Is the one you love a Psychopath?

Another Great Huffington Post Article on Psychopaths! This one is written by Kari Blakely. This one is on the money. #4 and #6 really hit home for me. The psychopath I dealt with would constantly say, "you know if they ever got me in a mental hospital, they would lock me up" and then I found out one of his user names was 'cukoo' (ie, crazy) which just gave me chills. I can't tell you how many illnesses he had from time to time and it reminds me of Ted Bundy. I love hearing your comments, so feel free to write one. I hope this article helps you, it is well done. I also love her advice for dealing with an ex who might be a Psychopath, minimum contact to deal with the needs of the children is the best avenue. Stay safe everyone!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/07/dating-a-psychopath_n_4378946.html

Written by Kiri Blakeley on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir .

Are you in a relationship with a psychopath? You might think that's something you'd know right away by the red tint of evil in the person's eyes, the swastika tat on the forehead, or the insistence on discussing serial killers over dinner. But nope! Psychopaths can be extremely charming and come across like Prince Charming at first. So unless you know the signs, you'd probably get sucked into the life of a psychopath and not know who he or she really was until you are completely sucker punched. Here are 10 signs you should look out for to quickly identify a psychopath.

1. Flattery like you've never heard before. Psychopaths move extremely quickly. On the first date, he'll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and uproariously witty. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have. If you think you're fat, he will tell you how much he loves your body. If you think you're shy, he will laugh at every lame attempt at a joke and tell you you should have been a comedian. This is called "love bombing." It's the idealization phase he gets you hooked on, and it's the phase you will spend the next however-many months or years trying to get back once he abruptly shuts it off.

2. He is just like you. Psychopaths will try to convince you that you are soul mates, just alike. He loves all the things you love and you have all of the same interests. If you had a tough childhood, he will say something like, "We both had it rough. That's why we understand each other." If there's an obscure book you love, he will make sure he loves it too. What he's doing is called "mirroring." He has no real identity, so he sucks yours up and mirrors it back to you.

3. Pity plays. Pay careful attention to what a psychopath says on the first few dates about his exes and other people in his life. Is his ex girlfriend crazy and stalking him? Did another girlfriend rob him blind? Is his mother controlling and horrible? Does he seem like he's had a tough time with people, who always use and abandon him? Whatever he says about the other people in his life is pretty much exactly what he'll be saying about you at some point, so listen carefully.

4. Illnesses and injuries. Psychopaths absolutely love pity, so pay attention to how many illnesses and injuries he's had. Did he miraculously beat cancer but it could come back at any minute? Does he break his foot on your second date and has to cancel? (But strangely is okay for the third date?) Did he lose his first wife in a car accident that left him with brain trauma (yet he talks fine and seems fine)? Try to check out his stories -- call hospitals if you need to -- but don't be surprised if he has an excuse for why you can't find any record of any of his traumas.

5. Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath often say it's the best thing they've ever experienced. A psychopath goes out of his way to please you. It's just another way of getting you hooked. Once he has you hooked, you'll find yourself begging for sex because he suddenly won't want it anymore.

6. Cracks in the mask. A psychopath will sometimes blurt out something odd about himself, apropos of nothing. Like you might be cooking dinner and suddenly he blurts, "I'm crazy you know." Or "I'm cheating on you." He will then either deny he said it or play it off as a joke. A form of keeping you off balance -- but also possibly an unconscious slip of the mask of his persona.

7. Silent treatment. Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet. In reality, he is off sizing up his next target somewhere.

8. Triangulation. Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In the psychopaths mind, everyone else wants him, so you better be on your best behavior, or he will move on to one of his adoring fans.

9. Discard. The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After he sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, he will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless to him. He will usually move on to another target at this point.

10. "Hoovering." Although a psychopath will discard you, he doesn't quite want you moving on either. If he senses you are done with him, he will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. He will try to "Hoover" (named after the vacuum cleaning company) you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on his absolute best behavior. It's all an act so he can get you back into the fold.

The only way to get rid of a psychopath is to completely go no contact. It's the only thing that doesn't fuel his games and ego. He will make that difficult for you -- some psychopaths will stalk you, most will Hoover. But to engage him in any way, even just to tell him off, only leaves you open to more mind games, which he will win, because he has no feelings. (Those who have children with psychopaths must develop low contact, and keep in touch only as much as absolutely needed as regards the children.)

Of course, nobody is perfect, and some people are just immature and go through periods of giving the silent treatment, or "devaluing" you with critical comments. Other people may triangulate to create jealousy because they're insecure or bored or don't even quite realize they're doing it. There are also plenty of garden-variety jerks out there who will engage in a lot of "psychopathic" behavior without being clinical psychopaths. But if your lover engages in much or all of this behavior, then he or she is likely psychopathic, and you should run for the hills!

Have you ever been with a psychopath?

The Evil that Narcissists Do

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-weiner/6-ways-to-recognize-and-s_b_2754804.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce


I was reading the above article at the Huffington Post (Divorce section) by Sandy Weiner and I thought the author broke this down in digestible pieces. Ladies and Gentlemen, her points are clear and true. If you are in a relationship marked by these attributes, run. Being selfish and immature is one thing, being a narcissist is something completely different. While there is discussions in the Psychiatric community on whether Narcissists are also Sociopaths/Psychopaths, their symptoms being very similar. So, let's address these 6 points she makes.

1. Narcissists are defensive. Think about this. Defense is a natural response to thwart off an attack right? So the more 'defensive' a person is the more shallow, hollow they are. Narcissists wear a mask that seemingly says they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. They tell you that but mostly they tell themselves. If your partner has to remind you how great they are, needing adulation or adoration, chances are they need to feel like they are those things. Picture a small child curled up in a corner afraid of everything. More times than not, a narcissist flashes a confident smile but they are really just the child curled up in a corner. If you approached the child in the corner you might think he/she would trust you or shy away from you but they only see another person coming to attack them. If they become defensive, they can thwart the attack by lashing out. It's always all about them. If you bring up a problem you've discovered with your partner and they immediately become defensive you have to ask yourself why. If they do not apologize or listen to your side, they are probably not that concerned with how you feel. They feel pretty bad all of the time because they are so empty, so it doesn't really matter to them if you feel like that every now and then.

2. The crisis. Whatever is going on in your life is not important to them. You care about your partner and you expect the same treatment from them. If you are in a mutually giving relationship this is natural. If you want to have a 'serious' talk with your partner and they bolt, they can't handle the emotions you are throwing at them. To them it is like nails on a chalkboard. They have to run. Why are they like this? More than likely because one of their parents acted like that during a fight or emotionally charged talk. Parents inadvertently teach their children how to handle situations by their own reactions. A narcissist can only keep the act up long enough to get to what they want. They have no idea how to handle your emotions because they don't have any.

3. The rages. They have paper thin skin. The author mentions a key element of all healthy relationships and that is that we should feel safe when bringing an issue to light. IF you are often on the receiving end of behavior that goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat you are in a relationship that cannot stand criticism without a knock down drag out fight. It could be the smallest of criticism that sets them off. If you are feeling rages (and you all know what I mean when I say rages) directed at you when you bring up a point of question or the other party feeling inadequate, you need to run as fast as you can from the other person. IT will not get better, it will get worse and you will be the punching bag for these rages.

4. Crazy making. Does your partner make you constantly crazy by sending you mixed signals? Why do they do this? Number one, to keep you unstable and make you feel unstable. Why would someone who says they love you want to do this? Because it gives them control and power and when you are constantly second guessing yourself, you can't very well criticize them or point things out to them. Special Occasions, good topic. Let's say it's your birthday. A few weeks ago, they were planning this day to be the most perfect for you. You are enamored with how much care they show to you. However, on your birthday, they arrive late, don't have a present and are loaded with excuses and if you sound a tiny bit upset over it, they will twist and turn until it is your own fault your birthday is a mess. They might come back to you and promise to make it up to you but that never happens right? It all gets pushed to the back burner in light of their own needs.

5. Exclusivity. Narcissists need so much adoration and adulation that getting it from one source is hardly enough. It's like blowing up a balloon. The narcissist starts every day as an UN-blown balloon. It is your job to blow it up and make sure it can stay afloat. The only problem is they need an entire freakin' bouquet. Do you see how exhausting it is to blow up one balloon every day? When it comes to complimenting you or listening to you, they won't deliver it with equal thought. Can you see how exhausting it is to just keep them inflated? They will want you to be exclusive though, giving you the pouty face when you start hinting around at the possibility of dating or going out with someone that isn't them.

6. Actions won't match words. This is a telling sign for any relationship. When you realize that the actions do not match the words you are probably in too deep with this person. You're probably in it exclusively and have spent so much time with them that you feel like you have to stay. My best advice to anyone in a relationship regardless of narcissism is if the actions do not match the words, run. Your inner sense knows. Deep down you know you won't ever change them. Run.

Again, check out the main article @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandy-weiner/6-ways-to-recognize-and-s_b_2754804.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

From How to Spot Psychopaths: Speech Patterns Give Them Away

This is an interesting article from Live Science.
http://www.livescience.com/16585-psychopaths-speech-language.html

If we all took a moment to really understand the people around us we would see some very unique and scary things about human nature. While there are only a percentage of people who are truly psychopathic, it is common to run across narcissists, manipulators and liars. The signs are always there and we are either too busy or too afraid to listen to our gut instincts.

I welcome your comments. I read all of them and publish the ones compliment the topic at hand. Some of you just left relationships and are still in shock while others have escaped and able to look back without fear. For all of you, I am 4 years away from my experience and I am here to say, I am a different person. I do things on my terms. I've run into people who have tried to latch on and if their demands keep me from doing what I want to do, then it goes no further. Period. I am educating myself daily and I read a lot of articles on Psychopathy. It does get better. There is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Will you trust again or should you put your trust in someone again? No. To put trust in other people is wrong. It will only lead to disappointment. But if you put trust in yourself and set your boundaries and only do what YOU want, then you won't find yourself again at the mercy of a psychopathic personality or other emotional vampire.

You have to trust your gut and listen to your instincts. That means you have to get your self esteem healthy, your body healthy, your mind healthy and your spiritual self healthy. When you are in control of what YOU think, what YOU eat, how YOU feel and what YOU believe in, then YOU can't get caught up in someone else's drama or rescue a complete stranger from themselves. You do not need a charity case in order have a purpose in this life. Be strong and you will get there too! Love getting your comments, please keep them coming!

Lucky

Who the BLEEP did I marry?

I find shows like this interesting to watch. Most recently I saw the wife of the Green River Killer who was accused of killing over 40 women over a 20 year span and during the time they were married. From all accounts he was the nicest guy, the perfect husband, the best thing that had ever happened to Judith.

How can someone have a completely separate identity and the person living with them see them as one thing when others see them as another? Because the mask he wore was on so tight. He grew up with a domineering mother who made fun of his bed wetting in front of his family. Embarrassed and belittled by his mother, the one person who is supposed to love unconditionally, made him feel un-loved and un-attached.

It has been reported that he started showing signs of being a bit off during High School. He had scored low on an intelligence test, stabbed a classmate just to see what it would be like to kill someone and faded to the back of the class when it came to women.

Gary Ridgway had been married twice before he found Judith. Those wives have reported being choked by him, which was the primary way he killed his victims. However, he never laid a hand on Judith. Never rose his voice or gave her any concern to think he was something different than what she thought. Judith is a mild mannered soft spoken woman. She fell in love with her Prince Charming and was living the dream life with her dream prince.

I think in Judith he found someone who nurtured him, who wasn't loud or aggressive or challenging. She believed what he told her. She had little reason to be concerned that he was anything but perfect. She provided the motherly unconditional love he had been robbed of. Did he love her? He continued to write her while in prison confiding in her some of his secrets always professing his deep love for her.

In the short interview they played on TV, he stated that he would get angry if the prostitutes wanted to hurry up or rolled their eyes, anything that showed a disrespect toward him. He wanted to be in control. He said he would act like this caring guy even though he didn't care in the least about their hard luck stories. He said he would make them feel comfortable and talk to them making them think he was such a 'Nice Guy' but as they were talking he was only thinking about how to get them into his truck and kill them.

Once he had control killing was easy. If some of the murder victims were aggressive, he became more aggressive. He had to be in control of the situation. He controlled his marriage by portraying himself as the person Judith believed he was. His self image was produced by her and because she did not confront him he allowed her to continue her fairytale. It must have felt good to him, having all of that unconditional love. While he was with her, he didn't feel like a murderer, he didn't feel shamed or humiliated, he felt at ease with himself. But the other side to Gary Ridgway, the side that was filled with anger, resentment, hate, embarrassment, bubbled to the surface. It had to.

He probably liked the attention of a prostitute but despising them at the same time for their profession. He had an idea of what a woman was supposed to be. Quiet, nurturing, non confrontational. But he never felt like he deserved a woman like that, like Judith.

Did he love Judith? No. Gary Ridgway is a psychopath. But the feeling he had when he was with Judith made a comfortable spot that he craved. The feeling was so strong he could control his rage around her. She once found condoms in the barn and assumed he was having sex with other women. She was so upset and rather than confront him, she got out her ax and chopped them all up, crying hysterically while she did so. She did not want to confront him because confronting him took a piece of her fairytale away. She could handle it herself because after all, he was a good husband, a good provider and she justified it all in her mind. Her need for the happy ending was just as powerful as his need for a maternal figure.

Judith said "I love the man I knew," she said, "and I hate the man that took him away." (Taken from the news story link above) It's as if she is talking about a 'death' of the first man. When they portray themselves as something they are not, it is natural to grieve for them, miss them, long for them. It is a very difficult thing to process. You want answers but they often won't give them up. If you get answers often times they don't make sense or they are more lies trying to keep you sucked in. As women we want to know why things went wrong, we take responsibility where we shouldn't and forgive too easily to keep the feelings we want, ie, love, companionship, security...and we believe it when they blame their shortcomings on us.

From Judith's perspective she knew one man and didn't know the man who could sleep next to her and then go kill an innocent girl, come home and eat dinner as if nothing monumental had happened that day. It really is a mind fuck when you think about it.

This is just such a sad story of a woman who wanted love and wound up with confusion-why would he do this? , questions-is he a monster? or a loving husband?, guilt-why didn't I see this?, depression-thinking I could never trust another man again.

Judith, like so many victims of Sociopaths/Psychopaths, are left the task of picking up the pieces of the life they knew and the one they face alone. Alone because for much time after, they will not be letting a man into their life. Gary had once said that killing for him was his career. We can only speculate to the deep mean those words hold.

Does this sound like a familiar story, perhaps minus the killings? The patterns are the same. The outcomes are different. When someone is murdered it leaves an erie, ominous fear behind for those who knew the killer. When you go back and analyze the details you realize you were alone with this person, maybe left your kids with this person? Closed your eyes and fell asleep next to this person, left yourself at a very vulnerable spot with this person. All the while, could they have had murderous thoughts about you too?

The victims have to make sense of a puzzle that has several missing pieces. The minute Judith Mawson decided to STOP writing to Gary after he was convicted was the day she became strong enough to walk away completely.

I hope this article helps you understand the psychology and mind inside a psychopathic personality. They only do things to keep their feelings alive in themselves. The urge to keep those feelings alive (control, power, anger, resentment, hate, self-loathing, fear, abandonment and on and on...) proves to be a destructive one to the people who cross their paths. And you never know when you are sitting next to one on a subway, working with one, or meeting them on an online dating site.

You have to look inside yourself and figure out what type of person you are to determine what type of person you need. This requires some thought provoking questions, maybe some you don't want to address. The more you know about your own self, the less you will fall victim to a predator. I thought I knew myself pretty well but come to find out, I didn't. I have learned to realize my vulnerabilities, my flaws, assessed my child hood, my behaviors around men and why I gravitate to a particular type of man who preys upon the negative emotion I carried around in my self.

I don't feel sorry for men who don't get enough attention from their wives/girlfriends, or those who can't budget their financial life, or who need daily instructions just to function, or get pulled away from doing something important to listen to something unimportant, or be the one to pick them up when the outside world is being mean to them. A real man can function in the world, balance a checkbook and accept responsibility for their actions. Real men don't need to be rescued and real woman don't either.

My life is filled with more friends, more time to myself, a better relationship, a rewarding work life and activities that I would have never had time for in my old life.

I welcome all comments. I love hearing from the readers of my blog. Be Safe!

Mel Gibson and his rants...and blame...

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about Mel Gibson's rants against former girlfriend and mother of his child. I'm sure that most of you who have actually listened to the tapes felt deja vu all over again. If you haven't heard the tapes, you can find them at Radaronline.com

I'm not sure if Mel is a psychopath but he obviously has issues. Big ones. He's very easily angered for one. When I heard him say, "I own you" I had flashbacks. When he said,"I'm going to give you one more chance" I thought this is all so familiar. When he said, "You are nothing. You have no soul" perhaps he is reflecting on himself.

You are a C#$@, Whore, Bitch, etc he tells her endlessly. He elevates himself and lowers her to 'unworthy' status. This is no news, to those who have lived with a narcissist, alcoholic, abuser, we know all too well how familiar these words are.

When she retorts that she is a 'marionette' and has to 'walk on eggshells', well, we know what this means too. He made death threats to her, threatened to burn the house down, punched her in the face, gave her a concussion....how long before he snaps and does something worse? When she says she will call the police, he acts like most do, he tells her she is weak and he is strong and that he handles his own affairs. He admitted that she didn't have any friends, I'm sure by his design.

The media has crucified her too. Calling her a gold digger. Saying she had no right to have tapes like that without his knowledge. I disagree. I say she had every right. The legal system says that when you go to fight for custody you must have proof that you were battered, beaten or threatened. Most women do not call the police and file the report. If her medical records show what she alleges great but the tapes (to me) are icing on the cake. Again I love how the media make it the woman's fault and that he was just 'reacting' to her. She's a gold digger, it's her fault she got a concussion, and her teeth knocked out. She's the one pushing 'his' buttons. Blah blah blah blah blah.

His problems didn't start though with Oksana. He's had his tirades before. He's gone off on other non-white races. He views women as objects and that is evident when he says, "You should smile and blow me" "I deserve it".... or when he called a female office 'sugar tits' after she pulled him over. I can think of several things he deserves and a BJ isn't one of them. He's admitted he was Bi-Polar and an alcoholic. Bi-Polar behavior is certainly off the charts depending on how bad the disorder is and how often it is cycling. Bi-Polars need medication to help them stabilize their emotions. He's clearly in denial about having a mental disorder, needing therapy or medication. At this point, he should stop calling her but it will be his need to feel control that will keep these rants going.

For those people who have defended him in the past it is time to see who he really is. The religious conservatives. The pundits who have taken his side when it was clear he had disturbed thoughts. When people talk about killing other people in anger it needs to be taken seriously. Jay would always say similar things about African Americans and Jewish people in his rants. Look at Jesse James. Posing in pictures clearly denoting a 'Hitler' influence. Somehow this type of person thinks they are above the other races. That the other races are impure and 'deserve' to be treated as such. People who have 'race' issues usually have other issues. Anger, deep seeded anger and an inability to reason.

Of course people from all over and commenting on whether or not they will continue to see his movies. People are debating if she has set him up. People are saying men need to assert themselves and let the women know where they stand in a relationship. Incredible I know. The bigger picture is scary and a reflection of our society as a whole. People want to find excuses for the behavior and not really look at the real epidemic. They want to blame the victim and say she probably deserved it because she was out for his money. I'm sure people said the same thing about Nicole Brown Simpson.

If Mel is the victim of a gold digger, why didn’t he call it quits? In the second tape he tells he will give her one more chance. He tells her what a “blankety blank blank” she is and how she has destroyed him but HE will give her another chance. He admitted to hitting her and has not once apologized. IF he is the victim then why didn’t he just refuse to talk to her again, get his attorney and then support his child. End of story. He didn’t need to call her up and demand that she stop using the nanny, a lawyer could have done that. Does he not have any self control? Why didn’t he simply walk away?

It is quite clear that he needs to have control and exert his control via threats and physical harm. To me, that’s not a man, that’s a coward. The debate over what he has done is not about his ability as an actor or any talent he may possess as a director. This is how he treats his peers, this is what he thinks of his co workers. This is how he acts when he’s not acting. If I were Whoopi Goldberg, I’d be offended by his comments. If I were a female actress, I wouldn’t want to do a scene with him ever. If I were a Jewish movie producer, I wouldn’t finance another picture for him. This is how he acts when he thinks no one is listening.

Mel Gibson, OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen all have the same issue. They feel entitled to lie, abuse, berate, strike, verbally abuse, cheat (Tiger Woods and Jesse James) on their wives and girlfriends. How many more men fit this mold. Too many. Abuse is never OK. Ever.

Personally I hope Mel goes to jail for hitting her. Charlie Sheen got off easy. OJ got off too easy. Too many get off easy. Where is the justice? There is a place that men go who cannot control their emotions, prison.

To me, hearing these tapes, while difficult only shows me that there are men out there that act like rageful, vindictive, threatening ogres in private but in person they are the nicest people you'd ever meet. I guess in a way it's proof for all of the victims of rage that this is how it sounds, how it feels and how the backlash exists against the victims. Just having some proof makes me feel validated in a world where the victim too often gets the blame. And yes, there is a little smile on my face as I write this post. Just a tiny one, for all of the victims.

Getting lumped in with all the 'bad guys' 'jerk's' etc...

I get a lot of comments from men who think that sites like this are only for those women who were in a 'bad' relationship. This is beyond 'bad' for the record. This is beyond a few white lies and forgiveness. This is like emotional rape.

Understand there are several factors that go into determining whether or not someone is a sociopath or psychopath. Hollywood has thrown those words around to mean a serial killer. Society uses those words to describe someone who is crazy, mentally unstable or just plain weird. That's not what this site is. This site is dedicated to true psychopaths/sociopaths.

There is a difference between a bad relationship. A bad relationship can come from people who just don't mesh together once they really get to know each other. If one of them is co-dependent then it's harder to let go. If there are other mental illnesses in play, it may be even harder to break the push and pull that couples find themselves in when trying to leave a relationship. We all get comfortable, we second guess ourselves. We get jealous if we think the other person likes someone or pays more attention to other people. The differences are that when you feel unhappy about something in your relationship and you bring it to the attention of the other person they have a chance to either see where you are coming from or disagree. If they can 'empathize' with your position and let you know that it is not what they meant then things can be mended and life can go on. If they can't agree and think the entire problem is you then you may have a real problem. If they start berrating you, yelling at you, making you feel bad for having these feelings then it's time to move along because you will not get very far with this type of person.

People fight. Trust is broken. Sane people either make up or they break up with no issues other than the relationship didn't work out. Sure you may call each other jerks but when the emotions are in check you will be able to categorize the issues that were truly your fault and his. You will be able to place blame and accept responsibility for where you messed up or for where he messed up. The end of relationships with psychopaths are different. They will continue to find reasons to contact you. They will make it sound like they are even 'concerned' about you. They do this to get you to let your guard down. Once the guard is down, they will be back to their old tricks. It's a guarantee.

When you are with a psychopath you will continually be in a state of chaos, fighting, wondering if you can trust him when he's not with you. If you are a mentally stable person you will recognize the patterns well. If you are not mentally stable due to how the psychopath treats you or due to your own mental illness then you will need to have an unbiased third party to help you sort things out. A therapist or friend that you can count on is a good start. I promise, he will confuse the hell out of you and you won't know if he's a good person or a bad one. One minute he will be waiting on you hand and foot. The next he will be ranting and blaming you for his bad day.

When other people hear about these relationships they don't understand why someone wouldn't just leave. The emotional entanglement is so strong. The attraction to these types of people is too great. There is a key factor in people who allow psychopaths to control their lives. And it's not because they are not smart. Many smart women find themselves in the middle of relationships that are toxic but they know they can't leave. They lack the emotional strength it takes to actually leave. The psychopath will be baiting them and looking for ways to keep debilitating you. Things will seem normal for awhile. Then he will destabilize you. You will feel guilt or that you have to 'prove' to him you are worthy of him. You spend so much time trying to prove you are worthy that you become emotionally drained. This is why it's so much easier to just live with an abuser. They wear you down so much that you can't find the strength to leave them. They alienate you from your friends and family so that you don't have a support system or a place to go for protection. He will try all kinds of tricks. He will make you feel like he's so good to you or that no one will want you because you may be overweight, he will use whatever negative thing you think about yourself to crucify you with later. And the abusee will fall for it and stay. They will stop talking to their friends and family because after awhile someone will point out the obvious, 'why don't you just leave?' Scary thought. So if you end up NOT doing anything about the relationship eventually they will turn a deaf ear. Why should they care when you won't even help yourself? Pretty soon you will have cocooned yourself into a nice little ball where you are miserable with no relief in sight. You will wake up 8 years later and wonder how you got there.

So there is a big difference between a boyfriend who is a jerk and one who is a psychopath. Having a bad relationship and being a victim or someone's manipulation are two very different things. So, for all of the guys (or girls) out there who say this is just another bad relationship gone wrong, just another guy who didn't want you...I'm here to say differently. Read the entire blog, not just one entry before you decide.

Con Men, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Liars, Cheats.....can you trust anyone?

What do we call these people? What do other people call these people? What do they call themselves?

There seems to be some confusion about is this guy a psychopath? sociopath? liar? cheater? con man? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you've ever been on the receiving end of one of these people, you are sure to lose.

A lot of people think that a con man is just a happy go lucky, live by the seat of your pants kinda person who may con you out of your money, your possessions, etc. You've been conned, duped, tricked and while you are still alive and breathing, no great harm has come to you. Right? Wrong.

A Con-Man is described as a Confident Man, using a trick to deceive. The movies have portrayed this character from a fun loving guy down on his luck just trying to score a buck to a villian who is out for much more. It's like a con is just trying to make an honest dollar and we should cut him/her some slack cause they are just trying to get back on their feet, play robin hood or provide for their family.

I love this: MOST people when they hear my story will say, "OH, you are a scorned woman, bitter, out for revenge, you were conned, duped, move on with your life." Even some of my best friends glossed over my feelings, saying "good riddance, you're strong you will bounce back," and the famous, "don't waste too much time thinking about him and all that has happened." As if one could just say, "Yes, you are right, how silly of me, two days of grieving and I should be back to my old self."

Trust is a funny thing. Trust perpetuates how we move along in life. Trust allows us to wake up, get in our car/taxi/subway and be assured we will not be in an accident. We do this routine so routinely the 'trust' part of our thinking is just there. We just know nothing will happen. (Unless you have OCD-which is another post entirely). But then something happens, car bombs, drive by shootings, plane crashes, 9-11, train derailments. Depending how close we are to these tragedies will actually decide how safe we feel. Feeling safe is a form of trust.

Forming a trust bond with a human is a basic human need. In order to perpetuate relationships, we have to trust the other person with our most valued asset, our hearts. When you delve into the trust of another person your confidence shows. Some people have to trust before they can love. So, what is trust? When someone knows something about you that would be embarrassing to you if the general public knew, it's trust. Or is it? You tell all of your secrets to someone, fears, hopes and dreams. Is it trust just to tell another person? Or does trust form from being in a vulnerable situation and the person who has the info on you does nothing with it. I'll give you an example. I've often told secrets to people I've trusted, negative things about myself or my perceived self. These have included hopes and dreams for my future. Let's say me and my boyfriend are play arguing about subject X and he jokes about something that I've secretly told him. I get offended. My feelings get hurt. Is this life threatening? No, probably not but it stung. A few days later we are in a heated argument and he throws back one of my secrets as if it's a negative. Now I am hurt and hurt more deeply than the sting. My realization is, can I trust this person? You have to go through good and bad to be able to answer this question, which is why it's a good idea to know someone for awhile to develop a real sense of security and trust.

Trust is built when our vulnerabilities are exposed and a person can take advantage of them by hurting us but chooses not to. Trust is a very mature emotion.

When women/men write to me, they will use this word TRUST a lot! I trusted him/her. Out of all of my friends, I put this person above all others and just knew they would never hurt me. Really?

If you are human expect some pain or hurt along the path of life. Someone will betray the trust you gave them. It could be anyone. A family member, a friend, a boss, etc. To think that someone could never hurt you surely is a mis-reprenstation of being human. I think when people talk about trust, they really mean how they allowed the trust they had in someone to be misplaced. Trust is earned. Too many people give it away freely. Most of these relationships where trust is blown to bits starts in a very quick way when things should be going incredibly slow. People move in with others, marry, have children etc with people they barely know. Then they are up in arms over how they got hurt and how they never thought this person was capable of hurt. My best advice is to slowly give out your trust when it is earned. When words match actions, for longer than a 6 month period you can start to give away some of your trust.

If you go back and find that point where you started having doubts in your relationship, chances are it is well within the 6 month mark. There were signs that you ignored. In some cases big red flags. The desire to have Mr. Perfect was too great to heed these danger signs. Everyone wants love, comfort, a safe place to let their emotions go. Just understand this only comes with time and placing yourself into situations where your trust is protected rather than violated. Put yourself first and do not settle for anything less than what you want. If you allow someone to talk you into something you really don't want, you will only berrate yourself down the road. Learn the signs of what to look for. At the minute of a bad feeling, run, don't walk, run!

A year to remember.....

It's been a year since I heard of the death of Amy Yeung and a year since my life was turned upside down, inside out and rightside up. It's been an interesting year and a year of healing. It's also been a year of cutting out all of the TOXIC people in my life, for good. Nothing has felt better than taking back my own voice and breath.I've moved to Chicago and I'm surrounded by my family. Life is finally what I say it is.

Most importantly it's been a year of introspection and honesty, brutal honesty. I am no longer the one who bends for the needs of others. I put my family and myself first. I can spot a user, an abuser, a psychopath, a narcissist a mile away. I refuse to work for a boss, have a friend or a family member with these traits. They will never change and there's nothing I can do to make them change. If I allow myself a relationship with one of these personalities, my life will be right back to where I was, an emotional mess. A ball of anxiety always doing and afraid of not doing.

I've learned this year that most 'average' people do not understand the term psychopath nor the inner workings of the damage one can do to a life. When I've tried to tell my family or a close friend, they may nod their head but until you've lived it, it's a hard concept to grasp. I can see where victims have probably thought their own friends, even their own counselors and psychologists don't 'get' it. And they probably don't. While the victim is healing they get pulled back in to the psychopath's needs, wants, etc. The minute they think they are strong enough to stand on their own, something happens and they are left vulnerable and weak. It's at these crucial moments that your brain has to kick in and make the logical decision, not the emotional one.

Everyone has heard the old story about the two women, a mother and daughter who cut the Christmas ham in half and used two pans. When asking the daughter why she did that, she did not know. She called her mother to ask her why it was necessary to cut the ham in half. Her mother laughed and told her, "Because, I never had a pan that was big enough for the entire ham." We often do things without realizing why we do them.

This is true with the pattern of behavior the psychopath they have erratic moods-we try to calm them. They have good days of love and care-we soak those up. They have days when they would just as soon spit on you-and we are left wondering why they are treating us like shit. Yet we come back for more. Why? Until you figure that out for yourself you will only find yourself in more degrading and abusive type relationships. Hopefully you are strong enough to see the emotional roller coaster they keep us on and realize they will never change and more importantly, there is nothing you can do to make them change. Nothing.

I read lots of articles with women asking the same questions over and over. He's cheating but he's apologized but then they see it's happening again. He's hit you but he's apologized and yet it happens again. He makes a promise to do something for you and then freaks out when you 'make a huge deal about it.' The women in these relationships are miserable and fake the smiles to their family and friends because they really don't know what to think. Some will think they are the problem and do everything and anything to fix it. It may even garner positive attention at first but soon things will float back to the way they were.

Men can be really hard headed and stubborn when they hear us women 'bitching' about our relationships. There are men who want to say, "Well, your just emotional because he hurt you, now you want revenge." Or "He broke up with you, just get over it already." My personal favorite from the psychopath himself, "She's lying, she just wants me back."

It is true that many women fall into the role of 'crazy stalker' after their love, their bf, husband was caught cheating, lying or stealing. I'm not saying that women are crazy stalkers but their behavior would indicate they are the one with the issue. Here's what lies beneath their actions.

1. Many women want explanations, closure. However, psychopaths are quick to dismiss you, tell you to get out, break up with you in voice mail, email, text message. Because they cannot take blame, they don't believe they are at fault, so whose fault is it? Anyone, just never them.

2. Women will hang out where they work (especially if they have been cheated on) to catch a glimpse of him and to see if he's with a new girl.

3. Women will drive by his house to see if his car is there or more importantly if someone else is.

4. Women will call incessantly in hopes they will pick up the phone. Women think if they can get just a few minutes of their 'time' then we can either change their minds about us or get some sort of explanation.

5. Women will barrage with emails, texts-especially if they are drunk and feel lonely.

If a woman finds any of these true, the more 'crazy' they will become. The less contact the psychopath gives them, the 'crazier' they will become in their actions. Many times the psychopath will file stalking charges against the true victim, victimizing them even more. The entire time manipulating the system that is supposed to deal with them ends up catering to and condoning their behaviors because this is how the psychopath operates.

If you are in a frenzy in your own relationship, the best advice I can give to you would be to get out. If you are in a toxic friendship, get out. It will be the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, but it will be the best for you. Afraid of being alone? That's the main reason women stay. That and the self esteem has been beaten to hell. You don't need to waste time on someone who won't even appreciate everything you do. Do whatever it takes, save your money, move out when he isn't home, save your own life.

Amy wasn't lucky. From what I have heard, her behavior bordered on 'crazy stalker' but I have a feeling she wasn't crazy or a stalker. She was being controlled and manipulated by a psychopath, which was making her question her own sanity. I heard about all of the things she bought for Jay Capozello. He just used her and threw her away when he was done. But when he needed something, attention, a free meal, a new video game, a PS3, he would call her up and talk about how much he missed her. She did anything for his attention. The day before she died, she called him up and begged him to come over, threatening suicide via Ambien. He went. The next day she was dead. He was the last person to see her alive.

Amy didn't have a year to reflect on her own life and to make changes. Don't become another lifeless victim at the hands of a psychopath. Change your life.

Letting go of the Toxic People

We all have New Year’s Resolutions, Revelations, and Revolutions. If yours is to let go of the TOXIC people in your life then you must realize that this is a very hard thing to do. You'll have to be 100% honest in your definition of TOXIC. Toxic people have a way of slithering into our lives when our radars are down and up. They can sneak by the most careful guard. They do this by finding out where you are weak. How do you decide who is toxic? If they drain you, make you feel bad about yourself, hurt you physically, emotionally, degrade you, demand from you, etc. If you see their number on your caller ID and your stomach turns, they are probably toxic. If you see an email from them pop into your inbox and you get anxious, they are probably toxic. If you try to get through a conversation without pissing them off, they are probably toxic. If you feel dread knowing you have to spend time with them, they are probably toxic. If you are doing all of the work, getting nothing in return except guilt, pain and feeling depressed then it's time to make a change. You are in control on how slight the change is. But you must remember to keep your boundaries set and only do what you want to do. The problem with allowing a psychopath into your life is they will never respect your boundaries but demand you respect theirs. Any time a relationship leaves you feeling like a child rather than an adult is toxic and changes need to be made. The first change begins with you. Be strong, be firm and keep the long term goal in sight. Take baby steps and know you will have days and nights where you have convinced yourself they are not that bad. Change is a gradual process as is healing. Be safe.

Do they ever change?

The answer to this is a simple, NO. They do not change. Period. In order to 'change' they must realize there is a problem. More than likely, your psychopath will not take responsibility for their actions. They will never apologize and they will tell you in long winded speeches why they shouldn't have to apologize. Apologizing would mean they understand their fault against you and feel 'remorse' for upsetting/hurting you. An apology after the fact, thrown at your face without sincerity is NOT an apology.

I know there are women (and men) out there right now believing that their psychopath can change. (Or, they do not truly believe their mate of choice is a psychopath.) I love this one! The reason they don't believe is because their psychopath is so good at telling them/convincing them they are not the 'monster' their friends and families describe.

This is the main reason why it is hard to break the cycle of psychopathy. How did you end up with a psychopath? First of all, you allowed it. First and foremost you are in control of you. You are the only person you are in control of. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions and do not wallow in the 'how' did I get here. Did you fall for the manipulation? Did you think YOU would be different? Did they abuse/mentally/physically and wear you down to where you could not do anything about it out of fear? Or worse, because it was just 'easier' to be in your relationship. Maybe you were abused by your caregivers, parents, etc. Maybe your self esteem wasn't built on a solid foundation. There are many more reasons and situations why we end up in the same line of victims, because we allowed it.

Love should not equal PAIN. If you are in a painful relationship whether it be physical or emotional, it is not a healthy place. My advice to you is to get out however you can, whether that be to plan your way out, stay with relatives, etc. Cutting off communication with the psychopath is key to leaving and eventually healing. I've heard all of the stories before. You can't leave, what would he do without you? You are the only person who understands him/her? You are the only person who loves him/her? You have kids and have no family support? You need him because you don't make an income? What if he comes to your job, your family's/friend's house? He's promised he will change? These are all questions that have eclipsed our thinking. Leaving a destructive, controlling, demeaning relationship is a hard hard thing to do.

First of all, those of you who are reading this are either in, have been in or know someone who is in an abusive relationship. It's an epidemic. Understand that if you have children, they will learn the same behavior. They will view love as pain and they will seek out that type of relationship in the future. You are an adult, you are in control of you, make the decision to stop the cycle. You are the only one who can. If you have been in a relationship with a psychopath, you will know what I mean when I say, it's a secret. Most of us don't go around talking about how we had a wonderful night of fighting, yelling and crying with the person we love. We mask it, we pretend it didn't happen, we hide it. As long as you hide this type of information from family and friends, you are keeping their secret. Their dirty little secret.

The reason we keep the secret is because we have to protect the abuser. I mean, no one has given them a fair shot in life right? The world is against them. They have lots of negative viewpoints on most things, why they can't keep a job, why they have had a string of failed relationships, why they don't speak to their own family members, etc. So, by hiding the bruises, the tears, the pain, you are keeping the secret. It's the only way the cycle continues. The minute you tell your best friend the truth about your relationship, they will say....UMMM, GET OUT! And then where are you? Well, you have to do something about it, right? Because the next time they see a bruise they will look at you like, WHY don't you do something about it? After awhile you become the boy who cries wolf. And people will start to avoid you because they think well, if she/he is so absolutely 'stupid' to stay, they get what they deserve. And so you shield yourself from this type of rejection too.


Most people don't understand the psychological workings of abuse, narcississm, psychopathic personalities, etc. People tend to think in terms of black and white. If the stove is hot, don't put your hand on it. And if you keep putting your hand on it, then something is wrong with you. In a way, they are right, something is wrong. Seriously wrong. You've been hard wired to believe this is what you deserve. In order to heal and not make the same choices again in your relationships you have to recognize and change the way you see love. Many people in abusive relationships don't want to do this. It is exhausting and it brings up more pain from the past. So, it's hard for the outside world to really understand which is why we hear, "Well, if they are so bad, just leave." Hard to do, easy to say.

If there is property damage, broken bones, black eyes, screaming, etc...more than likely the police were called. Most women won't press charges and those that do will often go right back to the abuser thinking it is a one time occurence or that they blew the situation out of proportion. The police, the legal system isn't set up to handle this massive problem. If you get the strength and courage to leave, you may find yourself being stalked. Stalking laws don't do much. We've had stalking laws since 1987 and hundreds of victims die each year due to relationship violence. If you have children you are obligated under the law to adhere to visitation with the biological father. 18 years worth of time. The best way to avoid this issue: make better choices when it comes to the father of your children. The law is NOT on your side and often the psychopath makes it look like you are the stalker or 'crazy' one. They are great at blame shifting.

So, do they ever change? NO. They never change. They will never change. They will never live up to their 'promises' to never hurt you again. They will hurt you again, it is in their nature. Living with a psychopath is like living with a BOA constrictor. No matter how nice they seem, how good looking, how educated....etc...when it is time to squeeze the life out of you for their own purpose, they will.

Guys like Thomas J. Capano, Darren Mack, Robert Chambers, Matt Matthews think they are so smart. They have convinced their attorneys they are innocent, that it was somehow the victim who perpetrated them. They have their communities convinced, their new girlfriends, their childhood friends, their parents. However if you look at these people, listen to what they are really saying, you can see they are lying. They are chameleons. They will change their colors to fit any situation they find themselves in. If they need to appear helpless they will. If they need to appear rich, they will. If they need to appear educated, they will. Those are the only changes this type of personality will make.

I know that you will read this and perhaps not believe what is written that somehow your relationship is different. If you are being manipulated, caused emotional or physical pain, lied to, etc, just know that as long as you allow it, it will continue. They need you in the same way a parasite needs a host.

My psychopath recently contacted me to tell me that I was keeping him from moving on with his life. What he meant was that I was keeping him from being able to prey on other females that may have googled his name. He even offered to 'apologize' to me if I would just meet him. As if. No responsibility. No remorse. I'm sure he is out there, preying on other women with his poor me routine, or his up and coming voice acting career, or his job as a talented musician, or whatever lie happens to work for him at the time. They won't ever change their need to humiliate, manipulate, control you, etc. You are the only one who can change how you respond to the manipulation, the control, etc. You are in control of you. Period.

The Temper Tantrum

Have you ever noticed the pattern the psychopath or sociopath uses when they don't get their way? Maybe you were too busy at work to 'pay' attention to their specific need, maybe you travel a lot, maybe you are in school or have kids, either way, you are focused on another task or heaven forbid you have your own life.

Have you noticed that when THEY need something they will interupt you without a thought but if you really need something from them, they are unreachable, ignore your messages or take their sweet time to address you or to reciprocate a need you may have? When you ask them what took so long, they get upset and angry to the point they don't even want to talk to you.

Their needs are urgent and important but yours are not. They somehow work in that they are busier than you, more tired than you, not as financially secure as you, etc. Everything is about them!

I've dealt with many psychopaths in my life, I just didn't know it until the Jay incident. I didn't realize that anyone who abuses you verbally, mentally or physical carries traits on the psychopathy scale. I just lumped them into the asshole category but it's much deeper and scarier than just being an ass or a jerk.

They are nice at first, so nice that you think to yourselves, "Wow, I AM the luckiest girl in the world." While you are dancing on cloud 9 with stars in your eyes they change. But ever so slowly that you don't realize the little gripes and complaints they had over something just a few months ago, they found 'cute' about you as a person.

I would say that in all honesty, Jay was 'nice' for about the first month after I met him in person. I never did feel 'taken' care of by him but rather the opposite, it was he who needed constant taking care of. One of the first times he came over to my house he had some issues with his stomach. I rushed to the store to load him up on antacids, Imodium, and Preparation H. He had no idea how to administer Preperation H to his own ass. I jumped in like an expert nurse to coddle and take care of him. He relished the attention. From that moment on, I was the go to person for all things medical in his eyes. It was exhausting for me to tell him constantly over and over how to take Imodium or try to 'diagnose' why he was having stomach trauma. Telling him to, "just read the instructions" and it didn't work as he didn't seem to make sense of them. He would shoot back, "Hey, be nice to me." "I told you, I'm a late bloomer."

He told me that being a late bloomer meant he did not have sex until he was 22. He said he was socially awkward which I completely believe but I'm not so sure about the "I was a virgin until I was 22." He also cited the death of his mom for his apparent stunted growth when it came time to understand the back of a pack of Imodium. However, when she died, he was 26. So, whenever I would try and put the responsibility of something simple (like reading the directions on the back of an over the counter medicine) he would think it was mean of me to do so.

He acted like a very timid rabit until he felt uncomfortable and then he turned into a spiteful python. His anger was always right below the surface. He could be talking about something as innocuous as a song and then get pissed off enough to ignore me for days at a time. However, if I showed any sign of questioning or discontent or unhappiness, I was not allowed to have those feelings. He made quite sure that I didn't show him any sort of emotion unless I was happy and content. Basically I could not demand anything of him. I had to wait for him to dole out the morsels of attention to me. He acted as if I should be glad to get them.

Even more important, I could not be mad at him, he did not allow it. If I was upset about something I would have to wait until he was ready to talk about it. By the time that came around, it almost seemed like I was the foolish one to even bring it up.

Jay had several different ways of throwing his temper tantrum if he did not like what you were saying. He used one or all of them in the same instance. It would depend on how quickly he wanted to get me to snap back into submission. He also knew that I did not like to be dismissed. He was the master at dismissing me and my feelings. I would often tell him I felt punished by him but he turned that back around on me and tell me he was NOT punishing me. He was taking 'his time' and that meant I had to give it to him. HIS TIME consisted of his silence. It was pure punishment.

1. Anger
2. Poor Me, Sympathy, Tears
3. Distance
4. Leaving
5. Limited to No Communication, ie Punishment
6. Excuses
7. Manipulation

Examples

Raised voice (Angry) or complete silence. If he was upset because he was questioned on something or if asked for something that he did not want to provide (typically just an answer about something that did not make sense to me) he would give me an excuse..."Wow, I am really tired, can we talk about this later?" If I pressed him it would turn to anger. In a heated voice, "I told you I didn't want to talk about this right now!!" Once I was hurt I didn't want to continue the conversation. Then he would say, "What's the matter, don't you want to talk to me?" I felt like an animal that had just been kicked around. I did not want to talk to him but If I didn't, he would get upset over that and he may shut down for a few days. I didn't want that to happen so I would just change the subject until I could get off of the phone. I would just say that I was busy with work for a few days until I didn't feel so hurt.

If I said something about going out with my friends he would act jealous and he would pout. If I pointed out how he went out with his friends then it was a different story. He would say, "Don't you trust me?" During an exchange like this, he would blurt out things like, "Maybe you are losing interest in me." He would need reassurance and somehow the conversation would end up on him, rather than why I called in the first place.

If I said something that he felt was critical (and this could have been anything-serious or funny) (example-He would ask me, "Do you want me to bring over my box set of Transformer Cartoons?" I would say, "That's ok. I'm good on all things Transformers." He would say, "Wow, that's mean." Then he would be silent for hours. No phone calls, no IMs, texts, etc. A few days later he would say to me on IM, "You hurt my feelings." "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. I expected more from you." I would not understand why something like that would 'hurt' anyone. He acted like a puppy who had been spanked by a newspaper. I got to the point where I really couldn't say anything around him. I kept so many things to myself.

Jay could be talking to you and not sound like he was 'there.' Whether that be on IM or on the phone, he would tell me he felt depressed and to not mind him if he seemed distant. This happened quite a lot. He may start off the day with "I don't feel very attractive today." "Don't be upset if I don't feel like talking today." He was available for the pleasantries but very distant and could not handle any heavy conversation that consisted of anything except the Hi's and Bye's during the day. He had these days often. So often that I spoke to him about taking anti depressants. He did not like the thought of having to take something to help stabilize his moods, he did not feel like anything was really wrong with him.

The angry silence. When we had planned to see each other on New Years Eve 2008, he said that he may have other plans. I did not want to be rude but I was a bit hurt since we had made previous plans. Rather than start a fight, I just said, "Oh good for you." Then it was "Oh you don't want to see me?" I might sigh or say something to show him I was frustrated and he would say, "I've got to go." I would say, "What? You just called me a second ago, why do you have to go?" "I have things I need to do." I didn't hear from him for a few days. He often acted as if nothing was wrong the next time we spoke or chatted and expected the same from me. He did not like to be 'reminded' that I was upset.

He would call me and ask me silly little questions about how to handle this or that. If I didn't answer or was too busy to call him back right away he would mention that down the road, "Well, you never pick up your cell, why do you even have one." He may even resort to, "I guess you are just too busy for me." (GUILT) It was extremely passive aggressive. He may say it as a joke or a digg. However, If I needed to call him and he did not pick up, he was upset with me to the point of telling me that he thought I was "up his ass all of the time." That was his most favorite thing to tell me. So, whenever I needed something it was me being demanding but his constant needs were seen as something I should be glad to do for him.

When Jay would be late to my house, I would tell him that I would appreciate him being on time. I'm not talking about 30 minutes or less. I'm talking 1-3 hours late consistently. He immediately went into hurt puppy mode, defeated mode. He may turn that defeat into the "I'm sorry it's not good enough for you" speech. If I didn't want to fight with him I would forgive him. If I was frustrated with his behavior, I might say, "Why do you always have to say that?" "What does it mean anyway?" From there he would talk about the traffic (EXCUSE) and that he was doing the best he could. Why wasn't that enough? He would say, "You don't act like you are happy to see me." I was angry. He would show up and bitch about this and that as though coming out to see me was such a hassle. At the point it became too much for me, I would sit down and start crying. I just couldn't believe he could be so mean. Then he would annouce he was leaving. (Punishment and Manipulation). If I asked him to stay, he would get angrier and act like my presence in my own house was bothering him. One time it did get violent when I went flying out of a door onto a deck as he pulled me with his right arm. Jay would say that I had caused his anger. That if I hadn't brought X up as a topic, then he wouldn't be forced to get angry. He would act as if it were my fault that he had to get upset. And this meant I had no right to be upset with him. He often said "I told you in the beginning this is how I am." As if this declaration was his 'disclaimer' on all future angry outbursts.

Jay was a master at the 'excuse' and he had them for everything. There was always an excuse. He can't clean his apartment because he's too tired. You are too tired for a year? He couldn't buy groceries because he worked long hours. He couldn't manage his money because he didn't make enough. He couldn't wash his own clothes because he was out of money and had no time. He couldn't buy something on Ebay because he wasn't sure how to search for it. He couldn't find the bathroom because the woman at the store was rude to him. It was always because of someone else or because of a situation that was out of his control. If only he had more time and money he could take care of the things that he should be doing anyway.

Jay used his tears like a nuclear weapon. The guy cried at any given moment. He knew that it made me feel bad and that it would stop whatever I was saying or doing and pay 100% attention to him. I thought he was depressed and he might have been but the tears he shed were a 'show' to endear me to him. The day Amy died he called me and used his 'fake' tears on the message. I really thought he was faking, he didn't sound like he was sad or upset. It sounded forced. He continued to use those same 'fake' tears with me when he wanted to talk about Amy. At this point I was doubting everything. Jay uses tears to get sympathy from women, men, people at his job, family and the limited amount of friends he has. He missed his mom. I could understand that. However, his mom died in 1998 and he still cried (like a baby) over it. As if it had just happened in the last year or so. He becomes severely depressed in August of each year because of his mom's date of death and birthday but he never goes out to visit her grave. Yet he will use this as the reason he will never leave Long Island.

He uses what is available to him. Words, silence, anger, his mom, Amy's death, his work hours etc to control what he wants, to obtain what he wants, guilt, everytime without fail. If he apologized, he did it to bring me back to something he needed or wanted not because he was truly sorry.

Dr. Robert Hare says this about psychopaths in his book Without Conscience:

Poor behavior controls

In psychopaths, inhibitory controls are weak, and the slightest provocation is sufficient to overcome them. As a result, psychopaths are short-tempered or hot-headed and tend to respond to frustration, failure, discipline and criticism with sudden violence, threats and verbal abuse. They take offense easily and become angry and aggressive over trivialities, and often in a context that appears inappropriate to others. But their outbursts, extreme as they may be, are generally short-lived, and they quickly resume acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Although psychopaths have a "hair trigger" and readily initiate aggressive displays, their ensuing behavior is not out of control. On the contrary, when psychopaths "blow their stack" it is as if they are having a temper tantrum; they know exactly what they are doing. Their aggressive displays are "cold;" they lack the intense emotional arousal experienced by others when they lose their temper.

It's not unusual for psychopaths to inflict serious physical or emotional damage on others, sometimes routinely, and yet refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem controlling their tempers. In most cases, they see their aggressive displays as natural responses to provocation.

Great Article from Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths

Exposing Online Predators and Cyberpaths posted this great article from this site: http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/ To read the entire article in addition to other very valuable information, please visit this site today.

This article specifically describes the experiences I had with Jay Capozello. He was a constant drain on my time, my attention AND my resources. He is absolutely diabolical and without empathy or remorse for any of his past actions. I will be posting chat logs soon so that you can tell from the way he wrote how he used the below points to feed his never ending ego and need for adoration and attention.

Jay Capozello is a cold and calculated predator who will get rid of you whenever you have served your purpose to him. His 'nice' guy ploy is just that, a ploy. He kept Amy on an emotional rollercoaster, pushing her away when he wanted to see his other girlfriend and then pulling her close when he was lonely or needed money or sex or food.

It's been 4 months since Amy's death. Today there is a benefit for her memory and to donate to the fund of the people affected by the fire.

A Cyberpath/ Narcissist is like a vampire who drains the e motional and even physical energy out of those close to him. He identifies and cultivates his prey, using them as a source of supply to feed his never-ending egotistical needs.

Should his source not be good enough, he will dump it and can cut people off in an instant without a second thought. If he believes that the source has potential to be a good one, he will however nurture it and cultivate it carefully. This is where his charming self comes into play.

Everyone is a source of supply to him and he cultivates this in everyone that he encounters and deals with. Those closest to him are however given the special honour of being his greatest source of narcissistic supply and will be severely punished if they falter at all.

From his family in particular the narcissist demands unquestioning obedience, unwavering belief in him, complete subjugation to his whims and needs and perpetual attention.

There is another aspect to this however. The narcissist does not only feed of adoration and gratitude, but on negative emotion as well. You are his mirror and as long as you are reflecting (reacting), his needs are being fed. Often he will go out of his way to provoke a negative reaction purely so that he can get some sort of "power feed".

Remember that the mirror he is looking into is not made of glass, but of water. It is constantly moving and rippling. It is vibrant and alive. This activity seems to be a key factor for the narcissist, as if it in itself validates him and makes him more real and less illusion.

When the waters get too calm and there is not enough movement, he will toss a pebble in and create some ripples just to get things going again. It gives him an enormous sense of power to know that he can so easily evoke reactions in his victims. Even after he's been exposed he loves pushing his "false version" of events just to upset his victim.

It often seems as if the narcissist is just plain bored when there isn't some drama around to feed him and, when all else fails, he will whip up a quick batch out of nothing. He will provoke you, taunt you, beat you, berate you - whatever it takes. Once you have given him sufficient response, he will finally sit back satisfied, in the same way that you or I may sit back in mellow pleasure after a good meal.

This is exactly what his dramas are to him. A good meal.

In this same vein, narcissists love a good accident, a good disaster or a really juicy crisis. It doesn't matter whether it involves them or not. As long as they know about it they will make it about themselves in one way or another, wringing out of it every drop of sympathy or admiration that they possibly can.

They also love success stories, especially their own. They in fact have hundreds of success stories at hand with which to impress and win admiration. It may not be their story, but that's beside the point. Somehow they will make it theirs and if it actually belongs to someone close to them, you can be sure that they are the sole reason for that person's success.

An extremely difficult issue to come to terms with when you discover that your Cyberpath is a narcissist, is the awful, gut-wrenching realisation that this person has never loved you. They do not love, period. The only concept of love that they possess is the realization that it matters to the rest of us and it is therefore something that they can use. A weapon in their well-stocked arsenal.

To the abuser you are no more than an object for self-gratification. Like a desk or a chair. Sex with you is merely sex with a 'blow-up doll with a pulse.' You have no individual identity, which is why they get so enraged when you act as if you do. Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors are meant to exist and be employed for one purpose only - to make the narcissist look good and feel satisfied.

This is why he is so hell-bent on controlling every aspect of you and your life. - In his view of the world, it all belongs to him.

He is a demi-god. He believes that he can destroy you. This creative power of his applies to every aspect of everyone in his life. Without him you would be nothing and it frustrates him enormously when you refuse to realize this and grovel in gratitude that he even bothered to pay attention to you.

If you have a narcissistic Cyberpath in your life, please come to terms with the fact that you are not going to change him or her. The potential that you are clinging to is an illusion, the nice guy that you sometimes see is a manipulative mask, the dream of happy ever after is a pipe dream and the concept of love overcoming all is delusional. For love to have power, it has to exist in the first place. With a Cyberpath it doesn't and there is about a 99.9% chance that it never will.

If you think that your love for them can overcome on its own, you are engaged in magical thinking. These people are unreachable because they choose to be and it is a choice that nothing you do or feel can ever change.

Probably the most important thing to remember with a Cyberpath is that you will never win. They are beyond being rational, they do not listen to anyone else unless it is about them and when they do catch the odd thing that you have said they will normally distort it and use it against you at some stage.

Never ever show any weakness with them because they will store it away - for a lifetime if necessary - and use it against you (or someone else) some day. They go for the jugular because that is the quickest access point to maximum blood and this is exactly what they are after - your very life blood.

These people are sometimes called TOXIC....but

I was surfing this AM and found this article on Yahoo.com. I've read things like this before in regards to relationships and I have to say this has been the most accurate one to date. What the author is getting at is.......these are also traits of psychopathy. Most people think that psychopaths are only related to the nasty serial or stalker type personalities we see in the movies. If only it were so black and white.

I know so many women who make 'excuses' for the below behavior. I know! I was one of them. I'm not proud to say it but I had a problem...I wanted to please the unpleasable man. The more he resisted, the more I wanted to 'fix' the problem. What I recently realized is these type of people can never be pleased. A psychopath will carry more than just one of the below traits.

If you find yourself in a relationship with one of these 'type' of people, rethink your decision of why you stay. Love is a hard thing to define when you are in a toxic relationship. Being alone is no fun. However, when you live or date one of these 'type' of people, you will slowly lose your own identity. Most of you will already feel alone or worse......crazy. When you remove the fear of why you stay the logical process kicks in and you start to look at yourself in a different way. Stronger. If you can find the strength to get out you should. Being someone's emotional punching bag is not your job. Your job is to discover who you are and live for you.

Jay Capozello portrayed numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8.

8 Toxic personalities to avoid by Brett Blumenthal-Sheer Balance

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

Jay Capozello- Liars, Cheats, and Thieves OH MY!

Jay has so many things wrong that it is very hard to pinpoint the nuances of what makes him the way he is. He could get upset over the slightest thing, like someone parking too close to him at the 7-11 or if Jeff (his boss) didn't respond right away to an email he had sent. If someone gave him a 'dirty' look at work, he would obsess for hours over what it meant. He has such poor social skills, it's so hard to imagine how he was able to get by in life. Well, he got by because others made concessions for him. They made excuses. Myself included. I made SOOO many excuses for this lazy piece of shit.

Below are things that are indicative of psychopathic mindset and the examples as it related to Jay Capozello:

-Freudian slips of the tongue (indicative of mental conflict)- Jay would say that he told his friend Gonzolo that his 'friend' (ME) was looking for a web developer. When I questioned him on it why he used the term 'friend' he brushed it off as me analyzing everything he said. He told me that Gonzalo was recently back in his life and he didn't want him knowing his business. YEAH Right!

-Guilt feelings (covered up, but wants to be punished for something)-Jay constantly did this. He would get pissy with me if I didn't say 'HI' the right way. It was like he wanted to fight. Or, when he said, "I'm sorry if it's not good enough for you." We could be talking about something simple like the time we were going to meet. Then he would say, you put me in a bad mood so now I am not going to talk to you. So, he would get mad at me and punish me for something he had guilt over. Being around him was like walking on eggshells.

-Uses defense mechanism of projection (blaming others for own faults)- I can only think of one time that he ever apologized to me. He was upset when I logged online and wanted to talk to him on the phone. He got enraged. He was yelling and yelling and I just hung up. I was so upset. So, about 30 minutes later he called me back to tell me he was not just apologizing so I would pay for his storage. But that's exactly why he was calling me back. He was constantly telling me I didn't seem interested or that he felt ugly and that no one would love him.

-Uses defense mechanism of displacement (ditching, self-handicapping, settling for 2nd best, being own worst enemy, but feels entitled to something or being 1st)-OMG....he always felt entitled or that he was the best, 1st, etc. He told me everyday how great he was.

-Oral fixation (smokes or always has to have something in mouth)-Usually fixated on eating candies, Skittles, Reeses Pieces.

-Oedipus complex (or other love/hate relationship with parents)-YES! He sainted his mom and villified his dad.

-Comes from dysfunctional family or broken home (absent or abusive father)-YES! Abusive Father.

-Impervious to fear, anxiety, depression, or remorse (unremorseful)-High Anxiety, High Fear, Hi level of Depression.

-Superficially charming, a real cool cat (manipulative and conning)-He acted like he was Mr. Cool but inside he was afraid of everything.

-Inability to love or express emotions deeply, can't respond to kindness (cold)-Jay could not respond to kindness. Once he told me, "I've never asked you for anything." This after he asked me for a ton of money, food, my time and attention.

-Pathological lying (for no reason at all, can't help self)-Apparent for the 'song' he said he wrote for me. In additio

-No self-insight (doesn't reflect much upon own personality makeup)-Didn't have this at all. Did not possess the depth of understanding his own personality. He had to rely on what I liked in order to 'fake' liking it. He would tell his 7 year GF that he was going to start eating Oranges, Pomegrantes because I did. He would tell me he found a new album or movie because his brother recommended it to him.

-No self-humor (can't stand to be the butt of jokes or can't laugh at self)-Please see my YOU THINK I'M A JOKE post.....he did not like to be laughed at, ever.

-A fairly high IQ (good grades in school or disparity in achievement)- I didn't see a high IQ with Jay but rather a stunted knowledge base. He barely knew what state he lived in let alone typical facts you learn in High School. He has no knowledge of world events, politics, etc. He doesn't read but he tells you he loves to read a book from time to time. Maybe a comic book but nothing substantial. Intelligence from being book smart he didn't have. Street smart? I didn't see this either. He had a hard time finding his way around NYC. In addition to this, his emotional intelligence was low.

-Uses neologisms (makes up strange new words, abbreviations, or sayings)-OMG, this is so Jay. I called them Jayisms, or Yahooisms. OMG!! His work Ethnic....OMG!

-Fascination with fire (or death, or purified ways to destroy something)-Fascination to fire. He was obsessed with fire when he came over to my house. He would sit and stare at it for hours. He would beg me to get fire wood so he could light the fire. It was like he received orgasmic pleasure from it.

-Cruelty to animals (dislike of animals)-Jay spoke of how he loved dogs, diskliked cats. I had two dogs in Southampton that I watched. He never wanted them near him. My own dog he didn't want around. Yet, my cat, he let crawl up on him. I got two little mini dogs and he never even picked them up. Never wanted to know about them. But when one died, he would give me hell for not going to pick up her ashes at the vet. I just couldn't bring myself to do it at that time.

-Lack of probity, courtesy, or doesn't tolerate society's "niceties" or obligations-No, Jay was extremely courteous (AT FIRST). He was very polite. Once he asked our waitress if he could 'bother' her for salt and pepper. I've never had to hold back laughter as much as I did when she looked at him and said, "Yeah, it's right there on the table." But during a disagreement he was mean and cruel. He said hateful things, hardly the 'nice' person he started out to be. He had no idea how to do something for someone else. He was not a courteous person but rather selfish. Very selfish. Everything was about Jay. It was like the TV was permanently stuck on JAY TV.

-Moody, obsessive-compulsive, suffers from one or more phobias-Jay is OCD, he has a lot of phobias, MOODY!!! He can change moods like minutes on a clock.

-Does not tend to learn from mistakes unless immediate punishment given-
Correct, I gave Jay a lot of leeway. He acted the same way over and over. Then at times he would act as if he were a child, put his head on my shoulder and then want me to punish him as I would my kids.

-Lack of formal-operational thinking (tends to think in concrete, black-or-white terms)-Very black and white. There was no room for Gray with Jay. He either liked or hated you. There was no middle ground. You were the angel from heaven of the devil from hell.

-Identity conflict (often with delayed adolescence, hasn't grown up in certain ways)-Well, this is obvious by his apartment, his lack of bank account, his lack of planning for a future. At 36 he had no idea how to find the bathroom in the mall let alone plan for a future. He would often refer to himself as a "Late Bloomer."

-Preconventional morality (thinks things are wrong only because it might lead to punishment or it's not in his/her best interests right now, failure to understand disparities between own behavior and socially acceptable behavior, often in trouble with law)- Jay had several unpaid tickets which led to a warrant for his arrest. He also had a suspended license. This meant he was unable to drive yet he still did. He has a complete disrespect for the law, his responsibilities, paying bills, debts, etc. Yet he expects those who have borrowed money from him to pay it back.