his attorney and then support his child. End of story. He didn’t need to call her up and demand that she stop using the nanny, a lawyer could have done that. Does he not have any self control? Why didn’t he simply walk away?

It is quite clear that he needs to have control and exert his control via threats and physical harm. To me, that’s not a man, that’s a coward. The debate over what he has done is not about his ability as an actor or any talent he may possess as a director. This is how he treats his peers, this is what he thinks of his co workers. This is how he acts when he’s not acting. If I were Whoopi Goldberg, I’d be offended by his comments. If I were a female actress, I wouldn’t want to do a scene with him ever. If I were a Jewish movie producer, I wouldn’t finance another picture for him. This is how he acts when he thinks no one is listening.

Mel Gibson, OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen all have the same issue. They feel entitled to lie, abuse, berate, strike, verbally abuse, cheat (Tiger Woods and Jesse James) on their wives and girlfriends. How many more men fit this mold. Too many. Abuse is never OK. Ever.

Personally I hope Mel goes to jail for hitting her. Charlie Sheen got off easy. OJ got off too easy. Too many get off easy. Where is the justice? There is a place that men go who cannot control their emotions, prison.

To me, hearing these tapes, while difficult only shows me that there are men out there that act like rageful, vindictive, threatening ogres in private but in person they are the nicest people you'd ever meet. I guess in a way it's proof for all of the victims of rage that this is how it sounds, how it feels and how the backlash exists against the victims. Just having some proof makes me feel validated in a world where the victim too often gets the blame. And yes, there is a little smile on my face as I write this post. Just a tiny one, for all of the victims.

Getting lumped in with all the 'bad guys' 'jerk's' etc...

2010-07-12T16:15:00.003-04:00

I get a lot of comments from men who think that sites like this are only for those women who were in a 'bad' relationship. This is beyond 'bad' for the record. This is beyond a few white lies and forgiveness. This is like emotional rape.

Understand there are several factors that go into determining whether or not someone is a sociopath or psychopath. Hollywood has thrown those words around to mean a serial killer. Society uses those words to describe someone who is crazy, mentally unstable or just plain weird. That's not what this site is. This site is dedicated to true psychopaths/sociopaths.

There is a difference between a bad relationship. A bad relationship can come from people who just don't mesh together once they really get to know each other. If one of them is co-dependent then it's harder to let go. If there are other mental illnesses in play, it may be even harder to break the push and pull that couples find themselves in when trying to leave a relationship. We all get comfortable, we second guess ourselves. We get jealous if we think the other person likes someone or pays more attention to other people. The differences are that when you feel unhappy about something in your relationship and you bring it to the attention of the other person they have a chance to either see where you are coming from or disagree. If they can 'empathize' with your position and let you know that it is not what they meant then things can be mended and life can go on. If they can't agree and think the entire problem is you then you may have a real problem. If they start berrating you, yelling at you, making you feel bad for having these feelings then it's time to move along because you will not get very far with this type of person.

People fight. Trust is broken. Sane people either make up or they break up with no issues other than the relationship didn't work out. Sure you may call each other jerks but when the emotions are in check you will be able to categorize the issues that were truly your fault and his. You will be able to place blame and accept responsibility for where you messed up or for where he messed up. The end of relationships with psychopaths are different. They will continue to find reasons to contact you. They will make it sound like they are even 'concerned' about you. They do this to get you to let your guard down. Once the guard is down, they will be back to their old tricks. It's a guarantee.

When you are with a psychopath you will continually be in a state of chaos, fighting, wondering if you can trust him when he's not with you. If you are a mentally stable person you will recognize the patterns well. If you are not mentally stable due to how the psychopath treats you or due to your own mental illness then you will need to have an unbiased third party to help you sort things out. A therapist or friend that you can count on is a good start. I promise, he will confuse the hell out of you and you won't know if he's a good person or a bad one. One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day.

When other people hear about these relationships they don't understand why someone wouldn't just leave. The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great. There is a key factor in people who allow psychopaths to control their lives. And it's not because they are not smart. Many smart women find themselves in the middle of relationships that are toxic but they know they can't leave. They lack the emotional strength it takes to actually leave. The psychopath will be baiting them and looking for ways to keep debilitating you. Things will seem normal for awhile. Then he will destabilize you. You will feel guilt or that you have to 'prove' to him you are worthy of him. You spend so much time trying to prove you are worthy that you become emotionally drained. This is why it's so much easier to just live with an abuser. They wear you down so much that you can't find the strength to leave them. They alienate you from your friends and family so that you don't have a support system or a place to go for protection. He will try all kinds of tricks. He will make you feel like he's so good to you or that no one will want you because you may be overweight, he will use whatever negative thing you think about yourself to crucify you with later. And the abusee will fall for it and stay. They will stop talking to their friends and family because after awhile someone will point out the obvious, 'why don't you just leave?' Scary thought. So if you end up NOT doing anything about the relationship eventually they will turn a deaf ear. Why should they care when you won't even help yourself? Pretty soon you will have cocooned yourself into a nice little ball where you are miserable with no relief in sight. You will wake up 8 years later and wonder how you got there.

So there is a big difference between a boyfriend who is a jerk and one who is a psychopath. Having a bad relationship and being a victim or someone's manipulation are two very different things. So, for all of the guys (or girls) out there who say this is just another bad relationship gone wrong, just another guy who didn't want you...I'm here to say differently. Read the entire blog, not just one entry before you decide.

Con Men, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Liars, Cheats.....can you trust anyone?

2010-03-11T08:17:00.006-05:00

What do we call these people? What do other people call these people? What do they call themselves?

There seems to be some confusion about is this guy a psychopath? sociopath? liar? cheater? con man? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of these people, you are sure to lose.

A lot of people think that a con man is just a happy go lucky, live by the seat of your pants kinda person who may con you out of your money, your possessions, etc. You've been conned, duped, tricked and while you are still alive and breathing, no great harm has come to you. Right? Wrong.

A Con-Man is described as a Confident Man, using a trick to deceive. The movies have portrayed this character from a fun loving guy down on his luck just trying to score a buck to a villian who is out for much more. It's like a con is just trying to make an honest dollar and we should cut him/her some slack cause they are just trying to get back on their feet, play robin hood or provide for their family.

I love this: MOST people when they hear my story will say, "OH, you are a scorned woman, bitter, out for revenge, you were conned, duped, move on with your life." Even some of my best friends glossed over my feelings, saying "good riddance, you're strong you will bounce back," and the famous, "don't waste too much time thinking about him and all that has happened." As if one could just say, "Yes, you are right, how silly of me, two days of grieving and I should be back to my old self."

Trust is a funny thing. Trust perpetuates how we move along in life. Trust allows us to wake up, get in our car/taxi/subway and be assured we will not be in an accident. We do this routine so routinely the 'trust' part of our thinking is just there. We just know nothing will happen. (Unless you have OCD-which is another post entirely). But then something happens, car bombs, drive by shootings, plane crashes, 9-11, train derailments. Depending how close we are to these tragedies will actually decide how safe we feel. Feeling safe is a form of trust.

Forming a trust bond with a human is a basic human need. In order to perpetuate relationships, we have to trust the other person with our most valued asset, our hearts. When you delve into the trust of another person your confidence shows. Some people have to trust before they can love. So, what is trust? When someone knows something about you that would be embarrassing to you if the general public knew, it's trust. Or is it? You tell all of your secrets to someone, fears, hopes and dreams. Is it trust just to tell another person? Or does trust form from being in a vulnerable situation and the person who has the info on you does nothing with it. I'll give you an example. I've often told secrets to people I've trusted, negative things about myself or my perceived self. These have included hopes and dreams for my future. Let's say me and my boyfriend are play arguing about subject X and he jokes about something that I've secretly told him. I get offended. My feelings get hurt. Is this life threatening? No, probably not but it stung. A few days later we are in a heated argument and he throws back one of my secrets as if it's a negative. Now I am hurt and hurt more deeply than the sting. My realization is, can I trust this person? You have to go through good and bad to be able to answer this question, which is why it's a good idea to know someone for awhile to develop a real sense of security and trust.

Trust is built when our vulnerabilities are exposed and a person can take advantage of them by hurting us but chooses not to. Trust is a very mature emotion.

When women/men write to me, they will use this word TRUST a lot! I trusted him/her. Out of all of my friends, I put this person above all others and just knew they would never hurt me. Really?

If you are human expect some pain or hurt along the path of life. Someone will betray the trust you gave them. It could be anyone. A family member, a friend, a boss, etc. To think that someone could never hurt you surely is a mis-reprenstation of being human. I think when people talk about trust, they really mean how they allowed the trust they had in someone to be misplaced. Trust is earned. Too many people give it away freely. Most of these relationships where trust is blown to bits starts in a very quick way when things should be going incredibly slow. People move in with others, marry, have children etc with people they barely know. Then they are up in arms over how they got hurt and how they never thought this person was capable of hurt. My best advice is to slowly give out your trust when it is earned. When words match actions, for longer than a 6 month period you can start to give away some of your trust.

If you go back and find that point where you started having doubts in your relationship, chances are it is well within the 6 month mark. There were signs that you ignored. In some cases big red flags. The desire to have Mr. Perfect was too great to heed these danger signs. Everyone wants love, comfort, a safe place to let their emotions go. Just understand this only comes with time and placing yourself into situations where your trust is protected rather than violated. Put yourself first and do not settle for anything less than what you want. If you allow someone to talk you into something you really don't want, you will only berrate yourself down the road. Learn the signs of what to look for. At the minute of a bad feeling, run, don't walk, run!

A year to remember.....

2010-02-04T11:53:00.005-05:00

It's been a year since I heard of the death of Amy Yeung and a year since my life was turned upside down, inside out and rightside up. It's been an interesting year and a year of healing. It's also been a year of cutting out all of the TOXIC people in my life, for good. Nothing has felt better than taking back my own voice and breath.I've moved to Chicago and I'm surrounded by my family. Life is finally what I say it is.

Most importantly it's been a year of introspection and honesty, brutal honesty. I am no longer the one who bends for the needs of others. I put my family and myself first. I can spot a user, an abuser, a psychopath, a narcissist a mile away. I refuse to work for a boss, have a friend or a family member with these traits. They will never change and there's nothing I can do to make them change. If I allow myself a relationship with one of these personalities, my life will be right back to where I was, an emotional mess. A ball of anxiety always doing and afraid of not doing.

I've learned this year that most 'average' people do not understand the term psychopath nor the inner workings of the damage one can do to a life. When I've tried to tell my family or a close friend, they may nod their head but until you've lived it, it's a hard concept to grasp. I can see where victims have probably thought their own friends, even their own counselors and psychologists don't 'get' it. And they probably don't. While the victim is healing they get pulled back in to the psychopath's needs, wants, etc. The minute they think they are strong enough to stand on their own, something happens and they are left vulnerable and weak. It's at these crucial moments that your brain has to kick in and make the logical decision, not the emotional one.

Everyone has heard the old story about the two women, a mother and daughter who cut the Christmas ham in half and used two pans. When asking the daughter why she did that, she did not know. She called her mother to ask her why it was necessary to cut the ham in half. Her mother laughed and told her, "Because, I never had a pan that was big enough for the entire ham." We often do things without realizing why we do them.

This is true with the pattern of behavior the psychopath they have erratic moods-we try to calm them. They have good days of love and care-we soak those up. They have days when they would just as soon spit on you-and we are left wondering why they are treating us like shit. Yet we come back for more. Why? Until you figure that out for yourself you will only find yourself in more degrading and abusive type relationships. Hopefully you are strong enough to see the emotional roller coaster they keep us on and realize they will never change and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to make them change. Nothing.

I read lots of articles with women asking the same questions over and over. He's cheating but he's apologized but then they see it's happening again. He's hit you but he's apologized and yet it happens again. He makes a promise to do something for you and then freaks out when you 'make a huge deal about it.' The women in these relationships are miserable and fake the smiles to their family and friends because they really don't know what to think. Some will think they are the problem and do everything and anything to fix it. It may even garner positive attention at first but soon things will float back to the way they were.

Men can be really hard headed and stubborn when they hear us women 'bitching' about our relationships. There are men who want to say, "Well, your just emotional because he hurt you, now you want revenge." Or "He broke up with you, just get over it already." My personal favorite from the psychopath himself, "She's lying, she just wants me back."

It is true that many women fall into the role of 'crazy stalker' after their love, their bf, husband was caught cheating, lying or stealing. I'm not saying that women are crazy stalkers but their behavior would indicate they are the one with the issue. Here's what lies beneath their actions.

1. Many women want explanations, closure. However, psychopaths are quick to dismiss you, tell you to get out, break up with you in voice mail, email, text message. Because they cannot take blame, they don't believe they are at fault, so whose fault is it? Anyone, just never them.

2. Women will hang out where they work (especially if they have been cheated on) to catch a glimpse of him and to see if he's with a new girl.

3. Women will drive by his house to see if his car is there or more importantly if someone else is.

4. Women will call incessantly in hopes they will pick up the phone. Women think if they can get just a few minutes of their 'time' then we can either change their minds about us or get some sort of explanation.

5. Women will barrage with emails, texts-especially if they are drunk and feel lonely.

If a woman finds any of these true, the more 'crazy' they will become. The less contact the psychopath gives them, the 'crazier' they will become in their actions. Many times the psychopath will file stalking charges against the true victim, victimizing them even more. The entire time manipulating the system that is supposed to deal with them ends up catering to and condoning their behaviors because this is how the psychopath operates.

If you are in a frenzy in your own relationship, the best advice I can give to you would be to get out. If you are in a toxic friendship, get out. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, but it will be the best for you. Afraid of being alone? That's the main reason women stay. That and the self esteem has been beaten to hell. You don't need to waste time on someone who won't even appreciate everything you do. Do whatever it takes, save your money, move out when he isn't home, save your own life.

Amy wasn't lucky. From what I have heard, her behavior bordered on 'crazy stalker' but I have a feeling she wasn't crazy or a stalker. She was being controlled and manipulated by a psychopath, which was making her question her own sanity. I heard about all of the things she bought for Jay Capozello. He just used her and threw her away when he was done. But when he needed something, attention, a free meal, a new video game, a PS3, he would call her up and talk about how much he missed her. She did anything for his attention. The day before she died, she called him up and begged him to come over, threatening suicide via Ambien. He went. The next day she was dead. He was the last person to see her alive.

Amy didn't have a year to reflect on her own life and to make changes. Don't become another lifeless victim at the hands of a psychopath. Change your life.

Letting go of the Toxic People

2010-01-01T21:00:00.003-05:00

We all have New Year’s Resolutions, Revelations, and Revolutions. If yours is to let go of the TOXIC people in your life then you must realize that this is a very hard thing to do. You'll have to be 100% honest in your definition of TOXIC. Toxic people have a way of slithering into our lives when our radars are down and up. They can sneak by the most careful guard. They do this by finding out where you are weak. How do you decide who is toxic? If they drain you, make you feel bad about yourself, hurt you physically, emotionally, degrade you, demand from you, etc. If you see their number on your caller ID and your stomach turns, they are probably toxic. If you see an email from them pop into your inbox and you get anxious, they are probably toxic. If you try to get through a conversation without pissing them off, they are probably toxic. If you feel dread knowing you have to spend time with them, they are probably toxic. If you are doing all of the work, getting nothing in return except guilt, pain and feeling depressed then it's time to make a change. You are in control on how slight the change is. But you must remember to keep your boundaries set and only do what you want to do. The problem with allowing a psychopath into your life is they will never respect your boundaries but demand you respect theirs. Any time a relationship leaves you feeling like a child rather than an adult is toxic and changes need to be made. The first change begins with you. Be strong, be firm and keep the long term goal in sight. Take baby steps and know you will have days and nights where you have convinced yourself they are not that bad. Change is a gradual process as is healing. Be safe.

Do they ever change?

2009-07-10T15:18:00.013-04:00

The answer to this is a simple, NO. They do not change. Period. In order to 'change' they must realize there is a problem. More than likely, your psychopath will not take responsibility for their actions. They will never apologize and they will tell you in long winded speeches why they shouldn't have to apologize. Apologizing would mean they understand their fault against you and feel 'remorse' for upsetting/hurting you. An apology after the fact, thrown at your face without sincerity is NOT an apology.

I know there are women (and men) out there right now believing that their psychopath can change. (Or, they do not truly believe their mate of choice is a psychopath.) I love this one! The reason they don't believe is because their psychopath is so good at telling them/convincing them they are not the 'monster' their friends and families describe.

This is the main reason why it is hard to break the cycle of psychopathy. How did you end up with a psychopath? First of all, you allowed it. First and foremost you are in control of you. You are the only person you are in control of. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions and do not wallow in the 'how' did I get here. Did you fall for the manipulation? Did you think YOU would be different? Did they abuse/mentally/physically and wear you down to where you could not do anything about it out of fear? Or worse, because it was just 'easier' to be in your relationship. Maybe you were abused by your caregivers, parents, etc. Maybe your self esteem wasn't built on a solid foundation. There are many more reasons and situations why we end up in the same line of victims, because we allowed it.

Love should not equal PAIN. If you are in a painful relationship whether it be physical or emotional, it is not a healthy place. My advice to you is to get out however you can, whether that be to plan your way out, stay with relatives, etc. Cutting off communication with the psychopath is key to leaving and eventually healing. I've heard all of the stories before. You can't leave, what would he do without you? You are the only person who understands him/her? You are the only person who loves him/her? You have kids and have no family support? You need him because you don't make an income? What if he comes to your job, your family's/friend's house? He's promised he will change? These are all questions that have eclipsed our thinking. Leaving a destructive, controlling, demeaning relationship is a hard hard thing to do.

First of all, those of you who are reading this are either in, have been in or know someone who is in an abusive relationship. It's an epidemic. Understand that if you have children, they will learn the same behavior. They will view love as pain and they will seek out that type of relationship in the future. You are an adult, you are in control of you, make the decision to stop the cycle. You are the only one who can. If you have been in a relationship with a psychopath, you will know what I mean when I say, it's a secret. Most of us don't go around talking about how we had a wonderful night of fighting, yelling and crying with the person we love. We mask it, we pretend it didn't happen, we hide it. As long as you hide this type of information from family and friends, you are keeping their secret. Their dirty little secret.

The reason we keep the secret is because we have to protect the abuser. I mean, no one has given them a fair shot in life right? The world is against them. They have lots of negative viewpoints on most things, why they can't keep a job, why they have had a string of failed relationships, why they don't speak to their own family members, etc. So, by hiding the bruises, the tears, the pain, you are keeping the secret. It's the only way the cycle continues. The minute you tell your best friend the truth about your relationship, they will say....UMMM, GET OUT! And then where are you? Well, you have to do something about it, right? Because the next time they see a bruise they will look at you like, WHY don't you do something about it? After awhile you become the boy who cries wolf. And people will start to avoid you because they think well, if she/he is so absolutely 'stupid' to stay, they get what they deserve. And so you shield yourself from this type of rejection too.

Most people don't understand the psychological workings of abuse, narcississm, psychopathic personalities, etc. People tend to think in terms of black and white. If the stove is hot, don't put your hand on it. And if you keep putting your hand on it, then something is wrong with you. In a way, they are right, something is wrong. Seriously wrong. You've been hard wired to believe this is what you deserve. In order to heal and not make the same choices again in your relationships you have to recognize and change the way you see love. Many people in abusive relationships don't want to do this. It is exhausting and it brings up more pain from the past. So, it's hard for the outside world to really understand which is why we hear, "Well, if they are so bad, just leave." Hard to do, easy to say.

If there is property damage, broken bones, black eyes, screaming, etc...more than likely the police were called. Most women won't press charges and those that do will often go right back to the abuser thinking it is a one time occurence or that they blew the situation out of proportion. The police, the legal system isn't set up to handle this massive problem. If you get the strength and courage to leave, you may find yourself being stalked. Stalking laws don't do much. We've had stalking laws since 1987 and hundreds of victims die each year due to relationship violence. If you have children you are obligated under the law to adhere to visitation with the biological father. 18 years worth of time. The best way to avoid this issue: make better choices when it comes to the father of your children. The law is NOT on your side and often the psychopath makes it look like you are the stalker or 'crazy' one. They are great at blame shifting.

So, do they ever change? NO. They never change. They will never change. They will never live up to their 'promises' to never hurt you again. They will hurt you again, it is in their nature. Living with a psychopath is like living with a BOA constrictor. No matter how nice they seem, how good looking, how educated....etc...when it is time to squeeze the life out of you for their own purpose, they will.

Guys like Thomas J. Capano, Darren Mack, Robert Chambers, Matt Matthews think they are so smart. They have convinced their attorneys they are innocent, that it was somehow the victim who perpetrated them. They have their communities convinced, their new girlfriends, their childhood friends, their parents. However if you look at these people, listen to what they are really saying, you can see they are lying. They are chameleons. They will change their colors to fit any situation they find themselves in. If they need to appear helpless they will. If they need to appear rich, they will. If they need to appear educated, they will. Those are the only changes this type of personality will make.

I know that you will read this and perhaps not believe what is written that somehow your relationship is different. If you are being manipulated, caused emotional or physical pain, lied to, etc, just know that as long as you allow it, it will continue. They need you in the same way a parasite needs a host.

My psychopath recently contacted me to tell me that I was keeping him from moving on with his life. What he meant was that I was keeping him from being able to prey on other females that may have googled his name. He even offered to 'apologize' to me if I would just meet him. As if. No responsibility. No remorse. I'm sure he is out there, preying on other women with his poor me routine, or his up and coming voice acting career, or his job as a talented musician, or whatever lie happens to work for him at the time. They won't ever change their need to humiliate, manipulate, control you, etc. You are the only one who can change how you respond to the manipulation, the control, etc. You are in control of you. Period.

The Temper Tantrum

2009-06-18T07:41:00.011-04:00

Have you ever noticed the pattern the psychopath or sociopath uses when they don't get their way? Maybe you were too busy at work to 'pay' attention to their specific need, maybe you travel a lot, maybe you are in school or have kids, either way, you are focused on another task or heaven forbid you have your own life.

Have you noticed that when THEY need something they will interupt you without a thought but if you really need something from them, they are unreachable, ignore your messages or take their sweet time to address you or to reciprocate a need you may have? When you ask them what took so long, they get upset and angry to the point they don't even want to talk to you.

Their needs are urgent and important but yours are not. They somehow work in that they are busier than you, more tired than you, not as financially secure as you, etc. Everything is about them!

I've dealt with many psychopaths in my life, I just didn't know it until the Jay incident. I didn't realize that anyone who abuses you verbally, mentally or physical carries traits on the psychopathy scale. I just lumped them into the asshole category but it's much deeper and scarier than just being an ass or a jerk.

They are nice at first, so nice that you think to yourselves, "Wow, I AM the luckiest girl in the world." While you are dancing on cloud 9 with stars in your eyes they change. But ever so slowly that you don't realize the little gripes and complaints they had over something just a few months ago, they found 'cute' about you as a person.

I would say that in all honesty, Jay was 'nice' for about the first month after I met him in person. I never did feel 'taken' care of by him but rather the opposite, it was he who needed constant taking care of. One of the first times he came over to my house he had some issues with his stomach. I rushed to the store to load him up on antacids, Imodium, and Preparation H. He had no idea how to administer Preperation H to his own ass. I jumped in like an expert nurse to coddle and take care of him. He relished the attention. From that moment on, I was the go to person for all things medical in his eyes. It was exhausting for me to tell him constantly over and over how to take Imodium or try to 'diagnose' why he was having stomach trauma. Telling him to, "just read the instructions" and it didn't work as he didn't seem to make sense of them. He would shoot back, "Hey, be nice to me." "I told you, I'm a late bloomer."

He told me that being a late bloomer meant he did not have sex until he was 22. He said he was socially awkward which I completely believe but I'm not so sure about the "I was a virgin until I was 22." He also cited the death of his mom for his apparent stunted growth when it came time to understand the back of a pack of Imodium. However, when she died, he was 26. So, whenever I would try and put the responsibility of something simple (like reading the directions on the back of an over the counter medicine) he would think it was mean of me to do so.

He acted like a very timid rabit until he felt uncomfortable and then he turned into a spiteful python. His anger was always right below the surface. He could be talking about something as innocuous as a song and then get pissed off enough to ignore me for days at a time. However, if I showed any sign of questioning or discontent or unhappiness, I was not allowed to have those feelings. He made quite sure that I didn't show him any sort of emotion unless I was happy and content. Basically I could not demand anything of him. I had to wait for him to dole out the morsels of attention to me. He acted as if I should be glad to get them.

Even more important, I could not be mad at him, he did not allow it. If I was upset about something I would have to wait until he was ready to talk about it. By the time that came around, it almost seemed like I was the foolish one to even bring it up.

Jay had several different ways of throwing his temper tantrum if he did not like what you were saying. He used one or all of them in the same instance. It would depend on how quickly he wanted to get me to snap back into submission. He also knew that I did not like to be dismissed. He was the master at dismissing me and my feelings. I would often tell him I felt punished by him but he turned that back around on me and tell me he was NOT punishing me. He was taking 'his time' and that meant I had to give it to him. HIS TIME consisted of his silence. It was pure punishment.

1. Anger
2. Poor Me, Sympathy, Tears
3. Distance
4. Leaving
5. Limited to No Communication, ie Punishment
6. Excuses
7. Manipulation

Examples

Raised voice (Angry) or complete silence. If he was upset because he was questioned on something or if asked for something that he did not want to provide (typically just an answer about something that did not make sense to me) he would give me an excuse..."Wow, I am really tired, can we talk about this later?" If I pressed him it would turn to anger. In a heated voice, "I told you I didn't want to talk about this right now!!" Once I was hurt I didn't want to continue the conversation. Then he would say, "What's the matter, don't you want to talk to me?" I felt like an animal that had just been kicked around. I did not want to talk to him but If I didn't, he would get upset over that and he may shut down for a few days. I didn't want that to happen so I would just change the subject until I could get off of the phone. I would just say that I was busy with work for a few days until I didn't feel so hurt.

If I said something about going out with my friends he would act jealous and he would pout. If I pointed out how he went out with his friends then it was a different story. He would say, "Don't you trust me?" During an exchange like this, he would blurt out things like, "Maybe you are losing interest in me." He would need reassurance and somehow the conversation would end up on him, rather than why I called in the first place.

If I said something that he felt was critical (and this could have been anything-serious or funny) (example-He would ask me, "Do you want me to bring over my box set of Transformer Cartoons?" I would say, "That's ok. I'm good on all things Transformers." He would say, "Wow, that's mean." Then he would be silent for hours. No phone calls, no IMs, texts, etc. A few days later he would say to me on IM, "You hurt my feelings." "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. I expected more from you." I would not understand why something like that would 'hurt' anyone. He acted like a puppy who had been spanked by a newspaper. I got to the point where I really couldn't say anything around him. I kept so many things to myself.

Jay could be talking to you and not sound like he was 'there.' Whether that be on IM or on the phone, he would tell me he felt depressed and to not mind him if he seemed distant. This happened quite a lot. He may start off the day with "I don't feel very attractive today." "Don't be upset if I don't feel like talking today." He was available for the pleasantries but very distant and could not handle any heavy conversation that consisted of anything except the Hi's and Bye's during the day. He had these days often. So often that I spoke to him about taking anti depressants. He did not like the thought of having to take something to help stabilize his moods, he did not feel like anything was really wrong with him.

The angry silence. When we had planned to see each other on New Years Eve 2008, he said that he may have other plans. I did not want to be rude but I was a bit hurt since we had made previous plans. Rather than start a fight, I just said, "Oh good for you." Then it was "Oh you don't want to see me?" I might sigh or say something to show him I was frustrated and he would say, "I've got to go." I would say, "What? You just called me a second ago, why do you have to go?" "I have things I need to do." I didn't hear from him for a few days. He often acted as if nothing was wrong the next time we spoke or chatted and expected the same from me. He did not like to be 'reminded' that I was upset.

He would call me and ask me silly little questions about how to handle this or that. If I didn't answer or was too busy to call him back right away he would mention that down the road, "Well, you never pick up your cell, why do you even have one." He may even resort to, "I guess you are just too busy for me." (GUILT) It was extremely passive aggressive. He may say it as a joke or a digg. However, If I needed to call him and he did not pick up, he was upset with me to the point of telling me that he thought I was "up his ass all of the time." That was his most favorite thing to tell me. So, whenever I needed something it was me being demanding but his constant needs were seen as something I should be glad to do for him.

When Jay would be late to my house, I would tell him that I would appreciate him being on time. I'm not talking about 30 minutes or less. I'm talking 1-3 hours late consistently. He immediately went into hurt puppy mode, defeated mode. He may turn that defeat into the "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you" speech. If I didn't want to fight with him I would forgive him. If I was frustrated with his behavior, I might say, "Why do you always have to say that?" "What does it mean anyway?" From there he would talk about the traffic (EXCUSE) and that he was doing the best he could. Why wasn't that enough? He would say, "You don't act like you are happy to see me." I was angry. He would show up and bitch about this and that as though coming out to see me was such a hassle. At the point it became too much for me, I would sit down and start crying. I just couldn't believe he could be so mean. Then he would annouce he was leaving. (Punishment and Manipulation). If I asked him to stay, he would get angrier and act like my presence in my own house was bothering him. One time it did get violent when I went flying out of a door onto a deck as he pulled me with his right arm. Jay would say that I had caused his anger. That if I hadn't brought X up as a topic, then he wouldn't be forced to get angry. He would act as if it were my fault that he had to get upset. And this meant I had no right to be upset with him. He often said "I told you in the beginning this is how I am." As if this declaration was his 'disclaimer' on all future angry outbursts.

Jay was a master at the 'excuse' and he had them for everything. There was always an excuse. He can't clean his apartment because he's too tired. You are too tired for a year? He couldn't buy groceries because he worked long hours. He couldn't manage his money because he didn't make enough. He couldn't wash his own clothes because he was out of money and had no time. He couldn't buy something on Ebay because he wasn't sure how to search for it. He couldn't find the bathroom because the woman at the store was rude to him. It was always because of someone else or because of a situation that was out of his control. If only he had more time and money he could take care of the things that he should be doing anyway.

Jay used his tears like a nuclear weapon. The guy cried at any given moment. He knew that it made me feel bad and that it would stop whatever I was saying or doing and pay 100% attention to him. I thought he was depressed and he might have been but the tears he shed were a 'show' to endear me to him. The day Amy died he called me and used his 'fake' tears on the message. I really thought he was faking, he didn't sound like he was sad or upset. It sounded forced. He continued to use those same 'fake' tears with me when he wanted to talk about Amy. At this point I was doubting everything. Jay uses tears to get sympathy from women, men, people at his job, family and the limited amount of friends he has. He missed his mom. I could understand that. However, his mom died in 1998 and he still cried (like a baby) over it. As if it had just happened in the last year or so. He becomes severely depressed in August of each year because of his mom's date of death and birthday but he never goes out to visit her grave. Yet he will use this as the reason he will never leave Long Island.

He uses what is available to him. Words, silence, anger, his mom, Amy's death, his work hours etc to control what he wants, to obtain what he wants, guilt, everytime without fail. If he apologized, he did it to bring me back to something he needed or wanted not because he was truly sorry.

Dr. Robert Hare says this about psychopaths in his book Without Conscience:

Poor behavior controls

In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Although psychopaths have a "hair trigger" and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths "blow their stack" it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are "cold;" they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper.

It's not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation.

Great Article from Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths

2009-06-06T08:56:00.002-04:00

Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths posted this great article from this site: http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/ To read the entire article in addition to other very valuable information, please visit this site today.

This article specifically describes the experiences I had with Jay Capozello. He was a constant drain on my time, my attention AND my resources. He is absolutely diabolical and without empathy or remorse for any of his past actions. I will be posting chat logs soon so that you can tell from the way he wrote how he used the below points to feed his never ending ego and need for adoration and attention.

Jay Capozello is a cold and calculated predator who will get rid of you whenever you have served your purpose to him. His 'nice' guy ploy is just that, a ploy. He kept Amy on an emotional rollercoaster, pushing her away when he wanted to see his other girlfriend and then pulling her close when he was lonely or needed money or sex or food.

It's been 4 months since Amy's death. Today there is a benefit for her memory and to donate to the fund of the people affected by the fire.

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the e motional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming self comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The narcissist does not only feed of adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed. Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims. Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.

He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.

Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

These people are sometimes called TOXIC....but

2009-05-27T09:13:00.007-04:00

I was surfing this AM and found this article on Yahoo.com. I've read things like this before in regards to relationships and I have to say this has been the most accurate one to date. What the author is getting at is.......these are also traits of psychopathy. Most people think that psychopaths are only related to the nasty serial or stalker type personalities we see in the movies. If only it were so black and white.

I know so many women who make 'excuses' for the below behavior. I know! I was one of them. I'm not proud to say it but I had a problem...I wanted to please the unpleasable man. The more he resisted, the more I wanted to 'fix' the problem. What I recently realized is these type of people can never be pleased. A psychopath will carry more than just one of the below traits.

If you find yourself in a relationship with one of these 'type' of people, rethink your decision of why you stay. Love is a hard thing to define when you are in a toxic relationship. Being alone is no fun. However, when you live or date one of these 'type' of people, you will slowly lose your own identity. Most of you will already feel alone or worse......crazy. When you remove the fear of why you stay the logical process kicks in and you start to look at yourself in a different way. Stronger. If you can find the strength to get out you should. Being someone's emotional punching bag is not your job. Your job is to discover who you are and live for you.

Jay Capozello portrayed numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8.

8 Toxic personalities to avoid by Brett Blumenthal-Sheer Balance

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

Jay Capozello- Liars, Cheats, and Thieves OH MY!

2009-04-06T11:33:00.009-04:00

Jay has so many things wrong that it is very hard to pinpoint the nuances of what makes him the way he is. He could get upset over the slightest thing, like someone parking too close to him at the 7-11 or if Jeff (his boss) didn't respond right away to an email he had sent. If someone gave him a 'dirty' look at work, he would obsess for hours over what it meant. He has such poor social skills, it's so hard to imagine how he was able to get by in life. Well, he got by because others made concessions for him. They made excuses. Myself included. I made SOOO many excuses for this lazy piece of shit.

Below are things that are indicative of psychopathic mindset and the examples as it related to Jay Capozello:

-Freudian slips of the tongue (indicative of mental conflict)- Jay would say that he told his friend Gonzolo that his 'friend' (ME) was looking for a web developer. When I questioned him on it why he used the term 'friend' he brushed it off as me analyzing everything he said. He told me that Gonzalo was recently back in his life and he didn't want him knowing his business. YEAH Right!

-Guilt feelings (covered up, but wants to be punished for something)-Jay constantly did this. He would get pissy with me if I didn't say 'HI' the right way. It was like he wanted to fight. Or, when he said, "I'm sorry if it's not good enough for you." We could be talking about something simple like the time we were going to meet. Then he would say, you put me in a bad mood so now I am not going to talk to you. So, he would get mad at me and punish me for something he had guilt over. Being around him was like walking on eggshells.

-Uses defense mechanism of projection (blaming others for own faults)- I can only think of one time that he ever apologized to me. He was upset when I logged online and wanted to talk to him on the phone. He got enraged. He was yelling and yelling and I just hung up. I was so upset. So, about 30 minutes later he called me back to tell me he was not just apologizing so I would pay for his storage. But that's exactly why he was calling me back. He was constantly telling me I didn't seem interested or that he felt ugly and that no one would love him.

-Uses defense mechanism of displacement (ditching, self-handicapping, settling for 2nd best, being own worst enemy, but feels entitled to something or being 1st)-OMG....he always felt entitled or that he was the best, 1st, etc. He told me everyday how great he was.

-Oral fixation (smokes or always has to have something in mouth)-Usually fixated on eating candies, Skittles, Reeses Pieces.

-Oedipus complex (or other love/hate relationship with parents)-YES! He sainted his mom and villified his dad.

-Comes from dysfunctional family or broken home (absent or abusive father)-YES! Abusive Father.

-Impervious to fear, anxiety, depression, or remorse (unremorseful)-High Anxiety, High Fear, Hi level of Depression.

-Superficially charming, a real cool cat (manipulative and conning)-He acted like he was Mr. Cool but inside he was afraid of everything.

-Inability to love or express emotions deeply, can't respond to kindness (cold)-Jay could not respond to kindness. Once he told me, "I've never asked you for anything." This after he asked me for a ton of money, food, my time and attention.

-Pathological lying (for no reason at all, can't help self)-Apparent for the 'song' he said he wrote for me. In additio

-No self-insight (doesn't reflect much upon own personality makeup)-Didn't have this at all. Did not possess the depth of understanding his own personality. He had to rely on what I liked in order to 'fake' liking it. He would tell his 7 year GF that he was going to start eating Oranges, Pomegrantes because I did. He would tell me he found a new album or movie because his brother recommended it to him.

-No self-humor (can't stand to be the butt of jokes or can't laugh at self)-Please see my YOU THINK I'M A JOKE post.....he did not like to be laughed at, ever.

-A fairly high IQ (good grades in school or disparity in achievement)- I didn't see a high IQ with Jay but rather a stunted knowledge base. He barely knew what state he lived in let alone typical facts you learn in High School. He has no knowledge of world events, politics, etc. He doesn't read but he tells you he loves to read a book from time to time. Maybe a comic book but nothing substantial. Intelligence from being book smart he didn't have. Street smart? I didn't see this either. He had a hard time finding his way around NYC. In addition to this, his emotional intelligence was low.

-Uses neologisms (makes up strange new words, abbreviations, or sayings)-OMG, this is so Jay. I called them Jayisms, or Yahooisms. OMG!! His work Ethnic....OMG!

-Fascination with fire (or death, or purified ways to destroy something)-Fascination to fire. He was obsessed with fire when he came over to my house. He would sit and stare at it for hours. He would beg me to get fire wood so he could light the fire. It was like he received orgasmic pleasure from it.

-Cruelty to animals (dislike of animals)-Jay spoke of how he loved dogs, diskliked cats. I had two dogs in Southampton that I watched. He never wanted them near him. My own dog he didn't want around. Yet, my cat, he let crawl up on him. I got two little mini dogs and he never even picked them up. Never wanted to know about them. But when one died, he would give me hell for not going to pick up her ashes at the vet. I just couldn't bring myself to do it at that time.

-Lack of probity, courtesy, or doesn't tolerate society's "niceties" or obligations-No, Jay was extremely courteous (AT FIRST). He was very polite. Once he asked our waitress if he could 'bother' her for salt and pepper. I've never had to hold back laughter as much as I did when she looked at him and said, "Yeah, it's right there on the table." But during a disagreement he was mean and cruel. He said hateful things, hardly the 'nice' person he started out to be. He had no idea how to do something for someone else. He was not a courteous person but rather selfish. Very selfish. Everything was about Jay. It was like the TV was permanently stuck on JAY TV.

-Moody, obsessive-compulsive, suffers from one or more phobias-Jay is OCD, he has a lot of phobias, MOODY!!! He can change moods like minutes on a clock.

-Does not tend to learn from mistakes unless immediate punishment given-
Correct, I gave Jay a lot of leeway. He acted the same way over and over. Then at times he would act as if he were a child, put his head on my shoulder and then want me to punish him as I would my kids.

-Lack of formal-operational thinking (tends to think in concrete, black-or-white terms)-Very black and white. There was no room for Gray with Jay. He either liked or hated you. There was no middle ground. You were the angel from heaven of the devil from hell.

-Identity conflict (often with delayed adolescence, hasn't grown up in certain ways)-Well, this is obvious by his apartment, his lack of bank account, his lack of planning for a future. At 36 he had no idea how to find the bathroom in the mall let alone plan for a future. He would often refer to himself as a "Late Bloomer."

-Preconventional morality (thinks things are wrong only because it might lead to punishment or it's not in his/her best interests right now, failure to understand disparities between own behavior and socially acceptable behavior, often in trouble with law)- Jay had several unpaid tickets which led to a warrant for his arrest. He also had a suspended license. This meant he was unable to drive yet he still did. He has a complete disrespect for the law, his responsibilities, paying bills, debts, etc. Yet he expects those who have borrowed money from him to pay it back.

Pink- Please Don`t Leave Me (OFFICIAL Music Video)

2009-03-20T19:44:00.017-04:00

This clearly shows a song about a psychopath. There is so much depth and meaning to her songs and her videos. This is a great one for girls and guys of all ages all over the World.

Whether you are male or female, psychopaths are out there. You can see how the girl in this video doesn't 'connect' to the guy. She's abusive and controlling. Look beyond the 'funny' parts and realize that what she is saying is serious stuff.

You can see how she treats him as a 'possession' rather than a person. You can see her tilt her head after he falls because she is not even sure how to react but she knows she must react. She has an audience of dolls. Dolls are not real, they do not have emotions, she can relate to that.

When he tries to escape she pulls out all of the stops, crying, pleading and then to hurting him (debilitating him) and then to threatening to kill him with her AX. In the end, he may be 'free' of her but as we all know, we are never truly 'free' which is why she gets up at the end of the video.

Just listen to the words. When I first saw this I had chills and tears. I had some friends listen to the words first and then listen to the words along with the video. You get a much scarier view of their world. I've highlighted the ones that have specific meaning to how a psychopath will make you feel in any relationship.

You are not crazy. Be safe in your relationships.
LuckyGirl

Please Don't Leave Me Lyrics

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?

I can be so mean when I wanna be........I am capable of really anything I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is....broken

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this.......Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest

But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry Baby please don't leave me

No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
No
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

The Sixth Sense

2009-02-25T14:06:00.017-05:00

Everyone has seen The Sixth Sense. That's how I feel now. I'm at the end of the movie and the real story line was just revealed and Bruce Willis is DEAD! What? Now we have to go back and fill in the blanks of what we heard and saw and then the REAL reality of it all. We were fooled by this movie. I was fooled by this person. I went back to the early notes, IMs from the beginning, wondering if there was something I should have seen. And yes, the flags were Bright RED and waving to get my attention but I missed them. ALL of them. He acted like such a 'nice guy' a 'rare find' in his own words.

It's been almost month where I got pissed at Jay ended our relationship. It's been just 3 weeks since I confronted him about Amy (at the time I had no idea he was still seeing S.E. his GF of 7 years). As usual he tried to spin it back on me and start telling me about his grief. But if that's true, why did he have plans on going to the Slip Knot concert with S.E. on 2-5-09? Because they are just friends? No, because he was trying to get her back into his life and it was working. She (S.E.) found out they were getting married on Friday 2-6-09, even if I hadn't of called her two days prior, she would have read the article. Who knows if she would have allowed him to give her some BS excuse but my gut feeling is that she is too strong for that. Even if I hadn't broke it off with him, I too would have been reading the same news and thinking to myself, WTF?

I wonder if the people who knew him at work or his own family knew that he was engaged to Amy. I tend to doubt it because I think he is the one who told Amy's family this line so that they could have peace. Jay would tell me, there is a reason for my madness. Now I know what it was. To make yourself look like a good guy when in reality you are just a snake. From what S.E. said, he made it seem like Amy was some stalker who threatened to kill herself if he didn't pay attention to her. She even thought that Amy was psycho until she spoke to me. Then she realized that Amy was telling the truth more because my stories about how Jay would act were eerily similiar to Amy's.

A part of me knew I would never hear from him again. There was a part of me that was waiting for an explanation, an apology, something....but nothing. To get NOTHING. That was a slap in the face. Even if it were in email form, I would have read it, digested it and tried to make some sense of it. I would have tried my best to hear what the real Jay was saying. It would not have changed anything but I guess his admittance or accepting of the responsibility of wrong doing would have given me a sense that I could obtain closure.

I have to stick to my original conclusion, he is a psychopath. Someone who said they loved me so much, cared about me so much, who maybe just got caught up in something with another girl, well, they would have tried to apologize in some way. And it makes it very black and white. He didn't care at all. When he was eating Thanksgiving Dinner with S.E.'s family and opening Christmas gifts with her, he was telling me that he was all alone and he 'might' go to his friend's house. When he called me late at night to tell me that he was so in love with me, he was just bored and had no one else to talk to. When we went to see a movie, I had no idea he had seen the SAME movie two days prior with S.E. When he would come out to my house in Southampton, I had no idea he had just finished with having dinner with her. He never ate much and I always thought that was strange but it was because he had just finished eating with someone else.

And so, I have 3 years worth of 'these' fill in the blank memories. It will be awhile before I heal.
I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone else again. Ever. I had trust issues coming into this relationship but he worked so hard on telling me what a great guy he was and how I needed to trust him. For this? WHAT a FUCKING PRICK. ASSHOLE. COWARD. LIAR. PUSSY. BASTARD. CHEATING SON of A BITCH.

How can you be with someone for 3 years and then just not offer an apology or at the very minimum an explanation. He lied to me for 3 years about who he was, what he was, what his intentions were, what his motivation was.

Back in July 08 I really started to pull back due to the money issues and the consistent way he would talk to me, treat me, and then blame me for upsetting him. I guess in my mind I thought it would just work itself out. I thought we would part eventually and be friends. He told me he just stops calling a girl or seeing her as much when he wants to break up. I was waiting for that and I really thought that's what December was all about, distance. We had tried to make plans and he sounded genuine when we couldn't do it due to the weather or schedules or being sick.

Just to know that above the financial and time investment, I cared about him. I have always cared about him, very deeply, even if it wasn't love by definition. To realize that he didn't care about me at ALL, that was the biggest shock. Well, he cared when it was beneficial to him, when I was giving him sex or money or paying for our dates or giving him advice. When I became a regular person not doing any of these things, then he would toss me aside like a used Kleenex. He sounded so convincing.

I know this about Jay, he doesn't just part and remain friends, he can't do that. It's a big dramatic exit but he will take you back if you are the one that initiates the conversation. He would tell me it shows you are making an effort. Well, asshole, I made lots of attempts, more than I should have. But you, how many 'attempts' did you really make? I am thinking of two.

One after he threw me down on my back deck and then another time when I called to tell him about a 'contact' I had made for his voice acting, but as usualy Jay did not want to be bothered and just 'went off' on me. When he called back 30 minutes later, he made it a point to let me know he was truly sorry and that he was not just using me to pay for his storage. I asked him why he had said that as it hadn't come up. I thought what an odd thing to say but then Jay was always saying odd things. He probably thought, Ok, no one else is on the hook, I have to call back and act like I am sorry or else she will bail on me and I won't have anyone to pay for my storage.
Knowing now that's how he thought of me, well, I'm sick to my stomach. The very sad thing is this is different than a break up. And Jay will spin it to whoever will listen that I am some psycho GF he dated who can't get over him, who is stalking him. Remember he likes to play the 'victim'. Society will also think 'deal with it, you were dumped.' My friends don't even know what to say. I think it would be hard to know what to say. It's not like someone died, but the person I knew died, the part of Jay that I did know, the part of him he allowed me to see....that person died. I did grieve, for him, for me, for not trusting my gut more and for being such an idiot.

Revenge....oh how I want it, but not for reasons one would think. The next girl or girls to come along will go through this same pattern. He will be such a nice guy, they will get close and the girl will want more, they will fight, he will make her feel like it was all her. He will take her back because that is how he works. She will feel miserable inside. She will feel crazy herself because the relationship won't make sense, how can he be so nice and then so hateful?

I am convinced this is where Amy was when she died. I believe she was in turmoil. I think Jay was promising her more and more and telling her what she wanted to hear and she was becoming very possessive and had to do things to get his attention. Like taking too many Ambien, call him up and not say anything, to see if she could get a reaction out of him, just something so that she knew he still cared.

But he was working hard on getting S.E. back. He kept telling me that as soon as crunch was over, he would be spending more time with me. For all I know, crunch ended after GTA 4 came out. I think he couldn't handle how clingy and jealous she was. If she got too close, she would find out the truth. Jay doesn't like people getting too close.

I don't know if he was there before the fire broke out or not. He made some pretty incriminating remarks on the phone to me on 2-2-09. Could Amy have set the fire herself? Who knows, I guess it's possible. She was a smoker. Was she not paying attention? Was she trying to get his attention? Whether he knew anything or not, he treated her like shit and for that he does have some responsibility in her death. How is that fair?

Everything I've read about her made it sound like she was a happy and sweet girl. I believe this was correct. However, when she met Jay, I think she started to change. She started to change because she was falling in love with him. I can tell you from my own experience, there were times when we were together that I thought the same thing. He makes you feel like you are the only person in the universe. That feeling feels so good, who doesn't want more of it?

As one falls in love with Jay, you stop listening to your own instincts and listen to what he needs or wants because he is so good at telling you. AMY keyed S.E. car. Why would someone do that? Jealousy right? I think Jay needed so much attention that he told Amy that S.E. was the stalker and unstable and he was 'trying' to break it off with her. He sees Amy's actions as her proof of how she feels for him......an illegal act, to show him he was hers. In his sick mind, he enjoyed this. He didn't care about S.E.'s car or Amy's criminal activity, either way he had two women vying for his attention.

So, why string me along? Because I was his financial and advice resource. Bottom line, I was just someone to use.

Thinking Errors

2009-02-12T07:40:00.017-05:00

When I read this, I thought, wow, I wished I had seen this two years ago. The signs were always right there. I was the perfect bait. I lived far enough away that he didn't have to worry about me 'checking' up on him even though I am not like that. Not to say I didn't have my doubts because there were times I thought, I wonder if I drove out and sat in front of his house, what would I see? I would have seen the truth.

This article on Thinking Errors is too close to home. For each category listed, I will give an exact true to life example of how Jay fit into the psychopathic model.

Excuse Making

Babe, you know my schedule at work keeps me from having
much down time, you know I would see you if I could.

Babe, I bring my clothes over here because if I didn't, I would have to spend this time at the laundry mat rather than being with you.
I know we just had a fight but I called you back to let you know I am sorry and that I am NOT just using you to pay for my storage.
Can you shoot me some bucks? I forgot my wallet.

Blaming

You are a piece of work.
You are the one with the problem, everything was fine until you brought this up.
You are too sensitive, you need to relax, why can't you take a joke?
I can't believe you are talking to me like this.

Justifying

Well, if everyone would just leave me alone, then I could finish this, I hate to be bothered.
The only reason I was driving with a suspended license is because I can never get time off from work to take care of it. I'm late because the traffic was horrible and the other drivers, well, they shouldn't be allowed to drive on the same highway with me. If it weren't for them, I would have been on time.
You took your time, now I am taking mine, so don't bother me.

Redefining

Question from me to Jay: Why were you late in picking me up? Answer: Well, Ms. late to the ferry because I'm stuck in traffic.....

Question from me to Jay: So, you let those bartenders buy you drink after drink but you get mad at me if it happens when I go out? Answer: You know I am on limited funds.....relax, you get so jealous. I never get jealous or feel insecure with us, you shouldn't either.

Superoptimism

Everyone loves my Aura, even babies, they can sense it.
Why are all of the girls looking at me?
I am going to be wealthy by my voice acting. I know, I can just feel it.

Lying
commission - making things up that are simply not true

I lived in Japan for 3 years. (not even remotely true)
I have a graduate degree. (i barely made it through high school)
My friend Gonzolo helped me move. (my gf Amy helped me move)
I went to the movies with my brother. (i went to the movies with my other gf)

omission - saying partly what is so, but leaving out major sections

I prefer animals to humans....(because they can't talk, bitch, demand).
Don't be silly, you are the only girl in my life....(but since I don't see you very often, I have to date other girls to get what I should be getting from you).
I got home at 7:30 PM and just went to bed early (but I didn't tell you that my other GF came over and spent the night).

assent - making believe that one agrees with someone else, or pretending, or approving of others ideas

You are right babe, I'm in complete agreeance with you.
You are the most intelligent woman I know.
I was never into politics until I met you.
You've shown me a different way to be.
I respect what you think and say.

Making Fools Of- Antisocials delight in making fools of professional people, such as therapists, lawyers, judges, etc

All of the guys in suits stare at me on the subway, I bet they are jealous of how I get to dress for my job. They are all losers.
I hate lawyers.
I don't need therapy, they might lock me up if I even got close.

Build-up

You are not very excited to see me.
I can't believe that guy Flarherty, I said hi to him this AM and he didn't say anything to me, fuck that guy.

Assuming

You don't love me anymore.
You are too busy for me.
When you say you are going out with 'friends' it makes me feel like other guys will be there.
Why don't you tell me you love me? It must mean you are losing interest in me.

"I'm Unique"

I'm a rare find.
I'm not like most guys.
Face it, you would miss me if I was gone from your life.

Ingratiating

I appreciate you so much.
I truly thank you for coming into my life.
You are the best babe.
Thank you for all of your generosity.
No one has ever done these things for me before.
One day I'll tell God what a great person you are.

Fragmented Personality

I'll see Amy on Monday, Shaneqkua on Tuesday, Wed I will go to church, Thursday I'll see Amy again. Friday I will be with my real gf. Saturday and Sunday I will go to Boston to see my other gf.

Minimizing

I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I'm only human.
I don't know why you are so pissed off, I was only joking.

Vagueness

I'll have to wait to see what my schedule looks like after crunch is over.
We'll have to do that someday.
I might go the party after work, I'm not sure.

Anger

You know how to push my buttons.
I can't believe you called me an Asshole in my own home.
You know I am like this, I told you that when we met, I don't know what you would be shocked.

Power Plays (Jay was the MASTER at these!)

I'm hanging up now.
I'm gonna go now.
I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bitch at me.
I need to think.
I'm going home.
I'm busy go away.
Stop IM'ing me, calling me, emailing me-I'll let you know when I am done being pissed off at you, until then, you can just suffer.
I'll give you your money when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?

Victim Playing (He does this extremely well)

I don't know how to do that, no one ever showed me.
I was a late bloomer.
My mom died and I have no one to give me advice. I'm all alone. I miss her (cries for an hour) She died in 1998.
I can't clean my apartment, I'm too busy with work.
My girlfriend won't have sex with me anymore she's just not into it.
No one understands me but you.
I don't have any food in my place until next payday.

Drama-Excitement (He always had drama)

Can you believe the night I had last night?
I can't believe the things I have to put up with just to be with you.
You Asian women are all the same.
Well, maybe I'll just find someone to replace you with, a new model.
I'm sure there are lots of other girls out there who would do what I want.

Closed Channel (It is permanently stuck on Jay TV)

I'm smarter than everyone I work with.
I'm a good person.
I'm the best boyfriend, I treat you like gold.

Ownership

You belong to me.
You will never escape me.
I will stalk you.
You will need to sign a contract to be with me.

Image

I'm the best looking guy on this floor.
I almost had to kick someone's ass on the train today.
Don't worry flower, no one will ever harm you, I will protect you.

Grandiosity

I'm the best.
No one can beat me on these games.
No one can write as many bugs as I can.
I'm going to be famous.

Procrastinate

I don't want to think about that right now.
I don't have time to discuss that right now.
Oh you need me to call you now? Well, I'm really busy and I don't have much time so the call can only be a few seconds.
I don't want to clean my place tonight, I just want to relax.

If I could write a letter to Jay it would say THIS.......Dear Jay, You are a fucking Psychopath!

2009-02-10T21:26:00.027-05:00

I have so many things to say to you, so buckle up. I have refrained from using 7 year GF's name out of respect for her. You had my trust, my support, my friendship, my love, my insight, my heart. Those things together allowed me to give to you when I didn't have much to give as it was. You wanted my sympathy, my empathy and my financial support. I was always ready and happy to help. I only got upset when you took advantage of me or seemed uninterested in doing what I needed you to do, ie, pay me back, take me out for a nice dinner, pay for a hotel once in awhile, pay for some of the gas, not get mad at me and shut the conversation down when I asked for anything.... Gee, what a concept, being a real guy rather than some leech >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (picture to the right, LEECH) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

who has to take money and trust from a single mom. You took that money from me and my daughter. Always with the promise of paying it back. We are not talking about a few hundred bucks. We are talking about 6k. To me, that is a lot of money. When someone like your brother (Matt) failed to pay you back....You would turn around and bitch about what a loser he was for not paying you back $600. WTF? This is indicative of how you are. You selfish fuck. I wonder if you told Amy you gave $1000 and several gift cards to 7 year GF for Xmas 08??? Probably not. Did you mention to anyone that your own father disowned you over $160.00??? Pretty extreme but then again you are just like him.

I will do everything I can with the Suffolk County Court System to get back what you owe me. Luckily I have all of my emails, all of the many IMs where you asked for money, all of those stupid Western Union papers to document when I sent you money. In addition to this, I've asked you for my personal property back, my laptop, my camera, my dishes, my sweaters and my DVDs. You've ignored that request too.

Wake the hell up already. You live like you are 13 year old. You barely have a refrigerator in your new place and no stove. What man at 37 years old lives like that? You've never had a gas or electric bill in your name. I did hear that it wasn't you who negotiated when you got your car, it was 7 year GF. What a pussy you are. She told me how you loved to tell everyone what a great negotiator she was. But you put a different spin on it didn't you? You need so much attention from so many people. And, why did you have to get the same car I had? Really Jay? Same car, different color. And you spent so much time asking other people what they thought you should get when you knew all along.

Just like you did when I sent you all of the Ikea information. You still went out to Ikea and spent 4 hours walking around making a 'decision' with 7 year GF, when you had already made up your mind a week earlier.

This is similiar to how you would go and see movies with me or Amy and then sit through the same movie with 7 year GF and act like you had never seen it. That's about as psychopathic as you can get. You also went to the New Longon Aquarium with me and Bibbs in New London, CT a year before you went with 7 year GF and her parents! You acted as if you had never been there. Amazing!

You've said that 'when you are rich'.....you will do X X and X for your family or friends, you know, the people who supported you during your 'rough' times. The thing I realize now is this....the type of person you are today is the type of person you will be tomorrow. Money doesn't change generosity. Money doesn't change selfishness.

You used to tell me that knowing me I had given you a new way to be, you wanted to feel pride and accomplishment. What a crock of SHIT. It came at a very high cost for me, my trust. If I had to put a price tag on trust, it would be sky high. You've messed up any chance that I will have at being able to trust someone else for a very long time.

And not just me, 7 year GF is going to have a hard time over all of this. Why? Because you were nice to her. Sure you had your issues but you played the perfect BF, you did what she wanted you to do. Make sure she always had flowers, make sure you saw movies every week and went to dinner, make sure you planned things and picked up your slack. It's harder to believe that someone so nice is really a wolfe in sheep's clothing. Luckily Amy had contacted her directly. Well, I'm not sure if you count keying her car as contact but it was contact nonetheless. And with my phone call to 7 year GF recently, I have filled in any blanks that may have existed and shown her a different side to you. The side that Amy told her about. When Amy told her in October 08, 7 year GF didn't believe her, she thought she was a psycho. I'm sure you are the one who told her all about Amy being a psycho.

So, I came along and really bursted the bubble for you. I sent her all of my receipts to prove you and I saw each other, all of the emails, IM's, photos. You said so many bad things about her. But, after speaking with her for hours, she really is a nice girl. Smart and geniune. She filled in the gaps for me as well. I have to tell you, February 4, 09 12:03 PM was a day for eye openers.

You called 7 year GF at 6:02 PM on the day you find out that Amy died? You called me at 7:35 PM. Your message sounded so rehearsed, staged. It wasn't even a good try at sounding like you even cared. Remember I was there for Yoshi? That was me who spoke to you when she died in your hands. I heard the grief in your voice and I'm sorry but the grief you had for Yoshi dying and the grief you had over Amy dying were very different. You had so much more emotion and sense of loss over Yoshi than you did over Amy.

You have a string of girls who either can't or won't talk to you and still you don't learn from that. Of course it is everyone else, not you. Right? Can't they see I'm grieving? No, they see but it's not grief we see, it's psychopathy at it's finest.

You were full of promises.....we'll just call them LIES. Promises (LIES) to everyone but at the end you were getting sloppy. You had to have known that those plates would one day come crashing down. In December you started to slip up and forget who you were talking to and cover it with "Oh didn't I tell you?" Or telling me it was me being forgetful. I mean you are forgetful but I would have expected more precision from you. Mr. Analyst.

You were going to move in with Amy remember? Do you even remember asking me what I thought about that? I mean, if the two of you were getting married per the Newsday article, you would think you would have gone to live with her when Cathy left. But if you lived with her, then you couldn't see your 7 year GF or anyone else. Living with Amy would have put a big crimp into your lifestyle. No, you never had any intention of this but you told me so that I would get suspicious and upset. Which I did. I'm supposed to believe you've known Amy for 3 years? If that's true, then why didn't she do your taxes, she worked at the IRS.

I know you know that she looked up your taxes and found my name as the person to contact and then she confronted you. Of course you told her I was just a 'friend.' That's how you refer to all of the girls you juggle around. Amy was smart. But she didn't buy it because I started getting those crazy emails.

You knew who had sent them but you acted as if you knew nothing or why someone would be sending me such emails. She was trying to tell me something back then. She did find my business card at your house...remember? When she copied your house key and then took some of your precious video games? Your 7 year GF told you that Amy was the one who took them in October 08. However, you started to bring up how you were livid that they were stolen as you began to unpack in your new place. You hinted around for me to buy them because you were broke. Sorry dude but you just got a 12k bonus from Rockstar and in a month it's all gone? WTFE Jay? Where did it go? Well, maybe you didn't really get 12k just like you didn't really get a 10K bonus in July 08. If you went through all of that money then you are just an idiot. But my guess is you still have most of it tucked away still.

You lied about working both days on the weekends so many times. Or you would say you had to work down on the 4th floor. For all I know, the 4th floor is some broom closet. When I came out to move from Southampton to Boston, I did a little drive by your house. There your car sat. When you thought I was at the Ferry, I was actually in Selden 'checking up' on you. You lied right to me. I assumed you just wanted another day off without me being right there. If I had any inclination you were lying so that you could shuffle around 5 other girls, I would have left you then. But you even deny when someone is staring at you with die hard proof.

You really have it down. Make them feel like they are crazy and then start messing with their head. Make them believe you are the nicest guy, the 'rare' find and make it all about their own insecurity, destabilize them and when they are almost down, kick them again so they won't get up so quickly and question you again. You do this with words because you are too much of a pussy to confront any of us.

This is why I don't worry about you driving up here and setting fire to my house. You are too lazy to get on the Ferry or drive up here just to hurt me. But you did always say you would stalk me. And that I could never escape you. That's why I had to get a restraining order. Plus you know that if you ever show up here, Will will kick your ass and not think twice about it. He is completely disgusted by you. He thought you were a nice guy. And don't you think he's pretty upset that you took money from Bibby's account? That's a pretty spineless thing to do.

Our last phone conversation on 2-4-09 was great wasn't it? I confronted you about Amy and you lied to me again but this time for the absolute last time. And true to form, you got angry and hung up on me. I notice you didn't answer my text that I sent after that hang up, nor the email with what your MySpace page should have said. Liar. Cheat. Thief. I can't think of one nice thing to say about you. Your name incites lots of emotions and none of them are good.

And now you suffer in your own way only because you, (Jay) didn't get what he wanted. But in reality, Jay you never knew what you wanted because you only lived for today, not tomorrow. Only for right now. What does Jay need? Sleep? Food? Sex? A friend? Whatever Jay needs at the time he needs it is what you want. Like a child.

Even my 2 year old can delay her own gratification for the things she demands. You even needed attention from a 2 year old. Those pics of you and her at the Aquarium, how sweet I thought they were. And the pic of all of us that I gave to you, well, I'm sure that went right into the trash on the Ferry ride home. All of your talk on how you missed us and how you couldn't wait to see her again and how you wished she was yours. Now it all makes sense. You only wanted her because she is so cute and people paid attention when she was around.

You don't care about anything but Jay. You have to make sure you tell everyone how great you are because you know deep down that you are not right in the head, you know you have issues that go beyond depression. You've known for awhile that something is wrong but to blame yourself is like putting a gun to your head. That's the issue with narcissists, they love themselves too much to kill themselves.

You told me on so many occassions, "You know me better than I know myself." I had no idea what it meant until now. You were blank, hollow, empty inside. You needed my personality to fool others. When I spoke to your 7 year GF, we found it odd that it was her that I dated and me that she dated (personality wise).

You might truly be a 'late bloomer' but that is no excuse for 'sucking' in bed (and that's not a compliment). First of all, you need to initiate sex with a girl, not the other way around. Secondly there is something called foreplay. And third, you don't have to act like all girls are fragile, you are not THAT big. But it was good sometimes only because you could hold your orgasm until after me. I heard it wasn't like that for the 7 year GF. Girls like to be a little aggressive and really get into SEX. She said you only did missionary though and that you couldn't hold your own erection. That was probably because you weren't in control in that relationship.

Your psychic visit. You left out the part that this was one of Amy's relatives that told you someone would betray you. Perhaps they really meant you were going to betray someone.

I hope someday Karma will intervene and bring you physical pain, because I know you know how that feels. Serious physical pain. A body cast of physical pain. It's the only way you'll even understand how your victims feel.

You told me, relationships never work out for you. Well, there is a reason why. When I saw you for the LAST time in mid January 09, you looked at me and said, "I love you, don't forget that ever." "I owe you so much." Yeah, you do...that's the understatement of the Millenium. But what about the other girls, what do you owe to them? Amy's gone. 7 year GF is gone, I am gone. Who else left you during your grief? Anyone who has any sense.

Oh and BTW-I have forgotten that you loved me sooooo much, it was fairly easy to forget. It's hard to love someone you don't respect and I began to loose respect for you in July 08. The reason was fairly simple, you morphed into your asshole stage and you remained that way.

You used me from the very beginning. You wanted to come to MY house in Southampton because it was really nice, you could use my washer and dryer, you could be away from your other GFs and you knew you would never get caught there.

You are the 'piece of work'...........but your game is 'over'.......as they say in your line of work, your game environment is seriously derranged. If I could name a video game for you, I would call you 'Resident Evil.' The only hope I have for you is that you get your stint in the local mental hospital. It's where you belong. You are not one of us and you will never be. You will always feel that life is unfair, you will always blame everyone else, you will never accept normal responsibilities in life, you will be envious of what other people have.

You will always feel like you have to prove yourself to those around you. I don't feel sorry for you. I don't pity you. That would imply forgiveness of some type. You talk about your religious side and one day you will have to be accountable there. Maybe then you will find your justice in hell, where you belong.

You would plead with me through your drunk texts never to throw you away. That was only for attention. That was to show me that you were vulnerable. You were probably high off of your ass and watching UFC and smiling when you sent that message. The night before I met you, you had called me up drunk off of your ass and I remember clearly the nasty things you said to me. Of course you didn't remember them and wondered why I wasn't talking to you. You show up with this stupid Walmart Stuffed Animal as some sort of peace offering, well, you will see that again (when you are not even looking).

The person that you really were.....the one I am starting to see with eyes wide open, I am slam dunking this mother fucker right into the trash, without a blink.

A'ight Bitch?

Responsibility

2009-02-10T14:30:00.013-05:00

This predator (Jay) will not take any responsibility in his actions. He will use these past situations to get him more of what he wants from other un-suspecting people, mainly women. He will handle things only if he is forced to deal with it like his suspended driver's license or his 17k judgment forced upon him by Suffolk County or his Tax Levy from the IRS from non filed tax returns years 2003-2008.

Before we had even met, he made me feel like no one did anything for his birthday. That it was never special. So, in August 2006, I sent him a $50.00 Best Buy GiftCard and a "cake" but the cake came to my house instead and he asked me if I was going to replace it. My very first gut feeling is, OMG, are you serious? I don't even know you and I just sent you a gift card and you have the nerve to ask me for something else? He kept on and on and I finally gave in with another $50.00 gift card to Best Buy. He used guilt and manipulation in the form of 'well, I guess I won't be having much a birthday without a cake' or 'maybe I don't deserve another gift, afterall, you did just get me a gift card.'

According to Jay, his cube-mate bought him a DVD for his Birthday, a trilogy set of the Raiders of the Lost Arc movies. Just a few weeks after this, he states he is upset with Mike and that he won't be speaking to him for awhile. I thought this was strange. You see this person most everyday, work in close proximity to him and you are just not speaking? He said Mike was immature and he needed to be punished.

Then when Mike's birthday came around, I asked Jay what he was doing for him and he said "NOTHING, FUCK that guy!" All because he was mad because Mike made a comment that Jay didn't like. WOW! GEE! Had I had my PSYCHOPATH ALERT HAT on I maybe could have spotted this big RED FLAG. This is how JAY treats everyone who pissed him off, does something he doesn't like, dissapoints him, etc.....

I sent him a cookie boquet for Valentine's Day in 2006 and when he took it home, he lied to his GF and said he found it on the break room table. I'm sure the card that came with it went into the break room trash can.

He came to me in December 2007 and told me that his sister Missy was having financial issues and she didn't work. (Come to find out, she works for his GF at Dave and Buster's) He said she was going to loose her house and that his niece would not have a very nice Xmas. Well, I have kids and who wants to think of a child going without for Xmas? Not me. I usually 'adopt' a Christmas Angel from the mall as I like to share this with my own kids so they will learn how to give back. I opted to help out his sister who I had never met. Jay asked me repeatedly, "When are you going to get those gifts down here, it's almost Christmas??"

In an effort to save time, I shopped in Selden, NY for the gifts and in effort to save time, I didn't wrap anything. I gave the bags to him directly. It is unclear if he actually gave her these gifts or if he took them back to the store since they still had their tags on them. The one thing I do know is that Missy had no idea I had been the one who gave these gifts. In fact, while I was on the phone with his GF, Missy walked into work. It is unclear to me if she even registered this as he may have just taken them back and gotten things for himself. That's my guess anyway.

One day he saw my 'change' collection at over $152.00 and he said repeatedly, "You can just give that to me..." I would roll my eyes and tell him to save his own. I chalked it up to him not understanding what is appropriate or not appropriate in social situations. He always wanted what I had. He always wanted the things I bought for my kids. Even toys. He would tell me to tuck him in or check his temperature. He was convinced he had a perpetual fever.

When I bought him an HD DVD player for Xmas in 2007 it did not come with the HD Cables. What did we do? We went right up to Best Buy where I shelled out $120.00 bucks so he could watch TV. He kept saying, "Well, you should have bought them or what good is giving a gift if you can't use it." I, of course felt guilty even though I had just spent money on the gift itself.

When I approached him about paying me back he would say, "I have never asked you for anything, everything you did and gave me was because you wanted to." This may be how he sees it but it's not how he said he would handle paying me back. Yet he complained that his brother Matt had borrowed money and never paid it back. Or that his own dad had dis-owned him over $160.00.

And so, how does this guy end up in at least 3 relationships? Because he didn't ask for the attention, people just came up and started giving it to him. This is how he never felt remotely responsible for sleeping with other girls.

Further, he could not understand it when they would get upset with him. After all, he was just standing there when a pretty girl came up and started talking and flirting, he is not responsible for what happened next.

And when he says he's sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, it only means, he's sorry he couldn't continue to lie so that he could get what he wanted/needed. He would talk about his co-workers going out and paying for girls in strip clubs but my gut says it was probably him doing this. He would tell me that his cube-mate Nathan had to pay for prostitutes just to have sex. I've seen Nathan and to me, he's a good looking guy. On the other hand he would say that Mike had lots of girls he was juggling. Looking back, it was probably Jay who paid for prostitutes. His MySpace page speaks for itself. Who puts call girls on their page?

He would call Nathan a big slacker, always talking to girls, always surfing the web but again, I have a strong suspicion that this was actually his own behavior he was speaking of. I think this is how he alleviated his 'responsibility.' and was able to justify his behavior.

My gut feeling says he has bi-sexual tendancies. He made too many comments about men or their 'dicks' and how they looked to be not at least curious. Especially from his cubemate, Nathan at work. He would tell me about the times he would go into the city and stay with him during crunch. He was convinced that Mike had a 'crush' on him and wanted him for sex. He talked about a dildo that he was sure Mike wanted to use on him. Jay was very delusional most of the time and he was constantly saying things that would make you think, what did he just say?

He needs male attention because he didn't get anything from his dad while growing up. He's afraid of most authority figures and he's not sure how he will handle criticism or take rejection from them. He would secretly say he had a crush on Johnny Depp. He would make comments about my ex and wondered if he would get 'into' watching us have sex. WTF? He was always 'joking' so I never took him to be serious. How many times did I ask for him and I to be friends or friends with 'benefits.' He would cry and tell me he could not have sex with me like that, just being friends. The issue was, he knew I would be less inclined to buy him shit if that were the case and more importantly he wouldn't have control over me.

Sadly, he believes his lies and delusions to the point they become his reality. I think he has to state things (as happening to other people) in a way to confess or put it out there his own deviant behavior. If he tells me Matt's GF is clingy maybe this is his way of telling me his other GF is clingy. Maybe in his mind he can justify his actions by making them someone else's actions.

When he told me I knew him best, I believe him. I believe that there were many times he 'confessed' things he had done by telling me it was someone he knew, or that he would let his guard down long enough for me to see and hear who he really was on the inside. The person I saw was truly frightening and damaged. I do believe he knows he is crazy and a psychopath. Maybe not to the degree or to the definition that non psychopaths understand but on some level, he knows what he is. He has moments of clarity and understands there is something wrong with him. He told me too many times for me to now think otherwise.

I was his 'mother' on some level. Someone to make him feel better, relieve him of guilt, provide unconditional love and understanding. But as it states in one of my other posts, a psychopath will stab you in the back at some point. It only took 3 years for him to do it to me. His GF of 7 years might never see a 'stab' in the back. She may only see his 'regret' and his 'sadness' over what he did, over his lies and manipulation. She will proabably hear the 'I'm sorry' and 'Forgive me' routines. He will do anything to get back in her good graces, maybe not now but soon he will. He will check up on her (another form of stalking) and act as if he only has her best interest at heart. However, we know these people will do anything for their own selfish needs.

Even now, I miss the good person he portrayed himself to be. I miss the person he never was.

Some interesting quotes.....and vomiting

2009-02-10T11:57:00.014-05:00

There are some really good resources out there. I didn't specialize in Psychopathic Behavior during grad school and I'm pretty sure no one does early on. I believe they touch on it in 'abnormal' psych classes and since about 30% of men are truly some form of a psychopath, it would be good measure to start making it course for study.

As our society becomes more sectioned off due to rapid advancements in technology, the psychopathic personality will grow from 30% to 50% or more. Not overnight but over centuries. People need family and extended family and friends to know and judge how to react in situations. If there are a number of people who have a pre-disposition to psychopathy via environment, these numbers are sure to rise.

Some interesting quotes....All of these applied directly to the situations I dealt with during this relationship with Jay:

Psychopaths have a grandiose self-structure which demands "a scornful and detached devaluation of others" (Gacon et al 1992), in order to ward off envy toward the good perceived in people.

Guggenbuhl-Craig, writes in his book The Emptied Soul, that "Relationships (for psychopaths) are things of the moment. . .their motto seem(s) to be 'Out of sight, out of mind.' (41)

They have "an uncanny ability to spot and use 'nurturant' women -- that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others." (Hare, 149). As Hare recounts, a particular "nurturance-seeking missile" who had a local reputation for attracting a steady stream of female visitors seemed to have this talent. He was "not particularly good-looking or very interesting to talk to. But he had a certain cherubic quality that some women, staff included, seemed to find attractive. One woman commented that she 'always had an urge to cuddle him.' Another said that 'he needs mothering.' (Hare, 149).

Also, the psychopath can be very good at feigning love. Guggenbuhl-Craig recalls a few incidents about a psychopath who deluged his sweetheart with presents and affection. None of it was real even though the man acted like he cared for her. One of these psychopathic "romancers" later killed his partner and felt no remorse at all. The woman had merely been taken in by empty gestures. I suspect many women out there who are reading this will identify with this.

Lying is like breathing to the psychopath. When caught in a lie and challenged, they make up new lies, and don't care if they're found out. As Hare states, "Lying, deceiving, and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths...When caught in a lie or challenged with the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed -- they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie. The results are a series of contradictory statements and a thoroughly confused listener." (Hare, 46).

Psychopaths may also sense that they are different and damaged when compared with others, which feeds further resentments.

Everyone who knows a psychopath will be stabbed in the back, sooner or later.

Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so.

The psychopath also appears not to be able to remember what they had said or committed to for very long. They seem to always be living in the present. That is why they are usually guilty of being big promise-makers who cannot live up to their word. Once again, it will be the victim who must deal with the aftermath of all the psychopath's twists and turns, and when he gets you angry enough, you will be discredited as "defective" by him, and the psychopath will often make himself out to be the real victim.

I wished I had trusted my gut back in 2006 when I first experienced the twinges from him over the phone or email. When he wouldn't talk to me for TWO days because he thought I dated a black guy, he told me directly that I was DEFECTIVE. Of course he got his facts wrong and misinterpreted what I had said but in his mind, this was how he saw me. What I had said was I had a good friend who was a doctor who took me out to dinner after my grandmother passed away. And yes, he was black. So? Who do you think you are to judge me for something that happened BEFORE meeting you? And even if it were a 'date' so what????

He talked about the black people he works with and how he hated them. One of the guys had had a baby and he was livid over having to give up $5.00 bucks as a donation! He called me up to bitch about this one day and how he didn't have any money and even if he did how he wouldn't pay it. He can get very twisted and bent out of shape when they do or say something to him. I don't comment on it and I should have picked up that he was a racist but he waffles so much, I could never tell if he was serious or not. He doesn't have a problem with black women as he had stated on several occasions that they really dig him. He seems to like this type of attention. But then again, he likes attention from ANYONE. There was a black guy who worked at the Best Buy close to his job and he just went off on the possibility of him getting a job at Rockstar. Citing that they better not hire him over his brother Matt. He was livid about this issue for days. Even ignoring one of the girls he had previously been friends with because she suggested he apply for a job. How silly is that? To be upset like he was? How mature? Not mature at all.

He gave me several indicators that I needed to be a non smoker, virginal, from a good parental structure, produce good looking kids, educated, submissive, etc. However upon learning more about Amy, I find out she had her issues. Smoker, had been raped, was taking pills to cope. This amazes me as the person I knew as Jay Capozello would have NEVER NEVER NEVER dated a girl like this. It just shows me what a mask he wore. How he lied and deceived to get what HE wanted.

This happened in all facets of his life, work, home, social, he lied to get what he wanted. Jay's boss Jeff was duped on so many occasions. Jay would tell him he had a dental appointment or had some 'other' appointment when in reality, he just didn't want to go work or he wanted to leave early. One day, he kept IM'ing me to ask me if he should stay at work or go home, as if the decision were up to me. Looking back, he'd always had issues. But since they work those guys to death during crunch, I just thought he needed a break. He told me on several occasions he was going to have a mental breakdown if he didn't get his time off. I believed him as he didn't handle stress very well. But as the picture becomes clearer he was probably stressed out about having so many lies and women to juggle all at once.

I should have picked up on the signs, the clues...the BIG CLUES. So, I sit here and wonder why I missed it. If I had been watching a scary movie, I would have said, "Wow, that poor idiot, she should have done this and not that....." I didn't even realize I was the poor idiot.

I'm sure he feels successful in hurting me the way he did. I'm sure there is a piece of him that revels in the glory of my tears and my need to rescue him. I'm sure my behavior was as predictable as snow in the winter. He knew if he said he was 'disappointed' in me I would try to make it up to him. As if he was a parental figure to me, my father. Now I have to step back and say to myself, was I prepped for this type of relationship my entire life? That's what I have to figure out.

I'm sure Jay sits in his apartment 'grieving' over his dead GF or fiance while he plays his video games, gets stoned and drinks himself into oblivion, pilled out on Vicodin, logging in to his MySpace page to see if there are any new victims to entomb...feeling quite happy with himself and his ability to lie, cheat and slither into a life like a virus, undetected. He may feel 'bad' that the three women who paid the most attention to him are 'dead' in a way to him, he may 'grieve' for us as one person because he won't be getting what he wants. He will have to start over with new, innocent and unsuspecting women and to him that is OK because in the meantime he will call out to the few women who don't know the truth, like Cathy his ex landlord, or Shannekqua from his MySpace page and get his basic needs met, food, sex and sympathy. He will hang his head and get teary when he goes back to work as if he is really hurting inside. He will milk Jeff, Nathan, Tamara, Sean, and whoever will take pity on him for every bit of attention they will throw his way. He will feel like life is so unfair, first his mom dies, then his precious bunny, now his fiance? He's estranged from his family, he has no one to lean on, no one who can understand what this new 'loss' means to him and he will use this excuse for years to come.

The sad part of all of this (besides the trail of victims) is that there is no cure for his psychopathy. Many people will look at him and feel like he's the victim of so many women who took advantage of him. It is like eradicating smallpox. You have to find it first, isolate it and then destroy it. Sounds easy enough but we all know how long it took to isolate smallpox and even now, it crops up from time to time.

Hey Asshole, chew on THIS!

2009-02-05T08:46:00.000-05:00

Just when I didn't think it could get any worse....who knew he was an apparent Psychopath. I mean, he would say sick things like, they should lock me up or if I get anywhere near a mental hospital, they will keep me forever. NO SHIT.I recently learned that he kept a profile on MySpace. OMG. WHAT A JOKE. I can't believe I fell for his crap. The signs were definitely there along the way. He actually said he would 'stalk' me if I weren't in his life and I thought it was a joke. He would say he was twisted, psychotic, crazy, mental....but all jokingly so as to not arouse suspicion. To think that I 'stayed' around to give him just more money. Gee, thanks Jay, that was really nice of you to not cut me loose or trade me in for a new model. What you mean to say was you had already traded me in when I stopped paying your storage bill.

So, here is a snippet in all it's glory and my response to it.

Jay's Blurbs

About me:I am Italian/Irish guy who's height is at 6 feet tall. I have a nice athletic build. I am very funny and sarcastic at times. I am very easy to talk to and laid back. I like to kick back every now and then, and have a few beers or Sake. I am an intelligent person with a great sense of humor. I have alot of passion in everything i do. I am a big animal lover (except for cats, which i dont like). I have a pet dog and rabbits. I like to cook (well i think im an excellent cook too........lol). I love playing my guitar and singing too.

I have many interests. I am very into Asian culture. I lived in Japan for three years and i am currently learning how to read/write and speak Japanese. I am also into music. I write and record my own music. I've been playing the guitar for a number of years.

Jay
Maybe you should take another stab at writing your Blog:

I’m a complete dick and a total waste of time. I’m no where near 6 feet tall but I have to say that because I am so insecure I have to lie about this to impress others. I don’t have such a great body due to the constant ‘munchies’ due to getting stoned everyday. My other personalities think I am funny but the outside world looks at me like I am insane. And I am sarcastic but only to girls who allow me to treat them like shit. I’m fairly easy to talk to because while the girls are doing most of the talking, I’m pretty much thinking about how I can play on their emotions and take them along on my downward spiral. I kick back most everyday indulging in sex where ever I can get it and I mean WHERE EVER I can get it. However when I say BEER, I really mean all beer all the time. I’m a product of an alcoholic and I have to keep the tradition going.

Saying I’m laid back really means I am so lazy that I have to get multiple women to take care of me, in fact, I’m soooo lazy that I can’t even think for myself on most occasions. (And if you have to know the truth-I have a hard time composing a simple email). I’m intelligent in the way any predator is, I sit back and I watch people, I wait patiently for them to approach me (because it inflates my ego) and plan what lie I will use to get them to do what I want. BUT when they fail to do what I want, I become the opposite of laid back, I become violently cruel verbally and physically until they are backed down into submission.

Some of my favorite words are below and how I would use them in a sentence:

Work Ethnics- “Babe, you have an excellent work ethnic.”
Characteristic- “Babe, I play the guitar, it’s one of my characteristics”
Agreeance- “Babe, I am in total aggreeance.”
Intelligence Quotient-“Babe, you have no idea how high my intelligence quotient is.’

Behind my back, these are commonly whispered as ‘Jayisms’

My personality is pretty much void, I don’t understand most humor and tend to laugh during inappropriate times and say the wrong things. However, I’m funny in the way that I create drama in my life and those around me. As long as I have drama, who needs TV? I can watch my handiwork unfold which is better than any reality TV show.

My passion comes from the desire to please myself, so if something is worth it in my eyes, I will act appropriately to get what I want, at any expense, except my own. I am a big animal lover except that I can barely take care of myself. I actually don’t have a dog. I had to give him away to someone I don’t even know because my dad arranged it and I lost track of him over the years. Don’t fall for the rabbit trick, don’t let the innocence of a bunny let you think I must also be like that because if I could really show myself, I would be a python and eat the bunny without blinking an eye. As far as my cooking skills go, I can really only make one dish. When I say I think I’m an excellent cook I really believe it, just like I believe I am awesome in bed. Delusion is a wonderful mindset.

I own several guitars but rarely do I open them up and play. I’m way too busy inflicting guilt and manipulation on unknowing girls to worry about playing guitars. It’s very cool with the ladies especially when I tell them that I wrote them a special song when in reality I just burned it from something I had laying on my desk. I get tons of compliments (which I love) which equals some sick gratification for me but hey, they don’t know and really who cares. I’m just not very adventurous. I’d rather live through other people’s lives than live my own.

I tend to take on the personality of the people I date because I have a hard time even figuring out what I like. I’m polite to a T. Women really appreciate the good manners. Oh, and I do love the Asian girls. I’m very into treating these girls like shit because, well, after all, they are Asian. I think I’m better than everyone and I make no pretense about telling anyone who will listen. I will be learning Japanese until I die only because I have such a hard time with the English language, it will take me a lifetime to make it passed the ‘where’s the bathroom’ and ‘what time is it’ phrases.’ I rarely know the definitions of words I should have learned in grade school and my big dopey guy act really makes girl take pity on me and I love it when that happens because I can manipulate them to do exactly what I want.

Below are some things that have worked for me in the past. Parents beware….

1. Being Manipulative and Deceitful
Psychopaths lie easily and because they don’t feel anxious when doing so, many can pass lie detector tests. They manipulate those around them to get money, free places to stay, sexual favours and sympathy. Most psychopaths are very proud of their ability to lie convincingly, and in addition to lying to evade consequences, they lie to get sympathy. When caught in a lie, they simply move on, leaving shattered lives in their wake.

2. Being Impulsive and Lacking Self-Restraint
Inability to delay gratification combined with a lack of fear and other constraints on behaviour leads to impulsivity. This, along with a lack of empathy, causes psychopaths to be selfish and irresponsible. They are like infants in adult bodies, demanding that others gratify their immediate needs while not understanding that they should offer anything in return. They take what they want when they want it through manipulation, threats or force. Because they lack inhibition, psychopaths tend to be short-tempered, becoming emotionally abusive or even violent in response to minor frustrations, criticism and failure. Quick to take offense, they are inclined to blow up at people, but because their emotions are shallow, such outbursts are usually short-lived. Afterward, the psychopath will behave as though nothing has happened, leaving the victims of his tirade feeling hurt and bewildered.

3. Bragging
Because psychopaths think very highly of themselves, most are prone to bragging. Many psychopaths talk obsessively in an attempt to convey their toughness and importance to others.

4. Having Behavior Problems in ChildhoodHe lies continuously and appears unfazed when caught in a lie. Threats of punishment (and even actual punishment) don’t usually deter him from doing what he wants. Even if he comes from a good, nurturing family, the psychopathic child will usually steal, cut school, have sex, take drugs, start fires, vandalize and be cruel to animals and other children by the time he is just 12 years old.

So, I can’t WAIT to meet you and get this party started!

Lies, Lies, Lies and death...........

2009-02-03T05:49:00.001-05:00

Well, how stupid do I feel? Pretty stupid. I've been assuming all along it's been Asperger's Syndrome solely and that undernearth of this all has been just lack of knowledge on my part and not listening to my insticnt.

Come to find out there are a few other issues going along with his Asperger's. These would include Covert Abuser and Pathological Liar. The latter one is the most scary to me.

Well over two years ago he made me a CD with 'music' on it that he claimed was 'his' own compilation and in fact, wrote a song for me. Wow, my very own song. Needless to say it was written and performed by Marc Rizzo. Lucky for me there is awesome technology these days and it was fairly easy to figure out. I mean, the clues were there. Hey that CD is awesome! Wow you are really talented! Compliment after Compliment. He beemed with delight and approval. But, I just happened to have a friend in the music biz so I mention this to Jay and he freaks out. Telling me he's very private about his work and even getting mad because I let it out of my sight...yeah, because it's stolen.

When I learned about this yesterday I felt intense fear. This one act two years ago tells me things about this person that scare me. It means he's hollow inside. That he has such little self confidence, self-image, self-esteem that he has to fake who he is just to impress people. The guy is pathetic.

However, a deeper and more insane issue is he didn't sound right yesterday. I immediately stopped him two seconds into the conversation and said, Ok, what's wrong? Cause I knew something was wrong. I have been talking online to this person for 3 years. I can just tell when he's not right. He complained about having to work the weekend, never having any time off, being tired etc. The same stuff I've heard daily for 3 years. I wanted to know what his 'big' decision was going to be since he made it clear there was to be one on Monday. But when I asked him this question, he acted as if he had no recollection of telling me he was making such a decision. And further, he said he was waiting on me to tell him what I was thinking. OK WHAT??? Exactly. Nothing with him makes sense. Not because he's forgetful, not because he has Asperger's, not because of anything except this: HE LIES. And he believes these lies when he can keep up with them.

At 7:35 PM I rec'd a VM on my work line stating that he needed me to call him and that it was a FUCKING Emergency. I thought, ok, another ploy to lure me back in by playing on my empathy/sympathy emotions. Now, two weeks ago, he told me his dad was in the hospital. So, I am thinking, Ok, good gosh, his dad may have passed away. So, I called him. Come to find out, it wasn't his dad but his friend Amy, who tragically died in a house fire yesterday AM. I looked it up online, and yes, there was a girl named Amy who died in a house fire. Very very sad! This is the second death to hit him in less than a year. So, I wonder, ok did you really know this girl who died in this fire? Or did you just see her name online and decide to use it as a ploy to get some sympathy out of me? I mean, at this point, who knows what his motivation is.

However upon closer inspection he makes some interesting slips:

He said her brother called him with the news. Then he said the dad called him. He told me her family was calm. Hard to believe because if I lost my daughter in a house fire, I would be a pile on the floor not able to call any of her friends. So, who is he to her that he gets a personal call from a family member? Good friends? Probably not. More than likely Girlfriend. So, now things start adding up. He mentions her to me in December 2008 for the first time. He asks if he should move in with her. Out of the blue, just like that, someone who cannot be in the same room with another human being for more than 5 hours is going to now have a female roomate? Someone I've never heard him mention? As if. He must really think I am stupid to buy that crock. I knew in December that she was more than a friend.

Now as I am talking to him he is extremely upset, anxiety stricken, like he's worried about something. He lost his mom years ago and then his favorite bunny rabit and I've 'heard' the desparation and grief/sadness.....THIS was different. I said, wow, she's just a friend but you act like you are in love with her. And you are taking time off from work because a 'friend' died? Wow, you must be a really good friend to her and her family. He neither confirmed or denied his feelings for her.

He originally told me that he spoke to her the night before last. REALLY? WOW! He hates to talk on the phone but now he is taking calls from her at night? Amazing. Then later in the conversation he said, Maybe I should have DRIVEN back out there. OK WTF? Driven BACK as in you were there earlier and you should have gone back? OMFG! Of course he says no, I only spoke to her on the phone and proceeded to tell me via more lies about what transpired.

She had an Ambien addiction apparently, according to him. And that on another previous occassion he had to pick her up from the hospital after she OD'd on some Ambien. Ok again, how is the hospital supposed to know to call YOU??? More than likely you took her there and waited while she recovered. Oh, and BTW when did this even happen? Because I never heard about this incident. He responds, a few months ago. REALLY? Wow, you tell me everytime you have a bowel movement. And you've somehow let this slip your mind? I don't think so. Then I bring up Starr and how he is always there when she needs something...but he has a retort for everything. But he used his standard, GUILT when it came to keeping me from asking too many questions. I mean, after all, isn't it fair that I be a 'nice' guy and help her out? I mean, what if I didn't have you to talk to, I'd really like it if she did the same for me....GUILT GUILT GUILT.

So, I'm just saying a lot of nothing because I have no sympathy for this predator. He tells me he wants to KILL himself. OK WHAT? Over a friend dying? This doesn't make any sense.

He tells me he was sort of rude to her over the phone and hung up on her cause she pissed him off. OMG, you are supposed to be a friend to this girl and then you just hang up on her and go on about your night. Let's just assume you aren't a liar and that you have been the person you said you were.......SHE did not deserve for you to hang up on her as if her feelings (which I am sure you caused) meant absolutely nothing to you. As if she were trash to be discarded by you. When you said she did not 'suffer'...............WTF? What planet do you live on? She was in a fire and then was still alive when they pulled her out. Maybe it makes you sleep better at night knowing she didn't suffer but wake up Jay, she suffered. She suffered for the time she knew you and when she died. For you not to even realize this or see it or even feel it, makes me wonder if there is not something more seriously wrong with you. Then you talk about your upcoming concert with your friends. A concert should be the last thing on your mind if you are as upset as you say you are. You talk about your mom as if she were a saint. I wonder what she would say now looking at you. Pathetic!

Maybe that was her making your legs tingle on Monday, maybe she's coming to get you.

OMG! Clarity is scary and precise.....

2009-02-02T10:25:00.001-05:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you have escaped death? Like a car accident? Or sensed that gut wrenching fear when you are next to someone in the checkout line? You couldn't put your finger on it but the next day you see where he committed a crime? It's this sort of clarity that I speak of today. As of Thursday of last week, I had that sort of clarity and every day since then as I learn new things about the person I thought I knew.

I had been saying over and over that he acted like this because he had Asperger's Syndrome, but the bigger, scarier picture is he's controlling. Abusive. Predator, possible. Everytime I read something on any of these types, he does have the things that fit into the emotionally abusive category.

I was an abused child. But I have never thought of myself as a victim, far from it. I have a positive outlook on life. I try to see the best in everyone and myself. I have successfully achieved a lot in my life and have so much more to do. So, when he packaged his abuse under the guise of being a nice guy, I fell for it.

One of my friends told me that his behavior was abusive and pointed out to me some of the things I had said before. I then started doing research online and what do you know, there are more than just a few traits he possesses. So, all this time that I was trying to work around Asperger's, it's actually something more.....something more sinister, detrimental, and un-fixable.

After being in an abusive relationship, I swore I would never get 'suckered' in again. However, here I am. He packaged his as the 'nice guy'.....when in reality he was angry, passive-aggressive, selfish, a liar, controlling, abusive....etc....And sitting here now, I think, wow, I fell for it again. So, my feelings I've had in certain phases have actually been right on target. Believing that I was the root of most of the issues because I had my own insecurities.

But due to this last episode, I absolutely knew I had not done anything wrong. He had hurt my feelings by his comments and then made me responsible for making him mad. I haven't spoken to him for one week now. He's punished me for a week. Telling me on Friday that he did not want to speak to me and that he needed time to decide what he was going to do. As if there was any decision needed on his end. That showed me right there that the gut feelings were true, he was controlling me.

Even scarier was that I didn't see it. Why not? Because I figured out that this type of person is attractive to me, because I have a sick desire to please someone who is un-pleasable. If I called him up and offered him a million dollars, he would take it, but in two weeks he would find something else to bitch about. It would never be enough and the realization that I'm like this, made my stomach sick. Of course it goes back to the abuse from my parents.

So, in essence this situation has made me see some things about myself I didn't know were there and extremely scary things about him that I am just starting to see.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Personality

2009-01-29T07:58:00.008-05:00

There is a lot of guilt on my end for allowing myself to get so enraged enough to send such a final email. Yet, dealing with someone who has Asperger's well, they don't understand what they did wrong and any sort of negativity will be met with resistence. So, I believed my only recourse was to cut ties with him quickly. He hurt me and he can't understand what he did wrong, therefore he won't apologize or realize how it has really been for me. All he has ever really cared about is how things affect him.

He has these very split personas. He can be very nice, sweet and caring. I only see that person every now and then. He is typically one step from boiling over. He can be very dismissive when he doesn't want to confront something. Which is why I never had the chance to tell him some of the things I should have. At the same time, he wouldn't have been receptive to them anyway. You saw how he reacted the last time I tried to explain my position and reason with him. The time before that was over the phone. He had mentioned to me several times that I didn't share with him certain aspects of my life. One day when he called, I did go into a few things of what had been going on in my life. At the end of the call he says, "Wow, I only called to say 'hi' I didn't realize that you were going to keep me on the phone for an hour." I hung up the phone and just sat there hurting by those words. I was hurting because he had recently told me that his ex had called him up and wanted to talk for hours, not just once but on a few occassions. So, hearing that he talked to her and then had a problem with me talking to him for an hour, well, you can see why I would be so hurt. At that point I just started to back off. In my mind and my heart. I can only take so much stress.

That's how I feel today. Hurt. Being an Aspie doesn't give you the right to treat people like shit. Aspie aside, YOU are just a JERK; JAY CAPZELLO. I brought information on his condition to him almost 2 years ago and he hasn't done anything to address it. Of course he thinks it's everyone else, everyone else has the issue but not him.

Now I just think about the times where he got upset because I had feelings. I didn't have the chance to get those feelings out. Now I just sit here and cry because either I should have known that no matter what I did for him, it would never be viewed the same way by him. My compassion, my empathy, or my tolerance. Nor would my anger, my hurt or my sadness.

He can't take the responsibility of a relationship. He still operates as if he is 13 years old in many facets of his life. He has no idea how to handle someone who has negative feelings towards him because of things he's said and done. His joking is not appropriate at times but he doesn't see how someone else would feel, lack of empathy. He has a hard time stepping out of his shoes and into the other persons for a different view point. This is why he rarely apologizes.

In this type of relationship, one person will do all the work. I feel like I've been completely used. His anger is such a big issue. I do wonder if he can feel anything at all. He said he loved me but I don't believe he understands love, give and take, compassion, concern. It's sad to me. He didn't ask to be this way, it was just the luck of the draw. I thought it would be helping him by sharing his condition with him, however, daily life is a struggle for him. He doesn't like curve balls.

In all honesty, I do feel better that things are done between us. It's a very hard thing to be in a relationship/friendship with an Aspie. I do care about him as a person but I can't be involved with him because it is too painful for me. If he only knew how many times the things he said or did had hurt me, I think he would be shocked. I didn't bring them up most of them. I knew he wasn't in any mental shape to handle them. I'm sure that's why over time, I just let them build and build.

Right now I feel like there has been a death in my family. I'm in shock, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm tired. I feel betrayed, the trust is all gone. I feel like a big idiot. A big sucker. I fell for it hook line and sinker.

Looking back I can see the comments like, "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you." The "punishment" for asking him questions was always "not talking to you right now" or "I am hanging up" or "why are you constantly up my ass" or "I'm busy and working" or "can't you see I just woke up?" or "I didn't do anything wrong" or "you are the one with the problem" or "I wished I had never met you." These were simple questions, questions that in a relationship that were valid.

He acted like my asking him about certain parts of his life were not acceptable. Like the camping trip, how dare I ask him why I haven't heard from him in 2 days, or even asking him why he didn't call me back. Even as recent as New Years Eve, we had planned to spend the night together but our communication was crossways and he had a party to go to and I told him I felt that it was good he was making friends. I was hurt because I had planned on seeing him but at the same time, I have always said to him it was good to have friends. However, suddenly it seems, he has more friends than I've ever heard about.

I was just surprised he picked them over me and admittedly hurt considering that in December he barely spoke to me. And it also looked like his life was moving further and further away from me, so I backed off. Then I put all of my hopes on this New Years Eve get together and they shattered as well. He sensed my change of tone and all of a sudden he said he had to go, that he felt that nothing he did was ever good enough for me. We didn't talk again for 2 days.

So, back to my life.....All of these statements were usually followed by at least 24 hours of no contact on his part and in many cases 48 hours. I would sit and wait for any indication that it was ok to approach the sleeping lion. And as much as I was hurt or angry I could never express it because he had to be approached with calmness, gentleness, acceptance or else he would just retreat back in his shell. So, everytime we had a disagreement, I had to keep my true feelings hidden. And that wasn't fair to me or to him in the long run.

So, now I see that I wasn't allowed to be disappointed because he couldn't take on the responsibility of disappointing me because his emotional maturity was like a teenager. So, any disappointment or negative feeling toward him or his actions were met with a shutdown or meltdown.

And even now, after all the anger and hurt, I do care about him and try to not pick up the phone to apologize.......but the urge was too strong this time. I knew he wouldn't answer his phone and I at least had the chance to leave a message with my regret and remorse over things on my end getting so out of hand. I feel so much guilt because in reality, he has a handicap, and I feel like I've taken a 13 year old's emotions and just sent them to hell. And for that I feel bad.

At the very minimum, I wanted to say that to him. If I never hear from him again, then I at least put it out there. At the same time, I never said I was a Saint. I have emotions and feelings and while what he did wasn't right, I should have been able to control my anger more rationally. For that, I feel like a failure.

Ok, 5 months over due but IT"S OVER

2009-01-28T07:34:00.001-05:00

So much has happened in just 5 months. I've finally taken that final step with my BF, I've ended the relationship. Why? There are several reasons as you know if you've read any of my blog so far. I actually have some drafts that I haven't posted but will post now as I am in the mood to purge.

I guess yesterday was the LAST straw. I've been 'breaking' for months. With every fight and lack of closure or communication, I become jaded and have a hard time believing someone who says they care about you can turn on a dime. The only word that comes to mind right now is TOXIC, he is TOXIC for me.

Just since I posted in August there have been at least 5 instances where I should have just ended it. That's even counting December where he rarely spoke to me for more than 10 minutes at a time. However those conversations were mostly about him, his ex gf and his new girl 'friend' who works at the IRS. I had pretty much given up in December as he just didn't seem interested in what was going on in my life because he was so busy with work and his move and his new friend and his ex gf talking to him on the phone for hours.

Everything is always about him. It always has been and it always will be. There is nothing anyone, including Ghandi, could do to change his mind. His Asperger's can get really bad at times.

Yesterday he made a comment, like he usually does in a 'joking' manner but it was one of those comments that hurt me. When I told him I was hurt, he basically said it was a joke and that I needed to relax. However, his comments about other women sting at times. It makes me think he doesn't understand what to do or say in a relationship. I was pretty straightforward with him telling him I wasn't in the mood to continue to talk about it. His behavior was a little defensive but I could tell he was getting upset. So, I told him I wasn't going to talk anymore and that there was nothing left to say, then I logged out of IM.

I sat at my desk crying for the better part of an hour. I was hurt. Hurt for so many reasons. I logged back on at lunch and saw he had sent me a few offline messages. It sounded like he was trying to justify his behavior by saying it was a joke. But regardless of it being a joke, it was not called for and very disrepectful. But he said he would give me my time and not bother me.

After being upset most of the day, I composed an email to let him know where I was coming from. It wasn't bitchy, it wasn't mean, it was just me saying how I felt. I didn't call him names or have any disrespect directed at him whatsoever. This was his response.

Now I am quoting him directly,
"Whatever, I really don’t give a fuck anymore because you had to be a baby, and not talk with me on the phone, so I didn even read half this e-mail."

WTF? I'm sorry but you say something offensive, I'm hurt by that, I send an email telling you why I was hurt and this is your response? OMFG!!!

Talk with him on the phone? At NO point yesterday did he call me or ask me to call him. When he told me he would give me my time, I didn't think there was a need to call him. I wasn't ready to talk to him.

So, about 8 PM last night I called him after reading that shitty response. He didn't pick up. So, I logged on to IM, I told him I did not like his response at all. I said I called him but he didn't pick up. He said that he wasn't in the mood to talk to me and that he was busy with work and for me to leave him alone. He told me that he wasn't going to talk to me until I apologized to him! WTF????? Apologize to him? OMG!

I told him I didn't owe him any apology but if he had read my email, there was one at the bottom....you know, the one he stated he didn't read 1/2 of? So, if you are not picking up the phone and you shut me down on IM, how am I supposed to apologize? I mean, let's just use his own words....his response, you are a smart girl, figure it out. My head was spinning. Like I have said on many occassions, there is no winning with him, he is right and EVERYONE else is wrong. EVERYONE.

By now I am just furious over this asshole's behavior. He's acted like this on so many occassions. And then something clicked in me and I said FUCK YOU. Of course he starts to tell me that I'm a piece of work and to leave him alone and that I had my time, now he was taking his. Taking your time? Why? Why would you possibly need time? I did nothing to him! Of course that's not how he sees it. It never is. So, you have time to talk to your ex for hours about her problems but you can't take a few minutes out to address our issues? What is wrong with this picture?

NEWSFLASH-I tell you politely I am not going to talk to you right now and that I am hurt. You respond with your I'm sorry that you took my joke the wrong way, which is different than being sorry for your actions....and I'll leave you be, you know where to find me if you want to talk to me. So, when I decide to 'talk' to him at 4PM via email, he responds with the BABY comment. And at 8PM he is taking his time. So, this was my response to him via email at 8:30 PM.

Well guess what? Here’s how it I see it. We’re done. I’ve put up with your very strange behavior for too long. Grow the fuck up!

How dare you talk to me like that! YOUR TIME? WTF is that? Take your time, take your entire life. You never offered to talk to me on the phone today. And then to tell me that I’m a smart girl and to figure it out on how I am going to apologize to you? I can only deal with so much bullshit.

AND from PAST experiences with you, you tell me do not call cause I won’t pick up the phone…AND even better, how is this any different from you telling me YOU have to GO when we are on the phone fighting? IT’s not, except you only see what you want to see, how it effects you.

Let’s just see…..you get mad at me before I even met you because you thought I dated a black guy. YOU didn’t speak to me for 2 days. How was that fair? IT WASN’T. But I let it go because I wanted you in my life. You get your feelings hurt all of the time. You tell me that I’ve hurt your feelings so many times, then you take your time, which is typically a day or so. Then you are ready to talk to me. BUT when I do it, then it’s a complete other story. You used to call me up and then get mad at me cause you were in a bad mood. When I tried to tell you about it, you shut me down, telling me I was the one with the problem.

So, if you can’t see your part in this, then you have serious issues with communication. You haven’t really given a fuck for months, if I am being honest. I thought maybe, just maybe you were going to be mature about this since I did spend my time trying to explain but you shut it down, which is how you always act.

I’m pissed now because I’ve invested a lot of time and money into this 'relationship' and this is how you are going to treat me? NO, you’re not because I am NOT going to allow you to do this to me anymore. So, I have your taxes I will send them back to you. I have kept track of all of the money you owe me. I’ll send you a breakdown.

Since you didn’t give me the $150.00 bucks in ‘stuff’ then I would expect you to put that back my Netspend account ASAP. I’ve never been so absolutely sorry to have known you until now. I thought you were a good person but you suck at relationships.

Do not call me, IM me or email me. I am deleting you from my life.

This is just indicative of how he can be. When he's happy and no one is demanding accountability from him, he's great. However, when you start putting parameters on this or that, he freaks out. He has constantly said in every fight that it's me. I mean, how long can someone hear that before they just bail? Rarely does he apologize. Rarely! Yet he sees himself as the giver, the one who makes things right. But that's just not how it is, at least not with me.

I usually apologize first, just to get him to not be so upset with me. I would have like to have broken up in a much more civilized manner but I didn't feel like there was a choice. I've been nice, extremely nice to him, I've given him money when he needed it and not once has he paid me back. In addition to that, I did his taxes as they were all jammed up in a big mess, I've bought him a shitload of gifts since I met him, I've paid for dates, I've cooked him dinners, gave him nice backrubs, taken care of him when he's been sick, given him advice on everything, I go and pick him up when he wants to see me. Then I look to see what he's done for me. And it truly is sad because it's not very much. I haven't asked for anything from him. You would think he would have made it a point to get me a small gift or card even for Christmas but he didn't. He said that he wanted to take me to a store and let me pick something out because he didn't know what I like...now he recently said this maybe a week ago, not before Christmas like you would expect. You've been with me for 3 years and you don't know what I like? That's a problem. The problem is he doesn't have the capacity for anyone but himself.

Just as recently as last December I gave him 150.00 bucks cause he was broke. Sorry but when you make 75k a year and you are single and you have to borrow money from your gf consistently, you have issues with money. And he got a 12k bonus in December. AS of yesterday he mentioned he was broke. I was on unemployment for months after loosing my job and I have 3 kids and he borrows money from me? And I was paying for his storage unit while I was on unemployment and he rec'd a 10k bonus and didn't offer to pick up a few payments??? WTF? I did a grand total just on my CC of how much I have given him and then added it to what I had written down. It's close to 6k.

I feel like I've been this punching bag from time to time, I feel bruised and shattered inside. It's not a nice place to be. His issues I can no longer take and I don't think anyone would blame me. He refuses to believe he has Asperger's, he won't get help for his moods, his anger, etc. So, you know what? Let him find someone else who can. Someone else who can put up with all of the shit he gives out.

Just last week when I had seen him for the first time in 6 months, he told me that I had changed his life and how I was the only who helped him grow up and that he was thankful for that. Thankful? And this is how you show me you are thankful? By calling me a baby? By insinuating I am the one with an issue? By having no tolerance for me but expecting me to have tolerance when it comes to him? And on many occassions he thanks me for always being there for him. So, inside he knows that I have been a good person throughout this mess. Why he doesn't treat me better, I don't know. My guess is he feels like he's good as gold to me. Newsflash-the behavior yesterday was not good and if it were just one time, I'd be able to say, forgive and forget, however now, two years later and several of these instances behind me, moving on is best for me.

He has consistently told me that he would never turn his back on me if I needed something. Well, I needed you to step up to the plate yesterday and apologize and you didn't, which to me is just like turning your back on me.

It's Over

2008-08-04T17:37:00.001-04:00

It is over. I just can't handle the way he talks to me. I called him today to check on him and I questioned him. Why didn't he call me back last night? He got angry very quickly. He starts accusing me of bullshit. He can get so mad so quickly. He's a tyrant. I am not going to put up with him anymore. He's absusive. He yells at me on the phone and thinks he's completely in the right. He can never take a step back and say, Hey, let's fix this. He's got to show me that he's right and I'm wrong. I just think no one could have a relationship with him ever. He's too over the top. He's way to high strung. No one can ask him anything, question him on where he's been or where he's going. He considers it someone up his ass. He's a rude jerk.

Men are Decietful

2008-07-30T11:30:00.000-04:00

I truly believe that the male species is decietful. I'm not sure when they learn how to lie or why it is even necessary. However, my theory is that if men didn't lie, women wouldn't have reason to suspect they were up to no good. Whether or not they think their lies are for protection, my guess is they can't deal with 'being in trouble' so they try to hide it. Not knowing that this only increases the status of being in the dog house when the woman finds out the lie. Not to say I haven't lied during my life time. I lie all the time. About everything. Mostly to myself though. But it's interesting to catch someone lying to you. Some people are really good at it.

I know my BF has lied to me. However, he would probably say otherwise. Not telling the entire truth is also lying, deceit. I've heard him tell me about this or that and then a day later say something entirely different. I've heard him talk about movies he's gone to see with his brother, and I question whether or not it's really his brother who he is really with. I used to let it bother me but now I just don't even think about it. On the flip side, I've heard him talk about movies we had planned to see, in which he never told me he saw, then after the fact I hear about them through our conversations. I've listened to the lies about his cell phone not working, rather than just telling me he didn't pay his bill. I remember when I first went to his house, there was a book by Oscar Wilde and some Golden Girls (who watches that shit) DVDs on the TV in his bedroom. I said, "Oh, you read Oscar Wilde?" He replies, "Oh yeah." I say, "Well, you don't look like the type who would read Oscar Wilde." He says, "There are a lot of unique things about me." Yeah, I think? Like watching the Golden Girls in your bedroom? That thought just makes me laugh. I knew he had probably never heard of Oscar Wilde, let alone read any of his work. I knew it belonged to his GF.

I have to say, I'm not entirely convinced that they are broken up. I do not believe they are having sex or any other type of intimate connection. But I do think they have been in touch since they parted ways last July/August. His mom's furniture is still in her house, so....you can't just cut off contract, especially because he wants it back.

I've point blank asked him if he's talked to her or seen her and he's responded, NOPE. I'm not so sure I believe that 100%. Whether he has seen her as "friends", gone to movies, gone to dinner, caught up about old times, etc.....is yet to be disclosed. It doesn't bother me. I know they didn't have a good relationship. But I know he gets lonely, and a friend, no matter how bad a relationship might have ended, is always a welcomed sight when one is lonely. I know, I've been there. I've been lonely to the point of seeing an old BF on a chance meeting and not feeling the anger that I might have felt because he cheated, lied or broke my heart. It's like after time goes by, you forget about the pain and remember only the happy times you shared. I wonder why memory forgets the pain and replaces it with solace and comfort. I mean, there are cases in which I don't feel solace and comfort, but my guess is, that's because I didn't really feel any connection or love to that person to begin with.

Like I can still IM one of my exes who lives in Texas and we chit chat about our families and there is absolutely no attraction, no nothing. It's just like two old friends catching up. We broke up and there were hurt feelings. I left him. He wasn't ready to commit and I didn't blame him. I was ready to move forward with my life and he wasn't. After a few months without me though, he did realize he had made a mistake and asked me to marry him. As much as I had wanted that when I left, three months had gone by and I no longer felt like that. It was a sad parting. He was really upset. I was upset also but I realized that people change. They can't help that they change. Life happens and it makes us all different.

I guess I know that he is faithful, no matter who he spends his time with. This I know. He isn't the kind of person who could be involved with someone for sex without any emotional investment in that person. He's very guarded and keeps to himself and doesn't act like a typical guy. Most of the time. He's very respectful of women and especially during sex. Nothing is degrading with him. It's very gentle and loving. I really love that about him.

If I could take one piece out of his personality it would be the side that can't rationalize and implant him with reason and rationalization skills. It does cause problems for a relationship. When he's normal (ie, not stressed out about anything), he's actually a lot of fun to be around. He's funny, he's warm, he's a great conversationalist. We discuss music and movies, sometimes politics and we get into very strange deep conversations. He's really looking for someone to take care of him. It's hard to take complete care of him when he lashes out. It makes me not like the person I know he is. That very fragile, sheltered person with a very large and genuine heart. So, don't get me wrong, when he is calm, he's great to be around. The problem with this is that he's moody. You never know what mood he will be in on what day. I don't think he realizes how to take care of a partner, a GF. I don't know that he realizes all of the emotional investment you have to put into a female to make her happy. I don't rely on that from him. I am fairly strong, so I just rely on myself for that. Sometimes he can barely take care of himself, let alone another person, yet he says he wants kids. That's another post entirely.

Vacation Do's and Don'ts

2008-07-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

I sometimes sit back and wonder what is wrong with me? I really don't need a BF. I have a very full life. My BF decided to go camping with his brothers for a few days. The first night he called me and left a vm. I was at the movies and didn't pick up. The next day I woke up with a Migraine and was in no mood to work or do anything. However, I did text him and let him know how things were going on my end. I didn't hear from him for the entire day. No texts, no calls, etc. Then today he didn't text or call. So, I sent him a text that said, "Is there any reason why I haven't heard from you in two days?" Meaning, I sent him a fairly lengthy text on Friday, this one was short. My thought process was well, if he's hiking, then I don't want to have a long message in case he is in a spot where he can't take time to read a long message. So, I am trying to be nice. He returns from his trip and leaves me a hateful vm. He is obviously upset. He tells me never to text him such in such a manner ever again and that he doesn't feel like he has to check in with me. OMG. WTF? He gets like this from time to time. I used to practice law and I am a very direct person.

I think it was reasonable to expect a call or at the very minimum a text. For him to get upset and yell at me is insane. I think he is insane. He jumps to conclusions and makes determinations that are very far from reality. He used to talk about how I made him "feel" when I would ask certain questions. He said it sounded demanding. How dare anyone expect anything from him? You are in a relationship, be accountable. How is that being demanding? His reasoning is....verbatim mind you, "I'm on vacation. I shouldn't have to check in with you." I think, well, whether or not you are on vacation, you should be courteous of your partner. Of course he likes to turn it around and say, well just think if you were on vacation with your friends and I sent you a text like that? First of all, I wouldn't ignore the other person if they sent me a text or left me a message, I would respond. So, I'm not sure why he likes to turn the tables around. He was wrong to jump to conclusions. He was wrong to leave me a rude vm. He was wrong to give me an attitude about being up his ass. He has no idea that a normal girl is going to be up his ass. If I lived in the same city and he acted like this, I would no longer continue. Our relationship would have been very short to begin with. While I am on this subject let me just point out what a normal girl wouldn't put up with:

1. His messy apt. It's not even an apt, it's a garage turned into a 1 bedroom. It's no more than 500 square feet and it's a mess.

2. His selfishness. Usually guys take their GFs out for birthday, dates, special occassions. Not him, he has never taken me out for dinner. He's purchased a pizza here and there and taken me to eat at the local Boston Market but nothing really nice. He's never paid for a movie. He's always broke.

3. Gifts. Girls like to be spoiled. He's only gotten me two large items, a purse for xmas and a necklace, both very nice. However, they were late. I rec'd my xmas gift in Feb and my bday gift in June. (my bday is in april) He never sends me cards, flowers, nothing for valentine's day. He never makes me dinner or breakfast. He is just not thoughtful.

4. Vacations. He never has said, let's take a couple of days off and go out of town. Never. I'm sure he's never even thought of it. He uses his job as the excuse of why he can't plan or do anything like go out of town.

5. He sleeps with stuffed animals on his bed. He's 35, almost 36 and he has stuffed animals from probably every girl he's dated

6. Everything is always on his terms. I'll call you when I feel like talking to you, I'll see you when I want to see you. Wow, and you are single why?

7. His condition keeps him from being able to really have a meaningful relationship with someone. He doesn't see it.

8. He's very tender. For his weight, size, he acts like this fragile doe. Everything bothers him, everything annoys him, everything from humidity, to having to have sex more than once, to eating dinner.

I understand that everyone has their 'issues'....but my god. He has enough issues for 10 men.

I'm at the edge here with this person. He has no idea how to treat someone who cares about him. Even if that's what I was doing, ie, make him check in with me, I didn't deserve the reaction. However, I am a pretty direct person and he always seems defensive. It's like he reacts first, like Tarzan, me hurt, must lash out. He has no ability to reason and realize that I am not that sort of person. If it were me, I would take into account how this person acts and then make a determination on behavior. I just don't like the person he is when he acts like this. It doesn't make me want to see him or be around him. Just to even say that I think is a very selfish thing to say and to react like that only shows me he has absolutely no social skills. How dare you call me or text me or ask me questions while I am on vacation. His behavior is abusive. When he acts like that it makes me think he has something to hide.

I pointed out to him that I do not call 5 times per day, I do not text him asking him to tell me where he is on the weekends when we don't see each other. I've never been like that. So for him to think that I am so demanding makes me crazy. It makes me think that I can't ever ask him any questions or wonder something. I know he knows how strangely he acts when he gets bent out of shape. He did apologize, however, I still feel strange about our relationship.

After the last fight I was really going to give it my best shot. However, after this, I just don't think I can deal with his behavior. It's rude and self centered. It's not the way I would treat someone and I don't expect behavior like this. Who would? I got through the call. We made small talk for a few min. I wished him a good night and I hung up.

I need distance, more than the distance from Boston to NY.
I need some time off from this relationship.

Two Days Later

2008-07-17T14:30:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been two days since the big fight. Much has happened on my end, however, I am not sure of what is happening on his end. I did offer up an apology for hanging up the phone. It is an immature thing that I do. It's not because I don't want to listen to the other person. It's because that person is yelling or angry or saying mean things. I don't handle anger well. I never have. My grandmother was such a huge focal point in my life, having been raised by her. She used guilt on all sorts of topics and I always reacted the way she wanted me to. I'm so used to reacting that way, I never realized it was apparent in my relationship with my BF. I don't think he really realizes that some of the things he says use guilt as the tactic or manipulation as the tactic. Therefore he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong. So, how do you fix it? That's the question. Since I know little about his childhood, the life he had with his mom before she died, and what really goes through his head.

My grandmother was a generous person, that's where I learned it from. She was always giving money to strangers if they were down and out on their luck. I know she had be through hard times and knew what it was like to suffer. She never like to see anyone suffer. Hence the reason she adopted me. She couldn't handle me being beaten at the hands of my mom. She was a very good person and taught me many wonderful things about being a wonderful person.

It is hard for me to watch someone else that I care about have a hard time. Especially with money. I've had a good life. I've worked hard, I've had wonderful friends, I've seen amazing places, I feel very fortunate and very blessed. When I met my BF, he was moving in several different directions, none of them helpful. He was dating a girl who didn't appreciate him or really try to help him go in the right direction. At first I thought it was all her. But as with anything there are two sides to the story. Now I seem to understand why she distanced herself, maybe didn't always make herself available and criticized his behavior. Of course she had her own issues and they coupled around his and it just made a destructive relationship.

He has issues with initiating anything. He doesn't initiate sex, he leaves it to the woman. He doesn't initiate plans. He really only operates a day at a time. Therefore he can't really make plans because he doesn't see that far into the future. If it were up to him, he would stay home all the time. Life is stressful for him due to his Asperger's Syndrome. That's a challenge. He won't get on medication that might make his life less stressful. He refuses to see that he really has limitations and I know why, who wants to admit they have limits? However, if he would look at the way he does things, he would realize that it's because of his syndrome. So, even knowing this and understanding this makes the relationship between he and I stressful. Yet, he only sees how it stresses him out, not how it effects me. That's the part I wish he could change, have empathy for someone else.

He says a lot of things that sound like manipulative or controlling statements. I don't think he even realizes he is doing it. For example, he said this to me on IM.

"I was merley explaining how i felt and you didnt like that, then you hung up on me. I dont know where you come off saying that i was angry, because i wasnt, i just didnt want to talk about how you made me feel, but you wouldnt let it go.... Im just sad and dissappointed with you, on how you can be so angry at someone who your supposed to love and care for. "

But what he really means is that I wanted to talk about something and he didn't. Putting the blame back on me by saying it the way he did. He's disappointed with me. Why? Because he had expectations of me? To pay for his storage? To never expect anything from him? Even people who love and care for you get angry and frustrated. So, that means I can't ever be angry? That's the feeling I get. I get the feeling he feels like he's doing everything he can to make me happy and I'm the one with the big problem.

'i don't have enough money to eat lunch'
'so don't be upset with me if i sound cranky'
'it's just because i'm hungy'

'i'm eating reeses's pieces (his work has them in the snack bin) cause that's all i have until payday' (which could be 5 days away)

So, he says the above and knowing how I will react, knows how to phrase it so I will react. Who wants someone they care about to go hungry? Not me.

When he said that he's never asked for anything from me, well, that really pissed me off. That's how he sees it. I don't understand how he wouldn't think that would upset me. Because it's like he's saying, it's your fault for doing all of those nice things for me. I never asked you to, you did them all on your own. That hurt me, his comment. Does he even look at himself and wonder what he does for me? I'm sure just showing up on one of our weekend outings was enough in his mind, due to all of the stress it takes to drive to the ferry, park and ride it over to CT. He doesn't see why I would be upset. Even today, he doesn't understand why I would be upset and treat him this way. He doesn't see that how he is contributed to it. He has never really seen that. As I think back on many of our heated arguments, I see a pattern. He usually gets his feelings hurt about something I've said, didn't say or didn't do. I'm not a mindreader. If I act aloof he thinks I am loosing interest, if I start making plans for his time, then he views me as the aggressor. I can't win with him most of the time because he has unrealistic expectations on me.

In the past I've not given his "cool down time." I've had a hard time with it because of my own anxiety issues, it's like I have to know right then. I've tried to get better at this over the years and it is quite difficult to me. However, I've backed off from him yesterday and pretty much today. I asked him if this was 'his time' or something else? He replied that he didn't feel like he could talk to me because I hurt him. (Again, not able to empathize) And since I had my time yesterday, this was 'his time.' I didn't respond. I don't think I can anymore. The more time I have to think about things, the less I want or need to talk to him.

Blown Away

2008-07-16T06:47:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure where to start. Except to say I've been harboring resentments towards my BF for a few weeks. And sadly, I believe it is finally over. He did something in which made me look at him in a different light. I got laid off or fired from the job that brought me to Boston. I made decent money for what I was doing. However, now I am on unemployment and making a fixed amount per week. I've had some dental emergencies lately and those are expensive. I have to have a root canal and a crown on at least three teeth. In addition to having three kids to support, Life is expensive.

So, one day a few weeks ago, he called me up telling me wasn't feeling so well but that his boss had pulled him aside and told him on his last paycheck in June, he was going to receive a 10k bonus. I was honestly very happy for him. He works hard, has a hard commute and really put in a lot of extra effort on his work. I can tell you, our relationship hasn't been always financially equal. He came to me in January 07 and asked to borrow $200 dollars. I gave it to him without hesitation. From there, he steadily borrowed money from me until last Monday. Now, he makes 52k per year, plus his bonus each November. I know this because I did his taxes last year. Now, he didn't always come out and ask me for money. Many times he would say things like, " Well, I don't have any lunch today. I'm low on funds." I would offer to give him money so he could eat lunch. When his phone would be shut off, I would offer to pay for it. I ended up giving him my laptop because when his phone got shut off, he had no way to contact me. At the very least, he could IM me. When he and his ex gf broke up, she asked him to come and get his car out of her dad's storage unit. He was frantic and had no idea how to go about getting the car out, finding storage, etc. I helped him locate a tow, a storage unit and said I would help him out with the payment until he got back on his feet This payment was around $200 per month.

In addition to this, I have to go and meet him in New London, CT, get a hotel paid for by me, take us to dinner, buy everything for the evening just to see him. I used to go all the way to his house but recently I've had some health problems and I get tired really easy. He has a brand new car, same as I do, but he will not drive it up to Boston or get on the ferry with it. So, if I want to see him, it's meet in New London, come to my house (which incurs an 8 hour car ride in 24 hours) or go to his house (which is about a 10 hour commute in a 24 hour period). My point being, it can be tiring traveling. I don't understand why I have to go and get him. He's 35 years old. Surely he can drive his Altima up to my house with a map and GPS unit.

Ok, so back to why I'm upset. Since I've been on unemployment, money has been tight. I've got my own bills, I've got student loans, I've got kids to feed. With my dental issues, money has been scarce. So, after he got his bonus I waited for a few days to see if he would offer to help with the storage payment. He didn't. I finally brought it up to him. June was overdue, I couldn't afford it and now July was also due. Rather than just telling me not to worry about it, he asks me one day if I am still planning to pay for June? OMG, OMG OMG. He knows it's my last 200 until the next week. Sadly I say, YEAH. But in the process I've lost all respect for him. At the time, I think, ok at least I paid it now he's off of my back. So, after paying it he tells me about all the things he's purchased, CDs, DVDs, etc. That to me just put the knife in deeper. It's like, ok, you make 52k per year, plus bonus, then you just got a 10k bonus and you take my last $200 bucks and you are buying shit with it? It didn't leave me with a very good feeling. I was supposed to see him this weekend but yesterday we got into a fight.

He called me up. We made small talk. I was updating my ipod while we were talking. He mentions a CD and says he wants all of the songs on the album, not just a mix. I told him I only had 3-4 songs and he reponds with, "Why didn't you buy the entire fucking album?" There was something about the way he said it that really bothered me. I replied, "Because I didn't If you want it that badly, you go buy it." He shoots off, "Oh, now you think since I have a 'few bucks' I should go and spend it? I said, "Well, you want me to buy it?" "With what?" His tone changed. When he gets his feelings hurt, his voice goes up a notch. So, I say, "Hey what's wrong?" He said he was fine. I say well, you sound different to me. He then says, "I'm sorry I"m not living up to your expectations for this conversation." IE, controlling statement. As if I have an expectations for the conversation. Usually my expectation is to get through a phone call without getting into a fight. So, I have to mention that the phone call is sounding strange and headed for a fight. I'm like, "Do you want to talk to me?" "If I didn't, I wouldn't have called you," he says. Silence. Silence. Uncomfortable silence. Finally I say, "Ok, what is wrong?" He says, "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes." REALLY? What do you mean I wonder. He's like, "You just assume I have money when in reality I don't have that much." I say, "Well, you have more than me." Then he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't make that much money at his job and that I have more in savings than he does." I've been doing some under the table work for a friend. He points this out. Saying, "In November you will get a big check from him." I am floored and blown away at this point. I said, "My savings is for my kids' education, not for me to live daily on it." "I've already dipped into it at times and besides, that's not your concern." So, he proceeds to tell me that he's never asked me for anything. OMG, OMG, OMG. Are you serious? This is where it really gets heated between us. I feel there's nothing to loose as he has pissed me off beyond belief. I asked him, "Is that how you see it?" He says, "Yes." While he is correct, he's not always come out and been blunt about asking for money. He knows how I am, I'm generous and he knows how to say it in a way that will produce results. Whether that is concious or sub conscious I don't know. For him to be that adamant that he has never asked me for anything just pissed me off. I've been paying on his storage for his car since November. He says, "Well, I'm going to just sell it." REALLY? So, let me get this straight. You will keep the car if I am paying for it but you will sell it if you have to pay for it? WOW. So, the money I frantically sent you last week? Just gone? I told you last week you were going to have to make the storage payments. Why didn't you say last week that you were going to sell it? I could have had extra money. He's like, "Fine, I'll give you your $200 when I see you this weekend, are you happy now?" His tone was ugly, full of hate and spite. I said, "I don't want to see you this weekend." Then I hung up. He then tries to IM me. I wouldn't talk to him at all. He said things like, "If I don't get an apology, it's over" "You call yourself an adult but you hang up on me when you don't want to hear something you don't like" "You are a piece of work" All of this on IM. I never responded.

I'm not sure at this point I will respond. I'm upset but I'm not going to let some controlling lunatic get me involved in his own view on how things are. It's funny how he sees things. It's ok to have you GF pay for your storage? I suppose. He gets a nice bonus each November. Two years ago he bought a car. Last year he bought an HD TV. The first Xmas he didn't get me anything until Feb. I bought him a digital camera. The second Xmas he said he bought me a purse. I got it in Feb. For my birthday the first year he brought me a dozen roses. Told me he wanted to take me to NYC and go to the Empire State Building. He never did. Said he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner but he hasn't. This year he bought me a Jade pendant for my Birthday, I got it in June. My birthday is in April. For his birthday, I bought him two signed Transformers, got him a cake, took him to dinner and a movie and some other odds and ends. For Xmas I got him an HD DVD Player. I don't think relationships should always be equal, I don't think the man should have to pay always and I don't think gifts should always be equal.

However, I should get my Birthday presents on time. I should get my Xmas present in December. I should be treated to a nice dinner every now and then and a movie. I should get gifts from my BF even if they are small, "I'm thinking of you" gifts, cards, mementos. I have never judged our relationship on any of this until now. Until I think back to all the times I have been so generous with gifts and money. He says whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. He's always telling me. "Oh, I'm going to get you X." But to date, nothing has ever shown up.

What I've realized is, bottom line, he is selfish. I don't have much, more than most, not as much as some. But what I do have, I share with the people I love. When he came to visit, I had his favorite drinks, made his favorite dinner, everything with the guest in mind. When I would go to visit him, no drinks even in the fridge. I like to be a good host. I think it's good manners.

So, back to my story, he's had money. He's choosen what he spends money on, no one holds a gun to his head. He spends it on himself and only himself. He's not a generous person. I thought it was only because he didn't have the money. He's had the money, he's just chosen to spend it on beers, weed, CDs, DVDs, Video games.

New Jersey, Crazy Behavior and a Kiln

2008-06-29T19:13:00.007-04:00

I had asked my boyfriend Jay to come along with me on a day trip to New Jersey to pick up a Kiln I had won on Ebay over the weekend. I'm not so sure what to think after this trip. I'm confused.

He spent the night on Friday and we had planned to go and pick it up on Saturday. This was going to take most of a morning and afternoon. He knew this. He is not someone you can spring news on he must know up front. I've already been told (by him) how he operates. He was given at least a week's notice.

We leave the NY State Line and he starts to get nervous. He constantly asks me if I know where I am going, if I have directions and what will we do if we get lost. Since obtaining adulthood awhile ago, I had already taken these things into consideration. I had my baby girl with us so of course I had taken all precautions. Plus I travel all the time. I am not great with directions so I always prepare myself as I don't like to be lost either.

The last time we had gone out for a long trip he would get worried I was going to run out of gas. He made several comments on this and honestly it was stressful for me. How do you convince an adult male that having 1/2 tank of gas is good enough? In addition to this he is constantly giving me a hard time when I am driving. If he disagrees with something I've done, he will freak out in the car. I have never met someone so absolutely uptight. If I don't stop or go as he would, he will say something. If I pull up too close to a car in a parking lot, he will make a comment. If I turn on the AC, he will comment on that too.

So, things were fine, we were talking and he had calmed down. Until........I missed an exit. You would have thought the gates of hell had broken loose. In an effort to calm him down, I stopped at a gas station to ask directions. However, this only made him more frantic. He did not want to get out and ask for directions so I did. When I got back on the right track, he starts in again to the point where I can't drive. He is berrating me in a way that I do not condone. I stopped the car and he gets out. He says he is going to walk home. We are probably a good 3 hours from where he lives and he has no money. I've got a baby in the car and I am not going to chase after him. What do you do in a situation like that?

My first instinct was, fine, crazy nut, walk back home, see if I care. But the more empathetic side to me got out of the car and asked him to sit on this rock and cool down. He did. I watched him in the side door mirror. He was gesturing to himself, talking to himself, rocking back and forth, seriously acting like a crazy person. I was afraid. He disturbed me, he acted as if he were crazy.

A woman in a truck stopped and asked him if he was ok, sick or something or needing help. Soon after he got back into the car and told me that he was sorry and that he doesn't like to get lost because when he was younger he ran out of gas with no money and it upsetted him. HUH? You just said you were going to get back home on your own and already knowing he had no money, how was that going to happen? That made no sense as did his other behavior.

He then asked me if I thought the lady in the truck was flirting with him. WHAT? How could someone not understand that she was only stopping to ask to see if we needed help. How could he think she was flirting? What actually goes through his head? None of this makes sense to me.

Once we picked up my kiln and got back on the road, he seemed to calm down. However, upon getting on the LIE (Long Island Expressway) he started to become angry again, nervous, needing to go to the bathroom. He would not talk to me as he was so distraught he could not relax. I've never seen anyone act like this. Was he agoraphobic? Hardly, he's out and about all the time. Ok, not true, I've seen one other person act like this.

We got back to my house, he unloaded the kiln into the basement and then he left. It was the most stressful time I've had in a very long time and one I do not wish to repeat, ever. He acts so strangely a lot of the time. If you don't jump up and down enough when you see him he thinks you are not excited to be with him. If you do pull off all of the stops, he says that I don't have to go to so much trouble. I am not happy when he is late to see me. He is constantly telling me how ON TIME he is but not with me. He is full of excuses. So, after telling him to be on time and then him not be on time, I'm not always enthusiastic to see him. I'm not sure why he does not understand this.

When he comes over to my house on the weekends, he only likes to do certain things. He likes to watch his UFC fights or watch music videos that HE suggests. It seems that everything is about him. If I suggest something he will sit through it and then immediately change it to something he wants to see. Even in some of the tiffs we've had he somehow turns it all back to him. It's very frustrating. I see him once or twice per week and I think that's probably too much. I'm just not sure I want to have a relationship that is so odd and filled with these angry outbursts and moments of crazy behavior. I feel like he is a child incapable of having an adult relationship.

He apologized and he did seem back to "normal" once the kiln was safely in the basement. He was supposed to stay longer but he said he wasn't feeling well and would prefer to go home and lay down. Honestly, that was fine with me. I didn't really want to be around him anyway. When he acts as if he has an ulcer or stomach pains constantly, I feel like his nurse. He's constantly asking me to check his temperature. Is he just a hypochondriac? I've never seen a grown man have so man ailments who wasn't assigned to 24 hour care. He should just check himself into a retirement home. At least there, they will take your temperature whenever you want and you don't even have to get out of bed on most days. He acts like he's 80 at times. He moves very slow. He does everything slow. I can see there will be no spontaneity. Even after sex he complained how his legs would hurt and how he couldn't walk. WTF? You are a young man in the prime of your life. How can sex be that debilitating?

I am here to take a break from my life. I'm here to figure out what I want to do. I don't need to get sucked into something that will only leave me exhausted. I am here to breath and re-engergize. Not be someone's nurse or mother.

Sometimes I think, can Jay really be this handicapped? Can he really be this helpless? One look at his apartment and you could probably tell the answer to that. Is he lazy? It think the answer to that is yes. He's just so helpless. Like a child or a puppy. I almost feel responsible for him.

Jason Capozello's Angry Side

2008-06-16T19:42:00.002-04:00

Today I was working and my boyfriend Jay called me up. We had the normal amount of time to talk about things but I happen to live in a noisy part of town where the train frequently goes by during the day. I work from home. We were discussing seeing each other this weekend. He really likes to come to my place in Boston as he feels like he can get away.

The only problem with this is I go and pick him up and then drive him back. He doesn't like the idea of getting his car on the Ferry and then driving up, nor does he like the idea of driving all the way. So, to remedy this, I usually meet him 1/2 way and we get a motel room and we hang out. I've had some health issues lately that make me more tired than I should be at my age and I've told him about this on several occassions.

However, he had it in his mind that he would come up this weekend. I asked him about staying more than just one day and he said he wasn't sure if he could. He said he had things to do, cleaning his apartment, cleaning his car, etc. Now, keep this in mind, I am his GF and I only see him maybe once per month. So, I am thinking, you are on vacation all week and you can't devote more than one day at my house?

I didn't say anything because not knowing how he would take it, it might start a fight. It just makes the trip easier for me to digest if I can break it up over two days. So, I felt sad because he never seems to have much time for me. He works in NYC and in the two years I have known him, he's never said, "Hey, let's take some time off just you and I and go do something fun." Our relationship has only been a day here, a day there, etc.

When I moved to Boston, we said we would try to keep it together, but now I wonder. I really thought he would take into consideration my drive and say, "Yeah, let me stay the extra day." Now, there is something I haven't said. He has Asperger's Syndrome. It's a form of autism and he doesn't see how his condition really limits him from life. He may be nervous about being out of his environment for more than 24 hours. Even when I lived close, I only saw him once, maybe twice (rarely) per week.

So, back to our conversation. We had a bad connection and I asked him to repeat himself. I asked him to repeat himself a few times. I honestly couldn't hear him. Rather than saying, "Hey, let's talk when you have a better connection." He starts yelling at me with such verocity, I started to cry. It really came from nowhere. So, in addition to being hurt from the weekend talk, now I was hurt by his tone. He says he doesn't like to repeat himself and that it makes him very upset. Rather than looking inward to himself to correct the behavior, he looks to me to move to a different part of the room (for better reception) or for me to tell him that we should talk later. So, I told him I didn't like him yelling at me, he said a few things and I just said goodbye and hung up.

About 5 minutes he called back with his "I'm sorry." I didn't feel like he was really sorry. I was still crying when he called back and I needed time for the hurt to pass. While I know he doesn't like to repeat himself, and due to his Syndrome, he doesn't (or can't) take a step back to realize how the other person would feel. It's like he has no ability to relate to anyone. He can't empathize.

Just like he can't make a decision on what we were going to do this weekend. He now has to contemplate and think what he wants to do. So, knowing this, I tell him it's no big deal if we see each other, meaning, no pressure, just let me know. Rather than saying, "I demand you see me, and tell me right now what we are doing." I just left it as no big deal. So he takes that and acts like I don't want to see him. I tell you, I can't win with him. If I try to be nice, he takes it as me not caring. If I start demanding, he doesn't like that either. Many times he confuses me and it leaves me sad and distant. I wish he would get help and medication for this disorder. But of course, he sees no issue with these things. I'm sure if you asked him, he would say, "It's her."

Just the other day he got really upset with me because of my tone. I quickly apologized. In fact, I apologized profusely. He didn't want to talk to me. So, when he called me up this afternoon the second time, I told him I can't just not be upset. Just like he. He needed his cool down time. Of course, that's not how he thinks of it. He has a huge sense of entitlement.

He lacks empathy. I wonder about his previous relationships and how he communicated with them and vice versa. I know he didn't see much of his last GF. But since they were together for 5 years, he was comfortable in that relationship. Even though from what I gather, it wasn't that great of a relationship. He said they never had sex and they had grown to be friends. He said he did not love her anymore but that she was a good person. Which confuses me because if you have a GF who is a nice person why wouldn't you discuss the lack of sex with them?

Anyway, I decided to post this blog for me. So, that I can write my feelings. Know that I am not going crazy. It helps me to write how I feel. I just needed a place where I can write and not feel judged. I need a safe place. My feelings are all over the place. I am not sure what to feel. I love this person but the more I know, I get the feeling it will always be this way. I'm not sure if I can handle it. He's very nice and sweet but when he is cross, he is full of anger and rage. I don't like that person. Rather than taking a step back and saying, "Hey, this is my GF, I love her. She didn't hear me but because I love her so much, I don't mind repeating myself." Is this too much to ask?